"Jo, what are you talking about?"

"Uhh, her marriage license?" said Jo, with one hand holding a cup full of coffee and the other poking lazily at the front of his shoulder as she walked past him. "I know you heard of those. You gotta mail them in to validate the ceremony."

"I get that part…" said Jackson, turning around to face her. "April hasn't mailed theirs in yet?"

"No. Like I said," she remarked, swirling her cup around and taking a sip before noticing that Jackson was still left dumbfounded. "What?"

"Are you sure though? Did April tell you this? It's not a rumor, is it?" he asked, shifting slightly.

"It's… not a rumor," Jo said, properly weirded out. "And yeah she told me."

"Why'd she tell you?"

"Why are you being weird?" she countered cleverly.

She saw his eyes dart away from hers and out of curiosity, decided to give in and supply his odd line of questioning.

"When Alex and I found our papers lying around the house, I called April and asked for her help with the specifics. I'm a little new to this marriage thing and well… she… isn't," said Jo, looking at him. "Sorry. No offense."

"S'okay," he said, pressing his lips together.

"At the same time, she and I had the same deadline to meet so I figured that, you know, she knew everything. She's Kepner the Guideline Geek for God's sake," she laughed fondly and he returned it with some slight amusement of his own. "So I pretty much asked her, 'how'd you do yours?' and she was like, 'I didn't mail mine in yet but here are the deets'. That's all I know," she concluded innocently.

"When was this?"

"A while after the windstorm hit. Alex went back to the hospital and I called her."

"So she could have filed it in by now?"

"I don't know, Jackson. Maybe?" she said tiredly. "When she said she didn't mail hers in yet I just told her not to forget. If she did already, then great," she finished, lifting an arm weakly and slapping it back to her side.

"Yeah. Great."

"What is the matter with you? You're not… Are you…"

"What?"

"Can you like, stop intervening with April's relationships?" she laughed as she took another sip of her coffee.

"I… I'm not… "

"You really have it out for that paramedic, don't you?"

"No! I don't-"

"So what's the plan, Jack? Break in, steal the papers, and tank their marriage a second time?" she teased as her voice started in a singsong. "Still kinda hate you for what you did to Steph but…. I guess I can help you. I mean, we'll have to plan some shit out."

"That is… not the plan. I'm not out to do anything."

"But you want to," she challenged, observing him closely.

He paused to acknowledge the truth in her words. "... I can't."

"Oh my god…"

"What?"

"You… are still in love with Kepner."

"Uhh," he breathed, taking a seat on the sofa. She joined him and he continued uncomfortably. "It's a little too late for that."

Jo's voice lowered in concern. "Since when? Didn't you guys… agree to be just friends or something?" she asked, placing her drink on the table to give him her full attention.

"We're more than friends, Jo," he said, looking at her with a faint and broken smile. "Whether we like it or not."

"Mm. I guess so."

Jackson let out a sigh. "I missed my shot, okay? And I'm supposed to own up to that. The door was open for... a brief... moment, and I didn't take it. I was... scared. That it might mean trouble."

"So you let it pass..."

"I let it pass. She uhh… moved out," he said, his honest eyes bright with regret. "… and moved on. So yeah, I'm not allowed to complain about it now."

Jo gave him a sympathetic look with the new information she gleaned about her coworker. They didn't really talk often, but she figured that since he and Alex were buds, she might as well get used to the idea.

"I never even…" began Jackson.

"Never even… what?"

He hesitated for a moment, but soon warmed up to her, too. "She was dying, Jo… right in front of me, and the next thing I know, I'm praying to God saying I'd do anything for her to just… wake up. And when she does…" He swallowed hard. "I never got to tell her what I'd give to see those eyes wake up in front of me every morning again like they used to."

"... because she and Matthew..." she trailed.

"Yeah. She seems happy with him, you know? She's… in it. And he deserves to be happy, too."

"And you're just gonna live with that?"

"I have to," he said, patting both hands on his lap before standing up slowly to go waft through whatever was left of his day. "Maybe find some happy, too, along the way."

"Want my two cents?"

"Sure."

"Find someone who can take your angry face away… Kepner did that."

Jackson spent the next three days struggling to get by with business as usual while sitting on the thought of April living on her own in Hunt's trailer in some forsaken forest and that she may or may not be officially married to Matthew.

Jo had offered to ask April herself, but he kept telling both her and himself that he should just assume that the papers were in and try to be healthy about moving on.

Soon enough, it came time for April to pick Harriet up from his apartment and bring her home for the week. She checked in with him through a phone call earlier that day.

"Yeah, I'm still coming over tonight. I just went shopping for some of her essentials and I bought extra to stock you up as well."

"Oh wow, thanks. I was just running out… How do you have the time to do all this?"

"If you haven't already noticed, I'm a pretty organized person, Jackson."

"Trust me, I have," he laughed. "We'll see you tonight then. I'm sure she's excited to see you."

"See ya."

As promised, April arrived that evening. Hearing the doorbell to his unit ring, Jackson swiftly stood up from his couch and opened the door to find her carrying his share of baby supplies.

"Hey, thanks," he said as he took the items from her and motioned to Harriet lying on her crib. "I packed her bag but she fell asleep. She's still a pretty deep sleeper, so I don't think she'll mind if you just snatch her up whenever."

"God, she's cute," said April, after walking over to the crib in the living room to fawn over their daughter while Jackson quickly stocked up the supplies. "We made a really cute kid."

"Sure did," he smiled. "Have you eaten?"

"No, not really. Thought I didn't have the appetite but boy was I wrong."

"I have some food in the fridge," he smirked. "You made me raid your fridge, it's only fair you get to raid mine."

"Yeah, okay. I guess I can stay for a quick bite. Watcha got?"

"Go grab anything you like."

"You're not sure what's in your fridge, are you?" she accused playfully.

"I just know there's food," he said, scratching the back of his head. "But I'm sure it's good," he assured her.

April giggled and proceeded to raid, what was to her standards, a messy fridge in search of some dinner.

"So… Matthew back yet?" asked Jackson.

"Nope. Still out," she said with a muffled voice, her head burrowed into his refrigerator as she began exploring its contents. "He's arriving in a few days. Maybe longer."

"And how have you been?"

"Been great," she lied with a feigned enthusiasm that didn't go unnoticed by him as she pulled out a salad and some leftover salmon. "I've been fine."

"Hey… it's okay to feel crappy that he's not here."

"I know that now more than ever," she said.

He wasn't quite sure what she meant by that. A selfish little fragment of him was hoping that she was acknowledging how he felt when she left for the army but knew it could have been something else entirely.

"So why not ask him to come back?"

"He needs the time," she said leniently, pulling her meal out of the microwave and wordlessly offering him some, to which he politely declined. "He'll come back when he's ready."

"How are you okay with this?" he asked, shaking his head in disapproval.

"The truth is," she said, looking down at her plate, her long lashes fanning her face and fluttering around. "I'm not. But I feel it might be worth it."

"Do you mind if I ask why he left?" he asked in concern.

She took a while to answer. From that and the fact that she was worrying her bottom lip with her teeth, he gathered that she was taking her time to think about it. Simply, she answered, "Karin."

"Karin," he repeated. "She's…"

"Dead? Yeah, I know. I was there and a small part of me breaks every time I remember. I can't even imagine what he's going through."

"I see. I'm a little confused though. He married you. He told me he wanted to…build a life with you," said Jackson. His eyebrows pulled together as his face grew skeptical - his eyes, protective and severe.

"That's… all true. We may have skipped some steps, but we're working on it… Working on him."

Jackson took a minute to process what she had just said.

"You're... putting him first," he concluded slowly, remembering the fight they had so long ago when he professed the pain of covering for her and putting her needs above his own when she went away.

"Yeah," she said softly.

"That's…"

"Please, I know what you're thinking."

"Oh really?"

"This is different."

"Yeah? What is?"

"You're thinking, 'Good. She finally gets what it's like to get left behind' but I know what the real difference is, Jackson."

"Yeah yeah, it was a mutual decision, I get it! You don't have to rub it in."

"No," she said quietly. Soundly. "The real difference is that I left you for a whole damn year with the grief that we were both supposed to share."

It struck him. How introspective she's become after all that she's been through made it almost hurt to see another man benefit from her growth.

"It's only been less than two weeks with Matthew and his grief is his own. I'm already struggling," she admitted bashfully. "And while I know now how much it hurts not being the thing the person you love needs… this isn't halfway close to what I put you through. So yeah, it's still different, so save it."

He took a moment to respond. "Wasn't expecting that."

"I'm not sorry for going out there and getting what I needed to get back on my feet," she affirmed.

"Good. You shouldn't be," he said, pouring them both some orange juice. "Despite me trying to make you feel like you should."

"I am sorry that it hurt you deeply. And that it ruined… us."

He met her eyes for a long time before the split second it took him to realize that his glass was overflowing and they both flinched at the splattered mess before he spoke again. "You never said that before," he said, his eyes still on her as he grabbed a paper towel to clean up.

"Never said what?" she said, grabbing some too as she helped him dry the table.

"That you were sorry. That it hurt me."

"Well, when you almost die in front of all your friends right after a core-shattering crisis… you tend to think about how you've been living your life."

"God, April."

"What?"

"You can't… you can't just say things like that," he said, taking the soaked paper from her and discarding them in the trash bin.

"What? That I almost kicked the bucket or that I was going through a thing?" she asked, grabbing more to dry her now sticky hands.

"Here, come wash your hands," he said, guiding her to the kitchen sink after drying off his damp forearms. "No, I mean the other stuff. The apologies, the realizations..."

"Why? If anything, I thought you'd want to hear it," she said, soon wiping her hands dry, too.

"You have no idea how hard this is for me."

"Yeah? Then why don't you just tell me what's going on instead of lashing out all of a sudden," she argued.

"I shouldn't..."

"Jackson," she sighed, her frustration seeping through.

"I wish it was me!" he blurted out, unsure what would become of him if he never let his feelings see the light of day. He paused and realized that his chest was already puffing with adrenaline. "I wish it was still me."

She raised her brows and opened her mouth to speak but found it difficult to say anything.

"You were wrong about one thing," he breathed. "I wasn't thinking that you got what you deserved when he left you alone. I was thinking that you're out here becoming a better wife to someone else and putting him first… and I wish it was me."

"Montana," she said painfully. "I put you first."

"I know that I missed my chance. Montana was… it was complicated."

"I don't need an explanation, Jackson. Not anymore."

"What was Montana to you?"

"What it was and what I wanted were very different things. You didn't want me…" The hurt in her voice was apparent though she tried to hide it. "So I guess it doesn't even matter anymore."

"I wasn't being fair to you when I kissed you in that hallway. And I am truly, deeply sorry. I was so grateful for you being there that I-"

"Jumped me?" she said it with almost a laugh. "A simple thank you would've done it. You can't just thank me with sex and be on your way, Jackson."

"I know that. And again, I am sorry," he iterated, packing in as much sincerity as he could in the way he looked at her. She said she didn't want an explanation but deep down he knew that she did. "When we got back, it pulled me out of that bed and I remembered just how far we were from being fixed. I chickened out. Thinking of all the fights we'd be opening up again which we never really got past. Minnick, Jordan, religion… I didn't think I had a shot."

"You were the only one who had a shot," she said immediately, as if the sentiment just came out of her of its own accord.

His eyes grew wide with emotion at the thought that their differences or how hard it would be didn't stop her from wanting to try again. But it did stop him, and he wondered just how much that had hurt her for her to finally give that up. His thoughts consumed him until he heard her speak again.

"You think it's easy for me? To hear you talk about God and faith and wishing you were a better husband? You don't think that it crossed my mind?… To wish it was me?"

"I didn't know that's how you felt," his eyes growing teary. "You were always so happy and on-board, and… supportive about it."

"Of course I'd support you," said April, her voice getting rough. "You found something that gave you purpose. Why wouldn't I? It hurt but I..."

"You didn't want me to feel bad about it."

"Yeah," she said. It came in one breath and left her looking tired.

"And I thought I was protecting you," said Jackson, realizing that this whole time, they were protecting each other. "So you're saying…"

"I'm saying… you're not the only one who knows that timing's a bitch, okay?"

"Why are all our problems resolving themselves now? What's the point?"

"I don't know. All I know is that it only happened when we started living apart."

"So what? We're just better off apart?"

"I don't know," she said, exhaling heavily. "I just wanna be happy, Jackson."

Jackson walked closer to her until they were standing inches away from each other. She braced herself and mustered all the resolve she needed to deny him of what his eyes were asking for. She hadn't gotten a chance to sit or eat the food that had now grown cold and unwanted. She was right about her appetite after all.

"He makes you happy?" he asked, looking down at her gently. Surrendering painfully. Willingly. Lovingly.

She sighed. She didn't even know if she could make him happy. The insecurities she had about not being able to make yet another marriage work flooded through her. "It's just a little messy right now."

"He shouldn't waste you like I did," he said enviously.

"That's for me to worry about," she said finally, patting the side of his arm and backing away.

"Okay... I hope knowing all this doesn't mess things up with you two," he said, tracking her with his eyes.

"Oh, you're probably hoping it does. At least just a little. But thanks for pretending otherwise."

He chuckled at how well she saw through him.

"This conversation should have nothing to do with that conversation," she said, internally struggling with the overwhelming urge to absolutely just go to town and let him have it for popping up with yet another one of his ill-timed epiphonies.

"April," he said as she went check on Harriet. Surprisingly, their conversation didn't rouse her one bit.

"Yeah?" she asked, distracted by both her own thoughts and the sleeping lump she picked up in her arms.

"I really do hope you get your happy."

"My happy's right here."