I woke up that afternoon and ventured back out to the house. The cops were there and it was marked off as a crime scene. They didn't want to let me mess with anything but I talked them in to letting me come in to get some of my stuff. I grabbed a couple suitcases and filled them with our clothes, some jewelry and personal things. It was difficult to see the place that way. My piano was totally fucked. I swept rubble off the bench and pressed at the keys and it made an awful sound. Part of the roof had fallen in on it.
Fucking Fellowship of the Sun.
I took my time about it but was back at the Carmilla by dark. I went back up to our room to wake Godric in my typical fashion. I'd crawl on top of him, give him a kiss and say "Good night, moonshine" instead of "Good morning, sunshine" as my mom always used to say to me. As much as I wanted to pretend everything was normal, it definitely was not. Something was weighing on me that I wanted to be wrong about. We needed to talk and it wasn't going to be easy.
"Godric," I said, motioning for him to sit next to me on the bed as he finished getting cleaned up and dressed.
"Please talk to me. I really can't take this silence anymore. And I'm really scared."
He sat with a pained look on his face and placed a hand on my back. I dropped my guard and let my suspicions be known. It was time to face up.
"You say you love me, right? And I believe it. I do. But... You don't trust me."
"I do love you, and I do trust you Ellie."
"Then tell me what happened. Be honest with me."
I couldn't hold it in any longer and a tear rolled down my cheek.
"They didn't actually take you did they? I was right when I said they couldn't." I looked at him, trying to read his face.
"You were right." Our eyes met.
"What the fuck? Why? What were you expecting to accomplish? They hate us," I emphasized the word. It wasn't only vampires that they hate. They hated people like me too.
"You had to know what they wanted. They wanted a token vampire to kill, Godric. Why?"
"I know what they wanted."
Reality came crashing down around me. It felt like a crushing weight. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be.
"You wanted to die?" I pulled away from him in anger.
He didn't respond. He didn't need to. I walked away from him, face in my hands, sobbing. I was devastated, furious. I wanted to scream, hit him, anything to make him feel the pain I was feeling but all that came out were whimpery tears.
He came up behind me and held me shoulders as I wept. I really wanted to punch him.
"Ellie, I can't do this anymore," he finally said honestly. "And this is no life for you."
I turned to face him.
"You don't get to decide what fucking life is right for me! I do!" I shouted, my anger turning to weakness and desperation. "This is the life I want. I want you."
"You have so much beauty to give the world. Please Ellie, give it. I have nothing. I can only create suffering, pain and death."
"That's not true! It's not. We need you here Godric. You saved Sookie's life and mine, and so many others. Do you count that as nothing? Do you count me as nothing?"
Silence was his answer. He held my face in his hands and wiped away the tears. It was done. The decision was made and I wasn't a part of it. I collapsed into his arms and wept. At least now he didn't get the easy way out. He had to face me and explain himself rather than disappearing off into the night without a word. After a moment he broke away and looked me in the eyes.
"Let me make you forget. It will be so much easier for you."
"No!" I screamed and pushed him away with disgust. He'd never glamoured me before and I sure as hell wasn't going to let him now. "No! How dare you? You'll take everything away from me and leave me here alone. Let me have my grief."
I couldn't look at him any longer. It hurt too much. I went to the bed and sat with my head in my hands. A knock came at the door. He was being summoned to a meeting with the head of the American Vampire League. Before he left he came and knelt in front of me.
"I do love you. Goodbye Ellie."
I couldn't speak.