Author's Note: Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday's! Enjoy!

Azucuache, you asked for it! :)

There was only one pod that had yet to be opened. He knew that, inside, he would find Shepard and Joker (most likely Shepard using her limited field medic skills to try to patch up the broken bones that Joker had undoubtably obtained entering atmo).

She would look at him with her blue eyes that seemed to tell the story of her soul and smirk at him. Raising an eyebrow, she'd say, "Hey, Lieutenant, want to help me out here?" and, of course, he would.

Eventually, after Joker was taken care of and she had the crew doing various duties, she would come up with an excuse to get them a private moment, and she'd kiss him with more passion than was truly acceptable in their situation (after all, they had just been attacked by an unknown enemy and their...okay, her ship destroyed). But, it was Shepard and she never did things halfway.

She could go from no nonsense business to sexy, passionate...temptress.

And, god, how he loved her for that.

Then again, they had almost died, so maybe it was actually acceptable and called for (the rules against fraternization aside).

He opened the escape pod as quickly as he could, expecting to see her head pop out. He stumbled back when all he saw was Joker, sobbing and holding his ribs.

After a few minutes of staring uncomprehendingly into the shuttle, he asked, in a tight voice that betrayed the fact that his temper and fear was barely contained, "Where is she?"

Joker didn't look at him and with shaky hands, wiped his eyes. "Kaidan...I'm sorry."

Kaidan didn't say anything as he watched Joker struggle to unfasten his harness and struggle to his feet (a part of Kaidan's mind registered that Joker's arm appeared to be broken, but he didn't act on it). It wasn't until Joker stepped outside of the pod did Kaidan find himself breaking down.

"Where is she?" he demanded again, his voice low and on edge. He didn't want to alarm the other crew members.

"She didn't...it all happened so fast...I'm sorry..." Joker stammered, all evidence of joking- both tasteful and not so much- was gone. That was about the point that Kaidan began to grasp what had happened.

"Maybe she made it to another escape pod," he said frantically- grasping at straws.

There was no way that she was gone- not after all the promises they had made...not after that long night and lazy morning they had just had.

"She...they came around for another attack...she got caught in the explosion." Joker looked at him with haunted eyes that spoke more than any words he could say. "The last thing I saw her do was hit the pod expulsion button."

She was gone.

There was a part of Kaidan- a really big part- that wanted to let loose a biotic blast that would probably break every bone in a normal person's body- it would probably make Joker's brittle bones into dust. He fought against the urge to punch Joker or to ream his ass until the Alliance reinforcements arrived and they were returned to HQ for a debrief.

Instead, Kaidan took a higher road (just not the highest, since he didn't offer any help to Joker) and turned around to face the crew.

"Well, we all know that the Normandy was destroyed in an attack by an unknown enemy. Commander Shep-" he choked on a forming sob and shook his head to fight against it. "The Commander was killed while escorting fellow crewmen to escape pods." Looking around, he saw people crying- many of which hadn't been until he gave them the news of Shepard- and others in shock. "She managed to deploy a beacon before she was...before she was killed." Chakawas walked over to him and laid a hand on his shoulder.

They hadn't been stupid, both Kaidan and Shepard knew that the crew knew about them- scuttlebutt on a ship the size of the Normandy ran wild. Hell, the crew knew that Kaidan had a thing for Shepard before she truly did. But, they never showed any affection in front of the crew for a simple reason.

Plausible deniability.

The crew could honestly say they had never seen anything that would imply breaking the rules of fraternization. It didn't matter that they all knew that Kaidan wasn't going to the Commander's cabin to discuss battle tactics and that they weren't tired because of lack of sleep due to stress.

No, they were safe against a Court Marshall (for not reporting the break in the rules) because they had never, truly seen anything.

Taking a deep breath, he looked at the remaining crew and wished that he had her ability to calm and motivate her people. But, he wasn't her, he was just Lieutenant Alenko, acting Commanding Officer.

"Drew, Richards, and Franks, I need you to gather all possible food and water from the pods and surrounding area. Lee, Michaels, and Reed..."

And so it went until everyone either had a duty or was being attended by Chakawas.

Still, though, he couldn't break down.

...

They heard the ship enter atmo, but none of the crew cheered. Instead, they armed themselves and waited, clearly on edge. When Kaidan saw the Alliance emblem on the side of the ship, he called for them all to lower their weapons.

Hackett and Anderson both stepped from the ship onto the surface and Kaidan saw them searching for her. Kaidan stepped forward and snapped a salute- and he felt as though his ability to remain looking calm was about to crack.

Anderson stepped forward after he and Hackett snapped a returned salute. "Lieutenant Alenko, where's the Commander?"

How many times could Kaidan possibly be expected to answer that question?

The first had been on the Citadel, after the Normandy had blown Sovereign to hell. That had been a long, miserable wait. He had been trapped in a small space with Garrus before Anderson and some other marine had come to dig them out. He had spent those hours worrying about her- sure that she had died.

The rest of the times had been after all the pods but the last one had been opened. He had been more optimistic then.

Feeling himself slouch, he choked out, "She was still aboard when they came back for another attack."

Hackett stepped forward and, in a low voice, asked, "Could she have made it to another pod?"

"Not according to...no." He closed his eyes. "According to...according to Flight Lieutenant Moreau, she most likely died in the resulting explosion."

"Joker?" Anderson asked, surprised.

Kaidan took a deep breath and kept his eyes from the Admiral and Councilor. "My suggestion, once we are brought back to HQ, is grief counseling. I assure you that the debrief of every single member of the Normandy will offer no adequate answers. We were attacked by an unknown enemy with an unfamiliar ship."

Hackett nodded his head. "Then get your people aboard the Colorado, Lieutenant. A debrief will be aboard for all of the crew and counseling will be available as soon as we arrive at HQ."

Before he turned away, he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Admiral, but they will never be my people- they'll always be her's."

Walking back to the crew, he instructed them all aboard the Colorado- an older ship that was, undoubtably loud and spacious. He knew they would all hate it. But, they all filed on silently.

Well, almost all of them.

"Kaidan," Joker stopped in front of him, his eyes red and bloodshot.

He fought against the urge of hurting (and possibly killing) Joker. He hated him at the moment. Joker was the reason that Shepard wasn't ground side, ordering her people aboard the ship. All Kaidan could think of was that she would be pissed if he hurt or killed Joker after everything she did to make sure that he lived.

He wanted to hate her too.

She should have lived for him.

Kaidan felt the tears threaten again. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath- both to try to force the tears away and to ignore the desire to strangle the man in front of him. "Joker, you need to walk away," he said through clenched teeth.

"I have one thing to say, man." Joker looked up from the ground. "I would have rather had me die than her. She should have lived."

Kaidan felt his hands tighten into fists as he tried not to cry and to keep his temper in check. "If you would have followed the damn orders, neither one of you would have had to die," he spat out. "And, you know what? Every single damn person on that ship would have given their lives for her and her life."

"You're right."

Kaidan yanked something out of his pocket and thrust it at Joker. When Kaidan had dropped it into Joker's hand, he said, "Every single time you start to feel less guilty about the life you caused to die, I want you to look at this and realize that you don't deserve to be free of guilt."

Kaidan turned on his heel and headed for the ship before Joker could open his hand and see the necklace with a key (made from some metal from the Normandy- taken when the engineers had to remove a section of a wall) and a ring on it.

That was the last time he spoke to Joker.

Laying in the bed after her visit, Kaidan wondered if Joker had kept the necklace and the ring. He hadn't been ready to give the ring to her- neither of them had been truly ready for that-, but he had seen it during one of their day long shore leaves on the Citadel and he had bought it for her.

It hadn't been anything over-the-top or super fancy- she wasn't that kind of woman. She worked hard, played harder and loved like she played with double the passion of anyone he had ever known. The ring had a silver band (he remembered that she had once said that she hated the yellow in gold- something about it being her least favorite color) with a diamond (her birth stone) in between two sapphires (her favorite stone).

Kaidan hoped that Joker had kept the necklace. If not for Kaidan, than for Shepard. Both of those items had been meant for her.

He would, at least, like to give her the key.

The key had nothing to do with anything major. She had told him of the key collection she had as a child (which was locked away in a safety deposit vault by that point) from earlier centuries (it wasn't as though they used keys anymore) and how, after her grandma gave her her first key, she had been fascinated with them. The older the key the better. Her favorites were the old skeleton keys. Kaidan did an extranet search and found a picture of an old key and saved it to his omni-tool.

A week or so later, Adams needed to cut a section of the wall away in the Normandy to upgrade a few wires and then they were going to put an access door over the hole instead of welding the plate back on. Kaidan decided that he'd take the section of metal and take it to a little place on the Citadel to have them make a key. He was certain that she'd like the combination of her two favorite things- the Normandy and keys.

Opening his omni-tool, he pinged Joker.

KaidA: Hey.

JeffM: Hey.

What could he expect? He had been an ass to him after Alchera- hadn't spoken a word to him since he had given him the necklace.

KaidA: Sorry I was an ass on and after Alchera.

JeffM: I deserved it. You were right.

KaidA: Did you...did you keep that necklace?

JeffM: Yeah. I almost gave it to her. You know...before Horizon.

KaidA: Really?

JeffM: It was hers- or it was going to be.

KaidA: Why not after?

JeffM: You broke her, man.

KaidA: That bad?

JeffM: When she saw me for the first time after they...you know...brought her back, she asked about you. Then you reamed her ass on Horizon. Had you been anyone else, you would have been punched- possibly shot.

KaidA: I deserved it.

JeffM: I'll send Traynor over with the necklace and ring packaged up.

KaidA: Package the ring up and send it over and an empty datapad.

JeffM: ?

KaidA: I want you to lay the necklace on her desk with the datapad. It was supposed to be her Christmas present.

JeffM: And the ring?

KaidA: That was too- maybe a birthday present-, but we'd've had a few more months under our belts by that point.

JeffM: Package is away.

KaidA: Thanks.

JeffM: No problem.

Kaidan tapped his knee while he thought about the right words to use for a gift that was a few years late.

Shepard walked to the elevator in the Normandy and waited impatiently for it (if there was going to be an elevator that went to every deck in the ship, she thought tiredly, they should have made two.). She stepped back as Joker limped out.

"Joker?"

His expression was one of a kid getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Shepard. Do you know how shitty it is that there're no bathrooms near the helm- let alone on this deck a all?" He paused and gave her one of his patented smirks. "No pun intended."

Shepard smiled at him and walked into the elevator. "That wasn't one of your best, keep working on it."

Joker gave her a mock salute as the door to the elevator closed and it headed up to her cabin. She knew that she needed to make her normal rounds around the ship and set a new destination, but she wanted to drop off a few of her belongings that she refused to let be delivered.

Walking into her cabin, she frowned at the package and datapad on her desk. She opened the package slowly, and stared at the key in shock. She then picked up the datapad and activated it.

To: Commander Shepard

From: Major Kaidan Alenko

Subject: Merry Christmas

Shepard,

I've never been the best with words, but I'm going to give it my best shot because this means something.

There was a little thing you once told me that night before Ilos and I knew that I had to do something with it. You told me how you loved keys, but hadn't had the time to look for any new ones (or would it be new old ones?).

This key is made from some metal from the SR-1 Normandy. I had it specially made after the Battle of the Citadel and it was supposed to be yours that Christmas.

I once used it as a grim reminder to someone once, but it deserves to be with you- like it was always intended. You can keep it or throw it away, but it's yours- in this life, the last, and the next.

I'm sorry.

For everything.

Yours,

K.A.