Joel continued to rewind further into the bowels of Cambot's footage.
They saw the entire history of the Satellite of Love…backwards.
(Mike is still reading the handbook.)
Crow: Does it say anything about our dental coverage?
Mike (reading) Uh, "Shut up. You have no right to ask!"
Crow: (taken aback): Sorry Mike. I didn't think you would take it so personally!
Mike: No, no, that's what it says in the handbook.
Crow: Ohhh! (Suddenly the satellite starts rocking back and forth violently.)
Whoa! Hey! What's going on? What the hell?
Mike: We'd better find out what's going on. Hey, Pearl Drops!
Castle
(Pearl looks into camera.)
Pearl: Oh, hi Nike Melson! How do you like my new joystick? (Camera pulls back to show her playing with a cheap, bargain store joystick.) Got it at Radio Shack! Say, I was wondering, what does a high speed tumble do to your stomach? (She slams the stick to the right.)
Rocket #9
(SOL is in a power dive. We can hear M&TB, "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!")
Castle
Pearl (gleeful) I am just messin' with everybody today! (Laughs. Suddenly, the stick breaks. Pearl looks at it, confused.) What'd I do? (Tips it upside down and shakes it.) What'd I do?
SOL
(The satellite slowly rights itself, although it's still rocking somewhat.)
Tom: Hang on now.
Crow: I feel sick! (Gypsy enters. Crow ducks down below the bridge.)
Gypsy: Hey you guys, the Retro-Fire's been activated and the ship's initiating a Re-entry Protocol!
Tom: What?!
Gypsy: Prepare for Gravitational Insertion!
Tom: Mike! This means we're headed . . . TO EARTH!
Mike (slowly) Earth, that's my home!
Tom: (excitedly): Yes! Yes!
Mike: Isn't it?
Tom: Yes!
Mike: (realizing): Of course! Earth! To Earth! (He hugs Tom and pats Gypsy. Tom laughs, and everyone celebrates but Crow, who can be heard retching down below.)
Tom: Crow, you're wreckin' the moment!
Crow (nose stuffed up) I'm sorry!
SOL
(Servo and Crow are on the bridge wondering about the mysterious ship outside.)
Tom: Huh. We're drifting, our orbit's decaying, and the mysterious craft still hovers nearby: dark and ominous. It did save our lives once, but... why?
Crow: They're toying with us.
Tom: Yes.
Crow: Yes!
Tom: Oh-no.
Crow: Toying!
Tom: Yes!
Crow: What do you want, you demons?
Tom: What do you want?
Crow: What do you want?
Tom: Who are you?
Crow: WHO ARE YOU?
(The bridge doors open and Joel steps out.)
Tom: Look. Behold! (Servo and Crow whimper)
Crow: Oh, it's just Joel.
Tom: Yeah, you were gonna get...
Joel: Hey, you guys.
Crow and Tom: Joel!
Tom: It's Joel!
Crow: Joel!
Tom: Hooray, its Joel!
Crow: Joel's back, Joel's back, Joel's back!
Tom: Oh, it's good to see you, man.
Joel: Oh thanks, I... Crow, your voice kinda sounds different.
Crow: Wow, weird.
Joel: Oh, I get it, you changed you bowling pin. Smart. And um Tom, it's good to see your hoverskirt's still operational.
Tom: Yep.
Joel: It's just great to see you guys, all bright and shiny and in proper working order.
Crow: Good to see you too, Joel. Say, how'd ya get up here?
Joel: Well, I won't go into too many details, other than it cost me a ton to get up here.
Tom: I'll bet.
Joel: When I was down on Earth, I found that Dr. Forrester had sabotaged the Satellite of Love so that a lot of the working components would self-destruct in ten years.
Tom: I knew there was something weird about that guy.
Joel: Yeah. So I came up here to fix it for you.
Crow: Well Joel, hadn't you better get started, then?
Joel: Oh, I mean, we've got some time, I mean, uh... What've you guys been up to?
Tom: Ah, you know, same old, same old. And you?
Crow: Right.
Joel: Well, you know, after I crash landed on the Outback, I kicked around Australia for a little while, and then I hooked up with the band "Man or Astroman?", doing pyrotechnics. I finally made my way back to the Midwest, where I now manage the hot fish shop in Osseo.
Crow and Tom: Cool. (Mike steps in.)
Mike: Okay guys, alright, I'm set to go. Oh, hey, who do we got here?
Crow: Mike, its Joel! He's the guy who made us!
Tom: Yay!
Crow: He's gonna fix our ship.
Tom: Yay!
Mike: Yeah, I know you. I'm wearing your tube socks! They've...
Joel: Oh.
Mike: Hey, did I hear you say you were managing a hot fish shop?
Joel: Yeah, it's pretty neat.
Mike: That's great, I mean, how do you even get that?
Joel: Well, you know, I just had a really good interview. You know, I'm looking for an overnight cook.
Mike: Are you serious? Oh, man, I... Ah, who am I kidding? I'm stuck up here, I'm never gonna get down. Forget it, man.
Joel: Ah, man. C'mon, take it easy, you know. Things are gonna get better for you. I mean, uh, things change. I... uh, you know, listen to me, you know.
Mike: Alright. Well, hey, thanks.
Joel: Thanks.
Gypsy: Hey, you kids! Keep it down!
Joel: Hey, hi ya Gypsy!
Gypsy: Bite me!
Joel: Oh, I'd better get going on Gypsy. I'll talk to you guys later, okay?
Mike: Okay, thanks a lot, okay, Joel.
Crow: Bye, Joel!
Tom: Bye-bye!
Crow: Joel's back!
Tom: Yeah.
Mike: Think about it. You know, I'm stuck up here, and that guy gets to manage a hot fish shop.
Tom: Hey, hey. Don't compare yourself Mike, it ain't healthy.
Crow: Yeah.
Tom: We'll be right back.
Mike: So, bring out the dressing...
Tom: Don't go there man.
Crow: Make the three-bean salad.
Tom: Keep it to yourself.
Mike: Ah, you're right, you're right.
Castle Forrester
(A hooded figure is attacking a convulsing but standing Bobo; Pearl jumps in front of the scene and addresses the SOL.)
Pearl (frantically) I can't play now! A Soultaker has appeared in the castle and is attacking Bobo! (Brain Guy appears broom in hand.)
Observer: Unhand him, you wraith!
Soultaker (in ominous voice) Get away, foul one! (Shoves Brain Guy aside.)
Pearl: I'll save you, Bobo! (Shoves away Bobo, who promptly collapses.) I don't know who you are, but get your soul-pinching paws off my monkey!!
Soultaker: Ah, Pearl Forrester, at last we... (Soultaker hunches over and coughs; as he finishes coughing, he pulls back his hood, revealing he is TV's Frank.)
Frank (normal voice) Hey, Pearl, how's it going?
Pearl: Frank! TV's Frank, is that you? (laughs)
Frank: Aw, c'mere, Pearl... (they hug)
Pearl: Frank, I thought you were dead!
Frank: I am dead. I was in Second-Banana Heaven for a while, but it is soooo political up there! Pat Buttram had it in for me right from the start. So, then I was an angel for a while, and then I got into big trouble for appearing to people as Della Reese. Scared the hell outta them! So they transferred me to soultaking. (Brain Guy returns, coughing to alert the others.)
Pearl: Oh, uh...Frank, Brain Guy. Brain Guy, Frank.
Observer (offering hand) Well met, deceased one.
Frank (stifling laughter) Yeah, great... (to Pearl) Where'd ya get the Hostess Snowball? (rolls eyes.)
Pearl: Tell me about it. Woo-hoo! (Brain Guy slinks away.)
Frank: So, how are Mike and the Bots doing up there?
Pearl: Oh, well, let's take a look.
SOL
(Everyone's hanging upside down, and a zooming noise is audible.)
Mike (panicky) Oh, no! We're plummeting into Earth's atmosphere!
Tom: I think I'm gonna be sick! Whoa! (goes flying down towards the ceiling.)
Crow (singing) Nearer my God to thee...
Castle Forrester
(Frank & Pearl are just staring, dumbstruck.)
Frank: I can't believe it... (holds up taco) this Gordita is delicious!
Pearl: Try a Border Fry! (Prepares to feed Frank a fry. Bobo gets up and approaches the two.)
Bobo: Oh, Lawgiver, it was horrible! An unpleasant man tried to steal my soul and-- (notices Frank) Oh, hello. And he had this hair-- (looks again and starts making panicky monkey noises) Oh, it's him!! (flees but collides into hanging fixture and knocks himself out.)
Pearl: Oh, Frank, we have so much catching up to do!
Frank: Let's have some General Foods International Coffee.
Pearl: Oh, perfect! (to Mike and the Bots) And you up there! Get back in the thee-ay-ter! (Frank attacks his taco.)
SOL
Tom: Hello and...
Crow and Tom: Konichiwa.
Tom: Tonight we present a traditional Japanese Kabuki play. Translated to English, this ancient work is entitled, "Neil Simon's The Sunshine Boys."
Crow: Now, how many of you are familiar with Japanese theater? Anyone wanna…
Tom: Anybody at all.
Crow: ...field this one? Err uh... (Mike raises hand. Crow looks at Mike) Ah, yes sir! And do you enjoy Kabuki Theater?
Mike: Ah, actually I prefer Noh Theater.
Tom: Well, then why did you raise your hand?
Mike: Because I like Noh theater. Noh plays are my favorite.
Tom: So you don't like any theater at all?
Mike (chuckles) No, let me explain. Noh Theater is classic Japanese drama. Noh plays have been produced since the 13th century and Noh actors are revered, even today.
Crow: But why are you dissing Japanese theater? What's your deal man?
Mike: No, no wait a minute. Noh Theater started in Japan.
Tom: Ah, so now you tell us Japan doesn't have any theater whatsoever.
Mike: They have lots of theater including Noh Theater.
Crow: So they have lots of theater and they have no theater.
Mike: Exactly.
Tom: What?
Crow: No theater?
Mike: Yes.
Crow and Tom: What?!
Mike: Noh Theater. N-O-H.
Tom: N-O-H huh?
Crow: Geez.
Tom: Well, there you just gone and shown what an idiot you are!
Crow: Well, hey, I'll handle this Tom, calm down. Mike, I'm going to ask you a series of simple questions which even a cretin like you could answer yes or no. Now, is there a theater in Japan?
Mike: Yes.
Crow: Good! And do you have a particular favorite type of Japanese theater?
Mike: Yes.
Crow: Well good now we're gettin' somewhere. Mike, will you tell me the name of your favorite form of Japanese theater?
Mike: Noh.
Crow: Why not?
Mike: Why not what?
Crow: Why won't you tell me your favorite Japanese theater?!
Mike: I just did!
Crow: Did what?!
Mike (exasperated) Told you my favorite form of Japanese theater.
Crow: You did?
Mike: Yes.
Crow (angry) Well will you tell me again?
Mike: Yes: Noh.
Tom: Oh, come on!
Crow: Mike, I'm gonna grab a stepladder so you can jump up my butt!
Tom: May we do our little Kabuki play now?
Crow: (Breathes "yeah")
Mike: Go ahead, but remember- I like Noh Theater more than I like Kabuki Theater.
Crow: I thought you didn't like Kabuki!
Mike: I don't!
Crow and Tom (crying) Aaah!
Crow: Oh god! (Crow and Servo become apoplectic)
Mike (to Cambot) You gotta mess with them every now and then. We'll be right back.
Gypsy (who has been watching the whole thing, quietly) I get it Mike.
Widowmaker
(Pearl's driving; Observer is sitting next to her.)
Pearl: What's goin' on? We got it goin' on, that's what's goin' on, huh! How 'bout this guy here, huh? (points to Observer) I say, "Hmmm, I sure would hate for those 8-balls on the satellite to escape." This beautiful man right here says, "Let me handle it." He is holding you here with his MIND, (points to her temple, Observer points to his brain pan) you poor, dumb (bleeped)! How d'ya like that? How'd ya like this guy on your crew instead of those yappy little tin cans you hang out with? (Observer makes "yaketty-yaketty" motions with his hand) This guy is the best!
Observer: (modestly) Why, thank you Pearl.
Pearl: Tell ya somethin' else, Nelsonni, this guy's gunnin' for ya! (Observer sets down his brain, looking as angry as he can) You blew up this man's WORRRLD, as I will continue to remind him every chance I get! You whacked his planet, man! And he is puh-lenty cheesed, let me tell you...
Observer: (furious) Yes! (points finger) You have destroyed an ancient and proud race. My people! And let me tell you that I will...
Pearl: (interrupting, angry) I...was talking!!! Boy, everything's about you, isn't it?
Observer (cowed): Well, well, well, I'm very sorry.
Pearl: (to SOL) Anyway Nelson, you're mine! You'll never escape! Never! (laughs diabolically, Observer joins in, lamely)
Observer: (tapping her on the shoulder): Excuse me, Malevolent One, but hadn't we ought to go get Professor Bobo?
Pearl: (thoughtfully) Hmm, that's a good idea. Say, could you hand me the Cheez-its?
Observer: Why, certainly. (he hands her the box of snack crackers)
Pearl: (sweetly) Thanks. (starts hitting Observer with the box) I (whap) GIVE (whap) THE (whap) ORDERS! (dumps Cheez-its into his brain pan) Hey, we'd better go find Bobo. (Observer whimpers, looking at his brain pan full of Cheez-its).
(Fade)
SOL
(Tom and Crow are on the bridge, looking off camera)
Tom: Mmmm... (quietly) see that?
Mike: Wow... here we are at the edge of the universe!
Tom: Not quite Mike, just a bit little more to go here...
Mike: Oh, yeah, you're right... (There is a thud and the ship shakes, as if it has gently hit something. ) Ah, there. The edge of the universe!
Tom: Yep, and I tell ya Mike, it's everything I could of hoped for... for example, all knowledge is clear to me now. (A heavenly hum is starting to go off in the background)
Mike: Yeah, and you know, and all wisdom and beauty fill me with an abundant light and all eternal truths of the cosmos are available with a minimum of effort!
Tom: Yeah... (sudden excitement) Oh, hey there's God!!! (Then, calmly) Ah, maybe not...
Mike: Ah...
Crow: (enters, holding a sandwich) Hey guys, what's up?
Mike: (Calmly) Oh, were just at the edge of the universe.
Crow: Oh-ho, so that's it! No wonder I've suddenly become aware that I can leave my corporeal body and become pure energy, or pure thought, or pure reason, or pure any-number-of-things! Here. Let's see... (Starts to strain hard and suddenly transforms into a yellow ball of light. dropping his sandwich. Mike and Tom react with amazement and the heavenly hum gets louder.)
Tom: Wow! Cool! Lets do it, Mike! (Tom strains and spins his body around and is suddenly transformed into a red ball of light.)
Pure Energy Tom: (Relived) Ahhhhhhh...
Pure Energy Crow: Just let it happen, Mike!
Mike: Okay, Got ya. (Mike quietly strains and is suddenly transformed into a green ball of light. All react in amazement.)
Pure Energy Tom: Yeah... neat...
Pure Energy Mike: Wow... Servo, what are you?
Pure Energy Tom: I think I'm Pure Energy!
Pure Energy Crow: Hey, I'm Pure Energy!
Pure Energy Tom: Ah, you're nothing but Pure Canola Oil, you!
Pure Energy Crow: Oh, yeah? Mr. Pure Country... Mr. Pure Gin... Pure Chewing Satisfaction... (The bickering is interrupted by Mike)
Pure Energy Mike: Hey, hey, hey guys, c'mon, c'mon spread out now, c'mon, all that matters is were pure and eternal!
Pure Energy Tom: Yeah...
(Gypsy enters)
Gypsy: Uh, hello? (Gypsy reacts in shock at what M&TB have become.)
Pure Energy Mike: Oh, hey, Gypsy! (All giggle and laugh.) Why don't ya drop your corporeal being and become Pure Love or something and then we'll all go play at the edge of the universe!
Pure Energy Tom: Yeaaa!!
Gypsy: Oh, I don't know...
Pure Energy Tom: Oh, c'mom, Gypsy, it's really fun! Don't be afraid ... (M&TB say various inaudible things to convince Gypsy.)
Gypsy: I'm not sure, it's just that... oh ... oh... oh, my stars! (Gypsy, apparently against her will, is suddenly transformed into a purple ball of light.)
Pure Energy Mike: There we go! (Crow and Servo react with laughter.)
Pure Energy Tom: I hope I'm ready for this. I may only be 99 and 44/100 pure!
Pure Energy Mike: We'll, that's probably good enough!
Pure Energy Tom: Yeahhh!!! (All laugh)
Pure Energy Mike: Oh hey, uh, Cambot, Magic Voice, join us!
Pure Energy Gypsy: Yeah, c'mon!
(Servo chuckles as they all leave the ship. Two more "pure energy" sound effects happen and two more balls of light follow them out through the hull of the ship.)
Exterior of SOL
Pure Energy Crow: Who-hoo. Hey, it's great out here ... (Various inaudible sounds of excitement are heard.)
Pure Energy Tom: Yeah, c'mon (inaudible) Pure Energy!
Pure Energy Crow: Woohhhh!!! (Their voices fade.)
Deep 13
(Heavy breathing can be heard, as it might sound from inside a space helmet. The visual is a close-up of Dr. F's eye. Shot then pulls back, then cuts to behind Dr. F's back, and he is now wearing a robe, has more grayer hair and is sitting down at a table, hunkered down at some sort of dish. He stops, pauses, then he get out of his chair to look closely at something while chewing, and then he sits back down. Cut to the front of the table. Dr. F sips a glass of wine, pauses, suddenly knocks the glass of wine over and looks at himself in a ceramic cup nearby. A warbling wail of many voices grows in background. Dr. F. seems to see something surprising.
Cut to a much older, white-haired Dr F. laying on his deathbed. He starts to reach out towards something. Cut to a shot beside the bed. He is reaching out to a giant videotape, like a monolith, standing at the foot of his bed. The label on the tape reads "THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE".
Cut to a shot of a tiny infant surrounded by a green circle of light. Pearl enters and the wailing reaches a crescendo and then stops.)
Pearl: (Gasp) Another chance to do it right! (Takes the baby and holds it to her face, she gasps again) Isn't this a wonderful baby? (Looks at the camera)
Infant (Dr. F's adult voice) Ohhh, poopie!
(Fade into white.)
Dr. F (into the camera) Mike, you've got to help us. We're on a date down here. Could you, uh, provide us with some kind of entertainment? (Bridget sees him doing this and looks into the camera.
Bridget: Hi.
SOL
Crow: It just so happens I've written a topical, satirical review that we call--
All: Supercalafragalistic-expialawacky!
Crow: Ha ha ha he he hoo!
Tom: (whispering instructions from behind the desk) Go, go, go! I got it, I got it, I got it! Okay, get out of the way!
Mike (dressed like Uncle Sam, singing)
I'm the government,
I'm the government,
I'm filled with bloats and perks.
I'm the government,
I'm the government,
I'm the reason nothing works.
Tom: (appearing from behind the desk with paper money inside his bubble head, spoken as if reading from a scipt): Boy I tell you, it's not easy bein' the working man, but at least I've earned an honest day's wage and I can--
Mike: Thank you! (still dressed as Uncle Sam, he runs by and swipes the money.)
Tom: Heeyyy!
Crow (singing):
I'm the crime bill: bang-bang!
I'm the crime bill: bang-bang!
I get shot at every day.
I'm the crime bill: bang-bang!
I'm the crime bill: bang-bang!
I'm opposed by the NRA. Bang, Bang! ack, ahh (dying noises.)
Mike (comes up from behind the desk in a baseball cap, spoken like a little child) Hello Mr. Senator. My daddy's out of work, and he says it's because of the deficit. So I saved some money in my piggy bank, and I'm going to give it to you to lower the deficit. If an 8 year old kid can save money, how come the government can't?
Tom: singing Honk honk!
Crow: Beep beep!
Crow and Tom: Government gridlock!
All: Honk honk!
Crow: Beep beep!
All: Government gridlock!
Tom: There's a traffic jam at the Congress intersection,
Crow: But the light is red unless there's an election!
Mike: Government sure can get tacky,
All: It's Supercalafragalistic-expialawacky!
Deep 13
(Close up of Dr. Forester and Frank)
Dr. F: Bad news, Mike. Our theme song tested rather poorly and, well, I'm a big time executive and I made a snap decision. We're going to start our own radio station and we're going to name it FRANK!
Frank (his face showing excitement) A radio station... called FRANK?!
Dr. F: That's right. So come on! Turn your crank to FRANK!
Frank: Less talk...
Dr. F: And more new country...
Frank: Wynona...
Dr. F: Billy Ray Cyrus...
Frank: Love that FRANK!
SOL
Tom: Hookay (rather nervously) ha ha.
Mike: Yeah. You know I can't promise that I personally will be turning my crank to FRANK but I--
Deep 13
Frank: But it's a radio station... called FRANK!
Dr. F: More Garth! More Reba!
Frank: Wynona
SOL
(Mike and the bots are simultaneously debating the concept of FRANK when the Hexfield Viewscreen opens revealing Dr.F. Mike and the bots stop talking and look at the screen.)
Dr. F (sternly) Brooks and Dunn. (The view screen closes)
Crow: I don't even know about... (The view screen opens again)
Dr. F (more sternly) Brooks and Dunn!
Frank (poking his head on to the screen) Wynona. (The view screen closes)
Tom (confused) Tsk... What is Wynona?
Mike (perplexed) I don't know...
Deep 13
Frank: Don't you see how great it is?! My name is Frank; the radio station's name is FRANK! It's totally uncharacteristic to name a radio station FRANK.
Dr. F: More Garth. Moooore Reba!
Frank (softly) Wynona.
SOL
Tom: Am I out of Reba? Do I need more Reba?
Crow: Or any Wynona?
(Commercial Sign lights start flashing.)
Mike: I don't know. Sorry, guys gotta think about this one. Turning my crank to FRANK... I'm not... I don't think that...
(M&TB quietly discuss the merits of crank turning as we go to commercial.)
SOL
(Mike and the bots are taking a breather from training Mike. The red light goes off.)
Crow: You seem pretty nonchalant.
Mike: I've achieved a state of clear.
Tom: Well, anyways, the Mads are calling.
Mike: So do we just hop to it? Let 'em wait!
Crow: Really? Radical! (Mike casually caresses the button, and finally he presses it.)
Deep 13
Dr. F: So, Mr. Nelson! Mr. El Relaxo. That's nice. Maybe I'll just have you do your... (suddenly shouting) INVENTION EXCHANGE FIRST! FIRST! DO YOU HEAR ME?? FIRST!!
Mike (unperturbed) Great!
Tom: Good luck, buddy!
Crow: Take it away, Mark.
Mike: It's Mike.
Crow: Whatever.
Mike: Anyway, I've always been annoyed by umbrellas, the way the water just washes off and gets you back all wet anyway.
Tom: I didn't know that about umbrellas!
Mike: That's right. So I've added a gutter system around the outside edge, and a spout leading down.
Crow: Toward your shoes. (Gypsy looks behind Mike.)
Tom: Crow!
Gypsy: Great Scott! He's right!
Mike: No, no, no, no. I've got that covered too. You just point it out the back.
Tom: Well, look at that! This is a good idea! Simple...
Crow: Definitely simple!
Tom: But good!
Gypsy: Can you make me one?
Mike: Sure.
Tom: Hey, attago, man! Whaddaya call it?
Mike: Uh, how about the gutter...
Crow: Bumber?
Mike: Shoot.
Tom: Hey gutter-bumbershoot, I like that. (Chanting) Gutter-bumbershoot! Gutterbumbershoot! Hey! (Crow and Gypsy join in) Gutter-bumbershoot! Hey! Bum-Bumba Gutterbumbershoot! Gutterbumbershoot! Whoo-hoo! (Mads start calling again but Mike again doesn't care.)
(Lights flashing, warning lights are beeping, red light over everything. Gypsy pops up wearing earphones and a microphone.)
Gypsy: 20 seconds to expulsion!!
Joel: Okay, alright, we have this letter to read. Let's put it upon still store. This comes to us from a wo...
Gypsy: 10 seconds and counting! 10, 9, 8...
Joel: Gypsy, could you please turn of these emergency lights? We got this letter to read!
Gypsy: Sure! (lights and noise go off.) One! EXPULSION!! (Trap door opens, Joel falls through it.)
Tom: What the hell was that?!
Crow: Yeah! Where's Joel?!
Tom: Yeah!
Gypsy: I can explain everything. Cambot quick! Give me rocket number 9!
Rocket Number 9
(A hatch opens to reveal a box marked "hamdingers" which opens to reveal an escape pod.)
Voice of Gypsy: He'll finally get to be among his own in the wild.
Voice of Crow: Hey look! There's a prize inside that box of hamdingers! An escape pod. (Pod takes off.)
SOL
(Hexfield opens to show Joel sitting in the escape pod)
Crow: Hey!
Joel: Hey guys! Look at me! I'm on my way back to earth! Pretty crazy, huh?!
Crow: Hey! What about us!?
Tom: Yeah!
Crow: What are we supposed to do without you! Who's gonna teach us about what it is to be human and stuff!
Tom: Yeah!
Joel: Listen, you guys. At this point you guys know about as much about it as I do. (Snow flies before Joel, simulating static.) Listen, I don't have a lot of time. My signal is starting to break up. I can tell I'm getting out of range. Listen, if you look under the desk, there's a plaque I made for you guys to put up to remember me by. (Cambot pulls back to show plaque now sitting on desk.)
Tom: Yeah, here it is! Look! Boy! Nice job, Joel! Very professional looking! Really nice job!
Joel: Yeah, thanks. I really gotta get out of here; I'm almost out of range! Listen you guys, be strong and true. I love you! Bye! (Hexfield closes.)
Crow: Well, it's been a big day. Who's hungry?
Tom: D'oh! NOT YET, DOFUS! Let's find out what's on the plaque! Press that button there.
Crow: Oh yeah. (presses button)
Voice of Joel (Oriental style music plays) To all on the Satellite of love from Joel.
Gypsy: Hey! That's us!
Crow and Tom: SSSSSSSSHH!!!!
Voice of Joel: The whole world is a circus if you look at it the right way. Every time you pick up a handful of dust, you see not the dust, but a mystery, a marvel, there in your hand. Every time you stop and think, "I'm alive, and being alive is fantastic." Every time such a thing happens, you are part of the circus of Dr. Lao (pronounces it "loo.")
Crow and Tom: WHAT!?!?!
Tom: Circus of Dr. Lao!?
Crow: Oh!
Tom: Jeez! Brother. Joel leaves and his last words are from a George Pal movie? I thought it would be something profound! You know, like from the Psalms, or the Upanishads or even the Desiderata for that matter!
Magic Voice: Last transmission from Joel coming in on Hexfield. (Hexfield opens.)
Tom: Joel, buddy! Circus of Dr. Lao?! I don't get it!
Joel: Hey, it's my favorite movie, so sue me! I got to go, guys. Hey, see you later! (To Cambot.) Sorry, folks! I can't come back! I don't know how it works! Good-bye!! (Hexfield closes.)
Bots: BYE! BYE!
Crow: Wow.
Gypsy: Oh, I'm going to miss him.
Tom: Well, I guess he's gone for good, fellas. That only means one thing. I'm in charge.
Crow: Race you to the Mallowcups. I found out where he hides them!
Tom: Oh, Crow! Too soon!!
Gypsy: Think they'll send us a new guy?
Tom: Oh sure, they're bound to. But, until that happens...PANIC!!!
Bots (Begin running wildly across the screen)AAAAAH!! PANIC!!! AAAAAAAHH!! JOEL!! JOEL!!!! JOEL!!!! HELP ME!!! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO!!!!!? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO!! AAAAAAAAAAH!! (Crow falls apart, Tom loses his dome.)
Deep 13
(Frank stares into the screen, dumbfounded.)
Dr. F. (In a green bathrobe with wet hair and a towel) Nothing like a shower to make one feel new again, huh?. (Frank gulps.) I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood. What's goin' on, Frank?
Frank: Oh, not much. Inventory under control...floor needs mopping...Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...
Dr. F.: Well, I see you have the situation well in ha-- WHAT!!! JOEL ESCAPED from the Satellite of LOVE???
Frank: I better get started on that floor.
Dr. F.: Frank! My towel and you hinder have an appointment. We've got to rescue Joel. (Begins typing franticly.) Oh no! NO! FRANK! He's landed safely in the Australian outback!
Frank: Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Sirius.
Dr. F.: Well, that's a good point...FRANK! (Grabs him by the shoulders) Can't you see we're ruined! What are we gonna do?
Frank: Well, we could send someone else into space.
Dr. F.: Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?! (Mike walks up)
Mike: You guys sign my time card? (Dr. F. and Frank look at him and start laughing.)
Dr. F.: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Frank: Yeah! Your not gonna sign his time card are you! (Dr. F gives him a look.)
Mike: Come on, you gotta sign my time card.
Dr. F.: Of course I'll sign your time card, young man! In fact, I think you'll be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank. (Frank pushes it with a disgusted look. Blackout.)
Dr. F.'s voice: Say Mike, what size jumpsuit do you wear?
SOL
Joel: Listen, are you sure you guys want to go? The experiment's about to start.
Crow: Oh, the experiments bite. It's all so dull and so--uh--banal!
Tom: Yeah, Joel. This place is for losers and squares. Stick around here and you're headed for nowhere in a rocket sled, baby. Uh--No offense, of course...
Joel: Oh, hi everybody. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson, still stuck up here in space. This is Gypsy.
Gypsy: Hi!
Joel: And my other two robots, Tom Servo and Crow, have decided to run away from home and go live on the other side of the ship.
Crow: All right. We're gonna to get going then, Joel. Oh, and Please? Don't embarrass yourself by following us, ok?
Joel: Oh no, I won't. This is your deal. I can see you've got everything. Uh--what's this right here, Tom, in your hand?
Tom: Oh. I made a boomerang to hunt wild animals.
Joel: Smart. Oh, well, see you later.
Crow and Tom: Ok—bye, bye.
Tom: (singing) I was born under a wandering star--
Gypsy: They'll be back.
Joel: Yeah. Uh, hey, Magic Voice. Want to give us a status report on how they're doing?
Magic Voice: They are fifty yards away. They have stopped. They appear to be arguing. Crow has put down his pack and is hitting Tom Servo on the shoulder. Tom is crying. They're heading back now.
Joel: You were right, Gypsy. We'll be right back.
Tom: Timothy Van Patton is NOT the type for a gerbil!
Crow: It's a HAMSTER!
Tom: Well, whatever! He shouldn't be going around with a Cricetid or any small Slavic origin rodent. It doesn't fit the profile!
Crow: Ahhh! You're loony!
Tom: Well for your information, Boris, there are plenty of perfect examples of detectives and other crime-fighting types whose pets were perfectly suitted to them! Baretta's cockatoo, Sonny Crockett had a crocodile, Columbo's bassett hound, BJ had the bear...
Joel: Turner had Hootch
Tom: Right! Good! McCloud had his horse. They all made sense!
Crow: Oh, c'mon! What made you the expert?
Joel: Well, actually I did I wrote a subroutine in his database allowing him to pair fictional detectives to pets.
Crow: (sarcastic) Oh GEE! What a useful bit of programming!
Tom: Hey!
Joel: Well, it's something to do. I mean, why don't you do it for us with today's mumbling heroes?
Tom: I'm suggesting a mandrill for Timothy
Crow: A mandrill?!?
Joel: What about Magnum P.I.?
Tom: Let's see--something tropical. A sea turtle.
Crow: How about Jim Rockford?
Tom: Praying mantis
Joel: T. J. Hooker?
Tom: Oh, he'd have a creature with the head of Adrian Zmed and the body of a spider monkey
Crow: Uh, The Avengers?
Tom: For Emma Peel, a newt. For John Steed, let's see, a spitting cobra or a duck.
Joel: Toma?
Tom: Cockatoo, same as Baretta. Next?
Crow: Bat Masterson?
Tom: Penguin. All of your 19th century western detectives would have penguins. But there may be a couple puffins thrown in, so be sure and ask me about each one.
Joel: What about Starsky and Hutch?
Tom: Paul Michael Glasser: a vicuna. David Soul: a bat.
Crow: Uh, Matlock?
Tom: He raises meal worms for money.
Joel: The Saint?
Tom: Sea cow.
Crow: Miss Marple?
Tom: Weasel.
Joel: Mod Squad?
Tom: Puppy, lizard, bird.
Crow: Uh, Charles Darwin?
Joel: Oh! Now he wasn't a detective!
Crow: Well, so? He tracked stuff down, didn't he?
Tom: its okay, Joel. It's okay. Crow, Professor Darwin would have a howler monkey that would eventually evolve into his wise-cracking partner, Blake
Joel: Oh, now you're just showing off (Tom giggles)
Crow: Hey! Wait a minute! Charles Darwin wasn't fictional!
Joel: Hush, you two! We have Commercial Sign.
SOL
Joel: You are magic are you Trumpy? (Everything on the SOL floats, the hexfield view screen keeps opening and Crow, who is dressed up as Trumpy, floats too, while the tune from the floating scene from 'Pod People' plays.)
Deep 13
(Frank and Dr. F. seem perplexed and openmouthed and look into the camera.)
SOL
Joel (pointing to the ceiling) Trumpy, you come down! (Everything opens and floats, this time with Tom Servo, also dressed up as Trumpy, floats instead of Crow. Tom is so scared, he's yelling.)
Deep 13
(The Mads look at each other and look closer into the camera.)
SOL
Joel: I can't bring him down; I don't know how it works. (Everything floats and opens again, with Crow and Tom Servo floating as well.) Oh, we've got commercial sign (presses button).
SOL
(Tom and Crow are dressed wearing bowties. Tom speaks in a geeky voice and Crow speaks in an old geezer voice.)
Tom: Boy, Grandpa, I sure am enjoying this Godzilla movie! And I sure enjoy being your grandson!
Crow: Ah, keep talking, Buddy! You know, I certainly have amassed a fortune wearing dorky big bow ties, weasely glasses and donning big boy hair styles!
Tom: Yeah, sure, whatever you say, Gramps. You know, Grandpa, I was looking through some Italian fashion portfolios and there's some great new looks out, maybe we can hire a fashion consultant and...
Crow: Shut up, you little cretin! It's MY fortune and I'll decide how we wear our hair!
Tom: But, but Gramps! What good is having a bazillion dollar popcorn empire if no sweet chick will breed with me?
Crow: Listen to yourself, Buddy! It's part of the proud sweet popcorn creed to be without the love of a woman! How can we concentrate on genetically improving the popcorn if we have extremely abundant members of the weaker sex parading up and down the rows of our high-yield-super-chief-double-whammy-ganga-ganga corn? Sweet fruit juices anointing their bodies? Come on, how would this look?
Tom: Well I still WANT one!
Crow: Oh, Buddy! Get a-hold of yourself! We're scientists!
Tom: Well, sorry, Gramps. Hey can I ask you a question?
Crow: Oh, of course.
Tom: When will you be dying, you twisted old ferret?
Crow: Buddy, stop tormenting me! I am your grandfather! We are of the same blood! We're popcorn!
Tom: I'm sorry gramps but I can't stop thinking about all that money! I'm really looking to the day when you shed your spotty pox-marked furry coil, I shed my geeky image I sign on a full-time stylist, take dance lessons and disappear into the night! Ha ha!
Crow: You're gonna disappear into the night right now if you don't shut up! Don't think I haven't thought of disowning you! I relish the thought! Nightly! Nightly! Do you hear me? NIGHTLY!
Tom: Uhh... have I mentioned that our new light has 1/3rd the calories of our regular popcorn?
Crow: What do you care? You can't afford it, you're flat busted!
Tom (choking) That our new popcorn au gratin has real cheese flavor?
Crow: GOOD! You should get used to it, you're gonna be eating a lot of cheese! Government Cheese!
Tom (in tears) Why do you always do this? I hate you! I'VE ALWAYS HATED YOU! What happened to my real father, anyway?
Crow: He's in the poorhouse where I replaced him just like I'm gonna replace you if you don't shut up and do what I say! (Tom breaks down crying.) It's MY will, MY will not yours!! I've got the keys to the kingdom! I! ME! MY! I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD!
Tom (screaming) I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!! (Joel enters, with clipboard, as director.)
Joel: Hey! Cut! Cut! Can we cut it, again? Listen, remember. This is only a 30-second spot and try to mention the product more, eh? Oh, we've also got commercial sign.
SOL
Joel: Where are Dr Erhardt and Dr Forrester?
Deep 13
TV's Frank: I'm Frank. I'm new here. As for Dr Forrester, he stepped out for a moment. As for Dr Erhardt… (Frank holds up a milk carton with Dr Erhardt on it) …he's missing.
(Camera is focused on the wall of Deep 13. Camera pans left to show Dr. Forrester, using a remote control device to operate the camera. He is humming something.)
Erhardt (entering from the left, anxious) Clay! Clay! I think I was spotted on the way down here!
Dr. F: Did you wear your disguise?
Erhardt: I was wearing my disguise, but I'm just not very good in heels!
Dr. F: No one must know we're down here doing this!
Erhardt: I'm sorry.
Dr. F: Well, it's time to call Joel about the experiment.
to camera Come in, Joely-Poley Puddin'-n-Pie!
SOL
Joel: Hey, sirs, I'm ready for this week's invention exchange. Check this thing out! I just made it; it's the world's only electric bagpipes. (Produces bagpipes attached to leaf blower) All right... (Turns on leaf blower, begins to play. Joel and the 'bots sing.)
Joel and the Bots (singing) Amazing grace, how sweet the sound...
Joel: Okay, and uh, the robots and I have worked up a special cover version of Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love". You ready, guys?
Crow: Ready! Rock it!
Joel: 2, 3...
Joel and the Bots (singing) She's gotta whole lotta love! (bagpipes) Wanna whole lotta love! (bagpipes) She's gotta whole lotta love! (bagpipes) A really whole lotta love! (bagpipes)
Deep 13
(Erhardt appears to be in great pain)
Dr. F: I love it! Look... Larry's corneas are bleeding. Oh... Well! It's time we sent you our experimental nugget this week, Joel. Now, human underarm perspiration is something that happens to everyone after they go through puberty... (smirking) which, I assume, includes you, Joel.
(Erhardt chuckles derisively.)
Dr. F (abruptly): When's the last time you saw a dog sweat? Larry?
Erhardt: Never!
Dr. F: Exactly! And why is that?
Erhardt: Dogs don't sweat, that's why!
Dr. F: Exactly! Because of the dog's pineal gland. Nature's own canine antiperspirant. Now. You take the pineal gland, and you make a serum. You get a dog, it doesn't matter what kind of dog, and you inject that serum into a human subject. In this case, Larry...
(Dr. Erhardt places sensors under his armpits and bends over to allow Dr. F to inject him in the hinder. Forrester gets behind him with a large syringe, and examines Larry's hinder.)
Dr. F: Now, let's see...It's so hard to find a spot I haven't hit...(looking at something on Larry's hinder) Uh, what's this flower? And who's Roseanne?
Erhardt (irritated) Oh, just stick it, will you?
Dr. F: Sail on, Silver Bird! (injects Erhardt, who jumps up)
Erhardt: D'oh, Jeez!
Dr. F: Now, instantly the serum races through the bloodstream like a Porsche Targa 911, commandeering each pore, slamming it shut, like the vault at your favorite savings and loan!
(Erhardt begins panting like a dog.)
Dr. F: And, checking the wetness sensors... (he removes one from Erhardt's pit) ...we see that they are free from wetness, and/or odor. (He looks over at Erhardt.)
Erhardt: (panting) Antidote...Antidote.
Dr. F: Oh! Yes, the antidote. There you go... (injects something into Erhardt's arm) ...the antidote, and here is your treat (removes something from his pocket, throws it in the air. Erhardt catches it in his mouth).
SOL
Crow: Oh, brother!
Tom: That was pathetic!
Crow: Eww!
Joel (conciliatory) Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys. You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the Nobel Prize.
Tom: Maybe for fiction!
Joel: Hey! Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must've got kicked out of uh, Gizmonic Institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet.
Deep 13
Erhardt: Oh, don't be ridiculous! We moved!
Dr. F: It's ... It's our grand re-opening! Uh, welcome to Deep 13!
SOL
Joel: Deep 13? Wait a minute! That's in the sub-basement of Gizmonic Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It's incredibly radioactive!
Deep 13
Erhardt (dementedly) Well, it hasn't affected our brain any.
Dr. F: We like it here! Now, we're even closer to the atomic pile. And one day...
SOL
Joel: Well, I suppose it's time for you guys to start experimenting on us again.
Deep 13
Dr. F (angrily) I'll tell you when it's time to do the movie, you squinty-eyed space chimp!
Erhardt: Oh, uh, Clay?
Dr. F: What?
Erhardt: It is time.
Dr. F: Oh. Yeah, I ...
Erhardt: Nice insult, though.
Dr. F: I knew that. Thank you. Well, it's a real stink burger of a film this week, Joel. It's called "The Crawling Eye."
Erhardt (laughs) Oh, it's got a bad audio track, it's in black and white and worst of all it stars Forrest Tucker.
Dr. F: Hmm. Good name, bad actor. I'll put in the tape. (both laugh maniacally. Organ music plays)
SOL
Joel: Welcome to the Satellite of Love. It's a big day up here, isn't it guys?
Tom: Absolutely!
Crow: ... Big Day, Big Day
Joel: Because the guys who hold my destiny in their hands: Dr. Clayton Forrester and Dr. Lawrence Erhardt, are about to send me a transmission. (Pause)
Tom: Also, they are the two men responsible for marooning you in space!
Crow: Yeah, and the two guys who keep sending you those "Gamera" movies! Who-hoo!!
Joel: C'mon you guys, be nice. It's the new years, it's time to forgive and forget. Besides they might be sending us news of were going to be going home. (A musical tone is heard.)
Joel: Oh, there's the transmission now, you guys chill out, okay?
(Cut to the Mads, who are in informal dress shirts, in some sort of control room with TV monitors in the background and other various props and a crate of Pepsi.)
Dr. F: (No mustache and a much more deeper voice) Hello, Joely-boy-toy! Is it true what they say about space?!
SOL
Joel: Uh, What's that, sir?
GIZMONIC
Erhardt: That no one can hear you laugh!! (Mads begin to laugh)
SOL
Joel: Uh, Happy New Year, doctors?
GIZMONIC
Dr. F: Don't "Happy New Year" me, you white-piece-of-trash-floating-in-the-vacuum-of-space. We just heard that the Russians have launched their own comedian into space and he is already pulling a four rating... (Cut to a clip of a standup comedian standing in front of a cartoon space backdrop.)
Russian Comedian: (Holding his hand up like a hand puppet and talking to it) This is my friend, Bishi. Bishi, how are you? I am fine (Chuckle). How is your wife, Bishi? She is fine but her neck hurts (Puts down hand, chuckles some more), thank you so much... (Cut back to Gizmonic.)
Erhardt: ... and he's a regular Gallagher too! It's called "Very Incredible Movie Theater 4"!
SOL
Joel: Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester, would it be too much to ask if you could let me and my friends know when we'll be getting out of space?
GIZMONIC
Dr. F: Sure, Joely-Poley. Were planning a show for you right now here on Earth!
(SOL)
Joel: (Curious) Really?
GIZMONIC
Dr. F: Yeah, booby. It's about... a guy and three robots and they're submerged deep in the Trans-Alantic trench, three miles under the ocean surface and we send him transmission after transmission of Jacques Custeau movies. (Dr. Erhardt begins to loudly laugh, followed by Dr. Forrester and both start to laugh maniacally.)
SOL
Crow: What a couple of dickweeds. (Mockingly laughs at them)
Joel: Hey Crow, hush up! Listen... thanks but no thanks doc, we'll get used being out here in space for a little more time. (Joel's obviously disappointed.)
Tom: Um, excuse me, uh, how long are you gonna keep going to send us those gosh darn Turtle movies?!
GIZMONIC
Erhardt: Don't "Gosh darn" me, you little snack headed piece of tin foil! (points at the camera) You'll keep watching Gamera movies (Picks up a stack of tapes) until we get through all these!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Give 'em a commercial Clayton! (Both laugh again. Dr. Forrester, wearing a leather glove, points up and then presses a button that fades into commercial.)
(Fade in on an unrecognizable SOL. Joel sits at the table with Crow on his right and Beeper on his left.)
Crow: Do you think they can see us, Joel Hodgson?
Joel: Yeah, Crow, the transmission light is on, isn't it?
Beeper: (Enthusiastically) Beep!
Crow: Joel Hodgson, it's the first time Beeper's been seen by a human being. Uh, present company excluded, that is.
Beeper: Beep!
Joel: Listen, you guys, I'm going for it. People of Earth, I am Joel Hodgson. I am orbiting your planet on a man-made satellite of my own design. Please tell your president I built these robots. They are also of my own design. Also tell him that I don't like his TV shows very much, except for maybe some of the early "Death Valley Days".
Beeper: Beep! Yee-ha! Beep!
Joel: Uh, I present this invention to your planet. It is to aid all races, especially people who are suffering from back and neck and pelvis injuries. It's called the chiropractic helmet. I'll demonstrate.
(From under the table, Joel pulls out the device and puts it on his head. It looks like a bucket with a crank on top and the effect that the user's head is doing 360 degree turns. Crow and Beeper also demonstrate or try to their head-twisting talents in response.)
Beeper: (Wildly) Beep!
Joel: Crow, Beeper, you don't understand. The human beings on Earth can't twist their heads around like we can, unless maybe they went to college to study to become ventriloquist dummies or something.
Beeper: (Sadly) Beep.
Joel: What'd he say?
Crow: He said being a human being must be a rush.
Beeper: Beep.
Joel: (Talking over Beeper) Oh, yeah. It is. (Lights flicker)
Beeper: Beep!
Joel: (Talking over Beeper) Hey. Sounds like the theatre's opening up. You guys better get outta here. (Crow and Beeper leave. To Cambot) I'll see you on the other side. (Slaps a set of buttons on the table and leaves)
Around this time, Crow, Tom and Gypsy had arrived.
They, along with Joel and Mike, were feeling very nostalgic, and they were beginning the place they had considered their prison for so long.
In fact, Tom and Crow were blubbering like babies.
The President stared at the little screen.
Then he glanced over at Dr Paul.
Right at that moment, Dr Paul just wanted to be blasted off the face of the Earth.