Chapter 10
They said that I slept for a month.
I can't remember much from that time. But I remember feeling as if I knew what was in my room or who was in my room. But I couldn't respond to anyone or anything. I knew that there were flowers. Malak must have brought them. He knew that I loved their fragrance from the Room of a Thousand Fountains. Revan came. Malak too. Atris and Master Kavar also. I don't know when they came but I knew that they did come. Sometimes, I heard their voices. One time, I think I heard Atris cry. Another time, I think I heard Revan's voice begging me to come back. I wanted to talk to all them. I wanted to console them. But I couldn't. It was like being trapped inside my own body. I wanted to escape.
I remembered dreaming at times. There were times when I dreamt that I was a child back on Tatooine. Father, Daren and I were happy then. I just wish though, that I could have had a glimpse of Mother. Sometimes I saw Livia and Master Kai. We walked through the fields in Dantooine. It was wild and yet, in some way, peaceful. It seemed so far from Korriban or Coruscant. I wanted to stay there. Sometimes I thought that I heard Revan calling me from afar, telling me to wake up. It happened several times but I wasn't so sure about that.
When I woke up, Atris was beside me. I learned that she never left my side. As for Revan, she said that he did come once and then left. Since then, he kept busying himself with assignments and missions.
Much had happened since I had fallen to a deep sleep. Atris had become a Council member. Malak had been dubbed a Jedi Knight. During our Korriban mission, he had killed about four terentareks in addition to the ones we killed with him. That was a hard task in itself since I had learned that not many could kill a terentarek single-handedly even during the Great Hunt.
When I had fully recovered, I was taken to the Hall of Knighthood. The Council was waiting for me there. The room was darkened but I could see that Atris was there. There was also Master Vrook, Master Zez-Kai-Ell, Master Loona Vash, Master Kavar and Master Vandar. When I was in the center of the circle, they all ignited their lightsabers. Master Vandar told me to step forward towards him. I obeyed. He continued, 'Aranel Stari, by the right of the Council, by the will of the Force, dub thee I do, Jedi Knight.' Afterwards, my braid was cut off. It symbolized my transition.
After the ceremony, Atris gave me my first Jedi Knight robe. When we came out of the Temple spire, we found that Malak was waiting for us at the door. We had a little celebration in the canteen. I was a bit disappointed though, because Revan wasn't there. Malak said that he took an assignment away from Coruscant.
Later, I visited Livia's grave and then Master Kai's. I gave her flowers and told her about the ceremony as if she was still alive. I found that there were many flowers on her grave. They were from different people. I never knew that many people honored her and cared for her until then.
A few days later, Revan arrived. I met him on a hallway. When he saw me, he stood still, expressionless. He approached me and congratulated me on my knighthood. Then he left.
A few weeks passed. He still wouldn't speak to me. The Council assigned him and me to meet a contact in the city who was supposed to give some information concerning a local crime lord. We dressed in cognito so that we would not attract people's attention. When we have finished meeting our contact, I suggested to Revan that we head back to the Temple.
'No,' he replied. He took my hand and smiled. 'Let us stay here for a while.' That was one of the few times where I saw him smile. He walked me to a vendor selling flowers.
On the road, there was a crowd gathering. There was a parade. There were fireworks. We realized that it was Republic day. I haven't been in a celebration like that since I was a schoolgirl. We watched intently as floats of twileks, rodians and some human entertainers passed by. The parade continued for an hour. As the fireworks grew bigger, we walked to Monument Park. Several couples were dancing. A Rodian band was playing. We didn't dance because neither of us knew how. But it felt so good to be like just everyone else. We were not Jedi. Just Aranel and Revan. We walked down the small lake. Then he stopped.
'What's wrong Revan?' I asked.
'Nothing. It's just...'
'What?'
'I...I am just a man. You are just a woman. I am a just man telling you that I love you.'
I wasn't looking at him intently at first but the next moment, my eyes were completely on him. I couldn't say anything.
'I love you, Aranel...Don't tell me you haven't noticed.'
I found it hard to say anything at first but eventually the words came to my mouth: 'I...I did. And I...I...I love you too.' After I said that, I couldn't stop my tears.
He took me in his arms. I thought he was going to kiss me but he didn't. He just held me tight. 'But you must understand, Aranel, this is just for this moment. When we go back, we should forget this. We cannot be together. That is our destiny.'
'I know. That's what makes it hard...But, let's just pretend...for now.'
The moon had risen from the other side of the lake. A mandolin started playing. The lead singer sang in a language that we didn't understand. But it didn't matter. His voice was soft, calm and soothing. More fireworks lit the sky above us. We didn't want that night to end. But it did.
The next few days were very difficult for us. We avoided one another so that people won't notice. The knowledge that he loved me made me both happy and sad. I was happy because I knew that he loved me. I was sad because I knew we could never be. Malak seemed sad too. But he was always there for me. So was Atris. I was so confused. I wished that Master Kai was with me.
A month passed and I could not bear it any longer. Seeing him was like torture. I decided to leave. I decided to go back to Dantooine. The Council had elevated me to the level of Master. I would teach in Dantooine and perhaps find a padawan there.
On the day that I was going to leave, Atris and Malak were there to bid me good bye. Atris hugged me. 'Don't worry child, you are doing the right thing.'
'I hope so. Thank you, Atris.'
It was Malak's turn. I hugged him goodbye. I started crying.
'Hey, don't cry,' he said. But it seemed to me that he himself almost cried at that moment. 'If anybody makes you cry, just call me and I will be on the first ship to Dantooine.' We laughed. Then he asked, 'Isn't he coming?'
'No, I told him not to.' I knew that if I see him, I might not leave.
I said goodbye to them both. I walked up to my ship. I took one last look at them. I saw Atris was crying. It was one of the rare times that she let herself cry. I waved to them. They waved back as my ship took off.
When I was on space, I saw that I had one unplayed holo-recording. I played it. It was Revan.
'As you are watching this, I might be watching your ship take off from my window or you might be on space. I know that it is not our destiny to be together. But you have taught me to see beyond me. I cannot help but think of you. I cannot help but see you everywhere I go. When you were at the clinic, I was there next to you though many did not know it. I want to be next to you, though I know I cannot follow you. I think you know that I love you.' On my seat, I found that there was something hard. It was a silver crystal (I always adored that color as it reminds me of my favorite place on Coruscant which is the Room of a Thousand Fountains) and some lightsaber parts. It had a note: 'Sorry, but I know that this is perhaps one of the few things that you can possess. I know I cannot have you, but I know I am yours. Revan.'
I cried. I couldn't stop until my ship neared Dantooine.