Aloha Humani! Didn't I say that I'd post this ASAP?
OK, I'm gonna warn ya right now, these next chapters will be all about the email. Obviously. The featured author in this chapter is Miraeyeteeth
Author's warning: I'm gonna wait until this little mini-arc is over before I reply to reviews, so I can have more room to write. I may reply via PM, but don't get your hopes up. Enjoy!
"Uh uh, Boogerman. I ain't giving any spoilers." Abby scrolled down and the email on Pitch's screen mimicked her movements. "Chapter two: Preparations."
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"'You did WHAT?!" North shouted, looking incredulous."
"Abby!" Pitch complained, rubbing his ears. "Please!"
"Sorry Pitch." Abby said without the smallest hint of sincarity. "I gotta make it sound realistic, don't I?"
"You're reading to the Boogeyman, Abby, not the entire world on Fox radio." Pitch replied tersely.
"Jack, mate, no offense, but are you bonkers?!" Bunnymund threw his hands up in the air. "This is Pitch we're talking about!" Abby continued.
"Look, I know it sounds crazy, but just listen-" Jack began.
"No, I am not going to listen to any harebrained scheme you have about helping the guy that tried to throw us all into oblivion! Or had you forgotten about that little incident already?"
"No, I haven't. I'm trying to stop it from happening again."
"By, what, giving him enough power to squash us all outright? If he gets kids to believe in him again…"
"He wants to be a part of something! You remember how terrible it was when the kids stopped believing in you. Keeping him in that state is just going to make him more resentful and angry!"
Abby stopped. "AWWWWWWW!" she cooed. "Jacky-poo is wowwied about Pitchy!"
"Call me that again and be damn the spell on my cave, I will break out, find you, and then break every bone in your body." Pitch replied sullenly, folding his arms over his chest.
This was an empty threat and they both knew it. Abby knew it because she knew he couldn't get out of his cave at all and Pitch knew it because of the one rule he had: Never physically hurt a child. I know, surprising, right? Pitch had never physically hurt a child in his immortal life, apart from Jack Frost. And he'd used his nightmare sand to do that, so it didn't really count,
"Pitch sat at a table in the darkened library, flipping through a book. There was a knock on the-"
"Hold it!" Pitch said, raising his hand. "How did we go from talking to the Guardians to me in the library?"
"It's called a time-skip, DER!" Abby said snarkily. "No, if you don't mind.
Pitch grunted and Abby took that as an approval. "There was a knock on the window. He glanced up to see Jack peering inside. He frowned and turned back to the book.
Another knock, this one louder. This time the window was frosted, and written in it was "Let me in."
The boogeyman rolled his eyes and got up from the desk to open the window.
Jack hopped inside. "Hey, thanks. So what are you doing in here?"
"Reading. What else would I be up to in a library?"
There was a slight pause, as if Jack was deciding against the first reply that came to mind. "What're you reading?"
"I fail to see how that matters."
The Guardian leaned against his staff casually. "You know, just making conversation."
"Of course. So, tell me, the other Guardians have sent you to check up on me, correct? Making sure that I'm not reading up on '101 Ways to Subjugate the World and its Inhabitants'?"
"I read that book," Abby interrupted herself. "Pretty pathetic if you ask me."
"Just read," Pitch moaned.
"There's a book like that?" Jack asked with a grin.
"I don't appreciate disruptions, Jack. If you must spy on me, be quiet. Or I'll have to make it difficult for you to find me."
"Jeez, you're no fun."
"I was under the impression that was supposed to be your area of expertise, not mine." Pitch stalked back to the table and picked the book back up.
Jack shrugged and went to go wander among the bookshelves. Just what had he gotten himself into? Was he really supposed to watch the Nightmare King for the entire month of October? Cooped up in whatever dusty spaces Pitch decided to occupy? Talk about a nightmare. Already he was itching to go outside and add some frost to the crisp autumn night. Besides, what was Pitch going to do? Get up to some spooky reading? Some bone-chilling research?"
Abby paused, then laughed. "Bone-chilling research. Nice one Mira."
Pitch growled and Abby took that as her cue to keep reading.
"Actually, just what was he doing here, anyway? Pitch hadn't exactly struck Jack as the bookish type. Horror stories, maybe? Did the embodiment of fear really need to get inspiration from others? Curious now, Jack headed towards the wall of the library. There had to be a light switch around somewhere.
Several moments and two stubbed toes later, he finally happened upon his goal, a few bookshelves removed from where Pitch was sitting. With a grin, Jack flipped the switch and made a break for it. He rounded the corner just in time to see Pitch slam the book shut and fix him with a glare.
"Oh, heh, was that me? Sorry, just didn't want stumble around blindly in here." Jack rubbed the back of his head and glanced over at the book. An encyclopedia? Looked like it covered subjects from G through I. Well, that cleared up absolutely nothing. He looked back to Pitch, only to find the chair empty. The tall man had vanished into the shadows again. Now he was going to have to go looking for him all over again. With a sigh, Jack went back to turn out the lights and left the library through the window."
"End of chapter two." Abby said, scrolling down.
"These chapters are short." Pitch commented.
"Yes, but they're very well-written." Abby countered. "Chapter three: The Big Night."
"One month. One month whole he had been chasing after Pitch, running across him on occasion as the boogeyman went about his mysterious errands. Once at a scrapyard, a couple times in a closed-down shopping center…
He was starting to worry that Pitch really was plotting something nasty again, and now it was only a few hours to sundown on Halloween. He was going to have to call in the Guardians after all. He groaned. Bunnymund was going to be smug, he just knew it."
"I'm just warning you now, there is a time-skip approaching." Abby said.
"Read." Pitch muttered.
"Reading. The teens looked positively petrified by the time they stumbled out of the house, clustering together protectively. "Jeez, I've never had a haunted house feel so real before…" One whispered to the other.
"Yeah, but wasn't it a rush?" An older looking boy asked, looking a bit less pale now that he was safely outside again. "It was almost like it was tailor-made with us in mind…"
"I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves." A soft voice echoed around them as a man stepped from the shadows. Startled, the teens huddled closer together, staring wide-eyed at the figure. "Fear is something of a specialty of mine, after all."
"Wh- who are you?"
"I think you already know. The Boogeyman, King of Nightmares, Pitch Black, at your service." he made a little mock bow.
"But… you're not real! Mom said!" One of the younger kids piped up.
"Did she? I guess adults don't know everything after all, do they? Now, I've got one more treat for you… Or maybe you would call it a trick." he snapped his fingers and roiling clouds of black sand rose up around the kids. They gasped and shrank back, but there was nowhere to run. The blackness collapsed over the teens and disappeared, leaving no trace of them or itself.
"Pitch!" Like a bolt from the blue, a pale teen hurtled to the ground to land beside Pitch, holding his staff up defensively. "What have you done?!"
Pitch cackled. "Jack, you made it just in time for the fun part!" His mirth was interrupted when a boomerang struck the back of his head and sent him stumbling forward.
Pitch winced. "I don't cackle."
Abby snorted. "Oh come on, give me a break. You're the Boogeyman! Of course you cackle! What was that when you were flying around the globe in the beginning of the movie?"
"I... haven't... watched... the... movie!" Pitch said through gritted teeth.
"Oh. My bad!" Abby said.
"Monster! Where are the kids?!" Bunnymund's enraged voice echoed through the night.
"They-" Pitch was cut off as a coil of golden sand looped around him and dragged him into the air. He found himself looking into the stormy face of the Sandman. The sound of rapid wing beats and sleigh bells let him know that the other two Guardians were there as well.
"So the gang's all here. How nostalgic," Pitch growled disdainfully. He was stronger now, though, especially tonight. He wrenched one arm free of the restraints and hurled darkness into Sandy's face. The momentary distraction loosened the bonds enough for him to break free entirely. Pitch dove into a patch of shadow in the street and promptly dissolved. "Follow me if you can, Guardians!" he taunted.
They came to a screeching halt at the sight before them. Dozens of kids were within the cavern, many of them indulging themselves at the tables generously laden with all kinds of candies and treats. Others were dancing to some kind of Halloween soundtrack, the source of the chains, thumps, and wails. At the far end of the cavern, another group was sitting down facing Pitch. He appeared to be telling a scary story, punctuating his tale with images that formed out of black sand. He paused when he saw the Guardians come in. "Ben. You take over, you've got some good ones." he said, before leaving to go meet his newest guests.
Pitch blinked. "I held a Halloween party in my caves?" he said, testing the words as if he'd never said them before- which he probably hadn't.
Abby snorted. "Yeah. I loved this chapter because of that bit. Wait 'till you hear what comes next!"
"Waiting."
"Expecting something else?" he asked coldly.
"Uh… Just a little." Jack was the first one to compose himself after the surprise, and lowered his staff. "Why didn't you just-"
"Say something? You didn't seem very keen on talking, just on beating me. Besides, would you have believed me?"
"I'm still not sure I believe it." Bunnymund muttered, looking around suspiciously. "What if the kids want to leave?"
"I've provided transportation." Pitch gestured towards a group of Nightmares penned near the entrance of the cave. "Or I can send them back the same way they got here. It's not as fanciful as your little globes, North, but it gets the job done. You can even talk to the kids yourselves, if you'd like."
"Wait." Jack followed after him. "Pitch, I'm sorry about-"
The boogeyman held up a hand to stop him. "I won't ask for your apologies, Jack. Given my prior behavior, it's not like the conclusion you jumped to was unfounded. Besides…" Pitch smiled. It was a sinister looking smile, but Jack wasn't sure Pitch was capable of looking any other way. "If not for you, it would have never occurred to me to try this."
"Aw, was that a thank-you?"
The smile vanished. "Don't press your luck."
"Awwww."
"Shut-"
"Fine, fine. But I think I'll stick around for a bit longer. Make sure you're not doing anything terrible."
"You're just here to eat all of the candy and make a scene."
"And here I didn't think you knew me so well." Jack laughed.
"HA!" That was Pitch, surprisingly.
"…I should really get back to the workshop. Christmas is less than two months away…" North muttered, watching the crowd.
"Yeah, I've got business to attend to, back at the Warren…"
"Well, I'm going to go make sure that candy is okay. Cavities, you know." Tooth said, before flitting her way inside of the cave as well.
Sandy shrugged and skipped towards Jack, who was doing quadruple somersaults as the kids looked on.
North and Bunnymund looked at each other. "…I won't tell anyone if you won't." The large rabbit said.
"Deal!"
"HA!" Pitch said again. Then he began to laugh.
Abby smirked. "I had a feeling you'd like that one. And I have a feeling you'll like the next one even more."
Pitch stopped laughing. "Why?" he said suspiciously.
"Ohh, just a hint. It takes place before the party, just so you know. Chapter four: Aside."
"Pitch was just putting the finishing touches on his haunted house when he felt a sudden spike of fear from several blocks away. He paused. The sun was barely down, just what was causing that exquisitely intense feeling of fear? Was someone trying to beat him at his own game? Curious, he moved towards the source.
He had almost reached the area; it appeared to be down a dark alleyway, when he heard the sound of a blow being struck, and a small cry. Oh, the threat of violence. How brutish. Pitch thought, disappointed. He looked down the alley to see a man dragging a struggling young girl towards a car.
Cold fury trickled through Pitch. This was his night, and someone dared to try to abduct one of his charges? With a growl, he strode to the pair and grabbed at the man's arm. His hand passed through the human's flesh as if it wasn't even there. Pitch gritted his teeth. He refused to be powerless on Halloween, the night dedicated to fear and dark.
Actually, people did tend to be more superstitious about ghouls and ghosts at this time of the year. Maybe he could bend the rules a bit… Producing a handful of glittering black dust, he blew it into the man's face.
The man blinked and suddenly leaped backwards, swearing. "Where did you come from?"
Pitch grinned. This trick would work for maybe a minute- adults were far too good at disbelieving in things- but a minute was all he needed. "From your worst nightmares. Get him," Pitch said, and a horde of Nightmares came pouring out of the shadows, charging at the man. He yelped and ran, hotly pursued.
Pitch laughed. Sometimes, it was good to be him. Suddenly, he felt an impact at his back. Thinking he was under some kind of attack, he twisted around to see the young girl from before clinging to him. She had her face buried in his robes and was shaking like a leaf. Pitch paused. This was something new.
From where he was standing now, it was easy to see the crumpled costume wings on the child's back. She had been dressed as a fairy, of course. He scowled.
"I- I was so scared!" she sobbed. "You saved me!"
"Oh, did I?" he removed the child's arms from around his waist and ushered her back from him. He crouched down so that their eyes were level and smiled. "And who's to say I didn't chase him off so I could eat you myself?"
The girl flinched away, raising her hands defensively. Then, after a moment had passed, she peeked at him from between her fingers. "…You would've done it already." she said, with some conviction.
"Such a brave girl." Pitch straightened. "Fortunately, this time you happen to be correct. I'm not particularly peckish at this point in time."
"Did- did you come out from under my bed to chase the bad man away?" The girl blurted out.
Ah. The child believed in monsters under her bed. Explained how she saw him so quickly. "…Maybe. But I should go back, and so should you." he snapped his fingers and another Nightmare came to his side. "This will take you home. Tell your parents about the man, and tell them the license plate numbers on that car. Leave out the part about me. I'll get a bad reputation- saving kids. It's no fitting job for the boogeyman."
The girl looked at the huge black horse apprehensively. "It's scary." In response, the Nightmare snorted eagerly and took a few steps forward.
"It's supposed to be. But if it knows what's good for it, it'll take you straight home like a good horse, won't it?" Pitch yanked on the Nightmare's reigns, and the creature whickered reluctantly.
Pitch stepped back and watched the equine leap into the night sky and charge off, the girl clinging to its mane with a yelp. She should be fine; he wasn't as powerful as he used to be, but the Nightmares wouldn't dare disobey him tonight.
He wondered for a moment why he bothered with the child anyway. What did it matter to him, what happened to her? He supposed that he was simply jealous of someone who would try to take away one of the children he was supposed to be scaring. Speaking of which… He turned to look at the kidnapper's car. It wouldn't do for the man to come back and just drive off now.
Pitch smiled and picked up his scythe. When he was done with it, this car wasn't going to be giving rides to children any time soon."
Abby stopped. Pitch hadn't interrupted the entire time she'd been reading. It was unusual for the Boogeyman to shut up for this long.
"Pitch?" she asked.
Silence for a few minutes, then Pitch spoke. "That was. . ." he said, trying to come up with the right words.
"Unexpected?" Abby offered.
"Yes." Pitch said. "But I enjoyed the 'eat you myself' part."
"Yeah," Abby drawled. "You would. Next chapter?"
"How many are there?" Pitch asked.
"Fifty-three, if I remember correctly."
"FIFTY-THREE?" Pitch yelped. "All about me controlling Halloween?"
"Nah, there's funnier ones than that in here. And- oh. That's interesting."
"What?"
"The Guardians have seen fit to only include twenty-five chapters of this story. I guess it was too long for the email."
Abby scrolled down through the email, then she stopped. "Oh gods, if they didn't include Mirror I'm going to personally make Bunnymund into a fur coat!"
"Mirror?" Pitch repeated, confused.
"My favorite chapter, aside from Prank Wars." Abby said dismissively. "And I- Oh! Here it it! YAYZUMSAUCE!"
Pitch frowned. "What the hell does yayzumsauce mean?"
"It's a combination of 'yay' and 'awesomesauce.' Abby replied, scrolling back up. "So, there were twenty-five chapters and we've read four. twenty-one left. Oh boy!"
"I can hardly wait." Pitch said rolling his eyes.
"Ok, here's the next one: Chapter Five: Conversations."
"Jack! It's terrible!" Tooth swooped down on Jack, forcing him to halt abruptly in his frost-spreading antics. The fairy held her cupped hands in front of Jack's face, showing him a handful of teeth. "Just look at them!"
"Er, are you feeling alright? They look fine to me."
"They're positively riddled with cavities!" the fairy wailed. "It's Pitch's doing! He handed out all that candy, and I'm sure he's fueling the kids' fears of the dentist!"
Jack stared at her. "Okay… What's this got to do with me?"
"You've got to stop him! Talk to him!"
"Me? Why?"
"He listens to you."
He did? That was news to Jack. The boogeyman had been more cordial to him as of late, sure. Well, he hadn't tried to attack him recently, at least. But it wasn't as though they were buddies or anything. If Tooth was set on something, though, it would be easier to go along than try to argue her down. "Right, sure. I'll give it a shot."
The tooth fairy gave him a brilliant smile. "Thanks, Jack!" she said, before flitting off.
Jack sighed. If he had known that helping Pitch out that one time would have made him the boogeyman's keeper… Well, he still would have done it. Nothing for it, he supposed. This place was going to have to go without frost for tonight. Jack leaped into the air and let the winds carry him off.
"KEEPER?!" Pitch bellowed.
"Zip it, Booger." Abby ordered.
"Jack slid under the rotting bedframe and dropped down the tunnel into Pitch's lair.
"Pit- Aaaaagh!" The moment he landed, he heard a sudden snarl and a huge black shape crashed into him, pinning him to the floor. Jack found himself staring up into the maws of some gigantic black wolf, its crazed and red-glowing eyes fixed on him as black drool dripped from the bared fangs and onto his hoodie.
"Nox, no!" A pale grey hand grabbed the creature by the scruff of its neck and hauled it off of Jack.
"Phew. Thanks…" Jack began, before noticing that Pitch was currently lecturing the beast. He sat up.
"What did I tell you about intruders? You go for the Achilles tendon first. Then you can disable them quickly and shift your focus to keeping an eye out for any more of them. If four or five come in at once, pinning only one is just going to get you blasted away." Finished, Pitch turned his attention to his new guest. "Oh. Hello, Jack."
"HA!" Pitch said for the third time.
"I know. That one made me crack up the first time I read it too." Abby said. "Can you really make other shadow-beasts?"
"No." Pitch said shortly. "It would take too much power and I'm weak enough as it is"
"Aww. A Hellhound would be so cool!"
Pitch shrugged. "Interesting concept, I grant you, but completely impractical."
Abby smirked. "What is that? And why are you teaching it to maul people?"
"What can I say? I take home security seriously. And you should really knock on the door before you come into my lair."
"You don't have a door."
"Exactly. When I install one, you can then assume that you are welcome to come bother me."
"That goes for you too," Pitch said, pointing to the screen.
"I come and go when I please." Abby said.
"Oh, come on, since when has being unwelcome ever stopped me from doing anything?" Jack asked, picking up his staff and getting to his feet. He grimaced and tried to brush the drool off of his shirt. It came off surprisingly easily; it was apparently made of nightmare sand and quickly flaked off. "But seriously, what is that thing? Nightmares aren't good enough anymore?"
"It's my newest creation. I've been calling them Hellhounds. I wanted to see if I could make something with a bit more loyalty than the Nightmares is all." Pitch smiled and patted the head of the hound, which happened to be at the same level as his chest. "Well, that and I thought something new would be interesting for next Halloween. The children are just going to love them."
"The kids are going to be scared silly of them."
"Same thing, isn't it?" Pitch waved a hand and the Hellhound loped off into the shadows. "Now, what brings you here? Arbitrary as you may appear, generally there is a reason you come to disturb my peace."
"Well, you see, Tooth asked me to," Jack said, noticing the way the boogeyman's eyes narrowed at the mention of the other Guardian. "She's worried about cavities and stuff, you know, from the Halloween candy."
"You can hardly blame me for that. Candy was part of the holiday long before I got involved. It's not my style, you know that," Pitch responded, folding his arms.
"And the dentists?"
"What children aren't scared of places where they get sharp objects jammed into their mouths?" Pitch asked innocently.
"HA!"
"…Sure, right. Can't I ask you to let up on it a bit, though? Please?"
"And why should I?" Pitch snapped.
Jack was slightly taken aback. "Well, I thought-"
"What? That I would take over Halloween, and everything would be fine? I would invite everyone over here for tea and biscuits?" Pitch laughed bitterly. "Oh, no, Jack. I hate the Guardians. I would take great pleasure in watching each and every one of them be entirely forgotten."
"Indeed I would."
"Already tried that once. It didn't stick, remember?" Jack tightened both of his hands around his staff.
Pitch nodded. "Right you are. Unfortunately, you lot are too strong. Trying to bring you down is a waste of my time and yours. But one can always dream, right?"
"Pitch, you don't have to be like this. I mean, I didn't know I was a Guardian. Maybe you-"
"Don't be naive, Jack. You were chosen by the Man in the Moon. I'm the one he made the Guardians to stop, to protect the children from. I'm the opposite of a Guardian."
Jack raised one eyebrow and grinned. "Oh, you think so? That's not what I've been hearing."
"And just what have you been hearing?"
"Oh, you know. There's a little girl in town who's been telling her friends about how a tall, scary man with a bunch of black horses rescued her. On Halloween, wasn't it?"
Shock and embarrassment spread over Pitch's face, before he suddenly turned away. "No good deed goes unpunished, isn't that how the saying goes?"
"Come on, Pitch. There's no shame in being a big old softie. …Well, okay, maybe a little shame." Jack said with a laugh.
"…You know too much. I'm going to have to kill you now." Pitch turned back to Jack, black sand flowing out of the shadows to gather around him.
"Hah, I'd like to see you try!" Jack retorted, grinning and twirling his staff.
"HA!" Abby and Pitch said at the same time.
"That was pretty good," Pitch admitted.
"Yeah. Especially the 'old softie' bit." Abby said, smirking.
"What's next?" Pitch asked.
Abby checked the chapter title. "Oh jeez," she said, sniggering. "My second favorite chapter!"
"What? Why?" Pitch asked, instantly on his guard.
"It's really short. Abby said. "But it's the second-best chapter in this story I've ever read! Here we go: Chapter six: Battle. This is a direct continuation from the last chapter, by the way."
"Oh joy."
"Pitch's lair was an absolute mess. Spiky black and white monuments of the clash between cold and dark lay scattered everywhere. A thick layer of frost seemed to cover everything, and shards of ice and darkness lay gleaming on the floor. Jack Frost stood in the midst of the devastation, breathing slightly more heavily than usual. His eyes darted left and right, then he took a moment to shake black sand out of his hair and the sleeves of his shirt. "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" he called, holding his staff in front of him with both hands. "I know you're lurking here somewhere!"
As if in response, the boogeyman stepped silently from the shadows behind Jack, smirking in anticipation of his sneak attack. Suddenly, he noticed that Jack was standing facing a mirror-smooth piece of ice, and that he could see both himself and the teen clearly reflected in it. Jack grinned. "Gotcha." he struck his staff against the ground and ice raced from the spot to encase Pitch's legs, trapping him. Jack whirled and leveled his staff at the boogeyman. "Will you admit defeat, villain?"
"I think not." Pitch responded, and whistled. The black hound from before abruptly bounded out of the darkness and clamped down on the staff, wrenching it from Jack's grip. Startled blue eyes met triumphant yellow ones as the Nightmare King grinned. "Now, Jack. Beg me for mercy."
The nightmare sand that had worked its way under Jack's hoodie suddenly began to move, tickling him relentlessly. Jack gasped and convulsed, falling to the floor. "Eeek! You- ahaha! You monster! My one- haha- weakness!"
"Did you really think I wouldn't find out?"
"This- pfft- this is low, Pitch!" Jack cried, clutching his sides and squirming.
"HA!" Pitch laughed. "That is-"
"Great. I know." Abby said. "Playing dirty, the only way to really get what you want."
"Jack?" The unexpected voice made them both suddenly stop and look at the entrance to the lair. Toothiana was peering into the cavern, looking utterly perplexed. "What's going on?"
For a moment the two of them shared a remarkably similar expression, like two children who had just been caught doing something that they shouldn't have. Then Jack gave her one of his award-winning smiles. "I'm battling evil, Tooth. What's it look like?"
"I think you meant to say that you're losing," Pitch retorted as the sand resumed tickling Jack.
"Ahaha! No, please! Make it stop!"
A veritable deluge of dreamsand suddenly poured over Jack, chasing away the darkness. The sandman was peering out of the entrance as well, now.
"Whew, thanks, mate. Seeing that going on was all kinds of creepy." Bunnymund hopped out of one of his tunnels near the sputtering Jack.
Pitch groaned exasperatedly. "Did I somehow forget that I sent out invitations to you lot?" he looked off to one side at the growling Hellhound that was bristling at the Guardians, Jack's staff still held in its teeth. "Nox, heel." The beast went to its master's side as Pitch broke his legs free of the ice.
"We were worried when Jack didn't come back, is all," Tooth said.
"Drop it." The staff clattered to the floor. Pitch grabbed it and tossed it at Jack's feet. "Well, you've got him back. Now get out."
Jack shook sand out of his ears and picked up the staff, ice crackling back over its surface again. "We'll call it a tie, then?"
"Oh, I had you beat, Jack, if your little entourage hadn't showed up. But, if you feel like tasting defeat again, I'll be happy to have a rematch sometime," Pitch replied with a smirk.
Pitch was laughing. He'd been laughing since the 'Battling evil' bit and now he was all-out chortling with mirth. "That- was-" he wheezed, rocking back and forth and clutching his sides.
"I know! I know!" Abby said. She too was laughing and banging her fists against the desk. "I love this chapter."
They both continued laughing for several more minutes, then Abby calmed down and had to get a drink of water. Pitch was still laughing when she came back.
"That- hic! -enough Pitch." she said. "I know it was funny, but you don't have to kill yourself over a funny chapter."
"Oh, oh, oh," Pitch said, clutching his sides. "I'm f- fine."
Abby giggled. I'm so glad I'm filming this, she thought.
The next few chapters flew by.
Pet:
"There's nothing little about that thing! What is that?!" Jack's skin was crawling. He hated bugs. You never had to worry about bugs in the winter time.
"Theraphosa blondi, or the Goliath Bird-Eating Spider. Poor little thing. I was doing my rounds in South America and one dolt was trying to kill her with a shovel. I've always had a soft spot for spiders; arachnophobia is probably one of the most common fears, after all. So I just couldn't leave her." Pitch patted the cage fondly and opened up the door to it.
"Don't let it out!" Jack leaped into the air and hovered there.
"You're sure you don't want to meet her properly, Jack?" Pitch asked, holding both of his hands to the opening of the cage.
"Huh. A nice tarantula would make this place more homely."
"Ewww. I hate spiders."
Rescue:
"What possessed you to come to the blasted tropics?!" Pitch demanded angrily, holding Jack up by the collar and shaking him.
Jack coughed up salt water, spewing it all down Pitch's arm. The boogeyman looked disgusted. "What're you doing here?" the boy croaked.
"I'm saving your miserable hide is what I'm doing! You were putting off enough fear for me to sense a continent away!" Pitch snapped. "And if you tell the Guardians about this, I swear I will come back and drown you myself!" Nightmare sand wrapped around Jack and he suddenly found himself in a blessedly cold snowbank in the middle of a frozen plain. Antarctica, judging from the penguins nearby. Jack still felt very woozy. Did that really just happen? He wondered, flopping backwards into the snow.
"There's no way I would save Jack Frost's life. I might find a nice shady spot to watch the fun and bring some popcorn ,certainly, but I wouldn't step in to help if my life depended on it."
"Denial isn't a river in Egypt, Pitch."
"Huh?"
"Joke. Never mind."
Aftermath:
"Pitch's normally pale grey skin had an angry red tinge to it, and the skin on his nose was peeling. The boogeyman gave Jack a withering look. "The equatorial sun doesn't agree with my nature any more than it does yours, Jack. I'm sunburnt. Now, if you're finished gawking, go away."
Jack paused for a moment, caught between feeling responsible for the condition and finding it hilarious. The latter won out, and Jack guffawed. "You look ridiculous."
"Yes, I'll have you know that I blame you entirely. Next time, don't expect any help. Although I may drop by with popcorn, just to watch you suffer," Pitch replied, herding Jack towards the exit. He plucked the cookies out of the boy's grasp. "I'll be taking these, you don't deserve them. Now, out you go." Nightmare sand coiled underneath Jack's feet and flung him unceremoniously out of the lair.
"The real me wouldn't be stupid enough to get sunburned. And I prefer oatmeal cookies."
"Another weird trivia answer on the long list I'm making."
Holiday:
"I came by to wish you a Merry Christmas, of course! I even hand-delivered you a white one!" Jack replied, looking pleased with himself. "It's a little early, I suppose, only Christmas Eve and all, but I do have a pretty packed schedule around this time of the year."
Jack could actually see the muscles flex in the boogeyman's jaw, that was how hard Pitch clenched his teeth. "Oh, how considerate of you. Tell me, did you also bring a present? Perhaps a large bag of salt to rub in my wounds?"
Jack's brow furrowed. "What?"
"Are you really so idiotic as to not realize that reminding me of my enemy's day of glory might be a bit ill-thought out, Jack?" Pitch asked, the shadows around him starting to writhe. "If I had won against the Guardians back then, and on the day that would have been Easter, I invited you to celebrate All Hail Our Dark Lord Day, how would you feel?"
"Hey, for once she got my persona right! I do take it upon myself to taint this holiday in any way I deem necessary, even if it is only in a few countries."
"So, you really do dress up as Krampus?"
"Yes indeed. And boy, is it fun."
"I'll take your word for it."
"Also, I hate Carol of the Bells."
"Let me guess: Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer?"
"No."
Tea Time:
"Whatever do you mean?" Pitch asked innocently. "Can't I warmly welcome a friend into my home?"
"Stop it, you're being really creepy."
"How nice of you to say. I'm flattered. I'll be right back, go ahead and take a seat." Pitch gestured at the chairs, then vanished.
Jack spent a moment wondering if he should run far, far away and never return.
"Another example of this character being completely outside my normal persona."
"Just wait. The next chapter is where it gets good."
Prank war, part one:
"I'm worried about Jack," Tooth began, looking at the other Guardians that had gathered up at North's home. "He's been spending a lot of time around Pitch; it can't be good for him."
North shrugged. "Pitch has not hurt Jack. He seems to be fond of boy."
"That's not necessarily a good thing, North. You didn't come with us last time, you didn't see them playing. It was beyond creepy," Bunnymund said with a shudder.
"Come now, is good that Pitch is having harmless fun, yes? Better than threatening children."
"What if it's just another one of his plans? What if he's plotting to corrupt Jack or something?" Bunnymund asked.
"You don't trust Jack?" North replied.
"Jack is fine, it's Pitch I don't trust. Leopards don't change their spots so easy."
"Jack's already a bit, well, mischievous." Tooth said, fluttering her wings nervously. "And he's the youngest one of us. What if Pitch is a bad influence on him?"
"Sandy, what do you think?"
The short golden man shrugged. Above his head, a miniature Jack flew around carefreely, zipping this way and that.
"You are right. Even if we think that Pitch is a problem, Jack is free-spirited. How would we stop him from doing as he likes?" North agreed with the silent Guardian's sentiment.
"Well, there's gotta be something. It's not right, a Guardian spending time with that whacker."
From further inside the workshop, there was a series of muffled booming noises, followed by familiar maniacal cackling. Moments later, a soot-covered yeti came storming into the room, smelling strongly of onions. The creature garbled grumpily and waved its arms around. It took North a moment to decipher the message. It seemed as though someone had set off a series of firecrackers, smoke bombs, and stinkbombs throughout the workshop, and that all the elves appeared to be hopped up on sugar, only adding to the utter chaos. "And you are telling me Pitch did all this?"
"Yerblag!" the yeti grumbled.
The Guardians all stared at each other for a moment as a single disquieting thought occurred to them all. What if it wasn't Pitch corrupting Jack they had to worry about? What if it was Jack who was being a bad influence on Pitch?
"OK, I admit This sounds promising."
"You ain't seen nothing yet."
But it was at Prank War part two that Pitch really started guffawing.
Pitch spurred the Nightmare through one of the doorways out of the workshop, the Guardians hot on his heels. "Now, Jack!" he cried.
"Jack?" Tooth repeated. The Guardians looked off to one side to see their pale companion smile and wave cheerily, then tap his staff on the ground. The ground below them turned to sheer ice. Sandy and Tooth, floating above the ground, didn't have any problems, but North and Bunnymund weren't so lucky. They both lost their footing and fell backwards onto the ice, as the momentum from their chase sent them sliding uncontrollably forwards. The ice they were on suddenly went into a dip and they found themselves zipping along a long, icy track full of bends, corkscrews, and even loop-the-loops.
"AAAAAHH!"
The track seemed to go on for ages, plunging into dizzying drops and nausea-inducing bends, before it suddenly tilted upwards and abruptly stopped. The two Guardians went flying off the ramp at top speeds and hurtled through the air.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Whump! They both landed in a soft pile of snow. The two holiday spirits lay half-buried in the snowdrift, groaning. "What happened?" North asked dazedly, as the world seemed to spin around him.
Pitch was suddenly standing over them, smirking. "That's a good look for you two. You should really be blindsided and knocked flat on your back more often."
Bunnymund growled. "Why was Jack helping you?"
Pitch's smirk widened into a nasty grin, and he leaned closer to the Guardian, eyes glittering with malice. "Maybe your dear boy has finally seen reason and decided to join me. Maybe humiliating you two is the first step we're going to take before blanketing the world in cold and dark," he hissed. A snowball suddenly smacked into the side of Pitch's head and he was sent sliding across the ice and ended up in an undignified heap in another snowbank. "Okay, fine. Maybe he just agreed because he thought it would be funny," Pitch added, his voice muffled by the snow.
"Ding ding ding! We have a winner," Jack landed near the others, followed by Sandy and Tooth. Sandy looked rather amused, Tooth a bit more concerned. Jack grinned, leaning on his staff. "Sorry, guys, it was too good to resist. You should've seen the look on your face, Bunny."
"Now that was a trap truly worthy of the Nightmare King." Pitch said, laughing.
"Hey, Jack helped you you know."
"As you say, meh. Frost probably got the idea from me."
"Braggard."
When Abby started reading the third part of the Prank Wars trilogy, she had to stop every few minutes to let out a squeak of laughter here or an amused chuckle there. It annoyed Pitch greatly.
"A shriek of rage echoed from deep within the dark cavern, and the Nightmare King emerged from his lair, his face twisted with anger and his eyes blazing with hatred as shadows rose from the ground all around him. The effect was, unfortunately, rather spoiled by the now brilliantly pink clothing that covered his body. "What have you done?!"
Jack just stared for an instant before bursting out laughing. "Pitch, you- ahahahaha! Oh my gosh! That- I- pffft!" he held up a hand to Bunnymund. "That is a masterpiece!"
The Easter Bunny high-fived Jack, chortling. "You should keep that outfit, Pitch. It looks great on ya."
Pitch snarled. "You'll pay for this, rabbit." The shadows wrapped around him and he was gone.
"Pink robes. Ha!"
"I don't find that funny." Pitch grumbled.
"Sandy's contribution to the war was somewhat more subtle. Pitch didn't realize until he had spent a few nights sure that he heard muffled laughter whenever he turned around to leave the room of a child he had spooked. He was certain he had gotten all of that blasted bunny's dye off of his robes… He twisted to peer at his back and caught a glimmer of golden sand. "What?"
A quickly fetched mirror gave him a better look at the glittering words written across his back. Even in reverse, they were easy to read: KICK ME.
"Oh, how mature, Sanderson." Pitch muttered, wiping away the dreamsand."
Abby laughed richly at that one. "My ultimate favorite!" she said.
"Oh ha ha he he, I'm dying." Pitch deadpanned.
"Jack was the one who first discovered Pitch's revenge on the silent Guardian, flying up to greet Sandy on his nightly rounds."Hey, Sandy, how're the dreams ton- whoa!" The small man had a clump of nightmare sand floating near front of his face, forming the shape of a large, ridiculous-looking black handlebar mustache.
Sandy looked at Jack in puzzlement, a question mark over his head.
"Um, you just have a little something here." Jack said, rubbing a hand over his own upper lip. When Sandy went to touch the black sand, it suddenly flowed away from his hand, reforming into a pair of bushy, glowering eyebrows. "Pfft-! Uh, yeah, you got it." Jack said, biting back a snicker.
It took almost a month before Sandy got rid of the thing, during which it also took the form of sideburns, large, dorky-looking glasses, an array of piercings, and a goatee. By the end of it, the Guardians were pretty sure that Sandy was aware of the thing's presence and was just enjoying the joke as much as the rest of them."
Pitch and Abby were laughing uproariously now. "You know," Pitch wheezed. "This might not be a bad idea!"
"You'd have to get Jack's help," Abby said.
"Meh." The Boogeyman said. Abby nearly squealed. He's using my word! "I can substitute."
"The best is yet to come." Abby warned and began reading again.
"Tooth had done her best to avoid the insanity that seemed to be gripping everyone else. She had more important things to worry about than having some kind of bizarre contest with Pitch. Oh, boys and their egos." Abby paused. "It is so true, sister."
Pitch didn't comment.
"Well, that was until she heard a frantic peeping noise from around the corner of one of her towers. Tooth gasped and sped towards the sound. If he's harmed any of my girls, Pitch is going to be losing more than just one tooth! Tooth thought angrily, and was unfortunately distracted enough to fly straight into the webbing that had been strung across one of the archways. The black stuff clung like glue to her, and she was stuck fast along with a handful of her mini-fairies, the ones that had been making the distressed noises. "Pitch! Let us go right now!"
"Oh, my, Toothiana. Didn't anyone teach you any manners?" Pitch was reclining in the black, silky strands nearby. "You're supposed to say please."
"Pitch, I'm serious!" Tooth snapped, thrashing against the webs.
"Ah. I really wouldn't do that, if I were you. You'll be bringing them down on you, with all this movement." Pitch said, his eyes flicking to something balanced on the top of the web.
Tooth froze for a moment, feeling a chill run down her back. No, Pitch wouldn't… She craned her head to look up, expecting to see something with far too many legs bearing down on her. Instead, there were a series of teetering buckets perched on the top of the webs, and the moment of her head was enough to send them tipping over. Gallons of water dumped over Tooth, soaking her to the skin.
Pitch howled with laughter. "Oh, the look on your face was priceless." he met Tooth's searing glare with a smirk. "Don't be like that, my dear. It was just a joke. Look, your little helpers are even dry. Aren't I considerate?" he snickered once more before fading into the shadows. The webs faded with him, releasing the dripping Guardian and her mini-fairies.
"Oh, it is on."
Everyone agreed never to speak of what Tooth did in return for that one. Pitch didn't come out of his lair for a week."
Both Pitch and Abby were howling with laughter, "This is great!" Pitch said. "I take back what I said. This is the most amusing story I've ever read!"
Abby smiled. "I'm sure Mira will be pleased to hear you say that."
Pitch didn't comment. "So, how far are we?" he asked.
"This makes thirteen. Twelve to go." Abby replied.
The first seven of the twelve went by quickly but with lots of laughing:
"He strode up to the prone Guardian and glared down at him, stroking the blade of his scythe. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't cut you open and take back my candy."
Jack flinched at the sound of Pitch's voice; he'd apparently been too focused on his gastrointestinal distress to notice the boogeyman before now. "Um… I'm already suffering enough? Also, it'd be really unsanitary." he winced and curled up tighter as another wave of cramps swamped him. "Owwww. Pitch, help."
Pitch crossed his arms, scythe dissolving back into sand. "I'm not sure what you expect me to do. You brought this upon yourself. Besides, I seem to recall promising to just sit back and watch you suffer next time you were in trouble."
"If… ergh… if you just leave me here I'm going to puke on everything you own."
"Oh boy, I can just imagine the look on your face if you found him for real. That's great!" Abby said.
"Yes, that was rather amusing." Pitch said.
"On to the next chapter! This one is. . . I can't remember the name."
"How original."
"You know, you keep helping out kids like that and people might start to think you actually like them or something." Jack said, swooping out of the sky to land nearby.
"Oh, but Jack, I love children," Pitch replied with a predatory grin, one that showed all of his teeth. "I just can't eat a whole one."
"Hmm. I suppose you do have to watch your figure. They'd have to be terribly fattening, wouldn't they?"
"You have no idea. Though if you're interested, I'm sure we could split the next one I find. I have this great recipe for barbeque sauce…"
Jack snorted and whacked the boogeyman on the arm. "Tempting though it may be, I think that eating kids is something that is frowned upon when you're a Guardian."
"How dreadfully restrictive. Next, you'll be telling me that you're not allowed to jaywalk either."
"I think cannibalism and jaywalking may be a bit far apart on the 'things that are wrong' spectrum."
"Are they? My, my, how complicated morality can be. I'm glad I don't have to worry about such a thing," Pitch drawled.
"I don't know about that. I think your allowance of unspeakably evil deeds is running out. If you jaywalk many more times, I might be forced to battle you, simply to stop the world from being consumed by darkness."
"I had no idea the fate of the world was teetering on whether or not I obeyed traffic laws. If the balance is that precarious, maybe I should try making a grab for power again."
"Oh, everyone would be doomed if not for one little thing that you seem to be forgetting…" Jack struck a pose, hands held out from his sides. "Me. I mean, I'm just that amazing. I'd be able to send you packing without breaking a sweat."
"So, the world's only protector is a scrawny teenager who squeals like a little girl when he gets tickled?" Pitch asked with a smirk.
Pitch sniggered.
"Hey, that was playing dirty, Pitch."
"I'm the bad guy, remember? Of course I go for the low blows. It's just a shame you grew up in a time period without cameras; just think of what I would have been able to accomplish with a couple of blackmail-worthy childhood photos."
"Oh, that's it, you're going down." Jack said, and launched himself at the boogeyman. Pitch only had an instant to widen his eyes in surprise before he was plowed into and driven to the ground. Then there was an icy arm wrapped under his jaw, putting him in a headlock. Jack was roughly rubbing the knuckles of his free hand over the boogeyman's scalp, mussing his hair beyond repair.
"Blast it, Frost! What are you doing?" Pitch growled, flailing.
"It's a noogie, Pitch. Now, take it like a man!"
"Never!" Pitch cried, dissolving into shadow. Jack fell onto the ground and for a moment everything was silent. Did he scare the boogeyman off? He looked around curiously. No sign of him. Weird. Jack got to his feet, and suddenly he was the one in the headlock as Pitch reappeared and grabbed him. He really should have gotten used to Pitch's vanishing acts by now, but he apparently hadn't, judging from the startled cry he made.
"Revenge!" Pitch cackled and noogied Jack mercilessly.
"Ow, hey, stoppit! The noogie was my idea, get your own." Jack protested.
"Make me."
"You asked for it." Jack said, producing a handful of snow and hurling it into Pitch's face.
The boogeyman growled and sputtered, releasing the boy to wipe the ice out of his eyes. "You'll pay for that, Frost!"
"You'll have to catch me first!" Jack laughed as he leaped into the air and sped off.
Abby was cackling and Pitch was chortling.
"I'll admit, that was pretty good." he said.
"Yeah. Another of my favorite chapters!"
"You do seem to have a lot." Pitch said.
"Yep! On to the next one!"
"One young couple was making their way down a pathway and happened to have the misfortune to gain the attention of both of the immortals. Sandy watched, unnoticed, as Jack and Pitch smirked at each other and crept up on the couple.
The woman was clinging to the man's arm, looking pale and nervous. The man smiled and squeezed her shoulder comfortingly. "Don't be scared, sweetie. It was only a movie. Besides, I'm here to protect you…"
That was as far as he got before they were swooped down upon. All the streetlights in a twenty-foot radius suddenly went dark as Jack created a patch of ice right where the woman stepped next. She let out an involuntary yelp as her foot went out from under her and she flailed to keep her balance. The man screamed (in a rather high-pitched tone, too) and bolted, leaving his partner behind.
The lights came back on, shining down on a severely unimpressed-looking woman with folded arms. "Here to protect me, huh?!" she hollered at the fleeing figure.
"Ha! I bet we ruined THAT relationship," Pitch snorted.
"Yeah, no doubt."
The next chapter made Pitch groan and Abby squeal with laughter.
"I knew it!" She crowed. "I knew they'd add these two! YES YES YES!"
Pitch buried his face in his hands.
"Jack was hovering near the entrance, looking flustered. There was a dusting of frost covering his cheeks, odd. "Pitch, I, uh, I'm sorry, but I can't say I feel the same way," he stammered, holding his staff across his chest defensively.
Pitch stared at him. "…The same way about what?"
"Uh… This?" he held up a bouquet of jet-black roses, tied with a velvet ribbon. There was a card nestled among them.
"Give me that." Pitch snatched the flowers out of Jack's hand and pulled out the card, high-grade black stationary with gold-embossed lettering. He scanned it. "…My light in the darkness? Is that supposed to be a term of endearment? I hate light."
"So… they aren't from you?" Relief was evident in Jack's voice.
Pitch snorted. "I like to think that I have better tastes than that, Jack. You've been had. Where did you get these from, anyway?"
"They were on my lake."
"And you jumped to conclusions. My, something about this holiday just makes twits of everyone, doesn't it?" Pitch shrugged and flicked the card back at Jack. "Well, I suppose it is signed… Not my writing, though. Actually, it looks quite similar to a certain Guardian… He's quite an accomplished gardener, I believe. Leaves flowers everywhere, doesn't he?"
Jack's eyes narrowed, and he crumpled the card in his hand. "Bunnymund. Payback for the pranks from before, I guess. Oh, he is going to get it!" he looked at Pitch. "We will never speak of this again, agreed?"
Pitch smirked. "Of course. I wouldn't dream of using this against you, Jack."
Jack groaned and dragged his hand down his face. "…I'll deal with that when it happens. Right now I have a rabbit to kill."
"You're joking," Pitch groaned into his hands, earning another laugh from Abby.
"I thought you hated Oogie Boogie."
"I do." Pitch said. "Anyway, this is the most ridiculous chapter by far! Why on earth-!"
"It's freaking funny Pitch, THAT'S WHY!"
Pitch rolled his eyes. "Why must it always be me?" he asked the empty room. "Always me! Never do you laugh at anyone else's expense!"
"Pitch, you're not on a network television." Abby sniggered. "No need to be any more dramatic than you already are. Anyway, if you think this one was bad, you ain't seen nothing yet."
Pitch felt an overwhelming urge to go hide somewhere, very very far away.
"Jack had just left when Pitch got a wonderful, awful idea. Jack wouldn't really kill the Easter Bunny, sadly. And Bunnymund was of course expecting anger and embarrassment, and why should that overgrown hare get anything he wanted? No, it would be so much better to turn the tables on him…
Besides, it was Valentine's Day. He should really act in the spirit of the holiday. Pitch smiled and slipped off into the shadows.
Pitch's eyes widened. "Why do I not like where this is going?"
Abby sniggered. "Trust me, you won't."
"Jack landed near one of the entry tunnels to the Warren, frost sparking in the air around him. "Bunnymund!" he yelled. "Get your cotton tail up here right now!"
The Easter Bunny hopped out of the hole, smirking. "What'sa matter, mate? Was Valentine's a bit too eventful for you this year?"
"Look here, you furry little-" Jack started into his rant.
"We really can't thank you enough," Pitch cut in, materializing directly behind Jack. The two Guardians jumped at the sudden appearance of the boogeyman. "I mean, who would have thought the two of us were just too shy to make the first move?" he purred, lightly tracing a finger down Jack's arm. Jack pulled away from the touch, giving Pitch a questioning look, but the boogeyman was too occupied watching the Easter Bunny's reaction.
Pitch made a loud and not altogether fake gagging sound. "Ulg! That's-! UGH!"
Abby sniggered. "It gets worse."
"The look of abject horror on Bunnymund's face was just too delicious; Pitch almost lost the battle to hold in his laughter at the sight of it. It was difficult, but he managed to keep his beatific smile steady.
"Pitch, what're you-" Jack began.
"Oh, you aren't being bashful now, are you, my snowflake?" Pitch asked, cocking his head to one side and grinning widely at the winter spirit. "I mean, after that last meeting in my lair, I don't think either of us can deny the connection any more."
Pitch could see realization dawn on Jack as a grin to match his own spread over the boy's face. "I suppose you're right, my… dark angel," he said. Pitch had to bite back another wave of laughter. Jack's pet names could use some work.
Bunnymund finally snapped out of the shock that had frozen him. "What? You… you're not serious, are ya?"
Pitch made very loud retching sounds. "Oh please, STOP!" he moaned.
"Nope! Too late now!"
"Oh, but we're very serious. And we have you to thank for bringing us together in such a romantic way," Pitch looked sidelong at the rabbit as he produced the black bouquet and toyed with the ribbon. "It was terribly sweet of you. Surely it means you approve of the two of us, right?"
Bunnymund growled. "Not blooming likely, ya whacker. It was a joke! Don't you dare touch Jack!"
"Jeez, Bunny, when did you become my dad?" Jack asked, leaning on his staff.
"Jack, mate, this can't be right. Cupid musta got you with a stray arrow or something, you gotta stop!" Bunnymund pleaded.
Pitch sneered at the Easter Bunny. "Oh, is this making you uncomfortable? I intend to do more than touch, rabbit." he got down on one knee, facing Jack with his back to Bunnymund. "Jack, will you…" Taking a page out of the sandman's book, he used his nightmare sand to form the rest of the message: pummel Bunnymund with snowballs?
Pitch stopped gagging. "Say that again?"
Abby laughed. "Jack, will you…" Taking a page out of the sandman's book, he used his nightmare sand to form the rest of the message: pummel Bunnymund with snowballs?
Jack laughed. "I'd like nothing better."
"Jack, no!" Bunnymund cried. His terror-struck expression was wiped off his face by a snowball smacking him right between the eyes. A flurry of them followed immediately afterwards, sending him reeling backwards, right back into the tunnel. He fell down it with a yelp.
"Next time, you might want to pick a prank that doesn't have the potential to backfire so spectacularly," Pitch called down the tunnel with a cackle. "Oh, but don't worry, I have no interest in whisking Jack away! Consider this payback for putting my name on that ridiculous bouquet!"
"You son of a... Rack off!" Bunnymund yelled back.
Jack clutched his sides, shaking. "That was great. Though…" he wiped tears of laughter out of his eyes. "Explaining this to the other Guardians is bound to be a little awkward."
"Psh, I doubt the rabbit will be eager to share this little misadventure with the others anytime soon. You should be fine."
By now Pitch was laughing, and this wasn't like his previous laughs. Those had been restrained and controlled. Now, he was all-out snorting, giggling, and making sounds that Abby would not have expected from the boogeyman.
"Oh, oh, oh, heheheheheheh hahahahahahahaha!" Pitch cackled. "That was fantastic! Absolutely brilliant!"
Abby couldn't help it. She began to laugh at the Boogeyman's reaction. "Even the part where-"
"Z- zip it!" Pitch said through his laughter. "Just sh-shut up Abby!"
Abby laughed again. "He he he he he he he he he he." This is so freaking funny. I'm gonna post this the minute we're done with the email!
"Ok," Pitch said, wiping his eyes after a few more minutes of laughter. "I'm fine. You can start again."
Abby nodded and scrolled down, keeping a wide smile plastered on her lips. "YAYZUMSAUCE!" She squealed. "Here's my favorite chapter, FINALLY!"
Pitch rolled his eyes for the umpteenth time and crossed his arms in the familiar moody teenager form. Thank Darkness. They were almost done.
"Jack was just passing through one town when, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a tall black shadow slip through one of the windows he was flying past. Jack came to a stuttering stop and whipped back around. Sure enough, there was Pitch, standing in a bathtub and tugging the shower curtain across to hide himself.
"Hey, what are you doing, lurking in someone's bathroom? Being a creeper?" Jack asked, leaning on the windowsill.
"I don't know if someone who's peering into a bathroom through the window is one to talk, Jack. Besides, this is a normal enough place for me; people worry about something lurking behind the shower curtains almost as much as they do things under beds or in closets."
"I'll have you know, Pitch," Abby interjected, cutting herself off. "That as a result of this chapter I've developed a habit of punching my shower curtain every time I go to the bathroom!"
Pitch raised an eyebrow. "What do you think I am?" he demanded. "Some kind of creep?"
Abby shrugged. "Partially. Still, I blame you."
Pitch rolled his eyes. "Just keep reading, if you please."
"Now, hush. This is one of my favorite games."
"Games?" Jack repeated, before he heard voices of several girls coming from outside of the room.
"Come on, Stacey, it's your turn. You gotta do it."
"Yeah, you're not a chicken or anything, are you?"
"No, it's just… I…"
"Don't be lame. Go on."
A preteen girl stepped through the doorway, chewing her lower lip. After a moment's hesitation and a pleading look shot through to whoever was standing outside, she closed the door. Facing the mirror, her back to Pitch and Jack, she flicked off the light.
"Bloody M-mary," she whispered. The girl looked terrified. Jack could see Pitch's smile widen.
"You're not gonna jump out at her, are you? She's already really scared," Jack hissed.
"I know what I'm doing, Jack. Don't you trust me?" the boogeyman asked, grinning.
"Of course not," Jack replied with a snort.
"B-bloody Mary," the girl whispered again, unable to hear the conversation going on behind her.
"Clever boy. But I can't have you interfere." Pitch flicked his hand and shadows silently shut the window, flipping the latch and trapping Jack on the outside of the house. "Just sit tight."
"Bloody… Mary!" the girl whimpered a third time, flinching away from the mirror and squeezing her eyes shut. After a moment, she peeked out again. Nothing. She sighed with relief and flicked the lights back on. It was only when she opened the door did Pitch act, slipping out from behind the curtain and flinging a fistful of nightmare sand through the doorway.
There was suddenly a flurry of screams and shrieks from the other girls. "Stacey, y-your eyes!"
"Bloody Mary got Stacey!"
"She'll get us too now!"
Jack heard the girls scramble away, screaming for their parents. Stacey just stood in the doorway, looking confused. Pitch threw back his head and cackled gleefully before fading into the shadows to reappear on the windowsill near Jack, looking contented.
"…That was actually pretty nice of you, Pitch," Jack said.
"Nice? So terrifying children is nice now, is it?" Pitch asked, leaning against the building. "It was simply more efficient, Jack. This way, I get to feed on the terror of four girls, instead of just one."
"Suuuure, Pitch. Whatever you say," Jack replied.
Pitch, despite his irritation at Abby for reading the previous chapters, had to chuckle. "OK, that was pretty good." he admitted.
The next one sent Pitch laughing again. Abby was getting a little worried about the Boogeyman's sanity. Surely he hadn't ever laughed this much? It was an un-Boogeyman-like thing to do, after all.
"Jack, there are myths about vampires that are identifiable because of their backwards feet. Others have necks that can stretch out meters long, or consist of nothing more than a floating head and a bunch of trailing internal organs. There's even one bloodsucker that is a human head with bird's talons that flies around using its massive ears like wings. And that's not to mention the vampire squash and pumpkins of the Balkans. Do you really think that sparkling is the most ridiculous trait that can be applied to vampires?" Pitch repeated, laughing. "That was my favorite! My absolute favorite."
Abby smiled. Hey, at least he wasn't screaming and throwing things. By her count, there were four chapters left.
"Pitch!" Jack whirled, leveling his staff at the boogeyman, standing protectively between the cage and where Pitch had emerged from. "Why are these kids in a cage?!"
"Because when they were free to wander about one of them almost fell off of a cliff," Pitch answered, seemingly unperturbed by Jack's aggression.
"Sensible way to deal with children."
"Oh, man, you are awful at this!" Jack laughed as he sniped Pitch's character for the fifth time.
The boogeyman snarled, ferociously mashing buttons. "It's hardly my fault! This device is completely unintuitive! And this person lacks teleportation abilities! I've never had to deal with strategizing under these conditions!"
"You big baby. You don't hear me whining about how my character can't fly, do you?" Jack taunted.
Abby sniggered. "I do enjoy this kind of thing," she said.
"I'm so glad." Pitch said sarcastically.
"How can these things even move? They don't have any feet!" Jack yelled exasperatedly as the two of them rushed through town to try to corral the rapidly-growing number of zombie snowmen.
"I don't know! I blame your influence, you're always doing nonsensical things with snow and ice. Like skating in bare feet, how does that even work?" Pitch snapped.
"Yeah, because phasing through shadows is oh so rational, right?"
"But they're not teleporting, thank the darkness! Look, there's one, blast it!"
"Calvin and Hobbes." both Abby and Pitch said at once.
"Oh, now you're going to tell me you read Calvin and Hobbes?" Abby said, raising her eyebrow. "Boy, we're more alike than I thought."
"I've read it, on occasion." Pitch admitted.
"The darkness wrapped around the both of them and Jack abruptly found himself in an unfamiliar and dimly-lit area. "Where are we?"
Pitch's smile gleamed in the darkness. "A zoo. The insect exhibit, to be precise. And the reptile exhibit is right that way. I've always loved this layout, so many things that people get unsettled about in one place."
Jack uneasily shifted away from the wall of glass enclosures he could now make out as his vision adjusted to the darkness. "…Okay, and why are we here?"
"Because I've always wanted to do this!" Pitch cackled gleefully and raised his hands, shadows springing up all around them. A tendril of nightmare sand slipped through each lock and the cages sprang open, one after another. "Be free my pretties!"
"'Be free, my pretties?' Pitch repeated."I would've gone with, fly my pretties, fly."
"THAT'S THAT I SAID!" Abby said, laughing.
"Next."
"Jack landed on the roof of the rink just as a shadow poured out of the ventilation duct and coalesced into the shape of the boogeyman. Pitch was looking far too pleased with himself.
"Jeez, I have a bit of a down day, mention a skating rink, and the next thing I find out you've decided to haunt the whole place? Really?" Jack asked.
"Maybe it was just a whim," Pitch replied with a shrug. "I can have fun if I want to, and this was a lot of fun. I've forgotten how much I enjoy a good old-fashioned haunting."
"Oh boy, that takes me back" Pitch said, rubbing his hands together. "I remember the days when all I did was go around, doing old-fashioned haunting. It was so much fun!"
Abby smirked. "Sounds like a nice way to pass the time."
"Oh, it was."
When they reached the end of the last chapter, Abby smiled.
"Hey Pitch?"
"Hm?"
"That was just the first story. We've still got three to go."
"Oh darkness."