Fact: Wandering through the desert of the Southern Earth Kingdoms is lonely, even with Akane to talk to at night. I walk with my chin up, my hands herb-stained, steps as steady as a drumbeat.
Fact: I walk into towns with my hat tilted low over my eyes. People see the easy way I talk with their own healers, the way I sit down with them and talk about their food troubles, the way the dirt of their beaten down yards and desecrated gardens is suddenly loose and ready for planting after I've stayed the night. I tell them to plant in the forest, off the trails and on the other side of ridges so the gardens are hard to find. They see the carved Wu Tao's dragon tooth I wear, the symbol of a healer. They don't need to see my brown eyes. I need them to not see my brown eyes.
Fact: I know that I'm not responsible for anything the Fire Nation does. I wasn't born when the whole conquering the world thing started, and even after that, I'm a common colony brat who skipped years of school, it's not like anyone would listen to me. (Akane would. Akane's family has been devoted to making life better for the people that the Fire Nation has wronged. (Akane's family didn't help when the Southern Air Temple burned. They couldn't, but sometimes all I can think about is that they didn't.)) I feel guilty anyways.
Memory: (I weave through the empty streets, going from house to house, from garden to garden, a lantern turned as low as it can get swinging gently from my hand. It's the same wherever I go - the Colonies or the Earth Kingdoms - all the gardens are ruined by soldiers from one side or the other - taken at harvest time or trampled "so the other side won't take it".
I know that even this won't help much. The next patrol will probably undo all of my hard work, but I have to try.)
Fact: The villagers are always kind. Even when all I do is bring medicine from far away or stay the day to gather herbs for an elderly healer, someone always offers me free food, and someone always offers me a bed or floor space inside for me to roll out my bedroll. Other than the whole existential loneliness of the whole thing after a life of being surrounded by people, it's not too bad. I'm getting to travel, and while I tend to see the less glamorous towns and villages as a doctor, people are glad to see me.
Fact: They're not only glad to see me as a doctor, but as a bringer of news. I find myself with letters to stuff into my cabinet at every village, town leaders hunting me down so I can tell them about the nearby villages over dinner. At some point before I leave, I always find myself steered to the local healer's house. There, I'm asked about who I saw on the path in, asked about any signs of patrols. In return, I'm sent off with my stock of herbs restored and information on the best way to reach the next village.
Fact: I ask about the system. It's a very practiced system - and a very consistent one. At first I'm not sure if there is even a system - giving information to the leader is after all what most visitors should do in the smaller villages I find myself passing through, and as a doctor, it's only natural for me to talk to the local healers. But it keeps happening, and it keeps happening constantly and consistently in a way that can't just be coincidence.
Memory: ("What's all this?" I ask, gesturing with a piece of slightly stale bread.
Lin Ming's head tilts. "I'm not sure what you mean. If you're talking about the sausages, the reason I have so many is because I make them."
"Not that." I lean back. "The . . ." I hesitate, searching for the right word. "The whole - the whole system you have set up to squeeze information out of visitors. And not just you, but every village along the coast. Why do you have it? Who taught all of you?"
Lin Ming watches me with a inscrutable expression. "The Fire Nation didn't start out with killing off the Air Nomads. Almost forty years before the war they tried to set up colonies. No one knows why they withdrew or why they started again, twenty five year later. But when they killed the Air Nomads, someone figured they wouldn't stop. So they taught us to protect ourselves."
That's all I learned that day.)
Fact: I picked up more bits and pieces of the story as I followed the coast down. A hundred years ago, a healer went from village to village. They talked with the leaders and the healers and the elders about the attacks on the Fire Nation. Someone thought about the normal people in advance and made steps to protect them from what must have been a distant threat at the time.
Fact: I know the Fire Nation isn't perfect. I know it like children traded for money, like steps that falter, like a bender that won't bend. But I still remember going to school, still remember when we were stretching every penny and they stretched just enough. I remember thinking that we were just unlucky, that if we truly needed help, it would be given. I remember having hope that my people weren't monsters.
Fact: It was lonely, but at least I had Akane. I had Akane. One day she just . . . didn't show up. She was back the next day, all apologetic, but . . . it isn't hard, as she trips over her lies, to figure out what happened. She discovered that when we fall asleep affects when we dream. And in another week she's gone again. And maybe she comes back, but I don't have her. And if that's what she wants . . . I make sure it's fully night before I go to sleep.
Memory: (Sunset dyes the horizon a beautiful brilliant orange and the clouds are streaks of pink. My lips thin as I watch the shadows around me me creep longer and longer. It's the sort of sunset I used to commit to memory to show Akane. Now it's just the indication that I won't see her.
I turn back to the glass bottles of herbs I have spread out in front of me. I glance at my notebook again, tilting it so I can check when I last gathered whichever herb. I rifle through the pages to check the expiration date and glance at the bottles themselves as I note down what I need more of.)
Fact: I'm in Zhou, as far south as you can get while still on the mainland, walking along the water, and trying to place a feeling. I'm between villages and it's getting late so I'll probably have to camp out, and even though I've walked beaches on occasion from Kaiyuan to here, none of them felt familiar, felt like home, felt like Nishiyama. They wouldn't. Nishiyama is an inland town. I glance around, and it hits me like the glare of the the setting sun off a dog's eyes in the bushes across from me. Okuri-inu. It feels like I'm being watched by okuri-inu.
Fact: Okuri-inu are nothing new. I've seen them or felt their hungry eyes on me so many times while I was in the forest collecting herbs for Tu the doctor that no trip felt complete without eyes following me out of the forest. The first few times I'd been scared out of my mind and watching my every step. Time taught me confidence though, and as I kept trekking through the same patch of woods, the eyes on my back seemed less angry, less ravenous. I almost forgot that they were out to eat me.
Memory: (It's late enough now that I don't mind setting down for the night. I find a good spot a bit inland to set down my medicine cabinet, and I roll my shoulders, rubbing at the sore muscles. I collect firewood. I don't have to go too far, I just need enough to boil water for my tea because I'm not planning on eating anything more complicated than another mountain cake. The eyes follow me.
I boil water in my beat up old kettle, and I reuse my oolong tea leaves yet again, and the eyes watch me.
Dark has fallen and luminous eyes stare at me from the bush across the clearing as I banks the fire and walk around with a torch to make sure everything's ready for me to settle down. Then I pull out my bedroll and my workbook and I settle down against a tree trunk, the torch thrust into the ground so I have light to work.
(I've been compiling lists of uses for herbs from all of the villages I passed through. Tu the doctor and Chao the doctor were definitely diligent about teaching me, but they couldn't have known everything, and if I manage to compile a large enough database, I might be able to figure out more about what herbs to use and when.)
The sound of something scraping on the ground pull my attention from my book, and I glance up to see a dog (Not a foxdog, not a beardog, not a squirreldog, not even a Komainu liondog like I've heard you can sometimes find outside temples, lounging next to their carved counterparts. It's just a dog) with my food sack in their jaws.
I shoot to my feet, sending my book toppling, half a thought spared to be glad I hadn't written anything in awhile. "That's mine!"
The dog looks up at me with liquid eyes like I'd kicked them, then unrepentantly drags the bag a step further.
I lunge forwards, nearly tripping over the end of my bed roll, and just manage to grab a part of the bag as the dog turns to run. "It's mine!" I tell the dog again, shaking the bag slightly for emphasis. "And I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to buy more, so you can't have it!"
The dog tugs experimentally again, then whimpers and kind of melts into a puddle when I only firm my grip. They look up at me with their head on their paws as I stand up, but I ignore them. I sigh as I glance down at the bag in my hands. I'd forgotten to tie it up. If the dog hadn't reminded me, I might have woken to a torn bag and no mountain cakes.
I take a mountain cake out and tuck it in my pocket as I walk. Across from where I'm sleeping. There, I untie the cord and weight the rock at the end carefully as I look up into the shadows, trying to pick out a good branch. I find one after a couple of moments and toss the rock over, then pull the end until the bag is swinging above my head and I can tie it to the next tree over.
Then I walk back to the dog where they had settled close to the banked fire. Their ears perk up as they watch me approach, and when I kneel down in front of them, their head comes up off their paws. "Here. Thank you for reminding my to put my bag up."
They glance between my face and the mountain cake several times, then they carefully lean forwards to take the cake from me with their teeth. I watch them for a long moment, leaning back to sit on my heels as they set the cake down between their paws, then start to nibble at it. Then I stand and return to my bedroll. I carefully cap my ink and smooth out the pages of my book before I put everything away. The torch gets upended and rolled in the dirt. I take off my shoes and get into my bedroll.)
Fact: The dog is there in the morning, and they follow me to the town. And maybe I'm just angry at Akane, but when I'm asked who they are, I raise my chin and say, "My companion." I haven't even known them for a full day, but dogs are supposed to be loyal and spirits are supposed to repay debts, and maybe a mountain cake's not much, but it's something. I'm something. And maybe it isn't wise for humans to deal with spirits - we don't understand them and they don't understand us - but I'm angry and maybe a little lonely and maybe a little desperate. Maybe if I keep feeding them, they'll keep staying. I ask for a lesson from the hunters before I leave. I learn about little snare that I can set up to catch things overnight and how to skin an animal.
Fact: In the light of day, I can see the dog's ribs under their fur. They stay with me, though they refuse to take any of my mountain cakes after that first night, even when my snares don't catch anything. They sleep next to me at night. I sell or trade with the furs to the tanner and the bones to housewives when I get to town. The new source of income makes something that had been curled tight like fist relax. I don't feel like I'm cheating them out of their food anymore, or like I'm taking charity or like I'm holding their healing in exchange for food.
Fact: I'm writing in my notebook, two weeks after we met, when their ears perk up. Well, that's not unusual, but this time when they raise their head from their paws, they don't put it back down. I notice this after a couple moments, and I set my book to the side, making one of their ears flicker.
Memory: (Before I can ask what's wrong, I catch the staccato sound of sandals on the path that leads past the clearing. I watch with sharp eyes as little puffs of dust appear along the path, leading right up to the dog. The dog lets out a sharp bark, and the sandals tap in place for a minute before stopping. The dog lets out another bark and the sandals dart back to the path.
The dog turns to me, then settles their weight against my legs a bit more heavily. I blink at them. And . . . I knew that they were a spirit. They have to be - only spirits have animals that are just one animal - like kitsune or tanuki. But this is really the first time I've seen them do anything overtly spirit-like.
Then I turn back to my work book because I did know they were a spirit and revelations can't last forever when you're trying to save the world, or at least revolutionize medicine.
I manage to get some more work done when another shift in the dog's weight against my leg catches my attention. Their ears are standing at attention, and their eyes are focused once more on something I can't see on the path. I follow their gaze for a moment - and a glint of light flutters out from behind the tree trunks. The little ball of fire dipps drunkenly before drifting forwards again, and it's quickly followed by another blue ball of fire that dances around it in circles.
More onibi follow the first two, following the path. Some drift by, holding themselves steady in an almost stately manner, while other bob and weave ache chase each other around like children. Then, as I'm setting my work book aside, heavy footsteps sound on the path. Through the trees, I catch brief glimpses of blue skin, illuminated by more onibi, before the oni steps into the clearing. He moves slowly, swinging his iron club next to his leg. His wild black hair shifts as he turns to look at me, and he laughs.
The low level growl the dog had been letting off since the footsteps started abruptly gets louder as the dog darts to their feet between us.
The oni's gaze shifts to the dog and he laughs again, before waving a hand and saying something. His voice is like a crackle of fire or the rumble of a mudslide, but the dog must have understood what they said because they throw themselves against my legs again, though the rumble of their chest against my shin doesn't go away until the oni has disappeared back into the trees.
And on the trail, more spirits walk. There are Kage Onna, their shadows impossibly dark against the silvery moonlight and the orange and blue of the onibi; Iso Onna And Nure Onna with their blurry legs and serpentine lower halves respectively, who are chatting; a Akaneme, its greasy hair covering its eyes as it sullenly licks an ancient, moldy sandal; and a pair of Bakezori running around their feet. A baku plods along, its elephant trunk hanging low; a huge Peng flies overhead; and a red-haired Shojo and a huge, moss covered Yeren walk and talk, the three-legged Sanzuwu on the Yeren's staff occasionally fluttering their wings for balance.
Betobeto, like the first one that tapped in front of the dog, are some of the most common spirits here, rushing up and down the path in sandals and boots and even bare feet, sending the onibi swirling in their wake.)
Fact: The dog remains between me and the spirits the whole time, sometimes growling or snapping at spirits that look our way for too long. I watch the spirits in awe for the most part, though I occasionally glance up at the sky to judge the time. I managed to avoid Akane for two weeks (not that it was hard), but if seeing her is the price for watching a spirit parade, I can hide in the dreamscape.
Fact: When I finally fall asleep, somewhere between the last onibi and the sunrise, Akane isn't there. She wasn't there all day, and I wake up late in the afternoon gasping, my heart pounding, and scared because - What if she was right? What if Akane was right? What if we really are drifting apart? I know - I know that she just said that so I'd stop worrying as she slept during the day - but what if she was right? What if dreaming apart for a while is all it took for her words to be real? I know that we still have the same mindscape because I'm not the one making the little houses I keep finding lying around, but what if we can't see each other when we dream anymore?
Fact: I bury my face in the dog's fur, and they make worried noises, twisting oddly to stick their nose in my neck as I cry. I sob, and I gasp, and my when my nose starts running, I pull back to bury my face in a handkerchief, and just because I'm angry with her doesn't mean I want to never see her again! By the time my tears stop, my face is red, my eyes hurt, my nose feels raw, and I feel almost empty of emotion. "I'm okay," I tell the dog, even though it's a little bit of a complete and total lie and we both know it.
Fact: We don't make it to the next town, but that's alright, I honestly hadn't wanted to. I try to go to sleep around sundown, I maybe cry a little more, and I lay sleepless for most of the night. Akane's not there, even though I wake up at noon. I cry a little more, I get up, I keep walking. I keep a hand on the dog's back, almost scared that they'll leave me too. We reach the town, and I follow the villagers as they lead me gently through the system. I am distracted, but no one mentions it until I'm seated across from the village leader and her husband.
Memory: (It takes me a long moment to realize that Izumi had spoken to me, and a moment more to tear myself out of my musings on her and the village.
(Izumi. It's a Fire name, or at least it would have been if it didn't mean fountain. And then there's the fact that Izumi is the leader of this village, and not her husband Kaito. Kaito's a Fire name too. It means sea or ocean.)
(The breeze smells like sea salt.)
I shake my head. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Could you repeat your question?"
"I was asking why you're so distracted," Izumi says.
The dog's head pushes up against my hand when I drop it, and I manage a thin smile. "I lost contact with someone I care about recently, and I'm worried about her."
"Ah, would you like to to not talk to you?" she asks, and I blink at her bluntness.
"No. No, I'll be fine.")
Fact: That night, when I finally get to sleep, Akane's there. I show up behind her, and for a long moment I just stare at her. Then she turns, and she sees me. She just stares at me for a moment too, before she leaps at me to throw her arms around my neck. She says my name over and over, crying on my shoulder. She's different. She's still all chin up, eyes dancing, always moving, but it's like in the two weeks we were apart, something important happened and some great weight was lifted off of her shoulders.
Fact: It's been two weeks, and I've missed her the whole time. I don't understand why I can't stand her touch right now. Her arms around me feel like the ropes the manager sometimes forced me to accept when he decided that I needed a handicap. Her words in my ears are the roaring of the crowd calling for blood, mine or my opponent's, they don't care. Her breath and tears on my neck feel like a rash of poison ivyoak. It takes everything I have to not pull away, to just stand in her embrace like an inanimate object for minutes as she talks.
Fact: She eventually trails off and draws back, and I don't know if it's because she ran out of things to say or if she'd finally realized I wasn't responding. We stand there for a while, her hands still on my shoulders, staring at each other. Akane searches my eyes like she's trying to find something, like she already found something she didn't expect and is trying to convince herself she made a mistake.
Memory: ("Are you alright?" she asks carefully.
I don't want to answer that. I nod, and I want the dog to be there. I want to bury my fingers in their fur. I want to bury my face in their fur and just let the rest of the world fall away.
"I found another airbender," she says tentatively as she sits, tugging my hand so I'll follow her example.
I take a deep breath. I paste on a smile. "That's awesome, Akane!"
She lights up. "Oh! And I found Nuan too!"
Of course you did. Of course you managed to do everything you wanted to when you cut all contact with me. "How is he?"
Akane gives me a brilliant smile, and she tells me about Nuan, and the airbender she found, and the earthbender and the spirits damned missing Fire Prince Zuko. It all sounds a lot like a spirit tale, with spirit debts and a tanuki and all.)
Fact: I'm already crying when I wake up, and I dig blindly through my pocket for the handkerchief that's been seeing a lot of use recently. Then I bury my face in the dog's fur and just try to block out the world. I don't even know why I'm crying! Wasn't I just panicking at the thought of never seeing Akane again? I got my wish; Akane's back, and she's happier than she was before!
Fact: Eventually though, the outside world intrudes. Izumi knock, and I go eat breakfast, and I make my rounds, and I talk to the local healer, and I stay another night. The dog trails behind my the whole time, sometimes playing with children while I'm asking after symptoms or helping someone transplant an herb they'll need a lot of from the nearby forest to their garden, sometimes following right at my heel as I walk to my next house or just sit and think.
Fact: I'm not ready to meet Akane again. I'm really not. But, I'm too tired to stay up all night again. I go to sleep. Akane is just as excited as she was last night. She talks about the airbender she met - Samir, his name is Samir - and about what she's learning from him - it matters which of the two Great Air Spirits you worship - and about Samir's earthbender friend Toph who is teaching Nuan how to bend better and seems to be good at explaining things, and -
Memory: ("Akane - Akane, stop. Please, stop."
"Are you alright?" Akane asks, reaching for me, and I flinch back. I stutter in place for a moment before I stand up, trying to make the movement look natural, trying to make it look like I was going to stand the entire time. It's a half-hearted effort at best. I don't believe it, and I don't think Akane does either as she follows me up.
"I'm fine." I turn and pace, trying to put some distance between us. "I've just - I've been feeling off lately, and I think I just need some time to adjust."
I'm even telling the truth. I was lonely when she was gone. I can't stand her now that she's back, but if we go back to dreaming separately, I'm sure I'll miss her just as bitterly as I did when she first left. I haven't had any time to think. The entire time she's been back, I've been in the village, helping, and the brief moments I had to myself weren't enough for me to think. I'm not complaining about helping people, but I haven't had time to think, and that's not good. I need to figure out why I feel this way.
"I just need a little time, alright? Just, can we just sit together quietly? Please.")
Fact: I don't manage to figure it all out that night, though I do eventually fall asleep within the dreamscape with my head on Akane's shoulder, but I do pin some things down. The worst part, when I think of it, is that Akane's actually trying to help me. When she hints that Toph might be able to to teach me something, she's not trying to imply that my earthbending - which I have worked on for years, which was good enough to keep me alive in the Earth Rumbles - isn't good enough. She's not disregarding my vow to first do no harm.
Fact: Akane was trying to help me learn more about earthbending, to help me learn more styles, to have fun with my element, like she's no doubt doing with Samir. The worst part is that she was still thinking of what I would want, even after she cut contact, and all I did was try to replace her.
Fact: Izumi must have noticed my mood when I woke up because no one tries to talk to me over breakfast. They talk around me, to each other, and even to the dog occasionally, but I am left to my silence. As I'm going out the door, with my medicine cabinet squarely on my back, Izumi stops me.
Memory: ("Be careful out there. We've gotten reports recently of Fire Nation soldiers roaming the countryside. Yaling, a couple of villages over says she heard that they're supposed to be guarding the caravans of goods that the Fire Nation is buying at Gaoling. Apparently there's been a group of bandits that have been stopping them from ah - collecting taxes, but you should be careful."
I blink at her, then duck my head, hiding my eyes. "Thank you, but I'll be fine.")
Fact: I actually do end up coming across a patrol, and I do end up rescued by the bandits. The five bandits. Two earthbending, one firebending, two nonbending but moving in a suspiciously familiar way bandits. I recognize the one two of feet on the ground, the twist and shove of the throw I taught Akane. I recognize the three-four that sends some of the rocks flying, part of a longer dance, but still recognizable as the way I showed Nuan how to send pebbles flying.
Fact: The fight doesn't last long. Despite the fact that two of the fighters are suspiciously child-sized, the patrol is scattered in a minute, taking with them none of the money I didn't have, a couple suggestions for tea to help their headaches, and their unconscious comrades. Some of them send me worried glances, no doubt worried for the defenseless Fire citizen they left in the middle of a bunch of Earth bandits, but they leave me behind anyways. They have their own problems.
Fact: As the group approaches, there's a hesitation to Akane's and Nuan's steps that lets them drift to the back of the group as the group approaches me. The firebender takes a step forwards to stand in front of the rest of the group as they stop in front of me. The dog leans into my leg and I dig my fingers into its fur.
Memory: ("Are you alright?" There's genuine concern in his voice, but the words have the rhythm of routine.
I glance past him for a moment, and-
"Akane, what are you doing here?" Nuan asks.
"What's it look like I'm doing?" I demand.
"It looks like you're trying to get yourself killed! You're a Fire Healer in the middle of the Earth Kingdom, and you can't protect yourself anymore with that vow you took-"
"Well, what did you think she was going to do when you left? Just sit there demurely and wait for you to return? You were still around when Chao declared her a full doctor!" Akane exclaims.
For a moment, I wonder why she's reminding me about all this. Then I remember that we're not in the dreamscape anymore, that it's not just us anymore, and I slide to my knees to bury my face in the dogs fur.
Vaguely, I can hear Nuan asking Akane how she could know if if she'd never been off that island of hers, but I can't concentrate on that because Akane is here. It hadn't hit me while she was fighting, but she's here and she's real, and I'm not crazy. She's real and I'm not crazy. She's real and-
"Are you alright?" It's the firebender. His hand on my shoulder feels like a brand, and the dog's cold, wet nose against my neck is a vivid contrast. It's enough to break me out of the loop.
It's enough to break me out of the loop and send me right into another one because if Akane's real, this if the missing Fire Prince, and he's asking if I'm okay. The prince. The Fire Prince. The missing Fire Prince.
"Not really," I mumble into the dog's fur.)
Fact: It takes me a while to calm down, and it helps greatly when Akane notices me while shes half way through a sentence, and clams up, starling Nuan into glancing at me and stopping as well. It's easier to believe that I'm talking to the Fire Prince than it is to believe that Akane is real and here. At least everyone around me agreed that he existed before he disappeared on the night of the Fire Lord's coronation. And besides that, it's easy to forget that Zuko's a prince with him sitting in the dirt in front of me in his travel worn clothes, talking about this one time he forgot the firebending steps and did one of the dances from his classical dance class instead.
Fact: When Zuko asks me what I want to do, Nuan starts to speak again, and this time Zuko shuts him up with a hard look. He asks again, this time giving me options. Options are good, because I don't know what I want. Do I want them to leave me alone so I can continue to act as a wandering doctor? I'm shaking my head frantically before he can finish the question, my arms tightening around the dog as they try to lick my face. Do I want them to help me find a village to stay in? The answer is no again, though I have to think about it. Do I want them to escort me back to Kaiyuan or Nishiyama? Those get strong nos. I'm not going back to Nishiyama, and there's no place for me in Kaiyuan, even though my parents are there. Finally, he asks if I want to come with them.
Fact: I want to go with them. I hadn't even considered it before he asked, but the moment he suggests it I want it. I want it and I want it and I want it and I want it so badly my bones creak as I clench my fists and I pull away from the dog so I don't squeeze them too tight. I want it so bad, it's like I've spent my entire life longing and I didn't know until now. It's not about Zuko. It's not about Samir and the hope he represents, it's not about Toph and what she can teach me. It's about being free with the two people I'm closest to. It's about being able to go where I wan with Akane and Nuan. And maybe I don't know them that well. I know one only though letters, and the other only through dreams where we're the only people in the world. But I want to try.
Fact: I want to try.
AN: Alright, here's the latest chapter, I hope you guys like it! Just to let you know, I've got a second series up for Step by Step over on AO3 now that has the original version of The Longest Day as well as bits and pieces of history and other spirit tales that I had on tumblr, as well as Scraps from various pieces that didn't make it into the final thing for various chapters.