This is Not Our Fate
Chapter 10. Many Here Among Us
It was the laughter that drew her.
The voices were not composed of the riotous laughter of children playing, but of the mellower, deeper tones of adults. There was warmth in the sound, welcome and filled with the steady flow of familiarity. The lights in the kitchen were dim, and Barriss lingered in their somewhat safer shadows, peering out around the arch that led into the dining area.
The rectangular table was filled with the adult members of the household. Lukewarm bottles of Corellian ale sat beside most of them, most nearly emptied from earlier drinking. Others opted for Alderaanian spice wine, the burnished burgundy hue of the liquid still visible in glass goblets. Snacks, too, were lying on the table, both savory and sweet, and a platter of Nura's ubiquitous sticky sesame cakes. Echo and Suisen were both selecting balls to add to their plates before passing the tray along for another round. Ahsoka was laughing as she said something to Rex, her arms stretched out as she scraped the chips from the sabacc pot closer to herself, adding to her already significant pile.
Though the kitchen was still heated from earlier cooking, the real warmth seemed to be in the dining room, so brightly lit against the nighttime sky lurking outside the windows.
Behri's bright voice called out, accompanied by a wicked smile, "Corellian Gambit, this round! Five cards each. Hope you're all ready."
The cards shuffled quickly between her fingers, then, one by one, were spun out towards each player.
She did not understand.
Intertribal warfare had torn this region of Mirial to shreds for decades. Now, though, in the face of years of hatred, the two clans were forced to work in tandem, to move their wounded into a single field hospital positioned between the two warring cities. To look to the east showed the silhouette of a metropolis gone dark, the ice-like spires that should have shone silver in the starlight were left blackened from energy shortage. To the west, an eerie phosphorescence could be seen, pale green and spectral, rising from secondary power generators deep within the second city. Lit from within, the damage could be more easily seen; the elegant towers that so recently stood tall were crumbled from the quake.
Barriss ran a hand over her eyes, feeling the strain of hours of work. She needed food, to keep up her own strength, and then she would return and set more broken bones, and try to stretch their dwindling supply of bacta as far as possible. The damage was extensive. The hospitals within the cities were badly damaged or destroyed. Communications were down. The cities, on the edge of the ocean, were hammered by tsunamis, flooding out roads and swamping others with flotsam and chemicals swept out of businesses, factories and homes. The secondary power generators only came online a few hours ago. Determining the full extent of the damage was given the highest priority, quickly followed by reestablishing power.
The tent city was the only source of clean water and food for kilometers in every direction, and reaching it was treacherous for most, walking on foot over damaged roads. Shanty towns were springing up around the hospital, though many were forced to sleep outside in the frozen desert steppe. Terrorized screams still sounded periodically, as aftershocks set the earth to trembling.
Aid was being flown in regularly, but with the slowly swelling numbers, aid alone was not enough. They flew through supplies, desperately trying to keep up with the increasing demand. Desperation was driving crime upward, hunger urging people to steal from those who had managed to find meals. More hands, more healers, more med droids, more medicine, along with cooks and food, machinery and police, would not reach them until the next day.
She had long wished to see Mirial, but this was not how she imagined it would be. Barriss and her new Master, Luminara Unduli, were already in the Outer Rim. They were directed to assist in relief efforts, and while Barriss tried to practice her growing skill as a healer, Master Unduli was trying to work with surviving leaders in reestablishing control of the region.
Local leaders were not happy. Two clans, centuries ago, laid claim to the same land, built their own cities, and warred with each other over the rights to the harbor, the sea, and the arable land, so hard come by on a planet of freezing deserts and tundra. War between the city-states broke out intermittently.
The surviving political leaders, even in the face of the devastation, were jockeying for favored positions.
And yet, there were scenes like the one unfolding before her.
Barriss paused in the alley of tents leading towards the food distribution area, hovering in the shadow of a lean-to filled with sleepers, watching.
She heard earlier from patients that rations were sharply limited, at least until another shipment of supplies arrived. The lucky ones who already received their food milled around, huddling over ration sticks and tins of water, lingering close to the large heated lamps, providing warmth and light. A young woman, perhaps only a few years older than herself, wandered aimlessly between tents, hovering, clearly unsure of where to go or what to do. Her pond green face was streaked with tears, mottled nearly purple in her distress. Bits of jewelry sparkled in her long black hair, caught in the gnarled strands. Her elegant purple robes were filthy, finely-made but torn. She had her arms wrapped around her belly, and she was wild-eyed, clutching her waist and slowly growing more panicked as she looked around, trying to decide what to do. Her breath clouded around her in the cold air. She staggered a little, wobbling. She pressed a hand over her mouth, and bright bangle bracelets jangled on her wrist.
She spun wildly as a young man touched her elbow. Dressed in simpler, poorer, but equally battered clothing, he spoke to her, too quietly for Barriss to hear at first, but the meaning of his gesture was clear. In one hand, he was holding a dried ration stick. He broke it in half, and extended it towards her.
She stared for a long time, looking at the food, then at him. Her hand, the delicate whorls of her tattoos starkly visible in the light of the overhead lamps, trembled as she hesitantly reached out to take it. Her fingers paused halfway there, and she looked at the man skeptically again. He pushed it towards her, and her hand clasped it. She stared at the food for several long seconds, then burst into tears, leaving the man confused, hovering. He touched her elbow again, and Barriss saw his lips move: "Are you alright?"
"But I am from Higashi!" she cried, clearly confused by his kindness. The man's expression sobered, and he lowered his eyes.
Amid the sounds of other people moving, weeping and crying out, Barriss could just barely hear his response. "Yes, and I am from Nishi. My parents are over there," he gestured towards a corner where two others were sitting, an older man and an older woman, their skin more golden than green, their faces and hands heavily lined with both age and faded black tattoos. "Sit with us. I have a little extra water."
The young woman looked confused, her green eyes made unnaturally bright from the tears within them. Then she looked at the man, and her expression changed from pain and confusion to what Barriss recognized as pure heroic adoration. Already filled with tears, her weeping changed from suffering to relief, and she wavered, her knees going out as the man quickly wrapped an arm around her waist. She turned in towards him, her shoulders shivering. They were surrounded in the mist of their own white breath.
He looked dismayed for a moment, as though unsure of what to do with the distraught woman in his arms, but managed to pull her upright and begin guiding her towards the older couple.
Barriss rested a hand on one of the ropes supporting the tent beside her, and watched the man help her settle herself on the ground, patting her back in an awkward attempt at consolation.
She straightened just as a familiar presence drew close; the calm, steady voice of her Master asked, "I sense you are troubled, my very young apprentice."
Luminara stepped up beside Barriss, clasping her hands behind her back and watching the scene that Barriss did, but with a calmer eye. Self-conscious, Barriss wiped her hands on the front of the bloodied smock covering her clothing, wishing she'd remembered to remove it before leaving the mobile hospital. The suffering was overwhelming, but she could not allow it to distract her. She needed her wits if she was to continue assisting more experienced healers. She rubbed her arms with her hands to generate warmth, before clasping her hands before her, trying to appear calm and more analytical of the scene that was now ending, the young man pressing a cup of water on the young woman while his parents looked at her skeptically.
"I am only confused, Master. I'm relieved that so many people are coming together to aid each other during the crisis, but others still only chase after their own ambitions." Barriss looked at Master Unduli, standing still and contemplative beside her. Master Unduli did not respond, and Barriss fidgeted, trying to determine what her new teacher expected from her. She continued, somewhat hurriedly, "They are from the different cities. I heard them say so, but I could tell through observation before. He has the yellower skin tone and tattoos predominantly on his neck, as do most of those from the western bank. She has the greener tone and forehead patterns, as well as the large bangle jewelry many of the eastern women seem to prefer, though not many of them have it now."
Barriss snuck a look again at Master Unduli, who had tilted her head down somewhat and seemed to be repressing a small, amused smile at Barriss' rambling. Barriss clamped her lips closed, and folded her hands before her, trying to give a more serene, detached appearance. Luminara said, gently, "Most sentients are social creatures. We organize ourselves into cultures and societies, tribes and clans and cities because living alone can be a very cold life. Even so, those tribes and clans draw lines around themselves, including some while excluding others. Massive tragedies force people to overcome some of the boundaries they establish for themselves. People need each other to survive."
The smile Master Unduli wore a few moments ago had faded, and she seemed slightly tired. Still, she stood straight and firm, her face cast into sharp contrast from a nearby lantern's stark white light. Barriss straightened a little, trying to mimic her stance while watching people moving between tents.
The little family and their guest were huddled close to one of the lanterns. The young Nishian man was now sitting beside the Higashian woman. She had her face buried in his shoulder. His parents' expressions had changed from skeptical to somewhat dismayed. The young man himself was alternating between stricken looks at his parents, and something rather awed and flustered toward the woman. It was almost something out of a holovid, and it was clear he was enjoying playing the hero, even if his parents were there to chaperone.
Barriss' brows drew together as she watched and thought more over Master Unduli's words. "But the Jedi Code dictates that Jedi remain detached from other people. Is that not a contradiction, if people need each other to survive?"
Master Unduli's small smile returned, and Barriss was warmed by it. Apparently she had asked a good question, or made a good observation. She waited patiently for her Master to explain. Instead, she found herself receiving a question. "Tell me, padawan, what is it that you know of the rule of detachment?"
Barriss tilted her head to the side and watched her Master for a moment. Luminara had one brow lifted, awaiting her answer, but patiently. Barriss cast her eyes downward for a moment as she thought. She knew only what she had been previously taught; she could cite no interpretation of her own, for she had little experience with such things. She thought back to her lessons in the Temple, and tried to recite what she had learned. "Jedi Master Hoche Trit is best known for his interpretation of the external loyalty clauses of the Code. He argued that a Jedi cannot divide her attention between two forces, or else invite disaster."
"Why would a division of attention be so disastrous? Surely a Jedi is capable of handling two different issues at the same time."
Barriss opened her mouth to reply, then closed it, unsure. A fully trained Jedi is capable of handling a great many problems at once. In fact, their jobs depended on it. Luminara spent her last day and a half managing bickering Mirialan politicians while strengthening the relief effort. It wasn't that a Jedi could not handle two problems at once, but perhaps could not handle two disparate loyalties? "A Jedi cannot have multiple loyalties, since they may come into conflict with each other. Such conflict may cause distress, which may in turn lead to sadness, anger or fear. Such things are the path to the Dark Side."
Master Unduli smiled and nodded, and Barriss beamed with the knowledge she had answered correctly. Luminara turned back towards the scene before them, a cluster new faces wandering down the aisles of tents, empty handed. She closed her eyes for a moment and bowed her head. It seemed the food had run out again, for the time being. Barriss sighed. She could wait until morning to eat again. A fresh shipment of food from the capitol was expected at daybreak, along with more medicine and more workers. Her stomach rumbled, and she looked at the quartet sitting nearby, the young Higashian woman now nibbling steadily on her ration, while the man held out a cup presumably filled with water.
"But what if the loyalties are shared?" Barriss burst out suddenly, looking at the two of them. A few days ago, they were on opposite sides of a lasting feud. Today, they shared warmth, light and food. "What if people bring their loyalties into alignment, and support each other, the way some of these people are doing?"
She colored at her outburst, flushing and looking down at her hands. She clasped them together tightly, to prevent herself from wringing them. A light hand descended onto her shoulder, and she saw that Master Unduli had closed the step between them. "What is the difference, between these people and Jedi, Barriss?"
Barriss blinked at her, looking quickly from Luminara's tea-green hand on her shoulder, then into her Master's brilliant blue eyes. They were warm, if tired. "Jedi are Force-sensitive," she replied. Luminara nodded, encouraging her to continue. "We are of many different species?" she continued uncertainly. Master Unduli chuckled once, then looked out across the tents.
"Yes, Jedi are Force-sensitive. We do not seek to lord our abilities over those who do not have the skills we do, but we do have them, and it separates us in a way species, clan and tribe cannot. We have power, and we must use it responsibly. Think of it this way. If we did not come to help these people, to insist that the surviving leaders work together in the aftermath of the quake, what do you think these people would do?"
"Listen to the representatives from the capitol?" Barriss offered, but knew it was unlikely. The man sent to direct the relief effort meant well, but he was a practical man, not a politician, and he certainly did not have the…the gravitas…Master Unduli carried, and with it, the ability to make people see reason. She sighed. "Likely they would bicker and fight over the aid, and it would make the situation worse."
"Imagine if the Jedi clung to sides in such a way, to people or to goods in such a way, and decided to fight over it? You know of the Sith, who seek out power and status. Our detachment gives us objectivity and serenity. Emotions and passion are intrinsic to our nature as sentients. Even so, we must learn to accept those emotions as they are, to face them and then to let them pass, rather than allow them to consume us. Such things lead only to suffering." Master Unduli smiled gently at her and let her hand fall away from Barriss' shoulder. She folded her hands neatly before her, one on top of the other, her posture tall and straight.
Barriss hung her head a little, feeling unsure. She longed to have the quiet composure of the Masters, but knew it was many years away in her training. She looked at the couple, sitting with the young man's parents near the lantern. He was a very handsome young man, and the diamond patterns on his neck appeared appealingly soft. Her cheeks warmed, at the thought of sitting by such a man, in the way the Higashian woman was now, cold breath mingling with cold breath. It was not the first time such thoughts had strayed through her head, but she always scolded herself for it and reminded herself it was normal for a thirteen year old to be curious about the opposite sex, that there were medical reasons driving such curiosities, such as fluctuating hormone levels. Still, it was hard to set aside such feelings. She returned her gaze to the ground, glumly. "It seems very difficult, Master."
Luminara chuckled. "We all struggle with attachment, Barriss. You are not alone."
"All?" Barriss repeated, a little wide-eyed. Was Master Luminara suggesting that she struggled with such things?
The laughter faded from Luminara's eyes a little and she turned away. She said, softly, "Yes. All."
Barriss thought about that for awhile, trying to accept that far wiser and older Jedi than she may have similar thoughts and troubles. Master Unduli interrupted her musings after a moment, continuing. "There will, someday, come a time when you must confront attachment. Consider your choices carefully, Barriss, and remember what being a Jedi means. Choose the course of your life wisely. As for today, though, you have done very well, padawan."
Barriss nodded, blushing at the praise, but also at the thought of future attachments she may have to struggle against. The Jedi were her life; she loved what she did, and wanted nothing more than to grow up to be like Master Unduli, to excel in the healing arts, and perhaps someday have a padawan of her own to teach.
"I shall always be a Jedi, Master," Barriss told her firmly, and with her declaration, felt a certain peace.
She had long since chosen the course of her life.
Behri's bright voice called out, accompanied by a wicked smile, "Corellian Gambit, this round! Five cards each. Hope you're all ready."
The cards shuffled quickly between her fingers, then, one by one, were spun out towards each player.
There were peaks and valleys of happiness and irritation from each player as they received their cards. Some faces flickered with those emotions before the players schooled themselves to seriousness, not wishing to give away the quality of their hands. From her vantage point, Barriss could not see each expression, since some had their backs to her, and all held their cards close to their chests, not wishing anyone to see, even an observer with no stake in the game, watching unobtrusively from the sidelines.
Chips were tossed into piles, one a fresh hand pot for the winner of the round, the other a growing sabacc pot for anyone lucky enough to find themselves with a pure sabacc, a perfect value of twenty-three, positive or negative. She didn't know how many rounds had passed, but judging by the hill of chips next to Ahsoka, they'd been playing for at least an hour. Her indigo eyes flicked from person to person. Ahsoka seemed to have the advantage. Rex was not doing poorly, but it seemed that Echo and Suisen were making a cooperative attempt to topple Ahsoka's dominance in the game. Their stacks of chips were nearing the size of hers. Behri was dealing. Waxer and Nura were nearly bankrupt of chips, and seemed to be using wrapped candies to supplement their dwindling piles. Fives was down to candy alone. Barriss suppressed a laugh, watching him scratch the back of his neck for the third time since receiving his cards. He wasn't pleased with the suit he held.
More chips were tossed. Waxer sighed heavily, put down his cards and unwrapped one of the candies, popping it into his mouth. Nura confidently tossed in another chip.
Jedi, soldiers, civilians. Human, Togruta, Gungan, from Kamino, Shili, Naboo, Ghorman, Alderaan. Such a mix of faces, species, races, backgrounds, all sitting and laughing around the same table. It was not quite the way the Jedi Temple looked, but the variety was there. The difference was that one of them was a Jedi, while the others were not. Ahsoka had integrated herself with them fully, attracted them to her, bound them all together. Nura watched as the swamplands she called home were set on fire, Imperials tearing them apart to find her daughter. And then there was Behri, smiling and laughing, an elbow on the table and her chin in her hand, who suffered at the hands of the Empire, who watched stormtroopers beat her people down, and yet sat beside them, married one of them, had a child with one of them.
Out of so many disparate backgrounds and lives and cultures, came one unit. One group bearing a torch to ward off the Dark, driving it back. They were not the Jedi Order, nor were they even all Jedi, and yet, they worked to create the peace, to defend it.
When she arrived in this place, the younglings asked if she were a Jedi. She'd answered yes.
For seven years, she'd been powerless, left alone. It did not need to be so, anymore. She was tired of being helpless.
There was a clink of more chips being added to the ante, and a couple of groans from Nura and Suisen. Rex chuckled, leaning back in his chair after tossing in his own wager. Ahsoka was the last, placing in more chips. Fives snorted and leaned forward, pressing his cards against his shoulder with one hand, while waggling a finger at Ahsoka. "You are cheating!"
Barriss blinked in surprise, that he'd make such an allegation. The response from the others, though, was laughter, and Barriss wondered if this was, perhaps, not an unusual event. Ahsoka was pressing her cards dramatically to her chest, batting her eyelashes while she held a hand up to her open mouth in mock offense. Barriss snickered, feeling Ahsoka's deep amusement over the whole situation. Ahsoka made a small, cutely shocked sound.
There were giggles, and Suisen had a hand over her eyes, seeming to think the entire episode completely ridiculous. Rex sat back up and gave Fives an exaggerated warning look, while wrapping a solicitous arm around Ahsoka, who was still pretending to be terribly dismayed over the cheating accusation. He then proceeded to burst out laughing.
Echo laughed, leaning forward and commenting dryly, "Just because you always lose doesn't mean anyone else is cheating."
Fives laughed as well, fanning himself with his cards and quirking an eyebrow while he replied, "Of course you'd say that - if you're cheating." He pointed at Echo's own fairly significant pile of chips.
"You have a tell," Suisen informed him, leaning against Echo with a smile, slipping an arm around his waist. Then she looked at Fives, critically, her attention sweeping from the top of his head to where his body disappeared beneath the edge of the table. She tilted her head and added, with amusement, "Several, actually."
Behri broke into laughter, and Fives made a wounded face. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be on my side of this?"
Behri widened her eyes and mimicked Ahsoka's innocent look. "Oh, but I'm the dealer, darling. I'm supposed to be impartial!" The last few words came out more as a giggle than an overly serious statement, and she curled up against Fives, kissing his cheek while he rolled his eyes.
"No one is cheating."
The words cut abruptly into the group's laughter, and Barriss breathed in deeply as their attention swung to her, their smiles fading into uncertainty. Barriss shifted uncomfortably, wishing she'd kept her mouth shut. She wasn't a part of their game; she didn't really belong to their group. "No one is cheating," she repeated. "Through the Force, or otherwise." She looked at Ahsoka, whose face was now strangely inscrutable. "No one was cheating."
"Would you like to join us?" Ahsoka asked, her face growing softer, even hopeful. Barriss hesitated, wanting to enter the circle, and yet still hesitant.
Would she like to join them?
"Cody's mentioned you were quite the card player, on Nar Shaddaa," Rex added, trying to strengthen Ahsoka's invitation. He made a gesture at a gap in the seating beside him, and Barriss leaned forward, away from the wall, enough to see that there was a stool sitting there.
Her eyes swept over the group. She'd not been invited, initially, likely because they assumed she would decline. All the other adults were there. Except Cody. They'd set out a seat for Cody, even in his absence.
Even without being present, he was part of the group. Even being present, she was not. Her hands made fists.
Would she like to join them?
She shook her head, embarrassed. "I'm only good when I cheat. Thank you, though."
Ahsoka's face fell a little. Rex's remained steady. He moved his hand back onto the table, setting his forearm along the edge. Suisen's eyes, locked on her until now, lowered, and she gave a small sigh.
Penitence. Forgiveness. Resilience. Barriss took a small, hesitant step forward. "Next time," she said, and put as much conviction into the words as she could. "I will join you next time."
The room was quiet for a moment, until the silence was broken by a quiet shifting. Small smiles began to form, directed at her. She could feel a burgeoning warmth and welcome, and slowly, she found herself beginning to smile in return. She blinked hard several times, for some reason feeling tears starting to well in her eyes. "Would anyone like tea?" she asked quickly, to distract herself, chuckling lightly as Ahsoka and Suisen's heads lifted, their interest piqued. Nura merely laughed, and the men all groaned.
"Mind making a fresh pot of caf?" Waxer asked, looking up at her from where he sat. She gave him a startled look. He lifted his brows. "Know how to use the caf maker?"
"I think so," she replied, holding his gaze for several long seconds until a flicker of a smile began to appear on Waxer's face as well.
"Tea and caf," she said, stepping back into the kitchen. "Tea and caf and Fives is bad at cards."
There was a series of snickers at the final statement, and when Fives looked offended at their amusement, there was more laughter, including Barriss's. She stepped back into the kitchen, listening as they began their game again.
Things were not as they always were, but perhaps there was still a place to belong.
Wow this was a hard chapter to write for some reason. The scene on Mirial did not want to work with me at all. I think I rewrote the context about three times before I was happy with it. There is almost no information on Mirial in the Wookieepedia, and it was hard getting enough background in to feel 'realistic' but without overwhelming the scene with superfluous information. I really hope I pulled that scene off. Gah.
I did like the opportunity to write Luminara, though. Hope that went okay. As for Barriss's age, I chose thirteen for her becoming a padawan; there didn't seem to be any official age for her, and it seemed young enough to need a Master, but also old enough to deal with the rigors of Jedi life.
Also, a great big thank you to all who have reviewed! Queen Ceilidh, laloga, sachariah, LongLivetheClones, Mastermind, Clayto, outlaw hunter, SilverWolf, TheLightIsMine, KatiaSwift, almostinsane, DoubleEO, Sarge, doctor anthony, Emshadow, BleachBoy and Endymion Blue! Thank you all so much for your kind words and thoughts! The last chapter was a tough one, I know. Believe it or not, we're building towards the conclusion from this point out, so things get a bit more upbeat as problems begin to resolve themselves...
As always, I hope you enjoyed the chapter,
~Queen