She didn't know how long she had been crying, she couldn't remember Lexa leading her to the couch, she couldn't remember curling herself into Lexa's side, but the brunette had been holding her the entire time. After a few last sobs, Clarke wiped the tears away, sat herself up and looked at Lexa.
"I'm sorry, I–"
"It's okay."
"No, I didn't mean for the evening to go like this and I–"
"Clarke." The brunette gently tucked a loose strand behind Clarke's ear, "it's okay."
"I used to live together with my best friend." Clarke started but paused. She knew that maybe she shouldn't tell Lexa, she didn't want the brunette to pity her. But when she looked in her eyes, she knew that that's not what Lexa would do. She would just sit there and listen to Clarke. So she continued.
"Her name's Raven. We've been best friends since High School, she's a jerk actually but I would do anything for her." She paused for a moment, taking a sip, not remembering either how the wine glasses had made their way to the coffee table.
"We did everything together. We... I don't know, we loved roadtrips... yeah, that was really our thing. She's a mechanic and we had a super old car which Raven always claimed she could fix, so we kept it. Then I got a boyfriend and she met someone shortly after, too. They were so in love, it was gross." Clarke laughed. "Well, you know what I mean. Such a happy couple. They fought a lot though and broke up later which killed Raven, kind of. She was absolutely broken and Octavia, the one from the bar, you know, and I had a hard time putting the pieces back together.
Anyway, one day Raven and I were drinking heavily. I didn't want to at first but she made me, claiming since we're both single again, we would have to get hammered, so I agreed. On our way back home, we heard car brakes, the sound of glass cracking and something else. We turned around and saw Raven's boyfriend lying in front of a car. I ran or rather stumbled up to him, he was unconscious but alive. I..." Clarke stopped, feeling the tears come back. "I was trying to save him, I really was. Someone called an ambulance but by the time they arrived, it was too late." She didn't even try to stop the tears from falling anymore. Clarke got up, stepped out onto her balcony and lit a cigarette. Lexa appeared next to her, her hand on Clarke's back, slowly rubbing circles which calmed Clarke more than Lexa knew.
"They found a letter in his jacket that he wanted to give her that night, which said how sorry he was and that he wanted her back and that he'd do everything for her. After that night, Raven didn't really speak to me anymore. She didn't speak at all actually. From time to time, she shouted at me and said it was my fault, I could've saved him if I hadn't been so drunk but instead I let him die, but that was everything she ever said to me. Two months ago, she packed a bag and left. I don't know where she is, I don't know if she's okay, and I... fuck."
Clarke sighed, letting her tears fall freely, not caring at all. Lexa still hadn't said a thing, she was just there and Clarke was thankful for that. She was wondering how she deserved someone like Lexa to be there with her and for her, such a beautiful person, with such a beautiful soul. So polite and caring and loving and always doing and saying the right things, never pushing her though.
She turned a bit to face the brunette and cracked a smile, before she leaned in so that their foreheads slightly touched. She wanted to close the gap but couldn't bring up any more courage, today she had already been braver than she thought she could be, so she just stayed like this, Lexa's hand still on her back, when she felt soft lips on her own.
Clarke moved her arms behind the back of the brunette's neck, gently pulling her closer. Lexa's hands rested on Clarke's hips, simply holding her. Before Clarke knew what she was doing, she broke the kiss, took Lexa's hand and pulled her back inside and towards the couch.
"Clarke..."
"Shut up and kiss me." Clarke half–breathed, pushing Lexa onto the couch and straddling her, slowly developing a steady movement against the body beneath her. Lexa pulled away, and Clarke melted into dark green eyes looking deeply into her own, while the brunette slowly pushed Clarke's top up and over her head. Lexa leaned in to leave light kisses on the blonde's chest while Clarke cupped the woman's cheek, lowering her head to kiss the brunette's head and inhale her scent.
Clarke loved every kiss and touch but knew she needed more, she needed them to be closer. She got up and removed her pants, still looking at the brunette, and straddled her again. They paused for a second, not moving at all, until Clarke took Lexa's hand, laid it gently on her own stomach and slowly led it downwards.
It amazed Clarke how quiet she was, usually she was the audible type of person but with Lexa, the intimacy was too overwhelming for Clarke to actually make any kind of sound. Feeling Lexa's fingers at her entrance, Clarke looked at the brunette, reassuring that it was okay and that they both wanted it. Then she closed her eyes and pushed her body down.