IX. A bid for freedom
I didn't leave immediately, even though I wanted to just walk away and keep going. I'd be noticed, and stopped. Luckily, at evening muster, two things were announced: war games that evening, and that I was excluded due to punishment work. People throughout the cohorts snickered, but I was relieved. I'd have a few hours that evening when I could leave without anyone knowing. I kept my head down and looked embarrassed, which given how many people were jeering really wasn't difficult.
I could hardly eat anything that evening, feeling like my stomach was twisting and grating inside me. Mel kept giving me these worried looks, and I couldn't bear to meet her eyes. I wouldn't be able to say goodbye, and that was the worst. But I couldn't stay; I just couldn't put up with it all any longer. First they wanted me to do something heroic. Then they didn't believe me when I did. I was done being probatio (dis)Grace. I was going to be plain old Jason Grace. Who knows, maybe I'd even find my real family.
"Jase, are you okay?" I hardened my heart and took the chance. I shrugged, not looking up from my plate.
"Not feeling great. I'll be fine, Mel." She didn't buy it, but that was why I'd said I'd be fine - she'd take it that I was lying about feeling fine, not about the not being well. She pressed the back of a hand to my forehead, frowning slightly. Of course, she probably thought I was torn up about not being in the war games.
"You don't have a temperature… look, if you feel ill later, come find me? Even if it means skipping out on punishment work. I don't want you to get sick." I gave her a wobbly smile, and I think that's what convinced her that I really wasn't well. She didn't push, but watched me like a hawk until I'd forced myself to eat something, and I could feel the weight of her gaze on my back as I headed over to the praetors' office to receive my punishment duties for the evening.
There was a nasty shock waiting for me in the praetors office. Lupa was there.
She comes and goes as she pleases, and you can never be certain when she'll be around Camp or not, despite the fact that she's officially in charge. New campers always find it a little strange that there's a giant wolf in charge of a summer camp, but pretty soon it's the least strange thing they're dealing with. Her gaze, as always, seemed to both go straight through me and take in everything at once, and I couldn't hold her eyes. I was too ashamed. I was leaving, running away. I wasn't a Roman, not really, not at this point. She gave the sharp huff that expressed disappointment, and I cringed internally.
"Grace." I swallowed and turned to Rich, who I'd forgotten was in the room.
"You will be on armoury duty for the first half hour of your punishment work. After that, you will return to Temple Hill, and finish cleaning your father's temple. If I find that you have left, or snuck to the field of Mars to watch the games, the consequences will be severe. Do you understand?" I nodded silently, then saluted and went to the armoury.
Of course, Rich had deliberately picked out the one task that would put me in everyone's gaze: Legionnaires were in and out of the armoury to get equipment for the war games, and I was scurrying around sharpening swords, fetching spares, the works. The Fifth were among the last cohort to retrieve their weaponry, and the only ones not to mock me for having to sit out in disgrace.
"See you later, Jase." I nodded at Pablo and Anya as they paused at the door, looking a little worried.
"Take out an extra couple of the Firsties for me." They both grinned and gave me a thumbs up, and hurried to catch the others up. My heart sank like it was made of lead. I was going to miss my friends. Soon after that, someone prodded me in the shoulder.
"C'mon probatio disgrace. Scram. Time's up, and I don't want to be late to the start of the games because I had to wait for you to get out of the armoury because I drew the short straw and had to supervise you." I glared at Louisa. I doubted she'd drawn anything; she'd probably volunteered to have the entire half hour to smirk at me, which was exactly what she'd done.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm going." She made a point of waiting to let me out of the door first, just to really rub in the fact that I was lower ranked. As if that hadn't been made clear enough already.
I made my way out of camp and up Temple Hill. Camp itself was still too busy to pick up what little I could take with me, so I figured I may as well get one last good view of New Rome before I left for good. I didn't bother cleaning the temple, though. There was no one there to supervise me, not even one of the fauns who hung around camp the whole time. Instead, I went into Mercury's temple and burnt an offering on the altar - a chunk of chocolate, to be exact, praying for him to watch over me while I traveled. Then I picked a spot where I had a good view of camp and sat watching until I saw the Third, Fourth and Fifth march out, on offence not defence this time. To be really safe, I waited until the eagles went up and the games began, before jogging back down the hill to camp to gather my stuff.
I'd decided what I was going to take. I didn't have much to take, honestly, but my focus was on speed anyway, so I was going light. I just wanted out already, cold and no longer fitting into the place that had always been home. So I shoved a couple of spare t-shirts and a pair of jeans into a bag, along with a zip lock bag of ambrosia and all the money I had, both denarii and mortal. I slipped back into the armoury on my way by, belting a sword to my hip. I'd disguise it later. For now, I had to get moving. Once again, I left by the Decumarian gate. This time I didn't go to the bridge, because it was too close to the Field of Mars and I'd be spotted. Instead I took the Caldecott tunnel entrance, emerging into the grass verge between the lanes of traffic. Even though it was evening, it was pretty busy, and there was no way I was going to be able to run across. So I took a big risk. I gathered my concentration, and gave the whole flying thing another shot. Luckily, I made it over a lane of traffic before crash landing as I lost focus. I scrambled quickly to my feet, looking around, but none of the drivers seemed to have noticed me. Either the mist was helping me out, or kids usually randomly fell from the sky around here.
I was suddenly exhausted; and I think I actually fell asleep for a few minutes, jerking back awake curled up in the grass.
With no solid idea on where I was planning to go, I figured I could do worse than get the bus to the station and just pick a train. Any train, and just see where I ended up. There were worse plans. I made the bus at a sprint, paying the fare while I gasped for breath and listened to my heart pounding in my ears. I slumped into a seat at the back of the mostly empty bus, yawning. Fishing through my bag for the cyclops' jumper to use as a pillow, I came across the purple envelope that I hadn't even opened yet, but shoved in absent mindedly. A lump came to my throat, and I blinked back yet more tears. I should have been so proud. Without really thinking about it, I opened the envelope. There wasn't much inside: a small certificate, signed by Violet and Rich, congratulating us on a successful mission, two squares of ambrosia - a symbolic thing, to make up for injuries sustained on the task - and a couple of vouchers for some of the shops in New Rome. I shoved everything back in the envelope and when I couldn't get it back into the poorly packed bag, pushed it into my pocket. I should have left it: I wouldn't have any use for any of it anymore.
Curled up with the jumper between my head and the window, I dozed off to sleep.
Anya drew the string on her bow back, eyes fixed on Jack, and loosed. He yelped, loudly enough that I could hear it even at this distance from the fort walls, dropping his sword. Anya laughed, and Pablo gave her a high five. I turned my head slightly at a chuckle, and Mel was there too, grinning at them.
"Nice shot." Mel's gaze flicked up to Temple Hill, outlined on the horizon, and the smile faded. With a jolt, I realized she was wondering if I was okay. Something curled in my mind, whispering no she's not, and I scowled, because I'm sure the voice was Louisa's, and that was not a voice I wanted in my head, thank you very much. Pablo yawned, almost dropping his shield on his own foot. Anya giggled quietly, but stopped when she yawned too. I wondered why they were feeling so sleepy, when they were in the middle of war games. Mel started to cough, and I moved towards her. I passed straight through, and I knew I was dreaming. Of course I was: I'd left. But I still didn't wake up.
Mel was sitting down, looking an unhealthy ashy grey rather than her usual coppery tan, shivvering.
"Somet - something's wrong." The others didn't hear her, because they were asleep.
I ran from person to person, and they were all falling asleep. But they weren't stopping: war games were continuing as usual, except that no-one was talking or laughing, or even shouting insults at one another. Mel had succumbed too, moving trance like through her stage in the offence. I trailed behind my cohort as they came up against the walls, and the lack of taunting from the Seconds on the wall terrified me. Desperate, I jumped and flew, much more easily than I ever had before, landing unseen, invisible, on the walkway, in time to see the orange glow bloom. Fire defences - they were burning something, sending up thick smoke that left a haze over the Field of Mars. Louisa turned from the brazier, a cloth mask over her face and a torch blazing in her hand. Alone of the others, even the Firsts and Seconds, she seemed awake. She nodded to herself, and walked away, Legionnaires letting her through without seeming to see her. I took off again, circling up into the sky, scanning for some clue as to what was going on. The wolves howled, faltering and rising again, as though they knew something was happening but were powerless to stop it. Then they cut off, and the Field of Mars blazed into ashes.
I wasn't on Temple Hill this time, but as the last echoes of Lupa's howl faded, New Rome crumbled, followed by tower hill. The tidal wave crashed over me, and as it did a voice echoed in my mind. It was still Louisa's voice, but it wasn't. It was something deep and dark and cold, and it clenched like a fist around my heart, crushing and twisting.
If Rome burns, do you, probatio Disgrace?
And I jerked awake, coughing and gasping.