Trials of the Heart
Chapter 10 - Watchful eye: Jay's Nan
She had never imagined it would be like this. It was so peaceful yet so horrible.
Her hand could reach out but she couldn't touch.
Her mouth could move but she couldn't speak
It hurt her to be so far away yet so close.
She could see them, Hear them, feel them but she couldn't communicate with them in anyway shape or form. It was almost like being thrown into the middle of a television program only you weren't really there.
She wanted to guide them, Set them on the right path but it was like she was so far away. She was sat right next to them as they struggled, she was watching over their shoulders as the worked. But whatever she tried she couldn't awaken them to her presence.
It was a ghost like existence. Part of her wasn't sure it was real but another part of her knew she was watching the break down of her family without her.
Jay was being a complete and utter idiot. It frustrated her so much to see him behaving like that no to mention how much it frustrated her to not be able to reprimand him. She just wanted to hit the idiot around the head and knock some sense into him before it was too late. He may be frightened but he need to realise wasn't alone he was surrounded by people yet he was blocking them out, refusing to talk and isolating himself. She predicted he had a week or two before he was due a major break down if he wasn't careful the way he was bottling everything up was extremely painful to watch for her, she had always thought she had taught him better.
Her eldest granddaughter wasn't behaving much more appropriately, running away from your problems never solved them, Maryam learnt that herself when she had moved to England with her daughter. But she was proud Leila was making something of herself and building a career for herself even if it wasn't in the sort of career she would have chose for her, She had never thought she would hear her granddaughter wanting to take responsibility for herself let alone anyone else. She made a mental note to herself that she would have to make sure she knew she was proud of her.
Then there was Ellie. She had been horrified back in March to discovered Ellie had been self harming. It had been a nasty blow to know her granddaughter believed that every little problem the family went through was her fault, which was far from true. It made her want to turn back time, she shouldn't have ever gotten that idea into her head in the first place. Though she was glad Ruth had set her on the right path and gotten her help. She wasn't happy to see that her current condition and Jay's behaviour had started to lead the young girl back down the path of self destructive behaviour.
River. River was so innocent, so young and should not have had to experience any of this. She had tried desperately to protect the young child from all the nasty things in the world. Her mother included. She wanted to hug her youngest granddaughter close and promise her that she had a bright future. She already knew exactly how River would grow up. Brave, Smart, Beautiful. She had high hopes for the very intelligent little girl and she knew she could go far. She had decided who she would entrust the care of her youngest grandchild too. Ruth.
In the year or so she had known the young doctor she had become a bigger part of the family than her daughter had ever been. She was wise beyond her years after what seemed to have been a horrific childhood. She was supportive to Ellie, looked up to by River and had made Jay finally grow up. She had her own problems, Maryam knew that for a fact but it didn't lower her opinion of the girl at all, Infact it did the exact opposite. She was struggling though it was clear in her eyes that she was falling back into her depression. But this time there was a difference, Maryam knew she was stronger than ever before and Ruth knew she was falling, this time the time would come when she would stop waiting and hoping someone would save her and save herself for the first time in her life.
Her thoughts slipped from the brave doctor to her own daughter. She scowled as she thought of the irresponsible and selfish person she had grown up to be. She had seen her too whilst she had been in her ghost like state. Shooting up on heroin in some dirty flat with a group of disgusting men. Her short skirt was ripped and her top so low cut it was disgraceful. She looked nothing more than a hooker. Yet in away she felt sorry for her. She had so wanted her to get off the drugs and stay clean, she had high hopes for her daughter once up on a time but she had persistently messed up any chances she had been given and her respect for her daughter had long since been lost.
She looked out at the beach she was currently sat on. It was a little like a holiday from reality, she could flit between places faster than she could click her fingers. The beach she was currently sat thinking on had been where she had brought Jay as a toddler. It was only an hour away from their family home on the train she recalled his pudgy little fingers clasped around the spade in his hand as he dug in the sand a big grin on his face as he produced a successful sand castle. His dark curls and deep brown eyes sparkling with innocence and mischief.
A smile crossed her lips as she wished she could go back in time and things could go back to being that simple. But time was irreversible. Like a ticking bomb once the fused had burnt out their was no going back.
She knew that her heart was almost healed as much as she knew it would ever be. Even if they left her to rest for another three weeks like she knew they were planning too it was unlikely to make much of a difference. Her heart was heavy and her time left on this planet was short, a month at the most once she had awoken she had predicted sadly. It would soon be her time to head into the light into the peace beyond but she had a lot to do in the time that remained and a lot of things needed to be sorted, that was for sure.