All I want to do is be more like me.

Yeaaah, so I'm back. Last weeks have been a bit messy here, and I'm still a bit messy because I'm always messy, so no guarantee that this chapter is kinda good. If you find any mistakes, please point them out to me, I haven't even proofread this chapter. Sorry! I'll try to be faster with writing in the next weeks, but then again, I think I always promise to try that. Woops! Have fun and please tell me what you think of it!

Linkin Park - Numb

As soon as John had left Mary's room, he pulled out his phone and started to text. He didn't know if Greg was free or if he even wanted to listen to him again, but since he already knew what was going on, John wouldn't have to tell more people about his problems.
He sent the message and sighed. This seemed to get out of control so fast, he felt lost.
He didn't even have the time to enter the elevator before Greg answered and John smiled.
"Be there in ten." That meant John had to hurry, but to his luck he instantly found a cab and arrived at the pub just in time.

"Hey, Greg", he greeted the DI, who smiled and waved in return.
"John, good to see you in one piece. The way you talked about your wife yesterday made me fear she'd eat you alive today."
They both laughed and entered the pub, where they sat at the bar. It felt like a huge improvement to John, away from the secret table in a dark corner to a place out in the open, where everyone could see, hear and talk to them. It was silly, but it cheered him up a bit.

They ordered beer, and before Greg could ask about Mary, John wanted to know about the case.
"I understand if you can't tell me details, but.. Are you making progress?"
The DI smiled.
"I guess you already know so much about so many cases, this wouldn't make a difference. But yes, we found a lot of new evidence today, and right now the others are checking alibis of like twenty people. It's a bit of a mess, but I think with some hard work, we can close it by the end of the week. And all that even without Sherlock's help."
He looked proud for a moment, then he seemed to remember who he was talking to and his face fell immediately.
"Sorry…" - "No worries", John answered, "I'm glad you're on the right track."

For some minutes neither of them spoke until Greg couldn't wait any longer.
"So, what happened today? I don't want to push it, but you looked pretty desperate last night and you wouldn't have called me here if everything was okay."
John smiled a bit nervously, then recited the conversation with Mary. For some reason he couldn't explain he left out Sophie. Somehow it didn't seem right to him.
"You know, I really tried my best with her. I'm not good with people, no matter what anyone tells me. But it felt so right with her. And now she tells me it was wrong all the time. I promised her to try harder, to make it better, and I really want us to get okay again, but… What if I don't feel good with this 'new' marriage? What if the only way she wants it is the only way I don't want it? What if I fuck this up again?"

He was asking question nonstop now, stupid questions, pointless questions, feeling desperate and annoying and annoyed and lost and suddenly he just wanted some tea, and armchair and crap telly.
"John, listen to me", Greg said with a soothing voice. He didn't sound like the tough detective inspector anymore, more like John's mother, from what he could remember when she used her calming voice. That made him even more miserable, but he listened.
"You should find a compromise, one that works for both you and Mary. And if one of you isn't willing to look for one, then you should rethink the situation. Don't give yourself up for your wife. It's never worth it, believe me."

He sounded so bitter that John wanted to hug him, but that wouldn't be appropriate. Also, John would never feel comfortable hugging other men, he was sure of that.
"I know, at least I tell myself that I do. But now that she lost the baby… She need me, in a way that I'm not there for her, and it's all my fault and then I feel like I'm lying to her all the time although I'm telling her everything I know and even this Sophie person makes me insecure and I'm not used to being insecure!"
John almost shouted the last bit, then looked around, embarrassed that someone might have heard him talk about his feelings. He'd never really done that anyway, why did he have to start now?

"Wait a moment, John, who's Sophie?", Greg asked and the doctor blinked confused. Hadn't he mentioned her last time? Ah, no, that had happened this morning. The last days had been such a mess, it seemed so blurry to him now. Or was that the beer? He hadn't eaten anything today, he might react a bit to it, and he had already had two… no, three.

"John?", the Di asked again which brought him back to the present.
"Oh, sorry. She's a friend of Mary's, apparently. Wrote her some weird texts this morning, and because Mary had left her phone at home, I felt kinda… obliged to check them."

He had the decency to blush here, but Greg only nodded.
"And you've never heard from her before? How long do you know Mary now?" - "Three years. And Mary said she doesn't have any friends because of a … complicated past past. She picked up some acquaintances since we got married, but normally she told me all about them. She accuses me of having secrets, but why would she hide a female friend when I never complained about her male ones?" - "You're right, it seems weird. Did you ask her about it?"
John nodded and explained what his wife had said, but also added that it had sounded a bit weird to him. Although recently, everything sounded a bit weird in his ears. He just wanted things to be normal again.

"Mary isn't the type to cheat on you I think… From what I know, she's the most honest and open person I've met. This all feels so off, I don't even know what to tell you. I'm sorry, John."
John wanted to laugh. His wife, honest and open? Not after what had happened last year with Magnussen. But of course he couldn't tell Greg about that. Friend or not, the inspector would definitely have to investigate if he knew that Mary had shot Sherlock.

So John just shrugged and emptied his beer.
"You want another one? It's on me", Greg offered, so John just agreed. He hadn't counted his beers, but one more was okay, he was certain.
"I just don't know if what I do is right. I want to be Mary's husband, the father of her child, the one and only for her, but that doesn't mean I want to give up everything else. Just because we're married doesn't mean we can't have friends, right?
And I want to see Sherlock happy, solve cases with him, be his friend, but… It seems I can only do all of that if I'm his boyfriend, and that's just not fair, is it? How am I supposed to love him when I'm in love with Mary?", the doctor complained as soon as he had had a sip of his new beer.

Greg considered this for a moment, then looked him in the eye and said: "You know, I can't really help you making a decision, but you should just take some time and get clear about your feelings. You need to be unbiased, it doesn't matter if you think you're straight or gay, it doesn't matter that you don't want to give up Mary because you kind of just married her, all that matters are your feelings. Think about that, then you can act.
I should go now, tomorrow will be a long day again. Get some rest, make up your mind tomorrow and then we'll have a look at the situation again, okay?"

He stood up and John waved at him. He wanted to keep sitting a bit, he didn't trust his legs right now. Maybe it had been a beer too much, but what did it matter?
Greg had implied that he could be in love with someone else than Mary, and John hadn't even felt hurt about it. That really confused him.
He kept pondering about that without coming to a solution until his head hurt and he decided he should go home now. He was a bit wobbly on his feet, but he didn't knock anything over on his way out so he supposed he was fine.

It took him ten minutes longer that normal to get home, but finally he sat down on his bed and didn't know what to do now. He should probably go to sleep but so many different thoughts were racing in his head, he just couldn't.

He lay down on the bed, didn't care that he had all his clothes and even his shoes still on, and stared at the ceiling. His life was a mess. How had it ended up like this? All the time before, he'd had clear structures in his life.

His childhood had been normal, he'd had normal friends that played with him at normal times, on the playground or at home. He'd been good in school because he always did his homework, always studied, always did what his parents said. When he went to college, they had been so proud and he had done everything to let it stay this way.
And here he was, lying on his bed, probably drunk, the second day in a row, his life totally screwed up.
When had it changed? When his father died? His mother had broken down and he couldn't cope, but he had gone to the army then, and if that wasn't structure, he didn't know what was.

Had it been the bullet in his shoulder?

Had it been Mike, whom he hadn't seen for years, bringing up old memories again?

Had it been his mother who had refused to talk to him again, leaving him to deal with Harry?

Had it been Harriet herself, calling John when she was drunk, messing up her own life and wanting John to fix it?

Or had it been Sherlock?

John shook his head. It didn't matter. He was here now and he had to get on with his life.
So he rolled over, got Mary's phone and wrote Sophie. He still wasn't sure what to think of her, but she seemed to know more about Mary right now than he did; and also mary had asked him to tell Sophie she was okay, so it could only help to ask her some questions while he was at it.
With slightly shaking fingers, he typed.

23:32 Sophie, are you still up? John.