Aaron sat with his breakfast tray resting on his lap, across the room Hazel was feeding Jackson scrambled egg, he was eating with more enthusiasm than either of them had seen for weeks, although that wasn't saying much, Aaron barely touched his. He just sat in silence, looking as if he hadn't slept and he wouldn't take his eyes off Jackson.
Hazel hadn't slept at all that night instead either; she lay wide awake listening to the muffled voices of Jackson and Aaron. She couldn't hear what was being said, they spoke quietly and the insulation between the floors prevented the syllables reaching her – Jackson had done a good job when renovating the place, but she could hear Aaron crying. She'd never heard him cry like that, the sobs were gut- wrenching and it took all her energy not to go back downstairs. That morning the atmosphere in the room was strained but unusually Jackson wasn't causing it.
There was a small knock on the door, Hazel got up to answer it and found Bob on the other side of the door "Hi."
"Good morning Hazel," Bob spoke enthusiastically, behind him the sun was shining and she could see Edna walking her dog, it was a sharp reminder that a whole world existed beyond Dale Head "All ready?"
"For….?"
Bob narrowed his eyes and shook his head, jokingly exasperated "Our beach trip."
"Oh," Hazel threw up her hands "I completely forgot." And she had, with the awful incident from the previous evening and this strange atmosphere that morning, Hazel hadn't even given it a thought, let alone checked with the boys to see if they minded. "I'm not sure it's a good idea."
Bob reached behind her and pulled the front door, preventing their conversation from reaching inside. "Hazel, we discussed this yesterday."
"I didn't sleep well last night -."
"- All the more reason to come."
"I'm not much company."
"You can ignore me all day if you so please."
Hazel thought for a minute, she didn't know if it was a good idea. Jackson seemed ok this morning but Aaron didn't, but then if Jackson was ok Aaron always perked up and so maybe is quiet mood was just left over from last night's incident. She wasn't sure what to do for the best "I'll speak to Aaron, hold on here."
Whilst she had been away Aaron had picked up the breakfast trays and was heading towards the steps.
"It's Bob, we made arrangements to go to the beach today but I forgot to tell you, I can cancel…"
Jackson was quick to interrupt his mother "No, you should go, get some fresh air." Jackson was talking to her but looking at Aaron, Aaron didn't add to the conversation.
"But –"
"But nothing, tell her Aaron, tell she should go."
"You trying to get rid of me?" Hazel said, good humouredly.
"Mum you should go, it's ok."
Hazel looked towards Aaron for some indication of permission, if he didn't want to be left alone with Jackson then she wouldn't leave, Aaron remained rooted, with the breakfast trays still in hand, he looked towards Jackson and swallowed hard.
"Jackson's right, you have a nice day."
"Ok," she said, unsurely and picked up her bag ready to leave "I'm not sure when I'll be back but call me if you need anything."
"Mum." Hazel turned to her son, he was so small and frail in the bed but there was also a calmness that she hadn't seen in months "I love you."
A few seconds after the door had closed, Jackson turned his head to where Aaron stood, he quickly started towards the stairs but was interrupted by Jackson speaking. "It has to be today."
Aaron had been clutching the trays so tightly that they started to rattle as he shook.
:
"We might not get another chance for a while." Jackson was still in his bed and reasoning to Aaron who was sat in the chair beside him, Aaron didn't respond.
"Aaron?" Jackson gently prompted.
"Today… now." Aaron blinked heavily.
"You said you'd help me."
"But –"
Jackson felt the calm slipping away from him "You said you would."
"But –"
"Aaron you can't back out, everything was ok this morning, everything was ok because of what you said last night. Don't take it back, please don't take it back."
Aaron couldn't believe they were in this place and having this conversation; he numbly sat and watched the tears streak down Jackson's cheeks.
"Ok, how?"
:
Jackson had it all figured out, just as Aaron had feared he'd been researching it on the internet "I think I should just take some pills and fall asleep, I need you to see how much of my medication is left."
Aaron walked over to the medicine cabinet in the wet room and pulled out all of Jackson's medication, studying each and noting the contents. There was Bisphosphonate to help maintain bone mass, Warfarin to prevent blood clotting, aspirin, the last of the antidepressants that Jackson had refused to take, a few more antibiotics from Jackson's chest infection and some sleeping pills. Aaron counted and there were 79 tablets all together.
"It's not enough, you need to go and get some more."
Aaron looked past Jackson, not wanting his words to penetrate.
"It's getting late in the morning, please you said you would."
Aaron bent down a kissed Jackson on the lips "Ok I'll be back."
"Oh, hello." Aaron had been walking down the steps of Smithy Cottage, he legs falling heavily rather than stepping. Rhona was in the kitchen making some tea, Aaron had quickly hidden the nearly full box of Paracetamol in his pocket, it was all he could find in their bathroom except some vitamins and some laxatives but Aaron refused to give Jackson them.
"Didn't know you were in." she was getting a bottle ready for the baby's lunch "can I get you some tea?"
"I'm not staying."
Rhona had been talking distractedly but had paused on hearing Aaron's quiet tone "You ok?"
Aaron liked Rhona, he really liked her, despite being narky with her and acting like she always got in the way. Aaron especially liked how happy she made Paddy, it was so important that he had someone.
"Yeah."
Rhona cocked her head questionably, not trusting his words "You wanna feed the baby?"
Aaron scrunched up his nose "No." it was a game they played, where Aaron pretended that the baby was a big inconvenience.
She smiled back knowingly "Well if you change your mind."
Aaron paused for a second taking in his surroundings, ever since Rhona moved in the place was a mess – not dirty just messy, she'd been there officially for 4 months and Aaron only just noticed the state of it.
"Where's Paddy?"
"Out on his rounds, he finishes around 5ish."
Aaron looked to his hands; he really wanted to see him "Oh right."
"You can ring him though."
"No it's no bother, just wanted to talk to him about something."
"Can I help?"
Aaron shock his head softly "No."
Rhona studied him for a moment "Aaron – "
"- I've got to go."
Rhona nodded, just as Aaron reached the door he turned back to her "You and Paddy – it's for keeps isn't it"
Rhona's brows lifted and she cocked her head again "I hope so." she smiled
"Me too."
:
Aaron popped into Layla's shop afterwards and brought another two boxes of Paracetamol, in total he had over a hundred pills, enough for Jackson. He'd gone from there over to the park and silently sat on the swings, there were no children around and every now and again he would rock his heels and cause the swing to move. Mostly though he just sat and stared, eventually he knew he had to return.
He absently looked at his watch, surprised to see that it was half one, Aaron had no idea how he had consumed two hours, Jackson would be getting worried. Before Aaron reached for the door of Dale Head, he took one last look around the village, surrounding it he could see the beautiful slopping hills and a flock of sheep grazing. He'd never cared before but this was going to be the last time he looked around when things are normal, after this moment everything would change.
Aaron paused, spotting his mother outside the Woolpack, she was collecting glasses, he stopped for a moment before heading in her directions but didn't managed to reach her before she entered, Aaron hesitated, thinking he should return to Jackson but he wanted to see her.
"Hi love," Chastity beamed as her son approached the bar, the pub was still a little busy from the lunch time trade
"Hi Mum."
"You gonna join me for some food, I'm having a break in about half an hour."
Aaron really wished he could "I need to get back to Jackson."
Chastity scrunched up her face sullenly "Come on love, I never see you. Just half an hour, Hazel can cope without you for a bit."
"She's gone to the beach, Jackson's on his own."
"Oh." She pursed her lips upset but understanding "What did you come in for?"
Aaron looked at his mother, he'd wasted so much time hating her and it all seemed so pointless now. This was going to be the last time that she looked at him with any affection, after today it will all be over. "Just wanted to say hello."
Chastity wrinkled her nose and a grin split her cheeks "You're a funny boy you are… but a good one." She leant over the bar and kissed his cheek.
"I've gotta go."
"How about tomorrow, I'm off – let me take you into town and spoil you a bit."
Aaron smiled at her gently "Ok."
:
Aaron reached Dale Head to find Jackson in a panic "Where have you been?"
"I'm sorry I got distracted."
"You've been hours." Jackson had been crying, his eyes were puffy "I thought you had changed your mind."
Aaron shook his head.
"Did you speak to anyone?
"….Yeah."
Jackson started gasping "About what we are going to do?"
"It's ok, no one knows." Aaron watched Jackson visibly relax; he silently pulled out the three boxes of pills and showed them to Jackson reassuringly. Jackson closed his eyes and took a deep breath "I need to eat something."
Aaron raised an eyebrow
"If I take them on an empty stomach I might be sick".
"You've done your research." Aaron stared at the three boxes in his hand.
"I just need a sandwich or something."
Aaron rattled the boxes slightly, the sound they made was pleasant.
"Aaron…"
"Ok."
:
He'd made them a couple of cheese sandwiches and then dressed Jackson, he was still in his night clothes. Throughout the duration Jackson had been impatient, worried that his mother would return too early, but Aaron knew that wouldn't happen – the beach was too far a drive. "You can't go in your pyjamas Jackson." Aaron had insisted.
Aaron stood in the kitchen grinding up the tablets, Jackson thought it would be the easiest way to consume them and the quickest; he assured Aaron that he would feel no pain. There was a lot of pills.
"I don't think you need this many." Aaron called but Jackson wanted to be doubly sure. Aaron sat by Jackson's bed, he wasn't ready to do this yet he needed some more time with his Jackson.
"How do you feel?"
"I feel good… calm. I'm ready to get out."
Aaron could feel the tears filling his eye, they refused to fall and instead his vision became blurry "You say it like you expect to go somewhere."
"I don't know what to expect, I'm not sure I expect anything."
"Jackson I don't think there is anything." Jackson shook his head sadly agreeing.
"Which means you won't be able to enjoy it or appreciate that you're not in a wheel chair, they'll be nothing."
"I know."
"You won't feel the relief."
"Nope."
The tears in Aaron's eyes still hadn't fallen, he picked up Jackson's hand and kissed it.
"Aaron, you are the perfect boyfriend." Jackson closed his eyes "Just nine months too late."
One of the tears fell down Aaron's cheek "This is all my fault."
"No it's not."
Aaron nodded hitching as another tear fell, Jackson didn't cry, he didn't want their last moments to be accompanied by tears.
"You could have done things differently, so could I. Not answered the phone for one. And mostly I should have heard what you said to me before the crash"
Aaron looked at him confused.
"When you said you needed me, when you said I was the best thing that ever happened to you, when you said 'you've got me'."
Aaron bit on his bottom lip, trying to stop the tears.
"I thought that the absence of you saying 'I loved you' outweighed any other words, but I was so wrong, cause look at you, look at where we are, " Jackson locked eyes with Aaron resolutely "I love you more than I ever knew possible."
Aaron broke down, not stopping the tears
"Come now," Jackson gently implored "it's time we got on..."
Aaron had had to use a small pitcher of juice to accommodate all the medication but it was more like slush and difficult for Jackson to swallow. When he finally drained the last drop it was quarter to three. Aaron stayed sat looking at Jackson, from the moment he finished the concoction Aaron had felt numb, he looked around the room then back to Jackson but he was in slow motion.
"It will be just like falling asleep." A tear fell from Jackson's eye and Aaron reached out to wipe it away, he couldn't feel Jackson's skin or the wet tear, he was as numb as Jackson.
"Will you stay with me?"
Aaron nodded affectionately "Of course but I need to clean up the pill bottles in the kitchen; we don't want Hazel to see them when she returns."
Aaron reached the top of the stairs and entered the kitchen without feeling sensation or recollecting his movements; he knew this was his destination yet was still unsure of how he got there. Aaron looked around the small kitchen noting how tidy it was; it used to be a bedroom until they had to relocate the kitchen to make space for the wet room. The only mess was from Aaron making his potion earlier.
He collected the empty bottles and packaging and threw them in the bin and then washed the knife and cutting board used to grind up the pills, finally he wiped down the surface. He was careful not to knock the remaining pills.
Aaron stood above them noting their colour and shape. Some were pink and round others were long and had a two toned red and yellow shell, most of them were white. All together Aaron had found 158 tablets, this made for a nice even number and easy to divide, Aaron had tried to make sure that each pile had the same amount of each pill.
"Aaron, what are you doing?" Jackson called from down stairs.
"I won't be long, just sorting a couple of things."
He looked at the pills for a second before picking them up and swallowing them, only stopping to take a gulp of water.
A couple of minutes later Aaron walked back down the stairs "Sorry I took so long, how do you feel?"
"I'm ok, I don't feel anything, I'm just going to sleep remember."
"Yeah." Aaron stood over him, watching before carefully moving Jackson closer to the far side of the bed, he then climbed up lying next to him.
"I'm glad you're with me."
Aaron twisted his head and gently kissed Jackson's temple.
"Don't worry Jackson, I won't leave you."