Random Rizzles Phonecalls
Self-Defense Against Phones
Rating: T (mainly for language)
Summary: Title is a reference to Monty Python's Self-Defence Against Fruit sketch. The story itself was inspired by 'meow', who read 'The Story of well, sex' by tika12001 and then wrote this review:
Do you take prompts from guest reviewers, too? Cause I've got one: Maura asks Jane to teach her some self-defence techniques (Jane should know a thing or two about that; she's a cop, after all), they end up on the floor with one of them on her back and the other straddling her, and... well, I'm sure you can take it from there ;)
This story is my non-smutty take on meow's prompt. Maybe I'll write an M-rated version as well (not sure yet, so for now, you'll have to make do with the T-rated one :)
Long(ish) chapter alert.
"Hey Maur, what day is it?"
"Le Quatorze Juillet."
"Le what?"
"July 14. National holiday of France."
"Really? I could've sworn it was the first of April, 'cause there's no way this article isn't a hoax." I lowered my newspaper a bit and pointed to the article in question. It was about some guy in Quincy who had robbed a bank, tried to run away with the money, but had been stopped by a flying cell phone hitting him in the back of the head, knocking him unconscious. "Please tell me that's scientifically impossible."
Maura's hazel eyes skimmed over the text as she took a sip from her fancy organic coffee. "It's very unlikely, but not impossible. If that phone was thrown with enough force and hit the bank robber's head in just the right area..."
"So you think BPD should start teachin' us about self-defense against phones? Y'know, just in case Cell Phone Guy comes to Boston one day to try and knock out some more bank robbers, but accidentally hits a cop instead?"
"I don't think that's necessary. Besides, I'm not sure if there are any self-defense techniques that work against flying cell phones." Maura frowned like she often did when she didn't know something. "But maybe you could teach me a few things about self-defense? Against people, not cell phones."
Captain Obvious, Doc. "What makes you think I know stuff about self-defense?"
"Uhm... the fact that you're a cop?"
I couldn't help but smile. "Tooshie."
"Touché," Maura corrected me. "From the French verb, toucher, which means to touch. The way you pronounced the word, it's a slang expression for gluteus maximus."
My eyes rolled upwards almost of their own volition. "Enough with the French stuff already! Why d'you want me to teach you about self-defense?"
"Well, I hope I'll never have to use my skills for real, but I'd just feel safer if I knew what to do in certain situations. Please?"
"... Fine. My place, tonight, after work?" Let's hope we get home at a decent hour, 'cause with our jobs, you can never be sure.
"Yes to the time, but how about we do this at my house? There's some leftover non-alcoholic beer in the fridge, and a yoga room with a padded floor, so we won't hurt ourselves during my lesson."
"Sounds good." I took a sip from my tea and forced myself to swallow the pale greenish liquid. I'd very much have preferred coffee, but Maura had made it very clear that I wasn't allowed to drink anything alcoholic and/or caffeinated while pregnant. Fuck you, Casey, I thought. This is so unfair - in a few months, I'll have gained about 30 pounds and waddle around like a fat penguin, and he just got to walk away like nothing had happened. Maybe I should start battin' for the other team... I'd probably have to deal with a lot of gossip and dumb remarks, but at least another woman wouldn't be able to get me pregnant again.
"Jane?"
"Huh?"
"Your phone's ringing."
"Oh, thanks." I took the call. "Rizzoli... Okay, Maura and I'll be there in a few."
Saturday afternoon
When we finally got home on Thursday night (more like Friday morning), both Maura and I were too tired to do anything but sleep. Saturday morning we spent running errands, but the afternoon found us in Maura's yoga room, both of us dressed in workout attire - me, a BPD Athletics T-shirt and the first pair of sweatpants I'd found in my closet, and Maura, some yoga capris and an old Red Sox tank top, which I recognized as my own. "You like wearing my clothes, huh?" I teased her, only to choke on saliva when her hands instantly went to the hem of the garment. "Maura!"
She rushed over to me, concern evident in her eyes as she went into Dr Isles mode. "Jane, are you alright? I thought you wanted your tank top back..."
"Yeah yeah, I'm fine. Just didn't expect you to start strippin' in front of me before we'd even been on a first date." Trying not to make a face at my bad joke, I quickly changed topic: "Uh, yeah, self-defense. Let's start with something easy, okay?"
"Yes please."
"Okay, uhm..." I stepped forward, reaching for Maura's wrist in the process. "Pretend you're at a bar or something, and there's this guy who grabs your wrist and tries to drag you outside. What do you do?"
Maura tried to yank her wrist out of my grip, but I held on. "Try again."
She did. "Please let me go."
"Sorry Maur, but this guy really wants to take you home, whether you want it or not." And I can't really blame him, Maura Isles is sexy as he... umph!
Next thing I knew, Maura was standing two feet away from me, and my fingers were no longer around her wrist. I blinked a few times, frowned, and cleared my throat. "Wait a sec... How did you do that?"
"I distracted you, hoping it would make you loosen your grip so that I could get free." Her grin was entirely too smug for my liking. "It worked."
"Clearly," I grumbled half to myself, trying not to think about the fact that my female and, as far as I knew, 100% straight best friend had just kissed me. Self-defense lesson, Rizzoli. Focus. "Well, that was a nice move, Maur, but let's say the guy's got really bad breath or something and you absolutely don't wanna kiss him."
She tilted her head, waiting for me to continue.
"In that case, you could distract him by slapping him, kicking his shin, or kneeing him in the balls." I took half a step back. "It'd be nice if you didn't demonstrate those things on me, though."
"Don't worry, I'd never put my knee, or any part of my body, anywhere near your genital area..." Maura stepped closer to me, standing on her tiptoes so that she could whisper into my ear. "...unless you wanted me to."
"WHAT?! Maura, what the hell is wrong with you? I thought I was supposed to be the sex-crazed hormonal person here..."
She backed off, holding up her hands in the universal gesture of surrender. "I'm sorry, that was inappropriate of me. Uhm, do you want me to leave?"
Taking a deep breath, I forced my racing heart to calm down a little. "Nah, it's fine. I promised to teach you about self-defense, and I always keep my promises. Let's move on to the next lesson, shall we?"
Two hours later, I'd shown Maura everything I knew about self-defense, except one thing. I just didn't know how to bring up this particular topic, but Maura took the job away from me: Laying down on her back, she pulled me down with her so that I landed kneeling between her legs, with my hands on either side of her shoulders. "Uhm..."
"Jane, I certainly hope I'll never end up in a position like this, but I do want to know how to get out of it."
"What, you don't like havin' me on top of you?" I joked, trying to diffuse this weird kind of tension between us. Maura shook her head no: "With you, I don't mind. But if it was that fictional guy from the bar trying to rape me..."
"Alright, alright, I get it." I rolled over onto my back, spreading my legs a bit and motioning for her to get in between them. "I'll show you what to do, and then you can try it on me."
She nodded once, teeth nibbling her lower lip in nervousness. Forcing myself to look into her eyes rather than down the neck of her (my) tank top, I grabbed both her wrists this time. Maura's eyebrow arched up as if to say, 'How is this going to help you in this situation?'
In response, I let go of her wrists and pushed against her right shoulder. To keep from falling over, she instinctively braced her weight with her right hand. "Oh, that's why you grabbed my wrists."
"Yep." I re-established my grip before explaining and demonstrating the next step: "Okay, now you sort of twist onto your right side, put your left foot against the guy's left thigh right above his knee, and-"
Maura made a small 'Oomph' noise as she rolled off of me, my grip on her wrists preventing her from bracing herself like she'd done earlier. "Wow. Uhm, what would I do after this? In a real situation, I mean?"
"Get up from the ground, run away as fast as you can, and call the cops."
"Okay. Can I try it now?"
"Sure." Once again, I kneeled in between her spread legs. I felt Maura grab my wrists, a kick against my left thigh, and then my best friend was straddling my thighs and smirking down at me like the cat that ate the canary (the canary being me, obviously). "How do you like this position, Detective?"
"Well..." I reached for Maura's wrists and bent my knees, my feet planted firmly on the floor. It was a bit of a struggle, but eventually I managed to buck and twist her off of my body, giving me the opportunity to straddle her again. "I think I like this position better."
"Oh really?" Her smirk was still the same, but her eyes had changed: There was just a small ring of hazel visible around a huge black pupil. I didn't have time to wonder if this was caused by the low lighting or something else before Maura used my own trick on me, leant down, and kissed the grin off my face. When oxygen became a necessity, we briefly broke apart to gasp for air, looked at each other, and dove right in for more.
A/N: Please leave a review on the way out. *runs and hides*