Nine

I'll wait as long as it takes

For you to find grace

It's been here all along

Darth Vader fell into another fitful sleep, having visions of the past and words he swore to forget. His chest heaved in the overwhelming ache that stayed there, picking at his heart, ripping it into shreds. He felt as if a weight was put on his chest, just as he always did, and he didn't bother to try to remove it.

You were my brother, came a broken soul in the night. Vader only clutched his head, willing himself to dream better dreams. I loved you.

All he wanted was the numb covering of the darkness. Why couldn't it be that way again?

You are strong and wise, Anakin. And you have become a far greater Jedi than I could ever hope to be…

Obi Wan believed he was strong. Strong and wise. Vader slammed his head back against his chair, pushing away the many thoughts that lived behind his eyes.

I will not fight Anakin...came one more, one that Vader hadn't been present for. And then came his angel's voice. There's good in him, I know. I know there is still…

How? His empty voice echoed in his heart. How could she see me that way after all...after all that I did? After all that I was? With all that I wasn't? How could she believe in someone like me, when I can't even believe I have a reason to exist?

Because you do have a reason to exist. The light rushed to his side, kissing away at his temple, leaving silent promises of holding back the bad dreams. Vader felt his resolve slipping, closing his eyes as nausea filled his throat and chest. His mind warned him of what would happen if he were to try and aim for the light's makeshift promises. They wouldn't work! He'd die trying! If he were to let the light hold him, he would finally see! And he didn't want to see. He would go mad.

Come away with me, leave everything behind while we still can.

The Sith Lord closed his eyes tighter, choking back a sob. I can't hold it, he apologized to the darkness. Help me hold it.

But the darkness didn't come. Even in his despair, he found only light in his mind. In his soul. He shivered violently, realizing what had happened. He hadn't accepted the light, but he also didn't push it away. The darkness feared the light, and clearly, it was shrinking away. Vader almost laughed at the dark, mocking its cowardliness.

But then he realized that he belonged to that same cowardliness. The dark wasn't holding him, but his fear held him back from the warm light as well. He was nowhere to be found.

"Are my even a Sith?" he asked out loud.

You are only a man.

Vader's breath hitched and the remaining pieces of his limbs covered in goosebumps, and he felt the pit inside of him yelling in despair. He wanted to scream until all the darkness was out, but his throat was closing up and he could hardly breathe.

I'm NO man, came his throaty cry. I'm only a machine.

Machines don't have souls.

And I don't either.

The light tentatively held Vader's hand, caressing his mechanical palms until they felt like fire. Good fire.

If you had no soul, you wouldn't be trying to save it.

Vader looked down at his large boots, feeling as if he was too small for his own armor. He felt smaller than his body. Smaller than his heart. In his smallness, he hadn't realized he was even aiming for peace. I don't have a purpose, I've never tried at all. I'm not trying to save my soul, I'm trying to die.

You know there is hope, you just don't know where it is yet.

The man reached out, searching each compartment of his brain, holding his thoughts in a fist, begging for the answer he was searching for. What hope? No hope! No hope!

You don't know where it is yet, the light said again. And you won't until you find it.

But hope is so far away, his mind went on. How could hope exist in this madness? The galaxy was crumbling due to the earthquake that he started in his emerging blackness, and now the spiral that was twisting over the lives of many resounded like a drill in the center of Vader's chest.

Broken, yes. But all broken things can be rebuilt. Even souls.

Teach me…he asked finally. Teach me to live.

Then follow.

Vader looked toward the door, catching something before his eyes as if he was seeing a trail of fireflies. But they held a bluish color and they waited patiently for the lost one to follow. He had to blink sometimes to see them. It hurt his forehead to focus on them and his lack of humanity made him want to vomit.

Follow...the kind voice whispered and he did as he was asked.

Now Vader sat in the cockpit of his shuttle, eyes shut tightly, and his heart beating loudly on his sleeve. When he closed his eyes, the images blurred around him, like a kaleidoscope of memories. Roses, Padme, fire, the twin suns, smiling children, true joy, waterfalls…

His heart collided with these images, and he looked to the light and said softly, "I won't run anymore."

The light side of the force danced in delight around him, covering him with a warmth that he had waited to embrace him again.

Remember that rose plant? The one with the pretty petals and thorns? The one I keep at my wife's house?

I will start by expressing the deep gratitude I have for its lively color, hugged by dark green stems and placed in a wooden pot. Even though I feel fruitless as my little strength fades away, that stupid plant sways happily as if mocking me, saying, "Look, I'm growing! Look, I'm strong." And I hate that plant. Every time I touch it, it's outstretched arms never fail to puncture me.

And then Padme cares for the same plant and it's as if the plant has poured its sweet fragrance on my wife, and she is just as beautiful, if not more. She doesn't draw blood. She simply waters the friendly nature, speaks kind words of encouragement, saying "Grow strong." And it does, without question.

All of this gets me thinking about me. And Padme. And what we are to each other.

Padme is everything that I am not. She is a candle in the dark and the reason in the reasonless. Her touch makes the sand storm of my heart run wild, and the part of me that has freedom gets a small chance to grow. Her words pour out strength into my mind and my heart, and my lungs. And her lips say nothing less than, "My beautiful one," and "You are a hero, whether you believe it or not."

But then I wonder about the effect I have on her. Do I draw blood? Do I cause an infinite drought in her soul? Am I harming her?

Padme is an angelic being, and I...I don't bear the righteousness to touch her hands. To kiss her deeply. To be her husband. I will never be enough for her. But yet, she doesn't say so, and she hasn't asked me to leave.

I know this isn't healthy, wondering where I stand. But I'm gone for so long sometimes, and I fear...what might happen if she were to find someone good and pure. If she were to find someone just like her-

perfect.

Truly, I know she isn't perfect. I've seen her uptightness. I've seen her frustration. But they all come from this blazing heart of gold. And then I have my frustrations, and I am so mentally unstable that I don't know where my burdens even begin.

Last night was one of the first times in a long time I felt loved. I had the chance to go home to my heart and my broken wings found a bit of strong wind to fly again. So why do I feel this way?

I need help. I need someone's help.

But who? Who will help me?

Two orange suns set into the oblivion of the planet's surface, reflecting a warm glow on every turned eye and each stark structure. The sand looks like fire, the Jedi observed, pulling his brown cloak over his eyes to protect himself from the bright light of the suns.

It had become a daily occasion to watch the sun rise and set. His mind would drift to many far away places, many times in the past of laughing and adventure. His mind wondered what it was like growing up for Anakin, on this oppressing planet, slavery and all. His heart ached for the ones who still lived this way and he mentally cursed at himself for doing little to stop it, even now.

But Obi Wan knew he couldn't get involved. He didn't have the resources to fund the freeing of slaves and any violence would likely result in the Sith uncovering his whereabouts. Obi Wan refused to think about what would happen if he was found by the Sith, especially Vader. If the Sith Lord wanted to kill him, then so be it. His purpose wasn't to destroy the Sith, for he couldn't do that even if he tried his hardest. His purpose was to protect the boy and pray the force would allow him to train, and then put an end to the blazing tyranny and oppression.

Letting his mind flow deeper, Obi Wan found an odd speck of light out in space, a compromised being, yet he tried to ignore it. These feelings often left him disappointed, realizing that there were many good people in the galaxy...and Anakin would never be one of them again.

If only…

No, this was the light side. The force. Obi Wan breathed in deeper, trying to locate the passing sunbeam. To his horror and satisfaction, he felt the life force approaching him, as if they could recognize him. The Jedi could only hope that that the kind light had good intentions.

Obi Wan shrugged, pulling away from his focus, putting his things back into his satchel.

The words from Anakin's journal met his heart as he placed the leather object into the bag. I need help. I need someone's help.

You did, and I'm so sorry.

Obi Wan briefly remembered a memory he had of several weeks back when he passed subtly through Mos Eisley. Tatooine has its beautiful features, such as its suns and its bright blue sky. But it didn't pass much farther than that. The planet was scattered with poverty, pain filled eyes walked the streets, and broken hearts sat in every corner.

Obi Wan recalled one lone twi'lek, sitting quietly on the side of the road, with eyes filled with tears. Her clothes were torn apart and her eyes betrayed the image she portrayed. She was a prostitute, clearly. But she had her arms wrapped around her body, trying to keep watchful eyes from catching sight of her. Her efforts failed, but Obi Wan's heart was saddened by this image.

But he kept walking past, accepting that this was the way. There was nothing he could do about it.

Why do I always fail to act when I'm needed the most?

Because you're blind master! You can't even live because all you can see is your stupid code!

The Jedi nodded at the memory, knowing his padawan was right.

Enough was enough. His remorse would get him nowhere. All it would do was keep his walls around him and shut out every broken soul on the planet and keep him in a place more broken than all. He needed to be free!

The light streamed closer to the planet's surface, Obi Wan realized. The darkness was lessening. He breathed in deeply, taking in the presence of the newcomer, but he couldn't grasp it. It was as if nobody was supposed to feel that light. Nobody was supposed to know that light existed.

Of course, they were hiding. No wise soul would let the light scream out from the inside of them, breaking through the darkness of each imperial troop. But this was off...this was strange. He couldn't grasp the being. It was like the being knew this and took pride in catching the older Jedi off guard.

Turning on his heel, he headed toward his new home as he did every night. But he knew that sleep wouldn't come easy with this nagging in the back of his brain, saying "Listen."

"You never listen, Anakin."

I was so angry that I could feel my face growing scarlet at the mere glance of his eyes. My sight seemed to have a red filter to it and my brain was working in painful circles. I never listen?

All I do is listen.

"Me?" came my sarcastic response, filled with bitterness and a grudge that hadn't fully faded. "Well, what about you, huh? Do you always listen? Sure, maybe you listen to orders...but do you listen to yourself? You're a broken record. Your words mean nothing eventually. The things you talk about mean nothing."

My master looked at me as if puzzled. Surprised even. I had no such response to his reaction. Only a deep planted anger that I hadn't realized was there.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about, Anakin. You have such a temper! Someday you're going to be in grave trouble for it!"

Someday.

My mother's cold body seems to seep into my brain whenever my temper is mentioned. And then I relive each man's death and I have to snap myself out of my trance and focus on the topic at hand.

"I don't have a temper! You're just wearing out my patience!" My response couldn't have been much worse as I screamed, face red and all.

"Your patience!?"

At this point I was no longer in the room, no longer facing my master. Over and over, I can't stop asking myself, why? Why did I react in such a way? I have no reason. Why did I snap? Obi Wan would often point out my flaws and I would mostly respond in a civilized manner. But today…

Today is different. Obi Wan doesn't understand. It's my anniversary and I can't even see my wife. I can't even feel her. She's so far away and I can't…

I can't be there.

I don't need to listen right now, Obi Wan does. All he has to do is hear the tone in my voice or the way it cracks every time I'm lost in thought. I feel terrible inside, and yet I don't understand why. I will see Padme soon. Soon. Oh, force, I hope so.

Obi Wan needs to let me be. Obi Wan needs to listen.

A warm, loving light remained in the cockpit of Vader's shuttle, hugging his arms with gold and holding his damaged heart with warm fingers. The voice never wavered as Vader's pain pushed through, and the light successfully fought off each vile demon that tried to pull Vader's mind away.

Vader felt different for sure. Not new, but different. It wasn't like he was a Sith of any kind, and it wasn't like he was a Jedi either. No. This time he felt like he had just emerged from a creek of refreshing waters or returned from soaring harmlessly through a cluster of stars. His heart was as heavy as a brick, but at least he felt as if he wasn't holding onto it alone.

Who are you? Vader asked the voice in curiosity. His instincts told him that he wasn't simply talking to the force. It could never be as simple as that.

Who are you? The voice returned, a humorous edge to it. To Vader's disbelief, he felt no sense of anger at the Voice's remark. In fact, he almost laughed. Oh...what a beautiful feeling to want to laugh.

Me, he whispered mentally, letting his ship sit in the midst of space. I am...I am a…

Not what. Who?

"Who?" He echoed back, out loud. He stayed silent, contemplating it himself. Who was he, in reality? Was he anything more than a Sith apprentice?

But you aren't a Sith Apprentice.

Aren't I?

The light rested like mist on his shoulders, massaging his strong muscles and sending waves of color through his system. And his eyes went wide, for the first time in forever, seeing blues and yellows.

It's okay to be clueless.

Vader did laugh this time, for a brief moment.

Then I guess I'm okay, he told the light.

Though he couldn't see the light, he knew its carrier was nodding. He knew its carrier so well. It was as if…

Are you Padme? He asked the light, careful not to let his voice break.

The light was silent for a moment, quietly swarming around him like a tornado, leaving sweet flavors in the air and kissing his cheeks with unfamiliar warmth.

Good observation, but no. I'm close, though.

Vader could almost hear the soft purr of her laugh. His disappointment was not hidden. Who could ever be 'close' to Padme? Padme was everything. Nothing could compare.

'Close' grew a new meaning as he approached the dreaded planet, wondering why the light had led him to such an unpleasant place.

What if the close they spoke of was not only in a matter of saying that his guess was almost right, but rather in comparison to distance. Maybe his answer would be found on Tatooine.

You already know the answer, deep inside.

Vader shook his head, looking down at his lap. He decided to change the subject. Why Tatooine?

Healing.

No. Tatooine doesn't heal. It opens up new wounds.

To close a wound, you must go to where it was opened.

NO.

A part of me awaits you below. Walk among the sands and find true joy.

Nononononononono…

Joy...

Obi Wan Kenobi followed his inner voice, and he listened intently, trying to picture what was on the other end of a golden ribbon that had just found its way invisible in the clouds. It stretched from the surface of the planet, all the way up to the skies. It was a link, from one heart to its other.

Listen, the force told him. Listen carefully.

His innermost thoughts became clouded with sounds. Sounds of the good, sounds of the evil.

The business of Coruscant, a drilling sound, a shattered heart breaking into pieces, a deep breath, a furious "No," a heartbroken sigh, a ship's buzz, the sound of pure love, the sound of pure hatred. His insides turned as something became clear, that still, he could not grasp. The twin sun's met the in corner of his eye, and his thoughts fell to Luke and Leia and he wondered how long they must be apart. Obi Wan could hear the tug of the golden ribbons, and he could see with his own eyes, as if real, as they fell down, circling around each other, due to the nearness of its approaching heart.

He's my master, came a young voice, that he knew all too well. I love him like a father, like a brother. I'd like to tell him, but I don't know how he'd react. He deserves so much and I have so little to give him. But the thing is, I don't know how to give him the one thing he wants. He only wants my obedience. But that's hard. The only thing I know to give is love.

Obi Wan's heart shattered, in a relieved spirit as he looked up to the sky, sensing immediately who was coming his way, and he wondered if this intruder even knew who he was coming to. For the first time since Mustafar, Obi Wan grew hopeful.

So that's that! I know it's really long in comparison to my previous chapters, but I won't be updating for a week so I hope it satisfies. I know it isn't the nicest place to make you wait though. I'm super, super excited to post this though. I hope you'll leave comments and reviews.

Again, the lyrics are from Rest by Nevertheless.

I'm not sure what else there is to say but hope to hear from you all next weekend. Love ya,

Jenna