"I'm the one to blame for this
Yes I'm the one to blame

Best known for failure
Best known for giving up
There's nothing I can say that can matter
That can matter enough"
- New Found Glory / At Least I'm Known For Something

Finally, we made it into the roundabout. A small circle of shops and the town's only hotel.

Luckily for us, our favorite barber shop also happened to be here. It didn't look crowded either.

"What the hell is up with your hair though?" I had probably asked him a million times so far, but I just couldn't get over it.

"Eh, I was at a frat party… You know how those get. Or maybe you don't."

I was suddenly extremely interested. I didn't know a lot about frat parties. I was invited to a few, but honestly, I preferred to drink with a small group of people if not just me alone.

Zell, however, was more sociable than I was. Especially when it came to other men. Zell knew sports. That's what men liked to talk about, right? I dunno. I don't know anything about what "men" like.

"Big drinker, are you Zell?"

"Well, I admit to having my moments… don't tell my mother."

"I won't tell your mother, you idiot." What kind of person would even do that? I snorted to myself upon realizing that Zell didn't know the half of my problems with the liquid.

"Zell, are you still a virgin?"

Zell got bright red in the face. "Wh-what?"

"Have you had sex?"

"Shh!" He shoved his finger in his face for emphasis. "Hyne, Squall, I can't believe you'd ask me that- and so loud too." He whimpered.

"What's the big deal, Zell? I'm a virgin. Want me to shout it from the mountaintops?"

"Yeah. Do it."

I shrugged and cupped my hands around my mouth. "I'm a vir—"

He immediately extended his arms and grabbed my elbows. "I was kidding, Squall!"

"Yeah, but seriously, who cares? Why is it anyone's business?"

Zell pouted a bit. "If it's not your business then why are you asking?"

"Based on your reactions, I'm going to assume you are, and that you're embarrassed by it."

Zell sighed. "Well, if you absolutely must know, I've done a little bit."

"A little bit? What's a little bit?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows.

"You know…" Zell made a motion with his hand and cheek.

I chucked at the childishness. "Oh." I leaned against the wall. "So what's it like?"

Zell blinked in surprise. "You mean you've never- not even…?"

I shook my head.

"Wow, really?"

I frowned. A bit offended. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I just figured you'd get whatever you wanted…"

I sighed. "Why?"

"Because. You're attractive and intelligent, and all and all a great guy. Someone has to scoop that up. I mean, cmon."

Zell didn't understand that just because I looked like a whore didn't mean I was one. It didn't mean anything. My face was the most insignificant thing about me.

"Look, not that I'm saying just because you can get everyone, you should. I'm saying I thought you'd… test the waters with someone."

"Like you did?"

Zell sulked. "This was about my hair, why are we even talking about this?"

I sighed. "I dunno. I was just curious."

Zell shrugged. "I guess it's natural to be curious… Well, look. It felt good, sure, but it wasn't…" He ran a frustrated hand through his hair and gave a large exhale from his nose. He motioned over to the alleyway, apparently still embarrassed. Not that we were even speaking loudly.

That's when I realized that Zell might be having issues too. I'm such an idiot. I was so worried about myself that I neglected to realize the small hints of, 'Come to school with me. I miss you.' or 'let's talk about you because I don't want to talk about school.'

We walked over and sat at the restaurant's outdoor seating across the alleyway.

He frowned, avoiding looking at me by staring at a few blades of surplus long grass sticking above the rest.

"Zell, all I've been talking about since we got home was myself. I wanna talk about you too, okay?"

Yet, it was still so selfish. I wanted to help Zell deal with his problems because I didn't want to deal with my own anymore. I was quite possibly the worst person I had ever encountered.

He gave a hitched sigh. "I met a few guys at school… and it only seemed natural to just… go to bed with them, you know? I mean…I guess. Maybe I'm easy, I don't know. Whatever."

I frowned.

"Well, they never lasted long either way."

That's when I realized how ridiculously strong Zell had to be. For himself. For his mother. For me.

I hated it. But I hated myself more. I couldn't put on this brave face. I was suffering and everyone knew. They could smell it on my skin. They could taste it in the air. Zell was depressed over something, and he wasn't letting it get the best of him.

I knew that feeling inside and out.

"After the second, and last, time I got dumped…all I could think about was you." He blushed and looked down. "I thought about sending you a text or calling you all the time." He shrugged. "I just didn't know how you'd feel."

"I thought about you a lot, too. I missed you. I would have been happy to hear from you."

That was a partial lie. The only times I thought about Zell was between classes. When I wasn't drunk or busy with school work. At night, my thoughts basically consisted of alcohol, school work, and keeping myself in check.

Still, those minutes in-between my classes filled me with emptiness. Longing for a partner of sorts. Occasionally, I had Irvine, but the differences in majors was causing me a gap that I couldn't fill. I wanted a constant companion.

Then it hit me. That's not what Zell meant. Zell wanted me to be his. I was doing the exact same thing those other two had done. I was using Zell to fill a need of mine and then I was going to toss him aside like he didn't mean anything. The only difference was that I actually realized how Zell felt and I was doing nothing to stop myself.

I'm so unnecessarily cruel sometimes. It kills me to think that I could even be this way. My mother didn't raise me like this.

I felt a deep pain and unsatisfactory discomfort begin to churn inside me. I was a monster. It was only a matter of time before that monster became too big for me to handle. This beast that I had been fighting was going to win this battle- and the hardest part to deal with was, I wouldn't be the only one being ripped to shreds in the process.

My life was a fucking train wreck.

"Zell, I… I don't know what the hell to say. I love you, I do, but I'm just not good for anyone right now. I'm a mess. As much as you think you can, you can't fix me. It's something I need to do. For myself."

Zell smiled a bit and nodded. "I knew that. I guess I just needed to be reminded. Squall, listen, stop trying to deal with this thing by yourself. Whatever it is, or if it's just everything. I know I can't fix you, but I can try to help heal you."

"Zell…"

"Don't bother." He stood and leaned down in a bear hug. I chuckled while I still had my breath.

I stood as he released me and we headed back to the barber shop. This time, we actually opened the door and walked in.

Zell took a seat and grabbed an old issue of Timber Maniacs.

That gesture alone meant that he wanted no say in whatever haircut I was to get. Well, that was all well and dandy with me too. I was about to tell him to surprise me, when he smiled, remembering my face, and went, "the usual?"

I smiled fondly as I remembered what "the usual" was. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay nostalgic long.

I needed to disappoint him. That concept as a whole was nothing new to me. "Just a trim actually."

Then again, my hair had grown a lot since then.

As I sat down in the barber's chair, I couldn't help but remember a time when we were young and our mothers would dictate our haircuts.

Basically, I liked my hair a little longer than most guys. Ironically, I also liked it out of my eyes, which based on my avoidant personality, didn't make much sense. Still, I had a set in stone hairstyle. I looked up into the mirror and stared at myself.

It's a weird thing- staring at your reflection. You see other people all day every day, but looking at yourself, your appearance, your facial expression… It's strange, to stay the least. I never really thought about whether I found myself attractive or not. It's strange that I hold other people up to a certain standard. Isn't it weird how you notice whether people are attractive or not?

It's just interesting to me. I wonder what we base it on. I suppose if everything psychologists have been studying for centuries is true- that we look for a significant other who has traits of our parents or some such thing- that "attractive" is nothing more than "familiar". Perhaps that's why people who you don't find physically appealing grow on you. Eventually, you no longer notice what are, in your eyes, disfigurements, and see the person as perfection.

Things like that are complicated. Everything is just so complicated.

Lately, I had begun to realize I was growing out of my old defense mechanisms and exchanging them for new ones. I used to draw. I wasn't good, per se, but it was something I enjoyed. If I was unusually depressed, I would take refuge in the park by my house. It was always after dark when I knew no one would be there. I would sit on the same swing for hours and then walk home like nothing ever happened.

Lately, it had become an alcohol dependence. I just couldn't tear myself away from the numb feeling that came over me once I swallowed enough of that liquid.

But no- before I had even been introduced to alcohol, I developed something else. What was it?

Did I have friends then? …No, just a few acquaintances here and there. I would go to the beach and take a walk. That was my defense. And my defense was shattered. It broke into a thousand shards.

Before I realized what was happening, my haircut had already been complete. He picked my chin up and forced my eyes to look in the mirror. I couldn't help but be startled by my own appearance. The rings around my eyes seemed to be imprinted now. Darkness had consumed my features and made me look so hollow and empty.

I was embarrassed, I suppose, to even look at myself.

Yet, as ashamed as I was, I couldn't rip my sight away from my cold, dead eyes. Sure, grey was an unusual eye color. I could build a mausoleum with a number of compliments I received.

My eyes had absolutely no light in them. The energy was gone and the light could no longer shine through. If eyes were the windows into the soul, then it was more than likely that my soul had died. I was dragging it around with me like an insane man would drag around the cadaver of his beloved wife. The only difference was instead of leaving a trail of blood, I could turn around and see all the callous destruction I had caused in my wake.

I thought I had only been hurting myself, but now that I could see myself, I wasn't so sure. I felt sick again, but no longer was it a physical ailment. Now it was grabbing me and forcing me to stay here on the ground. I felt burdened by a heavy weight, and it was forcing me to sit here and stare at myself.

I felt like yelling at myself. If the reflection I was looking at was another person, I would have surely yelled and screamed for them to stop. Unfortunately, I couldn't give myself the same respect. I didn't know how to.

Then again, it's not like anyone else had, either. I wondered if anyone could see it or if I was just-

"Any changes?"

I finally lifted my eyes to my hair. After mere moments of staring, I let the words, "cut it all off." escape through my lips.

"All of it?"

"Well, whatever you think fits. Buzz cut it."

He took a step back and looked at me for a moment. I thought he was scrutinizing me, but as I thought about it more, I realized he was only looking at the shape of my face. He thought about what would look good, and began to cut again.

"Sorry…" I mumbled, looking down.

"It's alright. I suppose you needed a change. Now, look up for me, please."

I lifted my head up, but kept my eyes firmly on the ground. I couldn't stand to look at myself a moment longer.

Zell, who had until this point sat in the waiting area, now stood beside me, giving me a once over.

"Isn't it kind of cold to be cutting your hair so short?"

I grunted. "I guess, but I don't want it anymore."

Zell shrugged and leaned against the counter. "You're going to look so different."

"I know. But that's what I want."

Zell smirked a bit. "Alright, alright. Never seen you with short hair before. You have a pretty big forehead."

"Yeah, well, that's where I keep my brain. You wouldn't have that problem now would you?"

A few razor strokes later, and I was complete. Zell was still blithely pouting about my teasing.

According to Zell, at the very least, I was aesthetically pleasing. That's all I could ask for.

I stood up and paid for my haircut, including the tip, it took all my cash, but that was fine.

Zell and I left the barber shop and headed back towards the shopping district. The scenery was so peaceful and distracting that I forgot we were here on a mission.

"What are we doing here again?" I mumbled to Zell.

He didn't answer me right away. I turned toward him to see if he was even still behind me. I was momentarily stunned as I realized how close he was.

He too, seemed rather taken aback. He took a step to the side and looked down, apparently embarrassed. That wasn't like him.

"We needed stuff for our moms, remember?"

I sighed and shifted my feet, suddenly feeling rather weighted down. "Zell, what's wrong?"

Zell sighed and looked upward again. "I just don't understand why you hate it."

"Hate what?"

"Being good looking."

"I don't hate it." I shrugged, flaring my hands out. "I just don't like it. It's stupid to care about something like that."

"What do you mean? How is it stupid?"

"Because I can't help the way my face is, Zell. I was born with it. It's as simple as that. It's so boring to be complimented on your face. It's not like I made it or something. It's just something that happened- if that's really the case, I mean." I snorted. "I don't know what people see in me. I look dead most of the time. I think everyone on this planet is a necrophiliac."

Zell reached over and grabbed my shoulder. "Hey, why are you getting so worked up over it? This isn't like you."

For some reason, maybe because Zell was trying to tell me who I was, this irritated me. I backed up, glaring shards of glass at him. "Don't tell me what I'm like! You barely even know me anymore. I barely even know you for that matter! We've changed, Zell. Everyone has."

I regretted it immediately. Zell looked honestly hurt. I felt like I ruined yet another precious thing. How was it even possible to regret something so quickly? Why was my anger so short lived? There just wasn't any reason for any of this.

Worse yet- I didn't know how to fix it. I didn't even know if I could fix it.

I turned away from him, no longer able to look at his hurt face. I was so sick of hurting people.

"Listen, everyone has changed, alright? But that doesn't mean we can't… start over."

Zell sighed and grabbed my arm. "Squall… that guy you keep talking about…"

"What about him?" Knowing full well that I wasn't the one who kept bringing him up.

"I dunno. Is he… I think you should find him. I think it would clear your head."

I sighed. "I really don't think so. That chance encounter was probably nothing to him. Besides, it's not like I have time to just pack up and go."

Zell balled his fists, entertwined with my shirt.

"You have to go. I can't stand here and listen to you be depressed anymore. You need to go to Winhill. You need to face your fears. You need to see this guy. You need to take care of yourself!"

"It's not that easy, Zell." I tried to say it calmly, but my voice was shaking.

"It is that easy!" He yelled, gripping my forearm and yanking me around to face him. He was smoldering. His cheeks were unusually rosy, and his eyes were nearly watering. "I'm so fucking sick and tired of listening to you bitch about how hard everything is! It's just common sense! If something is there, if it's something you need to see, confirm, whatever it is, just go. Just go fix it. You're running like a coward. You're not a coward, so stop running!"

Running.

Have I been… running?

Where the hell was I going?

The road I was walking on was leading me to Hell. As Zell yanked me around, I felt my body stop. I felt the whiplash in my neck, but that burn started to singe me. The very fires of Hell were now spewing at my back, and as I stood there facing Zell, his hand extended, I realized that I no longer had to burn.

Zell was showing me another direction. The path was enlightened with neon signs and spotlights.

I was so blind to have never noticed them before.

Walking in darkness had that effect on people.

I looked down. "I'll go. I'll go to Winhill."

Zell's grip on my arm let up, and he slid his hand down my arm and grabbed my hand in his. "When?"

I shook my head. "Over summer vacation. I can't just drop out or something, my mom will kill me."

"But what if he's-"

"If he's not there, then it will just affirm that it wasn't meant to be."

Zell nodded once.

"We still need to get our moms their stuff, Zell."

Zell shrugged. "Yeah, I guess it is getting late."

We headed into a store and finally opened up that shopping list. Leave it to two teenage boys to not know the first thing about basil and rosemary.

Shopping bags full, we headed back to the train station.

I leaned against the wall, rather heavily, as Zell read the map to the intercontinental railway. I felt exhausted. It wasn't a physical tired, rather, my mind had been racing all day, and now it was finally coming to a stop.

"There aren't any trains to Winhill. It's like the place doesn't exist."

I gave him a droopy-eyed look. "Well, I'm sure that's on purpose. There aren't any trains or anything in Esthar either. You know how their government is. It's probably the same in Winhill. They're not exactly foreigner-friendly countries."

Zell sulked a moment and looked at me. Suddenly he grinned maliciously. "You sleepy?"

I sighed and nodded. It was easier to give a half-truth than tell the full on reality and get into another argument.

He snickered and came closer. Before I knew what hit me, Zell's arms were wrapped around me, pulling my much smaller body into his.

"My poor baby." He mewled.

I let out an irritated grunt, but didn't bother pushing him off or trying to get away. It wasn't worth it, and as much as I hated to admit it, he was more comfortable than the wall.

"Did Dollet get boring or are we just getting old?" I wondered aloud.

"A little of both, I think. I mean, there are plenty of things to do, but there aren't many people here anymore. That, and we're probably growing tired of this place."

I smirked into his shoulder. "Well, it's still nice to come here with you. It's our bonding place."

He chuckled. "Yeah, about that… tradition is all well and good, but we're going to have to find something new and exciting eventually."

"Didn't see many Hyne-mas decorations." I mused silently.

"You would notice that. It's your favorite holiday." He shrugged. "But no, I didn't see that many either. I think the whole town is depressed."

"Well, misery loves company." I insisted. "Maybe that's why we were drawn here in the first place. Too many good times at home."

Zell's eyes trailed off. I knew what he was doing.

"I've never heard anyone complain that they're having too much fun."

I shrugged and put more weight on him. "I never said I was complaining." I looked around and noticed a lot of people staring in our direction. Can't say I was surprised. For any two people to show affection around here was a sight to behold. Let alone, two teenaged boys.

I quickly grew bored of people watching and turned my attention back to my blonde comrade. "You wanna stay at my place tonight?"

"Sure," Zell said quickly.

"Heh, we'll get clothes at your house when we drop your mom's stuff off. There's no way you're fitting into mine."

"Ain't that the truth?" He snickered. "What are you? An extra-small?"

"I'm a medium, thank-you-ever-so-kindly."

"Oh, defensive much?"

I rolled my eyes and shifted my legs. "I hope it's not too cold in Balamb."

"I'll keep you warm."

"Gross." I teased as I lulled my head onto his shoulder. "Can you drive? I don't think I'm legal."

Zell chuckled. "Yeah, I got you. We both know who the better driver is anyway. Don't we, Mr. Tree?"

"Call me "Mr. Tree" again, Zell. See how that works out for you. I swear if you tell anyone about that I'll tell your mother about your granddad's rifle incident."

"You drive a hard bargain, Squall."

I rolled my eyes and perked my head up as I heard the train closing in. Finally.

As we watched the passengers disembark we headed closer to the last car's entrance. Once the last person was off, we quickly entered and took the first open seats we saw. At this time of night, it wasn't hard to find a seat. We missed the rush hour traffic by a long shot. Not that one could rush from Dollet to Balamb.

"What do you wanna do when we get back home?" Zell asked, mostly absentmindedly, staring out the window.

"Have dinner. I guess wrap these presents."

Zell hummed in agreement.

Even though dinner was the first thing on my mind, I couldn't exactly say I was hungry. It was a weird kind of hunger. I could definitely eat, I mean, especially when all I had that day was breakfast, but something told me that no matter how much I ate I wouldn't be fulfilled.

It was like a hunger that couldn't be cured by food. The Sad part was, I didn't know what I needed. It kind of made me… angry.

I guess that's why for the entire trip home, I stared forward at the back of the seat in front of me.

By the time we were back in Balamb, I was desperately leaning on Zell as we got out of the train lazily looking toward the setting sun.

So that was Chapter 2. I hoped that was enjoyable. Remember to let me know what you thought. I'm currently working on Chapter 3, but due to the length of the chapters, and the editing process, it might take a while. As always, thanks!