It was about ten seconds after the lieutenant cut the line in order to try to ask the janitor another favor when the ground suddenly quaked under my feet. I glanced out of my cover, only to immediately pull my head back in order to avoid being kicked in the face by the armored man vaulting over the table. He landed with surprising grace and settled into a half-kneeling position, his gaze locked at me. Or, well, I presumed his gaze was locked at me, but it was impossible to tell with the helmet and all.
After a moment of awkward silence I slowly raised my hand and gave a small wave. "Hi," I said.
"… Hi, I suppose." The armored man slowly tilted his head to the side and returned my greeting in an extremely awkward fashion.
"Whoa! Stop!" I yelled at him as he tried to move closer me, which immediately put him on guard. In this case that meant he pointed his finger at me. Seriously, apparently finger-pointing is really a thing around these parts…
For a moment we quietly stared at each other, right until I slowly raised my hand and pointed at his feet where he was just about to kneel into the unconscious colonel's gut. He followed my finger and immediately sprung back.
"Oh! Sorry. These darned things have zero peripheral vision…" He grumped as he removed the helmet, only to reveal that he was actually a she… Wait, that wasn't dramatic enough, was it…? Ugh, sorry, I really don't know how else to say it. It happened too… casually. "I'm Major Oslona Kaspersky," She stated in a surprisingly soft voice as she ruffed up her short brown hair. She appeared to be in her early twenties with a very feminine face, piercing blue eyes and a bubble-cut, although the latter could only be considered helmet-hair at this point in time. She was overall quite attractive, even as disheveled as she was at the moment.
"John Doe, at your service," I said with a small nod. She looked me over somewhat suspiciously.
"Command says you can tell me what is going on here. Is that right?" She asked in a laconic voice.
"Well, I can…" I said hesitantly.
"Good. Give me the full story," She said and then glanced at the two unconscious bodies at our side. "Including the story behind these two."
"That will take a while. Are you sure you have the time?"
Suddenly the major broke into a self-derisive chuckle. "Ha! Listen boy," She said, and for a moment I had to wonder who she was talking to. Then I remembered that I was twelve. Yeah. Stupid amnesia. She continued, "Neither our narrative override nor our canon enforcement tools work. At this point all we can do is stall until CENB command comes up with something, so until that happens I'm all ears."
"… Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you," I nodded and began to tell her the abridged story starting from when I woke up. She seemed to take most things in stride, attentively nodding every now and then, though even she had a hard time swallowing the a capella frogs. Whose stupid idea was that, anyways? Still, I finished painting the general picture faster than I expected.
"I see…" She clicked her tongue. "So that's why we cannot use canon enforcement to deny his reality. This is not his narrative."
"No, I don't think so."
"But that means that we should have been able to still use our canon enforcement tools on him," She pondered. "Something is still amiss."
"Maybe it's the thingie…" I bit off the end of the sentence and cleared my throat. "I mean, the colonel's device."
"Right…"She said as she looked over the gadgets I took off them man, but in the end she shook her head. "That's strange. All the standard tools are here…"
I pondered for a moment then raised my hand. "Wait, let me ask," I told her as I turned the communicator in my ear back on. "Lieutenant?"
"Yes?" Came the expectant answer from the other end of the line. "Is everything all right."
"Yes. In fact, thank you for sending over the major," I sad with a small smile and whispered, "You have no idea how great it is to finally have a reasonable person around, especially after our last such character turned into a green-skinned comedic sociopath."
"You are… welcome?" She said sheepishly, but I pressed on before she could ask anything.
"Listen, we have a question here. Did colonel Winfred have any non-standard equipment on him?"
"Non-standard equipment?" She parroted back uncertainly.
"I was mostly thinking along the lines of a small, black, rectangular thingie. Does that ring any bells?" I provided the helpful description.
"Actually, I think he picked up an emergency Jumper before the mission, but I'm not sure." Came the uncertain answer.
"A jumper?" I raised a brow. "No, I am pretty sure he is actually wearing a shirt," I told her.
"Did you say Jumper?" Asked the major.
"Yes, why?"
"Why what?" Chimed in the lieutenant on the line.
"Sorry, I was answering the major, not you," I turned back to the major. "Why do I feel like this 'jumper' is not the kind of jumper I think it is?" I said with a frown. Why people keep giving such generic names to macguffins was beyond me… Don't they know how confusing things can get because of things like that?
"It is a device used in to extract an agent in case of an emergency," She answered with a difficult expression.
"So, theoretically, if Rondemort could get that thing to work, it would take him to your base?"
She shook her head. "No, it doesn't have the computing power to pick a specific world or worldline. It just transfers the user to an available world for later evac," She said with her brows ever furrowing.
"Then why did the colonel try to use it on me?"
"I… don't know," She answered hesitantly. "Maybe he had a plan of some sorts. We should ask him once he wakes up."
"Right…" I nodded wryly "And why is this thing not a part of the standard equipment again…?" I inquired.
"Because it's unreliable and almost never needed," She answered calmly.
I rubbed my temple and let out a sigh. "So it is a thing that transfers people to random worlds and the colonel just happened to have it on him and tried to use it in front of the local villain for some reason?" I glanced up at her sourly. "Does that mean it's a literal 'plot-device'?"
The major rolled her eyes without changing her expression the slightest, a feat of utter wryness I have been trying to achieve all this time. She's good. "Ha. Ha. Very amusing," She said deadpanly. … Is deadpanly a word? No? Well, it should be, because she was most definitely saying that deadpanly.
"Thank you, I'm trying." I answered with a fake smile.
"Laaaaaaame," Came the third voice of- … Wait, third voice?
I glanced at my side, and just as expected, Mary was merrily sitting by my side with her legs crossed; acting like her being there was the most natural thing in the world. "Good morning princess," I quipped.
"Thanks," She answered without the slightest hint of sarcasm. "What's going on? Who is that?" She started chirping, as hyper as ever.
"I'm Major Oslona Kaspersky, from CENB Special Operations Command," The major answered without breaking a sweat.
"Oh, I see…" Mary nodded to herself knowingly and then leaned closer to me. "Hey JD… Did you understand a word of that?" She whispered into my ear. As it happened, it was the ear with the plug, so…
"Who was that?" Asked Lieutenant McNamara from the other side of the communications line.
"It's a…" I gulped hard, "… friend… of mine." I told the lieutenant after some struggle.
"She is?" Asked Mary while pointing at the major, still facing at us with a neutral expression.
"No, I am talking to the lieutenant over the communicator." I told her.
"What communicator?"
"The one in my ear," I pointed.
"Wow! Where did you get that?"
"From the colonel."
"And who is on the other side?"
I took a deep breath. "You know what? Let's go one by one, okay?" I said as I pointed to the major kneeling by our side. "Mary, as you have heard, this is Major Kaspersky. She is from the same place as the colonel."
"Oh, I see. Nice to meet you, I'm-" She was no doubt about to inflict her name upon the world again when I cut her off.
"She is Mary. Just Mary," I told her with hard emphasis on the word 'just'.
"Nice to meet you. Please call me Oslona."
"Ooooooh!" Mary's eyes were sparkling as she gazed at the major. "Oslona, you say?" She suddenly stopped daydreaming and turned to me with a victorious look. "See, JD? Now THAT is a name! You are thoroughly beaten once again."
"JD?" The major raised a brow.
"She has a weird obsession with names. Just ignore her," I told her while waving my hand.
"Okay," She said. Well, at least I can't fault her for being slow on the uptake. I turned back to Mary and tapped the device in my ear. "The one I'm talking to on the communications line is Lieutenant June McNamara, who is…" I paused for a moment and turned the line on again. "Say, lieutenant? What is your relationship with colonel Winfred again?"
For a few seconds I could hear some clatter coming from the other side. A moment or two later the lieutenant returned with another auditory assault. "W-W-What does that have to do with the situation! It's none of your business!" She yelled at me. Thankfully by this time I was wise enough to temporarily pull out of the earplug. "I mean… it's not like we are… You know…"
I groaned. Again. I do that a lot, don't I? Well, blame the people around me! I mean, no wonder this canon whatever bureau messes up things like that if this is the level of professionalism I can expect from them… "I meant your relationship in your organization," I added in exasperation between two of her outbursts.
"Oh…" I swear, that simple word sounded so awkward I could practically picture the exact shade of beet red her face must have been, which is no mean feat considering I have never seen the woman in person. "I am his mission control," She said at last in a mousy voice.
"Thank you," I said and turned back to the ball of hyperactivity attentively inspecting my face at the side. "She is the mission control," I repeated to her.
"I see…" Mary pondered with dangerously sparkly eyes. "Wow JD! I never thought you had it in you!"
"I had what?"
"Look! I leave you alone for a few minutes and you already make moves on two girls!" She laughed and gave me a thumb up. "I approve!"
I buried my face in my left palm and shook my head. "I am not making moves on anyone!" I declared. "How did you even come to a conclusion like that?!"
"You didn't?" She glared at me in shock. "And for a moment I almost had a better opinion on you! Approval retracted!" She said accompanied by a thumb down.
"Is she always like that?" Asked the major, collected as ever.
"Sadly yes," I sighed. "Sorry if she is bothering you."
"No, I don't mind." She said, straight-faced as ever.
"Really?" I clicked my tongue. "Major, you must be either an angel or a Buddha."
"Thank you, I think," She said with surprisingly timid smile, but her visage turned stern again just as fast. "Now that the introductions are over, we should get back to the previous topic."
"You mean the mess we are in?" I asked. She nodded. "I think I told you everything I knew. What now?"
She seemed to be in thought for a moment and began talking. "Normally our first priority would be the capture of all UMSs in the world, but taken the circumstances I believe we better focus on recovering the Jumper device from this Rondemort character."
"Sounds like the exact same thing you have been doing all this time," Said Mary at my side.
"Yes," Added the major gravely. "Normally this would only take a few moments using narrative overrides, but we can't do that now."
"Why?" I asked. Major Kaspersky seemed to be torn for a moment and then pointed at me.
"Because apparently you have it at the moment."
"I have what?"
"Narrative priority," She told me dryly.
"Hey, that's not right!" Chimed in Mary. "This is my story."
"Not anymore, it is not," Rebuked the major.
"But look! It's totally my story!" She said while pointing at the teacher corner. "Look!"
"Why do you sound so proud of that mess…?" I groaned.
"Narrative backlash," Said the major like it was completely obvious.
"Could we stop with the weird terminology? It hurts my head..." I said, and I wasn't kidding. My head was really about to split in two. "Could we instead focus on the actual problem again?"
"Yes, right," Nodded the major. "So, could you use your narrative priority to override the narrative and let us get to device?"
"Ugh… I just asked you not to do that…"
"Can you do that or not?" She asked me again with an honest yet somehow bone-chilling gaze.
"Sorry, I can't," I hung my head. "I don't even really know what you are talking about."
She kept looking me in the eye for a few more seconds and then let out a tired sigh. "Very well. We will do it the old-fashioned way then," She declared as she grabbed her helmet. "Please look after the colonel and don't go anywhere," She told us and put her helmet back on.
By the time I was about to answer she already sprung to her feet and vaulted over our cover. She ran over the other two men, skillfully dodging the spells and other assorted projectiles flung her way, and upon arrival she casually punched a giant snake in the face that was about to strange one of the other men… Wait, what?
"Woaaaaa! Did you see that!?" Mary squeed at my side while grabbing my arm. "That was awesome!"
I dropped my shoulders and nodded with a small grimace, "It sure was…"
"She is totally awesome! She has a better name than you, she has a kickass uniform and she punches snakes! Face it, you are totally beaten in every regard," She told me with an impish smile, but with the lack of reaction she just started watching the major again with a sigh. "If she was a guy, I would totally fall for her! How about you?"
"…" I sustained my refusal to react to her and instead focused my attention to the Major and her men.
"What took you so long!?" Exclaimed the man who was just about to be compressed via serpentine means.
"Gathering information," She answered as nonplussed as ever. "Here's the rundown: the boy in the middle is this world's villain… or something. The narrative is apparently in a state of shock after an unsuccessful rejection, but he is certainly not the UMS we were looking for."
"He is not?" Asked the other man between dodging a bench and some spell. "Are you sure?"
"Positive. However he has a Jumper he stole from colonel Winfred."
"What?" Came the question from the third man who just made his way over to the other two. "Why did the colonel have a jumper on the first place?!"
"…" The major paused for a moment and then frankly said, "It was a plot-device."
"Hahahahahah!"
This particular manic laughter came right from my side where Mary was holding her side cackling
"What the…? I said the exact same thing before!" I protested. "You called it lame!"
For a moment the girl looked at me with a wondering expression between two chuckles and then she simply shrugged her shoulders and said, "She told it better."