I want to thank everyone who took the time to read and review my story, and of course my beta Alice!

Love,
Sery

---

Past Mistakes

Rate: M

Disclaimer: yeah, I don't own Gundam Wing

Chapter 10 – I never knew you

She had read in novels that love - true love was for all time. And pure. You never stop loving the person until death. But lust was temporary; it stays for a period and ends after having sex. Heero was definitely not in love with her, he merely craved for her in lust. Nothing more. And after he had her he would disappear from her life, without a farewell, as abruptly he had entered in her life.

Relena sighed, the thought of never seeing him again irking her, creating unbearable tension.

Why?

How long did she know him? Merely two days. Why had these intense feelings arisen in her? It was a mixture of emotions that went through her body.

She hated him; his arrogance, his ability to drive her crazy with his touch, his mocking of her, his behaviour in general.

She was also scared by the hunger in his eyes, his unpredictable movements and his words.

"I'll see you later, Relena. And I promise we won't be disturbed again."

She shivered as she remembered his words and dark eyes. Even now she could feel his touch in places where even Trowa had never touched before. The soft yet forceful feeling of his lips against hers was unforgettable too. A few times she even caught herself brushing her fingers against her lips.

Aside from the hate and fear Relena felt when she thought about him or saw him, she loved his eyes, his unruly hair, his rough hands and his lips.

Did she want him to use her? No, definitely not. In the past two days she discovered parts of her mind that she never knew existed. Sometimes she would yearn for him and other moments she didn't want him to touch her ever again. And the guilt grew every time she thought of Trowa.

Hilde had said that the police never found his body and gave up hope. He had gone to the west coast of Spain where he leapt from the cliffs into the ocean's brutal waves. The investigators believed that either his body drifted too far away or was consumed by the predators of the sea, and will never be found. But what if…

Although Relena knew there was no way Trowa could have survived, she secretly hoped that he was still alive. How would she be able to face him then? She knew she never could. It was silly of her to think that Trowa could be alive; she knew she would see him again, look at his beautiful, ice-melting smile and his jade eyes,or feel his hands on her. To her, it felt like a dream – a terrible nightmare, but it was the harsh reality. He had betrayed her.

Relena had sometimes wanted to tear his picture into small pieces, like she is doing now, but before her hands could mindlessly ruin the photo her heart stopped her. Relena can't forget the person she loved for two years in only two weeks time. She needed more time and some distraction. Heero's arrival was exactly that – something to divert her from her grief.

Relena stared at Trowa's picture and heaved a sigh. Everyday, she would pick up his photo numerous times, stare at it, recall memories, feel remorse and pain before she hid it again in a drawer or put it under her pillow. After his death she removed all his because it hurt to see her former fiancé's face knowing she would never see him alive again. And she had been angry at him – still was – for leaving her behind.

Why didn't he take her with him?

Just like the countless other times during the past two weeks, Relena put his photo in the drawer of her small bedside table feeling miserable. She wondered if she would spend the rest of her life like this, staring at the picture of her lost love, utterly alone with only a butler who hadn't more than twenty years to live to keep her company.

'Hilde will get married to Quatre or Duo or some other lucky man but I won't. Heero certainly isn't after marriage and I'm determined to find out why he's doing this with me. The only problem is how? Yesterday he didn't want to tell me anything except that I was a curious girl,' Relena mused as her thoughts wandered back to the dark-haired man.

She was sure she didn't love him. No. Yet she was afraid of falling for the handsome stranger in the future.

The doorbell rang.

'Must be Hilde.'

They had agreed to meet at her house at eight for one of those usual chats that they've had since before Trowa's incident...

"Hey."

The blonde looked up from her sitting position on the side of the bed with her bare feet touching the expensive and cold viny.

"Hilde," Relena smiled warmly.

Hilde stood in the doorway looking tired.

"Is something wrong?"

The brunette had told her what happened with Quatre the day before, albeit omitting certain details. Relena knows only that Quatre had come and taken her with him. Hilde had been hesitant to divulge anything else, so Relena hadn't pushed her; she would wait until Hilde is ready to tell her more.

o0o

"What are you going to do now?"

Hilde stared gloomily at her lap as she sat opposite Relena on the bed. She was in an inner conflict. Should she trust Quatre again or should she just forget him and move on with her life?

"Have you thought about Duo?" Relena's voice interrupted her musings.

"No," Hilde answered honestly. She hadn't thought about him, not even once. How could she be so selfish? She shook her head. Love made you selfish. "Duo proposed me just the other day," she sighed and felt Relena shift her weight on the mattress.

"What did you say then?"

"That I needed time. He was okay with that."

Relena kept silent. It was Hilde's choice; she has to decide if she wans to Quatre return to her life. But Relena wanted to make sure that she was fully aware of the consequences of her decision.

"Is Quatre going to break his engagement?"

"No," Hilde replied softly, noting Relena's wide eyes at her answer. "He doesn't know what he's going to do, but he said he loved me... and he would try to find way out for us so we can be together." She added the last part quietly.

Relena bit her lower lip, not knowing what to say. Hilde's palms were covered in a sheen of sweat, visible even in the dimly lit room.

Should she take Quatre's side or Duo's? When she hadn't known that Duo liked Hilde,she would have chosen Quatre because he was the only one Relena found suitable and capable for her friend at the moment. But shouldn't Duo be given a chance to prove himself?

"Don't you care about Duo? He has helped you many times in the past and spent so much time with you… Won't you give him a chance, Hilde? You've given Quatre plenty of chances. It's not fair for Duo."

Relena just hoped she'd said the right thing and didn't upset Hilde any further.

"Maybe you're right," Hilde's voice was uneven and she sounded like she wasn't totally convinced but didn't have the strength to continue their discussion. "I've done so many wrong things, Relena, made so many decisions that weren't right in the least." Her eyes were glassy as she turned to Relena but didn't dare meet her eyes. "If you only knew…and how it would hurt you."

Relena felt her throat becoming completely dry in a matter of seconds. What the hell was Hilde talking about? A few locks obscured Hilde's face as she lowered her head again and resumed staring at her lap.

"I – I don't get it, Hilde… What are you trying to say? You havve never hurt me – or even tried to –"

"I didn't want to," Hilde's cheeks were flushed and her voice was barely above a whisper.

Relena's attention was drawn to her friend's hands, which were repeating the motions of clasping together and unclasping time after time. She seemed restless. Maybe she was talking about Duo?

"It's OK, Hilde, I –"

She was cut off short as Hilde cried a desperate 'No!' and buried her face in her hands. Her shoulders shook slightly. Was she crying? Tears began to collect in Relena's eyes merely at the sight of her friend. She could never control her tears when she saw someone close to her crying. She reached out cautiously and gently placed a hand on Hilde's trembling shoulders. Hilde's voice was muffled by her hand palms and as she muttered, Relena was only able to catch a few phrases.

"It's not… Trowa… you don't… I feel so…"

"Shhh, I don't care, Hilde. Don't tell me.Ever."

She wrapped her arms around Hilde and hugged her tightly. She had no idea what Hilde was talking about but she didn't want to know.

"Some secrets are better left untold."

Her father had told her once and unfortunately, she found out why just a few days before is death.

Hilde calmed somewhat, to Relena's relief.

"I'm sorry," her voice was almost inaudible. "I –"

She was interrupted when someone cleared his throat. Relena slowly pulled away from her friend and looked at Pagan, standing at the threshold of her room in his tidy black suit. He coughed again.

"Sorry to disturb you, Miss Relena, but there's someone waiting for you in the living room."

'At eleven PM?'

Relena glanced at the elegant wooden clock on the opposite wall. She massaged left temple gently, feeling a headache coming up.

"Can't he or she wait until tomorrow?"

Pagan walked in slowly, swiftly collected the two empty mugs and placed them on the tray he had been holding under his arm.

"No, she said it was urgent and that she wanted to talk to you. Alone," he informed Relena.

"What was her name?"

Hilde was already getting up from the bed but Relena halted her by laying a hand on her shoulder.

"She didn't say. She wants to talk to no one but you. I've never seen her before." Pagan bowed and walked away. At the door he called over his shoulder: "She was… different, though. She wasn't ready to tell me a thing and looked nervous. Oh and…well ,she was dressed quite fancily."

'By different he meant weird,' Relena sighed, 'and dressed fancily? He's making me really curious… but what a rude woman to call at such an hour.'

"Sorry, Hilde, guess she doesn't want 'unnecessary people' around."

'But why not?' Relena pondered.

Was she someone who had known her father, mother or maybe… Trowa?

"Yeah… I'll see you tomorrow then," Hilde paused. "I think I'm going to drop in on Duo. I think he's angry with me because I missed our lunch date and didn't even call him."

Relena nodded. "It'll cheer him up."

She was surprised that Hilde had agreed so quickly to spend more time with Duo. It was crystal clear that Hilde hadn't forgotten Quatre. But what kind of a life would she have if she gave in to Quatre's wishes? She would be a lonely woman if he didn't want children, too afraid that their relationship will be discovered. Their relationship would have to remain a secret to all of the world and especially his wife. What sort of life would that be? Even when she dies, the man for whom she led such a miserable life couldn't admit that he loved her.

Relena shivered at the thought of how Hilde's life would be if she went back to th blond man. She wouldn't let that happen to her, definitely not.

'And I...'

It was like a large hand squeezed her heart roughly, thoroughly and ruthlessly. Wasn't she the one who would end up lonely in a large and empty house? She wasn't sure if she could love anyone else as much as she had loved Trowa. Whatever feelings Heero had evoked, it was definitely not love... but what was it then?

No, she has to stop thinking. Thinking was bad, at least when it's about Heero.

"Come, I'll walk you out."

They lapsed into silence as they went down the flight of stairs. Relena's mind was occupied by questions like the identity of the woman sitting in her living room. Maybe she was being anxious for no reason at all. She was probably just a relative or a friend of her father's, or perhaps one of her former classmates. That was highly probable; it could never be... nah.

"I don't think you should keep your guest waiting any longer, Relena."

"Hmm?" Relena's head jerked up, "Oh, sorry Hilde, my thoughts were somewhere else."

Relena smiled sheepishly and turned her head to the left just in time to see Hilde sigh heavily next to her. Short blue locks fell over her small, bright face.

"You always seem to be somewhere else, Relena, in your fantasy world with prince charming."

Hilde rolled her eyes and realised too late the meaning of her words. Relena fought against the lump rising in her throat. She would have to get over Trowa someday. How much longer was she going to cry and mourn for a love that no longer existed? She faked her best smile and let out a small chuckle. It was hollow and too high to be sincere.

"That's me, Hilde," Relena answered through her constricted throat and held the front door open for Hilde. "I think you should go now before Duo goes to sleep."

She saw the dark-haired woman bite her lip, trying to say something but all that came out was a goodbye. Relena shook her head as she walked back to the living room, somewhat excited and fearful for who she would meet there. She drew in a deep breath before turning around the corner and stepping in the largest room of her mansion.

The woman sitting there noticed Relena's presence immediately. She had been sitting on one of the green sofas and upon seeing Relena, the woman stood up at once.

Relena studied her curiously. Pagan wasn't too wrong about her attire. She was wearing a short - too short in her opinion – skirt in a glaring shade of purple. The fierce colour was hurting her eyes. The skirt covered only her rear and left a good view of her long, slender legs. On top she was wearing a small, red tank top that highlighted her perfectly-shaped breasts.

A black dragon was printed on the left side of her tank top, making her look glamorous while giving her a dangerous aura. Wavy reddish-brown hair fell over her shoulders. She had a small, pretty face, with thin lips, a small nose and large eyes.

Relena blinked. Were her eyes green or was it just her imagination of the light? She blinked again and again but the woman's eyes remained the same colour: green.

'So?'

Hilde had been right; she was just living in her own dream world. So what if this lady had green eyes, it didn't meant anything, it just…

'Made me remember someone…'

Suddenly Relena realized how rudely she had been gawking at her guest since she stepped into the room .

'How uncomfortable have I made her? Stupid me.'

"Please sit down," Relena gestured with her hand, conjuring up a smile.

The woman smiled back gently, looking ill at ease. Pagan hadn't been lying when he said she was slightly timid. She could be anxious about something, or maybe she was just a nervous and reserved person.

The other woman watched charily as Relena took a seat on the sofa opposite her. Relena also watched her carefully, not wanting to miss any signals that her body and face gave off. She was sure she had never seen her before. She had attended countless gatherings and party since her fourteenth birthday at her father's insistence, but had never seen her. Such conspicuous red-brown hair she wouldn't forget or miss easily.

Impatiently Relena waited for the woman to tell her story. She could tell that her intense gazing had made her guest even more uneasy. The woman avoided Relena's eyes. Instead she grabbed the small, shiny silver bag from her side and placed it on her lap.

Long, slender fingers with vivid red nails opened the bag before disappearing for a moment in it. Strangely, the long, slender fingers reminded her of someone.

'Trowa…'

Relena shook her head but before she could tell herself to stop recalling his memories her attention was drawn to the small bag. A crease formed between Relena's eyebrows as she saw that the woman held an envelope. Finally the woman looked up at her. Her sad eyes startled Relena.

Who was she?

Wordlessly she held the envelope out to Relena, stretching her bare arm. With some apprehension and curiosity Relena accepted the envelope and looked up at the woman questioningly.

"I came to deliver this to you."

She gestured at the envelop with her hand. Relena glanced down at it before shifting her focus back to the woman, and the again to the envelope.

Was she supposed to open it now?

She turned the envelope in her hands but it was blank. There was nothing written on it.

What was in it?

Relena looked up at the woman once again, but saw that she was busy studying her red polished nails. 'She was waiting for me to open and read it', Relena realized. Anxiety washed over her as she slowly and cautiously opened the envelope. A folded piece of paper was the only content.

Her hands tremble as she stared at the letters on the paper dancing in front of her eyes. She recognized the handwriting immediately. That slanting writing with the graceful g's and j's could only be Trowa's handwriting. Her throat closed up and with a heavy heart her teary eyes skimmed over the lines. It was dated a day before his died.

7th July 2045

My dearest Relena,

I'm sorry.

I know I've put you in all this trouble and pain. I'm extremely sorry for this. My princess, life never goes as we wish. You receive this letter after my death has been confirmed. I know you have thousands of questions to ask, and sadly, I won't be able to answer them all.

Why I decided to end my life is a long and difficult story. I can only tell you that I am just a normal human being. Like all others I had desires and wishes. And I wanted to keep you happy, my little princess. I wanted to do everything that your father never had done, give you my love and anything you longed for. I think I went too far to achieve that goal.

I never wanted to tell you Relena, but I think it's better for you to hear it from me than any other person (I hope no one has told you).

I committed fraud.

Yes, Relena, you're reading it right. I am a fraud and I stole money from others. I suffered no loss in business or any debts. I cheated people. Please, don't hate me, my princess. I never intended to reveal this to you, but I'm sure stories of my fraudulent behaviour will soon be spread through the streets of London and the rest of the country. I had no choice but to end m own life. The FBI was on my heels. I know I've fallen in your eyes by leaving you alone and even more so now that you know the reason of it.

But please try to understand that I did all thisl for you – for us. Relena, I've never loved anyone else as much as I've loved you. You're an amazing girl. I hope you'll always remember me with a smile on you lips and may you find a better and stronger man than me.

And please forgive me.

I'll always love you, my little princess.

Yours,

Trowa.

'Forgive you, forgive you… forget it Trowa!'

Relena clutched the letter with both hands and held it against her heaving chest.

'Why did you never tell me, why didn't you trust me?'

She felt sick, terriblly sick and guilty. Her common sense tells her that she could have done nothing but as always, her heart refuses to listen when it comes to Trowa.

'What did I know about you?

Suddenly she seemed to be hollow and empty inside. He had known everything about her but what had he told her about himself and his family?

"I've no family, not anymore."

He had told her once. She recalled that something in his eyes had changed when he said that. He had quickly changed the subject, and Relena never mentioned it again for fear of upsetting him.

"I should have given this to you earlier but I had some problems of my own."

A sudden voice reminded Relena that she wasn't alone.

And she HAD to know who she was. Now. Relena looked the woman straight in the eye.

"Who – who are you?"

"I… actually I shouldn't tell," the woman hesitated, making Relena even more anxious. "But now that he's no longer with us I think you may know," she sighed clasping her hands together.

"My name is Catherine Bloom… I'm – was Trowa's sister."