Well, this one is out fast, I know! Enjoy!

Chapter 9, Feeling.

It was odd, sitting here on the couch inches away from him, but not being able to talk to him or even look at him. I'm afraid he will notice, and I will be in trouble with Tsunade-sama. It's hard to believe I can still breathe with how high my heart is in my throat. I wouldn't be surprised if everyone else in the room could hear it beating rapidly.

Naruto slouched on the love seat across from me, his arm hanging lightly over Hinata's shoulder. His face was that of concentration, his eyes down on his black boots. Hinata's eyes were closed as she tried to contain Aiko's struggles to be let go. When her eyes opened, I wasn't shocked to see the tears.

"Must this happen?" she asked, her whisper soft and full of dread. "Isn't there something else that we can do?"

Gaara shook his head. "Hokage-sama and I have discussed it all many times over. There is nothing else."

Naruto nodded slowly, pushing himself up. "Then we must do what we must. The killing has to stop. I do not want any more innocent blood spilled."

Hinata's eyes snapped to her husband, and I swear I could see a flame in them. "By spilling the blood of thousands of others, Naruto!" She finally let go of Aiko, who wiggled her way into her father's lap, looking at her mother with wide eyes and a frown. "That is not right! It should be able to be done without any more blood at all. Diplomacy, if tried, will work!"

I shook my head, grabbed my notepad and scribbled quickly. I held it up to her and she read it out loud. "Diplomacy would have already been tried to be accomplished. There is no way, after things have gone so far, that it will ever go back." She paused and thought over my words. "But can't we at least try?"

Naruto shook his head again. "She's right, Hinata. There is no going back." He cleared his throat and set his daughter on the floor. "Go play with your brothers, Aiko. This is an adult discussion." Aiko pouted, but when Naruto's eyes narrowed, she grinned and ran off screaming happily. When she was gone Naruto's eyes turned to me. "There is something I think you should see, Doe. Sakura mentioned it earlier. We think you need to see what they are capable of."

I nodded, dread pooling into the pit of my stomach.

– –

I cupped my hands over my mouth and blew on them, trying to regain some of the warmth the cool winter night stole from them. I watched the stars twinkle above me, above Konoha, above the world. Above everything that I had once known, but is so alien to me now. Kaleb was right, I should never have come back. It isn't right for me to be here. It is wrong. I can't take it, I'm not strong enough. My muscle tone may be getting stronger with each passing day, but my mental and emotional health is deteriorating with every second that ticks by.

How can I stand to see Yukio's big brown eyes staring up at me one more time? How can I stand to hear Jessica's sweet voice as she complains to Gaara? I can't. That's just it. I can't handle it. I can't stand it. I want so badly to hold them, to hug them tightly. Requesting that no one knows of my existence was a stupid thing. I never knew it would be this hard to stay away from them. But how could I have known? It isn't like Jiraiya or Kiba ever had kids. They couldn't have told me what a bond is like between a parent and child.

Maybe, in the back of my mind, I had been hoping they would have known it was me all along, even though my face was covered. Has it really been that long? Long enough for Gaara to completely forget everything about me? He should have guessed by my hair. By my chin set, by the color of my skin. When I reentered this world my body was converted back to what it was when I died. I don't look any older, my hair is still short from when I had to scrape it off because of the plague. My nails are broken down to where they bleed. I still have all of my scars. What about my eyes? He has looked into them time after time since I've arrived. And not once has he even guessed who I am.

Not once.

I sighed deeply and scratched my eyes. A fleck of paint chipped off and glittered on my finger tip. I am so stupid. So completely, utterly, unimaginably, stupid. What have I done? I thought.

What have I done? I've left my family behind for a world of fighting. For a world of emotional suffering. I scratched at the paint around my eyes again until my fingers bled from under my nails. Then I just stared at the redness leaking out. Such an idiot I am. I can't believe myself. I had everything back home. I had money. I had my family. I had a place to live. And I had friends. I had everything. Everything a girl could ever want was within my grasp. But I through it all away. And for what?

Pain.

I through it all away for pain. Pain and suffering.

And I don't even get to see my babies faces without feeling only pain. How can I be happy in this world? I came here to be a tool. I have no reason to be happy. I'm only going to die, I know that. So it isn't right for me to dwell over what could have been, what should have been. I will never revile myself because I don't want them to see me die again. I would rather put all of this pain and suffering on my own shoulders than have anyone else feel the happiness of my return and the double pain of my death. That would be to selfish of me to do.

I finally understand Tsunade-sama's reasoning. She gets this factor. She knows I will die. So why should we tell people who I am? Why build their hopes that I am here to stay? Because I am not. I plan on dying. I will die whenever Tsunade-sama tells me it is my time to die. But I will not go out with out a fight. The more people I can kill, the less there are to threaten my family, my loved ones. And yes, I do love them. So much. And that is why I am doing this. Because of my love for them.

Someone cleared their throat behind me, jumping me. I glanced over my should to see none other than the famous copy-ninja himself. Kakashi stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked up at the sky with his one eye. He hasn't changed at all, from appearances anyway. He looks exactly like I remember him looking.

"Beautiful night, isn't it?" he said.

I glanced back up at the clear sky and shrugged. Sakura has every right to be with him. If they are happy, why shouldn't they be together? Sure, he was her teacher. But she has long since graduated from under him. She probably has a high rank than he does. I wouldn't doubt it for a second. He must be very proud of his wife to be.

A chilly wind blew, stinging the tips of my fingers where were all cut up. I fisted my hands to keep the wind from hitting them, but it only made them hurt worse. The pain feels good in a way. It lets me know this isn't a dream. It lets me know I'm really not insane.

Kakashi stepped up to my side and looked at me. "When are you planning on telling everyone?" he asked. I glanced at him one more time, frowning. His red eye stared at me accusingly. "Don't pretend, I know who you are, Kira."

My heart skipped a beat. Is that another one of the new powers? Can Kakashi see through my mask? I shook my head, acting like I didn't know what he was talking about.

"I've already chatted with Hokage-sama." He slid his forehead protector back into place over his eye. "She told me everything. You can talk freely with me, Kira."

I looked away, looking down on the village below us. The wind blew again, chillier up here on the top of the Hokage tower than it would be down on the ground. "I don't plan on telling anybody," I told him. "Why make them go through the heartache when I die again? It's not right."

Kakashi sighed and leaned against the bars, looking down on the village as well. "You think that, but you don't know how much they have suffered, how much they still are suffering with your sudden passing. Some thought you may have gone back to your own world, but no one knew for sure."

I squeezed my hands, the pain running up my arms. "It's been ten years, Kakashi. I'm surprised they still remember who I was."

He chuckled. "You really have no idea how much of an impact you made on everyone's lives, do you?" I shrugged, not really wanting to answer. He chuckled again. "You changed each and everyone of them. You taught them things they never knew before. You showed them a different look on life. You showed them how to view things from others eyes. Kira, you made such a change in their lives that they could never forget you, no matter how hard they tried. And trust me, some did try."

I squeezed my hands tighter, wanting him to stop talking.

But he continued, oblivious to my agitation. "Naruto stopped talking about you all together, and if someone accidentally mentioned your name, he would go into denial. He was the less severe case. Temari, she went on a rampage. She refused to listen to anyone about anything that may have even hinted to your existence. It was years before she fully accepted that you were gone. But the worse case would have been the Kazekage."

I squeezed my hands harder and closed my eyes tightly. I could feel myself start to shake. Why wont he shut up! Can't he see that I don't want to hear this?

He went on. "Kazekage-sama slept around, had a different girl in his bed every night. But not one of them resembled anything of you. None had brown eyes, none had brown hair. None could defend themselves to save their lives. And all were looking for only power. He refused to go near the room you had in Suna, he tossed out the couch he had in his office, the one you died on. It was terrible for awhile."

"Why are you telling me this?" I hissed at him, shaking so bad I felt like I was going to fall over.

"Because you need to know," he answered. And he went on. "He started killing again. First it was anyone who pissed him off. No matter how small the problem, he would kill them. He turned into his old uncontrolled self. No one could stop him and many lived in fear of who he would go after next. But then the kids got to him, and he stopped much of the killing. Temari-sama and Kankuro-sama said he still went out some nights where he could no longer hold back and kill those who thought to harm others. Mostly men sentenced to death who sat in jail waiting for their time. No one said anything about that." Kakashi fell silent for a few minutes and I felt his eye on me. "You need to understand, Kira. Everyone who you met loved you. They all pray every night that you will return to us."

"Well I wont," I growled. "I won't, I won't, I won't."

He sighed. "We all knew when you reentered this world. Every single on of us. We all felt it. But we just didn't know what was going on. I figured it out the first day I saw you. You were walking down the street eating a dumpling, lifting your mask when you thought no one was looking. I knew then it was you."

"Then why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I knew there would be a reason for you to be hiding it."

I opened my eyes and glared up at the crescent moon. Did Tsunade-sama tell him to tell me all of this? Because I really don't want to hear it. But I can't force myself to leave. I can't make myself tell him to stop talking again. Because I know I need to hear it all. "Why didn't you tell Sakura? She's going to be your wife, isn't she? You shouldn't keep secrets from her."

Kakashi nodded. "That is true. But we both understand there are going to be things that we cannot tell each other, no matter how much we want to. This happens to be one of them. Trust me, she knows my power and has already asked who you are. Most believe you are a traitor of the Mob and are telling us inside information."

I was right on that part. They think I'm some kind of traitor.

"Sakura has a different idea, though." He chuckled softly to himself. "She keeps trying to guess and judge my reaction to what she says to see if she is right. But she still hasn't come up with the fact that it is possible you have come back. Currently, she thinks that you are a man, posing as a woman, and is from Iwa to spy on us. She has such an imagination."

"A man, huh?" Somehow, I will have to fix that.

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