Ugh, I don't do well in heat at all. I want watermelon...*whimpers*

Chapter 9

"Judgment is a common theme in all the major religions of the world. It is also an intrinsic value to, not just civilization, but human nature. We instinctively judge and desire justice, which is where the knee-jerk want for such things as revenge come from, or the split-second decision to not trust a stranger. It is poor judgment, the misplacement of the role of judge, or the desire to be rid of guilt that brings to pass the stigmatism or desire for a world devoid of good or bad. But it can never be refuted that there is a weight to our choices, and to deny it would be foolish, and possibly dangerous. To deny that there is truth, unchangeable and unaffected by perspective blinds one to any knowledge or forewarning of bad choices. It leaves one lost and directionless, which is often what brings about the phenomenon we call 'ghosts.' Ironically, one does not have to be dead to become one.

Some may believe truth infringes on freedom; that you are never truly free until you can make any choice without any poor consequences coming from said choice. But we make choices because of the consequences. We're choosing consequences. And to have good consequences, you must also have bad. Thus, in an ironic turn of events, taking away bad consequences or the opportunity to make said bad choices takes away freedom, because you no longer have the ability to choose between good or bad.

...But I digress. My point is one must not deny any soul the freedom to choose, even if that means they may choose poorly. To allow circumstances or certain high-functioning mental conditions to excuse one of the consequences in turn does that person an injustice, because however can they know, then, what consequences they want?

The real problem, then, isn't what justice will do, but who in this world has the burden of bringing about justice? Luckily, most consequences happen on their own, without any outside help. I am endlessly thankful for that."

-Oliver Davis in Plain, under a different name

The nurses were right. My nipples did get use to Eugene's sand-paper sucker. It took two weeks, though. Two weeks of crying every time I nursed, two weeks of dabbing gel onto my tortured girls, and two weeks of being woken up every two hours just to be rewarded by my boobs smarting like flesh bags of fireworks as glands squeezed out milk from my soul and grated it out of my nipples. Even once they got use to it, there was still an initial smart in my breasts as the milk glands let loose (if this was what they were made for, what's with the pain?). Oh, and it also hurt when Eugene decided to sleep an extra hour or so and they'd get engorged and leak human boob excretion over everything.

Though it was freaking hilarious that one time in the shower when I was poking one of my heavy laden ladies and it squirted, just like a water gun, into Naru's face. The expression he made by itself almost made the two weeks worth it.

But besides that, I didn't need much to feel happy. Because the satisfaction of being able to feed my baby and hold him as he nursed more than made up for all the 'discomfort,' as the books and nurses will call it. Also, when your baby has no concept of waiting for food and cries like he's going to freaking die unless he gets fed RIGHT NOW, being able to nurse is the best. You just pop one out and done. Since Naru's mother was all for becoming our live in nurse (she only stayed for the two weeks, though she had said it was because Lin had to return back to London for personal reasons), it drove me nuts to listen to Eugene cry as she got a bottle of formula or breast milk I had managed to pump ready. It had to be just the right temperature, no bubbles or clumps, blah blah blah. After I'd caught up on sleep in the first week (sort of, you never really catch up), the bottle ended up unused as I would inevitably grab Eugene and hook him up just to get the crying to stop, even if it meant my own crying would begin, though it was easier to not completely crumble into tears once I'd had some sleep and I wasn't a bloodless, passing out, sweating zombie.

And word to the wise: in-laws are key to survival.

Because if Naru and I had to take care of Eugene while recovering from just giving birth, we'd probably die. As I said before, the kid woke up every two hours, which if you think about where he's coming from (the perfect incubator that was always just the right temperature, always getting food, never having wet diapers), makes sense. Having someone there you know loves your baby probably more than you do at the moment because you've just had your nipples tortured and can't sit right because you have a bloody hole in between your legs from the little sucker and are more sleep deprived than a college student with no money and no caffeine (gasp for air here)...there's no word for it.

In one of the many books Naru read, he learned about how to help an infant settle into sleeping at night better by setting them out in the sunlight or just letting them see the sunlight. It was contrary to what the nurses said about keeping the room dark and comforting like the womb, but, then, Naru was still having many much conflict with the hospital over their bills, one of which was the fact that the doctor still wanted to be paid for delivery when it was technically Naru who had 'delivered' the baby-or so he says. Between you and me, I should be the one paid to deliver, since, you know, I actually pushed the squawking nipple bully out in the first place. Who caught him is merely semantics. But, back to the sunlight, we could already see progress. Eugene was already starting to sleep longer when it was dark and stay awake for longer periods when it was light.

And poor Eugene kept that punched in the face, cone-shaped head, premie downy-fuzz look for a while. It wasn't until a month later that he rounded out, shed the peach fuzz, and developed proper chub rolls.

And I couldn't stand it.

Oh my gosh, it wasn't giving birth that would kill me. It was how beautiful and adorable Eugene was. He was the most remarkable, gorgeous being-thing-subject-I had ever beheld. All his jerky, playful movements, all his gurgling baby noises and squawks, how seriously he met my eyes and quieted at my presence and touch, his dark fluff of silky hair, his fat dimples-I mean, he didn't even have proper wrists or joints, they were just creases that separated rolls of soft, squishy baby chub. His knuckles were just little dips in his round fists, his toes tiny straight jellybeans, his little fingers set with itty bitty fingernails-

FOAM!

That's right. Foam like you have rabies, roll on the floor, flail a bit, and then die, because no one should be able to contain this much overwhelming adoration without exploding in guts.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to catch every minute that passed and hold it tight. I didn't want time to move on. I wanted to savor every second, every new experience, and I lived for showing Eugene everything wonderful and beautiful about being alive: sunshine, Daddies, milk, fuzzy blankets, bells, music, showers, colors, rain, bubbles, kicking, breathing, grapes, brushes, naps, walks in a stroller, being told how much you're loved...

It was like I was experiencing life all over again with him. Things I had long ago stopped thinking about I wondered in, surprised I had ever let a moment go by without appreciating it, because I was re-discovering it with him. Everything was new and exciting. Yeah I was always sleepy, yeah I was sometimes smelly and unwashed, yeah I had to deal with my boobs turning into weepy utters, but that was like complaining of a blister while you're at Disneyland. Yeah, it hurts and sucks, but if you're the kind of person that lets that ruin all those rollercoasters and wondrous rides and snacks and having all your family and friends around you, then you're a petty, shallow, sad person indeed.

Oh, and there was Naru and how adorable he'd become. I didn't have to ask him to help. If he saw something needed to be done, a diaper changed, a bottle made, a baby to be bounced asleep, he just did it.

After a month, we returned to the office with Eugene. While he wasn't doing what I called 'baby yoga' on a fluffy mat on the floor or nursing, he was sleeping against Naru's chest as he did his computer work or walked about the office. Whenever Naru had to do something with both his hands, which wasn't too often, Eugene would be slipped off into a plain old laundry basket behind my desk that had been filled with soft clothes that I had worn so it still smelled of me. When I asked if his arms got tired, he gave me a blank look.

"I'm a man," he said simply, and he left it at that. Though, between you and me, I more or less sexually attacked him when we got home. There's something about not being able to...yeah, I'm going to stop there. Let it suffice that Naru carrying around our sleeping son and saying 'I'm a man' when asked if he could handle it was, ugh, drooooool.

Half-way into the second month of Eugene's life, on a cloudy Wednesday threatening yet another cold autumn day, we had a client in who was college aged. She was attractive and well dressed, though in a way that made it more or less known what kind of attention she was looking for. And, of course, she started drooling the moment Naru came out of his office and sat down in front of her. You'd think the chubby, open-mouthed baby sleeping over his shoulder would have been a romantic deterrent, but, on the contrary.

"Oh my gosh, is that yours?" she asked him, as though Eugene were a fluffy puppy.

"Yes. And he's asleep, so I'd appreciate it if we could keep the volume down."

"Oh. Well, sure, I can do that. Is his mom okay? That's awfully nice of you to bring him to work, I don't know of anywhere that would be okay with babies, that's really rare."

"His mother's right here," I said, trying not to make myself too obvious from my desk. Naru liked to keep the air of privacy to his clients, and on some occasion he'd even have me go into his office-or have me question them, since, as he said, I had a way of softening people that he didn't. It was probably the lack of arrogant intimidation.

She did an odd flinch and squirm. "Hello."

Naru leaned back in the couch, switching hands on Eugene's rump to flip open his black ledger for reference. At first she seemed rather distracted from his questions about the poltergeist activities in her sorority bunk house. I could feel her sizing me up without having to look up from my paperwork. I wondered if she was considering taking my plainness as an invitation to make a move on my husband and tried to decide if I wanted to chuckle, sit back and watch, or be disgusted. After a few questions Naru waved me over to write for him, preferring to have me take notes rather than simply give up the baby to me so he could do it. Cute. I could sense another nigh rape attack coming on when we get home.

"Is that hard?"

Both of us looked at her in confusion. She gestured to Eugene.

"Working and having a baby? Do babies have to be a certain age before you can drop them off at the daycare?"

I sensed an icy prick of Naru's ire, which she would never know of, and decided it best if I answered instead. She wasn't trying to be offensive, it was a natural question to have.

"I've never checked. He is only seven weeks old, so I wouldn't be surprised."

"Seven weeks?" Her eyes went wide. "And he's okay to come out of the house?"

I gave a friendly laugh, though inwardly I was amazed. "Is that what your mother did?"

"I don't know. I'm an only child. But I've heard you have to, like, stay at home for months at a time with them before they can come out. Guess my daycare question was kind of stupid, then..."

I could feel Naru itching to get his questions over and done with. I, however, knew that often times people took tangents like this for reasons that were important to things they may be struggling with that they otherwise wouldn't feel comfortable talking about. Sometimes my intuition in allowing a client to divert the conversation led to insights about the haunting that solved a case. That was probably the only reason why Naru didn't snap at her to stop asking about his private family matters and get back on topic.

"It wasn't stupid," I said kindly. "Babies are a lot more durable than you think. Would you like to hold him?"

Both Naru and the girl gave me looks of alarm.

"No no! I'm fine! I wouldn't want to wake him up," she said, a bit too loudly.

Eugene made little snacking noises as he closed his mouth and lifted his head. I watched on in amusement as our client froze and held her breath until Eugene settled down again with his forehead nuzzled up against his daddy's neck.

She bit her lip before whispering, "I don't think this is very appropriate, talking to a client with a sleeping baby. It puts me on edge, and I don't want the responsibility of keeping him asleep."

I opened my mouth to say it wasn't the end of the world if you woke up a baby, and that Eugene was a heavy sleeper anyways, but Naru carefully bent over so Eugene ended up in his hands with as little shifting as possible and handed him to me. Eugene's little arms and legs splayed out in an adorable, limp doll fashion, and having him close again made it possible for me to hear his almost inaudible, whispery baby snores.

"If you could move his basket into my office," he asked me quietly, not looking at me.

I did so, keeping the door open a crack so I could still feel like I was in the same room as Eugene. Then, somehow not feeling welcome back on the couch with Naru now that he didn't need me for notes, I went to the kitchen to make some tea. For some weird reason, I felt ashamed, but didn't quite understand why.

For the rest of the interview, the girl made attempts to warm up the chill that had settled between her and Naru, as though telling him to get rid of his sleeping baby hadn't been anything wrong, and it hadn't. She was technically right, this was a professional environment. It wasn't like I could stay home with Lin gone, though. I had to do both his and my own work and we had a lot of backlog inquiries to catch up on, not that it was a hassle. I could do paper and computer work and nurse Eugene at the same time, and Naru and I could take turns bouncing him and get stuff done, but...

I dropped off the tea and returned to my desk. I inwardly hoped Eugene stayed asleep and quiet, at least while our client was here. I didn't want to seem anymore unprofessional than she thought I was.

"I can check in on that roommate of yours," he said, snapping his ledger close. "Your payments seems to have checked out alright, so it's just a matter of what day works best for you."

"Saturday works fine, I suppose. Though, if you could not bring your baby..."

While I knew that would be no problem for Naru and I (Monk was always up for using Eugene to try and instill baby hunger into Ayako), and I was actually even more embarrassed she'd even think she'd have to tell us that, Naru asked, "Is there something about your living circumstances I should know about?"

The atmosphere became suddenly brittle.