-Chapter 9-
-BPOV-
I was half awake when Edward took me to my room after the movie and I slept fitfully wanting so bad to tell him that I loved him. But I couldn't. He obviously regretted everything so I didn't want to make him feel like he needed to make a choice. The next morning we didn't speak but I could almost taste the delicate tension that we both wanted to resolve but never did. I didn't trust myself to tell him what was wrong yet so all I said was if we could go home. I saw a flash of guilt cross his face and he quickly packed our things. It was silent on the way to his house but he spoke when he was coming up the drive.
"What's wrong Bella? Is it something I did?" he asked, his voice filled with pain, anxiety and regret—probably because he kissed me. This was a mistake to come here. As soon as my leg heals, I'm leaving. I'll move away so I won't cause him any more regret.
"No, Edward. Of course not, I'm just tired. I'm sorry for making you think that." I said in a dead monotone that I knew sounded fake but I didn't have the energy to keep up the lie that I was fine. I hated the word fine. It was so vague that with enough acting and expression control, you could lie to anyone for as long as you wanted. But it got exhausting. Holding in your feelings and what you really want to say and hiding the pain was harder some days than others, but I managed. If I let my weaknesses show, why even try to be a gymnast? You have to be in control constantly and letting go would mean that you were weak. I was not weak. Besides, Edward didn't need some sniveling baby that needed him constantly. He needed a best friend. So here I was at his house until I could leave and learn to control my emotions again. Then I would come back and everything would be fine. Maybe he and Tanya would get married. Even if he was with another girl, the fact that he was happy was the only thing that mattered. Edward cleared his throat awkwardly as he stood by my door. I gasped as he coughed to cover a laugh.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you I just needed to get you inside so you can rest." He looked away sadly as I had to clamp my mouth shut so I wouldn't tell him.
"Oh sorry." Was all I said before he picked me up and carried me into my new room. I passed out soon after he left, unable to keep up with the deceit. When I woke up, I silently crept down the stairs. My leg was getting better and I was going to get my cast off in 4 weeks. Alice met me at the breakfast table and we ate while she chattered on and on about wedding plans. She was in the process of begging me to convince Edward to come and help me and Alice and Rose with the wedding plans when Edward came in. He pasted on a bright smile that only I could see through and he turned to Alice.
"Actually Alice I was just about to speak to Bella about that. If you'll excuse us for a few minutes." He said lightly as he gently towed me onto the front porch. We took a seat on the porch swing and we swung in silence before he spoke.
"Bella, the real reason I wanted to talk to you was because I feel that we need to keep up this thing for Alice and Rosalie's wedding. If we look like we're falling apart from each other, they'll focus on us instead of the wedding and we both know it's not fair. So can we please keep doing this and making it look realistic." He pleaded and my weak arguments faded away. I nodded and then put on a repentant smile.
"I'm sorry I've been so distant and moody. I've just been feeling odd." I said lamely. I stood up to escape him but he pulled me back and held me securely to him. I struggled for a minute but he patiently held me. When I stopped he cupped my chin and lifted my eyes to his. I focused on breathing and putting on my calm front and not getting lost in his eyes. He looked at me with worried eyes.
"Bella, what's wrong? What have I done? Please tell me. I want to make things right." He begged sincerely but I wanted to scream. What's wrong? We've been best friends for 5 years and you still don't know that I love you! That's what's wrong! You have no freakin idea! I hate that I love you and you're completely oblivious!
"I promise you did nothing wrong. I just…hate that we're lying to Tanya. I feel bad about pretending we're dating and Tanya is all alone." I lied convincingly this time and he raised his eyebrows like when he knew he was lying but he also knew that if he pushed it I would never tell him. He sighed sadly and I almost hugged him. If I could just hug him and whisk all the pain away I would, no matter the cost. He squeezed my shoulder in friendly comfort and I let a tear fall before I regained control. I could barely handle the pain I saw in his eyes when he wiped my lone tear off of my face. Just for the moment I relinquished control over my heart and I snuggled deeper into his arms and just let him hold me.