Article 19 (Episode 11: Little Minnesota)

The Bro Code - Article 19: A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro's sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, "Dude, your sister's hot!"
Amendment III: Should a Bro become aware that his Bro has a really hot sister (a nine or higher), she is no longer protected under article 19.

Barney passed by a group of carol singers in the street then hesitated, turning around and tossing a bill into their collection bucket without checking the denomination. He picked up their cheerful tune, humming under his breath until he'd gotten the first line:

(To the tune of "Away in a Manger") Away with Hea-ther Mos-by / I'll get her in bed / I'll play with her tit-ties / and she'll give me head…

Chuckling, he called Ted again. "Hey, what's on tap for tonight?"

He was about to break into song when Ted, being Ted, was suddenly all evasive (i.e. super-obvious) and Barney bristled and hung up. Did Ted really still not trust him to meet his sister? Perhaps it was time to step up the pressure and mess with his best friend's head a little. Chortling like some kind of evil genius, Barney's eye was caught by a black leather office chair in the window of a furniture store as he was walking by. Hmm… He could just picture the look on Ted's face. Grinning, he doubled back and got out his wallet.

Oh, this was going to be sweet…

*--*--*

Heather was… Well, she was pretty, he supposed. She just had nothing going on behind the eyes (and normally that was exactly what he looked for in a chick) but this was Ted's sister so he couldn't help but be a little disappointed.

Still, at least she didn't look like Ted in a wig.

She was at least a nine, so that gave him an out as far as the Code was concerned, but he doubted that Ted would ever understand. Also, what was he going to say? "Ted, I slept with your sister but it's okay, because although she's hot, she's really not that good. Won't do it again, Bro!"

He somehow knew that speech wouldn't quite cut it.

Besides… He'd promised he wouldn't do anything with Heather.

"That was nice…" Heather said, laid out (hehe) beneath him, her hair all tangled up like she was Helena Bonham Carter or something. "Nice?" That was practically an insult! He pulled her to her feet. She was perky (yeah she was) and a little slutty and it should be enough for him. So why did he feel strangely hollow?

"Why do you keep baby oil in your office anyway?" She asked him in a tone that was getting a little annoying. He thanked the lord that, while growing up, he'd only had a brother to contend with.

"Why do you think?" He shrugged, passing her a scrunched-up bundle of clothing. He was strategising and she was ruining his flow with her questions.

Heather laughed. "Sorry about your desk!" She pulled on her bra and he didn't even look at her.

With a ghost of a smile he answered "Not my desk…" and laughed.

He'd just about had enough time to pull on his pants when Lily burst into the room.

*--*--*

Heather looked panicked. "You won't tell Ted?"

"I definitely won't tell him." Barney stepped back and covered his eyes with his hand - of course! How could he have been so stupid? "No, I will tell him!"

"What?" The girl looked outraged.

"I mean, we'll both tell him that we didn't really do it - that the whole thing was a test?"

He could practically see the icebergs of her thoughts float around her brain before she said, predictably, "What?"

"I mean, we'll tell Ted that we planned for Lily to catch us 'In the act'," he mimed the quotes with his fingers, "because he doesn't trust you, to show him how lame he is for making judgements about you. For still treating you like an irresponsible teenager?"

She nodded, but her lip curled.

Barney sighed and rolled his eyes. "We'll say we didn't have sex! But we faked it for Lily to prove a point!"

She looked away, flustered. "Yeah, yeah… I get it."

Barney slowly shook his head.

*--*--*

He wasn't jealous. He really wasn't jealous. But as Marshall sat in the booth singing "Let's go to the Mall", Barney's hand made a fist under the table and he squeezed it until his knuckles turned white.

(Robin Sparkles was their thing…)

Robin was laughing hard at everything Marshall said and had someone conveniently forgotten that he'd totally stabbed her in the back at the Minnesota (really? such things existed?) bar. Barney found himself wishing he could have seen Robin beating Marshall's high score at the fishing game. She really was the most awesome woman in the whole world.

Oh goddammit! Not again…

He cleared his throat and took a sip of his cognac (the Christmas version of scotch; he made a mental note to put that in his blog - what would Santa prefer...?), letting the liquid burn through into his belly before making an arch comment just to watch her laugh.

Why had he slept with Heather? And he wasn't questioning it because of Ted. No, he was questioning it because all he really wanted to be doing right now was… well… Robin.

The treatment for feelings that he'd prescribed himself back in September really, really wasn't working. He was just getting new symptoms all the time. He was getting jealous. Of MARSHALL! And he was regretting having sex with a NINE!

Barney's shoulders slumped and he stared into the distance, eyes unfocused, until Lily punched him in the arm.

"What's happening now?" He said vaguely and, distantly, he heard them all laugh.

Crap. What was he going to do?