Finn POV
I knew that Kurt was going to try and kiss me tonight. Shit, if he didn't try, I was going to have to kiss him, which I didn't want to do. Not because I didn't like the idea, but because I didn't really know what to do. I mean, I've kissed lots of girls, but maybe it was different with a guy. There were no boobs to try and feel up, and I was pretty sure Kurt could hit a lot harder then Quinn if I tried to grab his ass. I had only tried that once on Quinn, and her slap had left a red handprint on my face that lasted for almost an hour. Kurt's hand wasn't much bigger than hers, but he was pretty damn strong. Anyway, I thought it might be better if I let him take the lead.
That didn't mean I was totally unprepared, though. Rachael used to claim that I had all the planning skills of an intoxicated monkey (intoxicated means drunk, by the way), but I think I did pretty well this time. I made sure I brushed my teeth before I came upstairs, because my mouth was kind of rank after my nap and Kurt worries about things like that. I would have taken a shower, too, but that might have made him think that I wanted to go further than I actually did. I don't even know what kissing a dude will be like, and I can't even think about doing anything else without my head trying to explode and my stomach getting all clenched up.
Then I used all of my secret, subtle, skills to get rid of Mercedes and Tina. Ok, it hadn't actually been that hard, but at least it had worked. Kurt was giving me that funny look out of the corner of his eye, like he was trying to figure out what to do. A few times he got a far off look, like he was debating something with himself. I just watched him quietly and tried to look as cute as possible. My mom says I have bedroom eyes, which I think is a good thing, and Quinn used to say I was like a puppy, which sounds good, but I don't think she meant it that way. Either way, Kurt seems to like what he sees, which I guess is all that matters.
When we were done picking up the trash, he suddenly looked at my mouth very seriously. This was it, my last chance to back out. I could already feel that strange buzz, though, the one that had suddenly started up whenever I got too close to Kurt these days. I had felt it with Rachael once, way back when she was trying to get me to hit the high B, but not as strong. This feeling was more like when Puck and I were younger and he convinced me to lick the exposed end of a big battery. It was a sort of vibration that made your lips go numb and your head feel funny.
Even when he put his arms around my neck, it wasn't too late to say no. Kurt might be strong for his size, but I'm bigger and stronger. I could have pushed him off, could have run, and could have done anything except allow him to pull me down so that we were face to face.
Only I didn't do any of those things. Because, really? I had been sweet and held back and done everything right for Quinn, and she still fucked my best friend. If she had wanted sex, I was right there and would have provided it without a second thought. But no, I wasn't good enough for her. Puck was though, which was something I was never going to forgive either one of them for. Ever.
Kurt wanted me. He was funny, and smart, and he was willing to kiss me, and maybe more. He was cute too, if you were into guys and all.
Oh, you aren't into guys? Really, Finn, you don't like guys? Because you're getting ready to kiss Kurt Hummel, whom I'm pretty sure is one.
There was that voice again, the one that was bitchy and sounded like Quinn when she was on her period. Of course Kurt was a guy. I know that for sure, because I checked him out in the showers right after he joined the football team. Not because I was gay or anything, but because I just had to be sure he was a dude. I was like 98% sure, but he did sing soprano, which I pretty sure is always the girl's part. Plus he had really pretty lips, much nicer than Rachael's and even Quinn's. But a 5 minute sneaky stare session confirmed that he had all the necessary dude parts, and none of the lady ones.
Five minutes, Finn? It took you five minutes to determine that Kurt Hummel does, in fact, possess a penis? You were checking him out, don't even deny it.
I had not been checking Kurt out! I had only been having these weird thoughts about him since I got hurt. Well, except for that one really strange dream that I had right after I joined Glee, the one where he and I were performing "Push It" again, only it was just the two of us, and he was the one I had on top of me instead of Rachael. The whole thing had felt…not right exactly, but not as wrong as you might expect. I had woken up from that with an extremely uncomfortable hard on, which had required immediate attention, to thoughts of women, thank you very much.
Except for at the very end when I flashed back to Kurt on top of me, and that was what ended up putting me over the edge. Later, I just figured that I had been half asleep anyway, and everyone knows that weird shit pops up in dreams. Maybe it had been more then that, though.
Which brought me back to my current situation, and the fact that Kurt had just gotten brave and pressed his lips to mine. Huh, look at that. It wasn't as different as I thought it would be. Kurt was a little bit taller then Quinn, which meant I didn't have to strain down as much to kiss him, and he felt much more solid under my hands. There was nothing dainty about Kurt. He was all hard planes of muscle and strong grip and I really, really liked it. It felt like Kurt could give as good as he got, and for some reason that turned me on. Plus, his lips weren't all sticky with gloss, which is a nice bonus.
Kurt seemed nervous, like he wasn't quite sure what he was doing. It kind of surprised me, since I didn't think there was anything that he couldn't do, and do perfectly. Even though I just wanted to grab him and take control, I made myself hold still. He would figure it out, he's pretty smart.
Sure enough, after a few seconds, he got brave and licked gently at my lips, his worried eyes flipping up to mine. Clearly, he thought I was going to spaz out on him. I opened my mouth for him, gently tightening my hold on his hips. It was a probably a little closer to problem areas then I should go, but I was afraid that I might crush his ribcage if I put my hands there. And that? Would be really, really bad.
I was brought out of my thoughts by Kurt's hands sliding off my shoulders and down my back, scraping my spine and making me shiver just a little bit. If the current situation in my jeans was anything to go by, I really liked kissing guys. I guess that does make me gay, at least a little.
Finn, what in the world are you doing?
That stupid voice was interrupting me, so I gave it a mental growl. Making out with Kurt Hummel, what does it look like? See, two of us could be rude.
Exactly, you're making out with Kurt Hummel. What was the reason you didn't want to do this in the first place? Oh, yeah, because you knew it was going to end with both of you hurt! Dumb shit, do you really want him to be your rebound girl?
It wasn't like that. I wanted Kurt because he was funny and sweet, and, for some stupid reason, he wanted me. And because he had really, really, pretty lips, much nicer than Quinn's. But I was aware enough to know that I was thinking with my dick and my heart, not really with my head. I wasn't over Quinn and what she had done, and it was unfair to drag Kurt right into the middle of my mess. The smart thing to do would be to sort all of this out in my own head, not all but molest Kurt in his own living room.
Then Kurt decided it was the appropriate time to palm me through my jeans, pretty much causing all rational thought to flee. Grinding was fine in Quinn's book, but the wrath of God would come down if she actually touched me, even over the clothes. I bucked softly against him, reflexively pushing him back against the counter. He was as hard as I was, which made me feel like a total stud.
Any chance of stopping this was gone, but I did have the presence of mind to know that it wasn't right to do this here. Even Quinn had warranted the couch, and Kurt was more special then that. "Can we take this downstairs?" My voice was all hoarse and cracking, but he didn't seem to notice.
"O-ok." He looked all dazed and rumpled, which were two things that Kurt Hummel never looked like. Again, I felt a little smug that I had been able to do that.
"C'mon." I put a hand on his back, pulling him away from the counter and steering him down the stairs. He seemed a little unsteady, something I totally got. I was feeling a little weak myself.
The trip down the stairs should have been enough to remind my again why this was a bad idea, and give me a chance to stop things before they went too far. But Kurt was looking at my expectantly, and, let's face it, I've never been very good at self control.
My reactions must have been enough to give Kurt some new confidence, because he didn't even give me a chance to speak before he pushed me back onto the couch. Honestly? It's kind of hot to have someone else be the pursuer for once.
I had forgotten to turn the light by the bed off, and it cast a flickery halo around the bed. The couch was up against the opposite wall, and all I could see clearly was Kurt's eyes, and brief flashes of his pale skin.
I didn't feel the same need to hold back that I had before, so I rolled him to the side, putting his body between mine and the back of the couch and making us the same height. It was easier to kiss him that way, even if we were getting too into it to be careful. His teeth went across my bottom lip almost hard enough to draw blood, but I barely felt it. My head slammed into his when he thrust up against me, but when I tried to apologize, he cut me off with another kiss. Apparently he wasn't feeling much pain either.
Guilt surged up in my gut, and I made one last, halfhearted, attempt to stop this. Sure, my dick was so hard that it was painful, and it wasn't like I was hurting anyone. After all, we both wanted this, right?
Do you? Do you want Kurt because he's Kurt, or because he's here and he's saying yes?
That thought finally did it, and I tried to move away. I didn't want to use him, especially considering my newfound knowledge on exactly what being used felt like. But Kurt had other ideas, and managed to get his body on top of mine, trapping me against the couch. He was making those soft, needy, little noises that went straight to my heart, right along with my crotch.
Fine, do it. But don't come crying to me when you realize just how badly you fucked up.
It really irritated me that I had been waiting for permission from some stupid voice in my head, but, now that I had it, I was determined to make the most of it. I ran my good hand down his body, fumbling a little with his jeans. They were tight and looked really good on his body, but would have probably been hard to get off even if I had been able to use both hands. And speaking of hard, apparently Kurt was as into this as I was.
I finally managed to get his jeans down and wrap my hand around his cock. I didn't feel as strange as I thought it would, and definitely not as strange as it had been with Quinn. With her, I had no idea what I was doing, and she wasn't about to give me any hints. I wanted her to enjoy things, but girls were kind of confusing, and even though Puck had given me some suggestions, but none of them worked over the clothes, and she wasn't really that interested, anyway. I think she just liked getting me worked up.
This time, though, things were easier. I just started with what I liked, then let his body tell me what to do. Turns out, Kurt's really, really noisy, which I liked a lot. Quinn was always trying to shush me, afraid that one of her parents would hear. With Kurt, I can immediately tell what he likes and what he doesn't, just by how breathy his moaning gets.
Oddly, I found it much easier to keep myself under control when I had someone else to worry about. Not that I didn't desperately want some relief, because I did, but it just didn't seem as important as everything else right now.
"Stop." Kurt was so breathless that he could barely get the words out. "Finn, stop right now."
He had to be kidding. When did Kurt turn in to Quinn? Then I thought that I might be moving too fast and scaring him, which I didn't want. "Why?" I was proud of the fact that I managed to sound non-snappy and not even a millionth as frustrated as I actually was.
He shimmied up on the couch so he was propped against the arm. "Finn, do you have any idea how long I had to save up to afford this shirt? I am not getting cum stains all over it."
I wanted to offer to help take it off of him, but it looked kind of delicate, and the buttons were too small anyway. So I just watched while he did it himself. It was really, really hot, like being at that strip show that Puck knew didn't card minors, only better because he was right there and I could trail my fingers over his skin as it became exposed. The muscles in his stomach jumped under my touch, and I could tell that this wasn't going to last much longer. He was so tensed up that he was barely breathing. I leaned over and kissed his neck, feeling the pulse throb. "Breathe, Kurt."
He let out and explosive rush of air, tossing the shirt behind the couch. "O-ok."
It seemed like we would be able to kept going now, but I was starting to feel a little confused. "You sure?" Please tell me what to do, because I'm so afraid of screwing up.
The blue eyes narrowed. "Are you?"
"Yeah." No.
"Then yes."
Great, now I had officially lied to someone to satisfy my own libido. I was slime and I didn't even care. Kurt was here right now, and he was telling me that it was alright. "Ok."
"Can I…" He trailed off there, flushing bright red. "I mean…"
I never thought I would see the day that Kurt Hummel was stumped for words. Then he made a gesture that every man in the universe, gay or straight, understood perfectly. I was totally getting a hand job out of this. Awesome. I struggled to keep my voice calm. "You can, but you don't have to." I just really, really, want you to.
For once, luck and karma and the baby Jesus were all on my side, because he nodded determinedly and shoved his hand down the front of my pants. Holy shit that felt good! Now I was the one whining for more. It probably should have been embarrassing, but I couldn't quite bring myself to care about that, either.
I must not have been the only one who liked a noisy partner, because Kurt's eyes fluttered shut at the sound, his body relaxing further against mine. Good thing, too, because I could move his body in a way that made it easier for me to…well…..
Finn, darling, if you're going to do this you should at least be able to say the words to yourself.
Fine, it would be easier to jerk Kurt off, happy now? Actually thinking those words should have been enough to startle me out of my extreme stupidity, but it wasn't. Quinn, Puck, the baby, Glee, none of it mattered right now. The only thing that mattered was both of us getting off, and soon.
He gave another soft whimper, his hips jerking against my hand. I nipped his neck, but very, very lightly. His skin seemed so delicate that I was terrified of leaving a mark, even though a part of me very much wanted to. I didn't though, because I would see it later, and that would make this all too frightening and real.
I kissed the side of his head, lightly running my thumb over the head of his dick, smearing the pre-cum and making things easier. He was whimpering continually now, barely able to keep up a rhythm on me. Apparently I'm pretty good at giving hand jobs. I ought to be, considering the amount of practice I get with myself.
Abruptly, his entire body arched up, a string of swear words coming out his mouth and very nearly making me loose it right there. Kurt was always so restrained and proper that it was absolutely fantastic to see him lose control. I licked his neck, feeling the heat from where I had bitten him a second ago.
That was all it took, and he came all over my hand and his stomach. I jerked my eyes between his face and his body, not sure which I wanted to look at more. It was hard to see anything at all, considering I was getting that silvery edge to my vision again. Kurt's breathing was still stuttering, but he managed to find his tempo again. The familiar white lightening raced up and down my spine, and everything turned bright and shimmery.
When I came back to myself, a few seconds or hours later, Kurt was watching me with wide eyes. "You ok?"
Not by a long shot. For some reason, I tended to black out when I was having a really good orgasm.I rubbed at my face with both hands, trying to get my bearings back. "Yeah, it happens sometimes. It's cool." My voice was rough and shaky. "I think we made a mess." It was a really dumb thing to say, but I needed to get back on solid ground.
He looked down at us and the couch, both of which were soaked in sweat and cum. "Oh, God, this is never going to come out of the leather." The horror in his voice made me snicker and lightly stroke his shoulder. "Think of it as a little reminder of tonight."
"I'll think of it as disgusting. How am I supposed to let anyone sit on this couch from now on?" He was trying to get himself worked up, but was still too lazy and calm from his orgasm to pull it off.
Now was probably not the best time to tell him that I had jerked off on my own couch a bunch of times, and he had sat there. Something told me that that would be a bad move.
If I didn't stop him, though, he would go into full on drama king mode. I eased myself to my feet, forcing my knees not to buckle. Shake it off Hudson, you can do it. Just because that may have been the best orgasm of your life, you don't need to act like a fucking girl.
Luckily, Kurt had his own bathroom, and it was as short walk to get a wet washcloth for the cleanup. Yeah, I maybe jerk off a little too often, so I know the best way for clean up. I stayed in there for a few extra minutes, trying to get my head screwed back on straight and wake myself up a little. I made sure that I didn't look at myself in the mirror.
Kurt was sitting up against the couch when I got back, but his eyes were barely open. I patted his shoulder. "Wake up, now, time to get cleaned up."
"Don't care." His head lolled down to his chest.
Clearly he had never fallen asleep like this, because what was just sticky now was going to dry and become extremely uncomfortable in a few minutes. OK, so he was kind of cute. I ran the washcloth lightly over his stomach, tickling him in an attempt to get him moving again. He let me move and turn him so I could wipe him down, but didn't really wake up. Definitly cute.
When I had done the best job I could, I pulled him to his feet. By the way, that's not as easy as it sounds. Kurt's small, but it's hard to pull someone up when they're deadweight and you can only use one hand.
He came easily enough though, curling up on his bed and falling asleep almost immediately. I thought about trying to get some pajamas on him, because it's pretty damn cold in here to try and sleep naked, but it seemed like more trouble than it was worth.
I had fully intended to sleep on the couch tonight, but Kurt was right, it was sticky and gross. Of course, I had also fully intended to just let Kurt kiss me, instead of fooling around in his basement, so I guessed that it had been a rather confusing night all around.
With that in mind, I nudged Kurt gently until he rolled over and made room for me on the bed. It was a squeeze, but we managed. He laid his head on my chest, his breath on my throat. It was lulling, and I found myself drifting in and out of sleep.
I couldn't totally settle, though. My brain kept running in circles, and all it ended up doing was making me dizzy. I had messed up, big time. Worse, I had drug Kurt into my drama. I knew how he felt about me, and I had made the worst mistake possible, just because I had gotten a hard on at a bad time. I liked him, tons in fact, but I just wasn't ready to be what he wanted.
I know Kurt, and he isn't going to be satisfied to let this be a one time thing. He's real romantic, and he's going to want flowers and dates and a commitment, all the things that I know I can't give him. I had tried that once and look where it got me: no girlfriend and a baby that wasn't mine, but I loved like she was.
An ugly rush of hatred filled my chest. Quinn had lied to me, for no reason other then she could. Sure, I got that she was afraid, and I wouldn't want Puck to be the father either, but she lied to me. I could have gotten past the cheating, but not the lies.
My Mom's always had this thing about telling lies. She's honest with me, and she wants me to be honest back. That's why it hurt so much to keep the secret about Quinn and the baby from her. But I had promised Quinn that I wouldn't say anything, and that promise was just as important as one I made to my Mom, right? All I had wanted to do was throw myself into Mom's arms and cry, begging for her forgiveness. I had even tried to think of ways that she could "accidentally" find out, like leaving an open hospital bill where she could find it, or letting her walk in while I was looking at the ultrasound. That way I didn't have to lie to her about Drizzle, but I wasn't lying to Quinn either. Except none of it mattered, because I was the one getting lied to the whole time.
How could I possibly trust anyone else after that? Of course, it's not Kurt's fault that Quinn is a hell bitch liar. It's not anyone's fault but hers, and maybe a little bit of mine for being so stupid. She had knocked me down and kicked me in the nads a few times, and I just wasn't ready get back up and try again.
Which is why I tried to tell you not to do this with Kurt. He's been a good friend to you, better then the rest of them, and you repay him by molesting him one night and bolting. Nice, Finn, real nice.
It wasn't like that! I had really wanted to be with Kurt. It hadn't seemed this complicated when I was actually doing it, so why was it so hard now? I just…I just needed a minute to think.
One minute became two, then a half hour, and I was no closer to figuring things out. The only thing that happened was that my head started to hurt. After a while, my arm started throbbing too, a pain that beat in time with both my heart and head. I needed to get up, needed to take those pills before it got too bad, but I couldn't move.
Instead, I looked down at Kurt, who was sleeping peacefully. I kept my touch as light as possible; even though I was pretty sure it would take the marching band to blast him awake at this point. With one finger, I traced over his face, using the pad of my thumb over his eyebrow and down his cheek. Across the lips now, causing him shift a little and cuddle closer. I stopped, but his eyes never opened.
Even more carefully, I stroked the lines of his jaw, running all the ways back up to his ear. Kurt's ears stuck out just a little bit, and I really liked that for some reason. I was really trying not to think the word 'precious', but it kept popping up in my mind.
Don't do this to yourself. This can be so easy, if you'll let it. Sure, you'll have to put up with the morons on the hockey team, and the football team, and probably every other team, but does it matter? Really, deep down, does it matter? They're all going to be those creepy gas station attendants after high school anyway. Are you going to give this up, just because one girl screwed you over?
Yes. No. Yes. Fuck, I didn't know. These were questions for someone much smarter then I was. I just knew that I was teetering on the edge of something here, one foot out over empty space. I had to decide whether I was going to pull back, or jump.
Yes, you do. You can get up right now, Finn, and pretend that none of this ever happened. You can treat Kurt like he's nothing tomorrow, or just like he's your friend. Sure, it'll break his heart, but he'll get over it. After all, look how well you're doing. But whatever you pick, you need to pick now and be sure. Is that too much for you?
As if he sensed my thoughts, Kurt jerked his head up and looked blearily at me. If I let him say anything, it was going to be over for me, so I eased his head back down to my chest. "Go back to sleep, ok?"
"'Kay." It was a slurred mumble. I ran my hand down his back, counting the bumps of his spine. There were 7 that I could feel clearly. His muscles shivered under my touch, reminding me that it was cold down here and he was naked. I pulled the blanket up over him, still trying to think. As gently as I could, I eased out from underneath him, sitting up on the side of the bed.
One thing was for sure. If I got up right now, I was giving up the minute my feet hit the floor. I could stay here, and wake up with Kurt in the morning, or I could run like a coward.
Only it wasn't just me that I needed to worry about. Kurt didn't deserve to have to deal with me and my problems, no matter what he claimed. His first relationship should be fun, with someone who could just love him without constantly worrying that, Kurt, too, would betray him at every turn. He deserved some normalcy, and I needed a little time and space to figure my shit out.
I waited to hear from that voice, but it must have gone to sleep because it wasn't talking. I was completely on my own, and all of my choices seemed wrong. Ok, Finn, think. Think, you can do this. You can make this choice; it's not that different from any other one.
The sound of my feet hitting the floor sounded way too final.
A/N: On the bottom this time, because I didn't want to give anything away. Thank you for all of your reviews/alerts/favorite story stuff. It really tickles me to be able to see all that. And for those of you who want to kill Finn right now, just imagine what Kurt's going to do to him next chapter. Finn will get his, plus some.