Song: Outside- Staind
Chapter Ten
It was the sound of singing that woke him.
Soft angry words, full of self-loathing and pain, the voice so familiar it almost soothed the concern plaguing the former king's weary mind. He had fallen asleep the night before with his mind wrought with worry for his friend, who hadn't come in at all the night before. In fact, the soft singing was the first he'd heard of Merlin since the raven haired man had disappeared the day before.
For a moment Arthur said nothing, he merely closed his eyes and let the word wash over him.
And you
Bring me to my knees, again
All the times that I could beg you please
In vain
All the times that I felt insecure
For you
And I leave
My burdens at the door
The song was about him, he realized and it hurt to know how Merlin was truly feeling in that moment. Slipping from his bed, he moved forward on silent feet, listening as Merlin continued.
But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
The song was dark and it was painful, to hear his best friend and confident sing about the pain he'd suffered at Arthur's hands for over a millennium. The fear he'd felt living in Camelot, yet still staying to protect a prince that wouldn't acknowledge his feelings.
All the times that I felt like this won't end
It's from you
And I taste what I could never have
It was from you
All the time that I've cried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone
Arthur was prepared for anything but what he found when he finally reached his former manservant. The man was in the kitchen, sitting atop the counter with a large glass bottle in his hand, tears streaming from closed eyes as he sang out the anguish he felt. His long dark hair was loose and fell in disarray around his face and down his back, a belt wrapped loosely around his lean arms, a fresh needle mark glaringly obvious.
He looked…broken.
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
Wet blue eyes slid open as he stepped forward but the haunting song didn't end, it got strong, the emotions in Merlin's gaze intensifying to an almost startling degree.
All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
The warlock's free hand went to his chest as if it were in pain, the other tightening around the neck of his bottle.
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
Merlin gave him a sardonic smile and a half shrug, looking at the bottle pensively.
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
Arthur smiled slightly, his heart aching.
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you.
"I'm sorry."
Merlin looked away from him, letting his hair shield his face in a move similar to the one Morgana did when she was uncomfortable.
"It's fine. I was an idiot to think there was something there. I mean, you obviously like Gwen and…you're a good man Arthur. I shouldn't have kissed you, especially while you're married." He replied softly, taking a swig from his bottle.
Arthur frowned at it, his nose wrinkling at the strong smell leaving it. The liquid smelled deadly and it made his nose burn, yet Merlin was drinking it like it was water. All the same he would be able to address that later, first he had to inform Merlin of new facts.
"I'm not married."
Merlin stilled, staring up at him with wide blue eyes full of hope and apprehension and enough emotion to make him nauseous.
"What?"
"I annulled my marriage to Gwen yesterday after she gave me a complete dressing down on how stupid I was for running. Merlin…I didn't run because I didn't want you because, I do. Gods, I do, but when I kissed you I was married to Gwen and I was trying to remain faithful to my wife."
For a moment neither man spoke, Arthur watching as Merlin thought over his words carefully, then Merlin looked up almost shyly.
"You want me?"
"I do."
"Even though I'm fucked up."
Arthur fought back a flinch at the curse and at Merlin's matter of fact tone in insulting himself. They would need to work on that.
"I love you." He replied, choosing not to address the statement but it was worth it to watch his friend, his love, light up like he'd given him the world on a silver platter.
The shadows in those cornflower blue eyes lessened, pale lips curling into a smile reminiscent of the one he'd been lamenting over only nights previous. Merlin looked…not perfect, but better than he had since Arthur's arrival in this time. Taking the bottle from the warlock's slim hands, he clasped them in his own and smiled.
"C'mon. You're supposed to be helping me learn this century, Merlin."
His warlock smirked at him, eyes dancing with humor and something he couldn't identify.
"Alright. Let's go then." He replied unbuckling the belt from his arm and leaving the room, the belt hitting the floor with a resounding thud. As they left, Arthur glanced back at it his heart remembering what exactly it stood for then he entangled his hand with Merlin's and smiled.
"No more drugs, Merlin."
Merlin glanced at him and gave a smile more genuine than most of the ones he given in weeks.
"I know."
"I'm serious."
"I know."
"Merlin."
"I don't need them anymore."
Arthur smirked and untangled their hands to wrap an arm around Merlin's waist.
"Tell me about your life after Albion."
The raven blinked then grinned. "Well first, I went to a land called Persia…"
TBC…