The barrier was still off as they got near the castle, to the consternation of a group of Moblin guards who were standing where it had been, scratching their heads.
"What do you think y'all are doin'?" said one to the cloaked figure who was walking past them. "No one's allowed inside the castle. Get lost!"
"I am merely a humble merchant, selling my wares to whoever will buy them," said the figure. "I wish to do business within the castle grounds."
"You deaf, boy?" said the Moblin, approaching the figure. "I said get lost! Or do I have to get you lost myself?"
The merchant's purple eyes flashed. With a stupid expression on his face, the Moblin slowly toppled over.
"Drunk," said Mewtwo to the other Moblins. It shrugged and carried on.
"What did you do to him?" whispered Peach, invisible to all but the LOL and Mewtwo.
"Merely a confusion attack," said Mewtwo, directly into her brain. "I didn't actually expect it to be that powerful. Moblins clearly have very weak minds."
"Can you teach me that?" asked Pit.
They continued in silence, walking through the castle garden under a gentle shower, until they reached the main entrance.
"Ganondorf is a mighty sorcerer," said Mewtwo. "He frequently has many guards on watch, and seals off parts of the castle with his dark magic. But with the other LOVE members running around, the seals may not be in use. It is imperative that you deal with any guards stealthily, so as not to alert the LOVE members."
"Got that, Captain?" said Sonic. "Stealthily."
"Okay, no Falcon Punches, I get it."
"I must leave you now," said Mewtwo. "I have things of my own to deal with. I wish you the best of luck." He walked back towards the Moblins.
"Inside, quickly, before his protection wears off," said Meta Knight.
Yoshi gritted his teeth and prepared to give the large door a huge shove. Running up to it, he threw himself against its weight and tumbled inside as the door gave way quickly and easily, giving a little squeak as he did so. The resultant rolling dinosaur would have surely alerted the two armoured guards and blown their cover, had said guards not been lying on the floor.
"D'you think they're dead?" asked Pit, looking at one.
"I'd say the missing heads would be a pretty big giveaway," sneered Wario, looking about the massive and lavishly decorated entry hall.
"Looks like Snake's already been here," said Peach smiling.
"Snake this, Snake that, who cares?" said the Captain. "I just want to find Zelda."
"Good for you," replied Meta Knight. "I just want to find my ship."
"Quiet!" hissed Peach, and everybody shut up to listen. "Snake said he would rescue Zelda, so they're probably in the same place anyway. I say we split into groups. Half of us go and find Zelda and Snake, and half of us go and find the Halberd so that we can make a quick getaway."
Yoshi squeaked quietly, in a manner Meta Knight translated as asking what use the two halves of the seventh person might be.
"Oh ha ha, very funny. Sonic and I are interested in Snake, so we'll go find him…"
"…And I'll come with you to find Zelda," said Captain Falcon, wiping away some spittle.
"Fine," said Peach, imperceptibly clenching her little fists and gritting her teeth. "You can come drool over Zelda's breasts, and the rest of you go and find the Halberd."
"Come," intoned Meta Knight, "let us be off."
"Aww, I want to drool over Zelda's breasts too," said Wario.
"That would involve you coming with me," said Peach. "That is not going to happen."
"Oh yeah, I wanna come with you, baby…"
A golf club emerged from the folds of Peach's skirt and hit Wario in the face. The stroke would have been a solid three hundred-metre drive and was made to a smattering of applause.
o o o
"If you had only read some of it…"
"Bowser, I don't have time. I'm sure your speech is a solid nugget of literary excellence, but I have my own and we do not have long."
"Ganondorf…"
"And here we are. Big smile now, and let's pretend we haven't been having a meaningless squabble over a few words on a scrap of paper. And not a word about Projects X and Y. Chin up!"
They pushed open the double doors and entered the great hall. "Great" is actually a bit of an understatement – "absolutely flipping enormous hall" might be better. The walls were lined with lavish tapestries, eating benches spanned the length of the room and on a small stage at one end, four notables were seated on wooden chairs around a circular table.
Ganondorf and Bowser strode towards them from the other end of the room, noticing as they did so the location of the fifth notable. Together, the seven beings in the room, known as the LOVE High Council, made up the governing body of most of the planet, so it is only fair that they get a bit of description. The reader already knows about King Dedede, who was demolishing a fruit bowl as if the existence of the world depended on it.
Next to him sat a small fat teenager, fiddling with a zit on his face. His blonde pudding-bowl cut hid his eyes, leaving only his turned-up nose and wide mouth visible. He wore a simple white t-shirt and blue dungarees, and sniggered at intervals. It was hard to believe that this was Porky, a.k.a. Pokey Minch, a.k.a. the governor of Smashville and Eagleland. Yet he was a genius at creating robots, and his self-centred warped mind qualified him perfectly for a position in the LOVE.
On his left sat… Well, "perched" would be a better word, but either way a large purple pterodactyl-dragon hybrid occupied the adjacent seat. This was Ridley, former leader of a bunch of intergalactic thieves known as Space Pirates, who had until recently been kept in check by the bounty hunter Samus Aran. Ridley had taken great pleasure in disappearing Samus personally, before disbanding/annihilating the Space Pirates and settling on the shimmering monolith that was Icicle Mountain.
The final being at the table was a bipedal grey wolf, wearing body armour and a cybernetic eye patch. He puffed on a cigarette and lazily tapped the ashes onto the table. His name was Wolf O'Donnell, and previously he had been another bounty hunter under the employ of a mad scientist from the Lylat System. Fox McCloud, the system's hero, had eradicated said scientist, so Wolf had retired to Nintendo. He was currently in charge of Port Town, and Fox was currently in captivity.
Ganondorf and Bowser finished their long walk across the hall and sat at the table, Ganondorf on Dedede's right and Bowser on Wolf's left. The round table was designed to make all of the people sitting around it feel equal, and it might have worked somewhat better had the two chairs just occupied not been twice the size of all the others.
"My friends," said Ganondorf, smiling genially as he took his place. "I am delighted to see that you could all come today."
"Jeez, Ganondorf, why do we have to hold the meeting in here?" said Porky, with an obnoxious chuckle that made Ridley clasp his head and moan. "It's like cold and draughty, and it's far too big."
"I have told you before, Master Minch, that Rayquaza simply cannot fit in any of the other rooms," said Ganondorf slowly, pointing upwards at the seventh LOVE bigwig, a massive green serpentine creature entwined around the chandeliers. "And the magic barrier around the castle should keep out any draughts."
He coughed, put his newspaper under his chair, and stood up.
"Well, as I have said, I'm very happy to learn that you could all make it," he said, skimming over the issue of what would have happened to anyone unable to make it. "Sadly we are lacking one member who was here at the previous meeting, but we all know why that is."
"Backstabbing bastard," grumbled Bowser.
"Now, usually this is the point at which I would bore you all senseless with details of the economy and the armed forces, blah blah blah," said Ganondorf, smiling indulgently. "But today, King Bowser Koopa is going to be giving the opening address with a speech that he has lovingly prepared."
Bowser sat gobsmacked for a moment, before realising that everyone was looking at him. Ganondorf had sat down and was still smiling. Coughing awkwardly and rising to his feet, the Koopa opened his briefcase and rifled through the papers for page one. Eventually finding it crumpled and torn, he began to speak.
"Er, well, th-thank you, Ganondorf. Er, well, let's see now. I'm not usually very good at, er, making speeches, but I can safely say – or at least I think I can – that over the last year… sorry, six months, er…"
o o o
Peach was a conflicted human being as she ran up the stairs behind Captain Falcon and Sonic, passing several guards that were either unconscious or dead.
On one hand, she was Mario's, now and forever, amen. She had always promised herself this. One day, she and Mario would marry(-o) and rule the kingdom together and have lots of little babies and be blissfully happy. And that wasn't going to change, especially not for a man who spent half his time drooling over other princesses or vehicles and who played with fast cars for a living. Please.
And yet… The problem was that she had not got to know many humans on a personal basis. As previously stated, they are not common in the Mushroom Kingdom. Apart from her family (now all deceased), the only men she had known properly (i.e. not including state visits etc.) were Mario, Wario and their brothers. Wario and Waluigi were evil and ugly, and Luigi was a droopy wet fish and had no eyes for her anyway. That left Mario as the most eligible man in her life.
Until four days ago, when a man had taken up residence in her bedroom. One had to admit that Mario, with his bulging waistline, untidy moustache and four-foot-ten height, was an eyesore compared to the tall and muscular Snake (whose facial hair was immaculately clipped, even after six months on Yoshi's Island). He had spent four nights in her room before sneaking on board the Halberd, and they had whiled away the time by talking about their lives before that year until the early hours, leaving Peach exhausted but happy the next morning. She had even asked for extra food that she would feed to him as he lay under the bed, making her feel like a cheeky infant breaking the rules.
And just when Snake had gone, and she had made up her mind never to see him again in order to protect the love she still bore Mario, along came another gorgeous specimen of manhood. Yes, he had his faults (the "trio" comment still made her shudder), but he also had muscles of steel and really cute auburn hair. Besides, he could be gentlemanly when he wanted to – at the bottom of the secret slide, for example.
It was thoughts such as these that filled her mind as they climbed the castle's floors, meeting with no resistance. She mechanically followed Sonic and the Captain upstairs, completely ignorant of her surroundings, until she felt the Captain's arm barring her way.
"Nintendo to Peach, do you read me, over?" he whispered, observing her vacant expression.
Peach snapped out of her reverie and pulled his arm down angrily. "What's going on? Where are we?"
"Near the top of the castle," said Sonic quietly. "There's somebody up on the next floor, and we don't know who."
"All right, Princess," came a throaty voice from up the stairs, "you just wait a moment and we'll be done."
"Oh my Hands!" said Captain Falcon. "Somebody's trying to do Princess Zelda! I have to save her!"
"Captain, wait!" cried Sonic, but it was too late. The Captain had rushed up the stairs and, with a cry of "Falcon Kick!", flew down the halfway in flames. The "somebody" was knocked into the wall and found himself staring into the Captain's visor.
"You lay a finger on that woman and you'll regret it," spat the Captain into his captive's face. "Just who do you think you are?"
"Snake!" yelled Peach, happily.
"Snake?" asked the Captain.
"SNAAAAAKE!" screamed Sonic, rushing down the hall and giving the burly man a big hug.
"Careful," said Snake softly. "I've got enough explosives strapped to me to blow up northern Eagleland."
Sonic let go of him quickly, and took a moment to give the object of his search a once-over as the man got up.
The man was indubitably handsome, but the rather long hair and face fur put Sonic in mind of a well-dressed hobo. Two eyes as steely as the Captain's poked out from under a bandana. The rest of his body was clad in tight grey combat gear, around which several utility belts bore grey boxes that Sonic assumed were the aforementioned explosives.
"I'm so glad to see you're well," said Peach, rushing down the hallway to meet him.
"Good to see you escaped," said Snake, before turning to the Captain. "I'm not laying my fingers on any woman. In fact, before you came along I'd managed to break her out."
Zelda stepped out of her room.
"Hello," she said softly, waving.
A first glance at her would have registered a rather plain woman with sharp features. However, once one got past the pointy nose and ears, it was possible to see that Zelda was indeed quite beautiful, with blue feline eyes and flowing brown hair. She wore a purple and white dress, stretched over her long legs and shapely bosom. Golden shoulder pads and long white gloves adorned her arms, while her hairline and chest were decorated by fine jewellery.
"Wow," said Captain Falcon under his breath.
"Princess Peach," said Zelda, stepping serenely forward and offering a hand. "It is a long time since we last saw each other. Dark have been the times of late."
"Good to see you too," said Peach, taking the hand and squeezing it maybe a tad too firmly as she shook it. "Snake helped to break me out as well. This is Sonic, a hero from another planet, and this…"
"Enchanté, madame," said the Captain, rushing forward and kissing Zelda's hand. "I'm Captain Falcon, the renowned racing driver. We met once on a state visit? Oh, and sorry for the whole mix-up with Snake."
"It is him you should be apologising to," replied Zelda coldly, withdrawing her hand. "He was the one who took out the magical field for you. Without his help, you wouldn't be here."
"We could have gone through the sewers. But, sorry, I guess," the Captain grumbled.
"It's okay," said Snake, fiddling with a box of machinery. "Could you all be quiet, please? I'm trying to do something important."
"I can't believe you're here," said Sonic, bouncing around Snake like an agitated rabbit, "I've come a very long way to find you, and here you are! And you're okay!"
Snake looked at him with a confused expression. "Do I know you?"
Sonic stopped his bouncing. For the first time, it occurred to him that although his existence ever since the "Enter Nintendo" project had been dreamed up revolved around this man, Snake probably did not have a clue who he was. Whereas Sonic knew Snake as the invincible one-man army, a hero elevated almost to god status by IPAF, Snake had no reason to know who Sonic was at all.
"I'm Sonic the Hedgehog," he said, quietly. "I was sent here to find out what had happened to you and the planet."
"Oh yeah," said Snake over his shoulder, preoccupied as he was with the box. "I've heard about you. From Melbis, aren't you?"
"Mobius."
"That's why I meant. Can't you fly or something?"
"That's my friend Tails. He can fly using his tails. I run really fast."
"I knew it was something like that."
There was an awkward pause. Sonic was completely debounced by Snake's almost total ignorance of him. Captain Falcon was looking from Peach to Zelda and back again, unable to believe his luck. Peach was glaring at Zelda, who was looking with genuine interest at Snake, who was busy with his box.
"So, Snake," said Peach with false light-heartedness, "what's in the box?"
"It's receiving from a microphone which I've planted in the great hall, where the LOVE meeting should be taking place right about now. As soon as I get the right frequency, we'll pick up what… Here we go. Quiet, everybody."
"…Another thing I'll never forget is when I was trying to take over Princess Peach's castle, and Mario rushed in with Luigi tied to a washing line! How we laughed! Of course, there was the obligatory pre-battle smack talk, after which I took on both the Mario brothers at once…"
A loud snore interrupted Bowser mid-flow.
"Thank you for that brilliant address, Bowser," said Ganondorf yawning. "Now, I'm afraid we must turn to WAKE UP, ALL OF YOU!"
There was the sound of many villains waking up simultaneously.
"Sorry 'bout that," said the Deep South drawl that was Wolf's voice. "Aw, damn – my smoke's gone out."
"Did we miss anything?" asked the nasal tones of Ridley.
"I don't know," said Bowser, dumbfounded. "Where did you hear up to?"
"Sit down, Bowser," said Ganondorf. "Onto the first item on today's agenda – rebellious nations. As we all know, the continent of Archanea is still suffering from continuous uprisings, caused by the Greil Mercenaries. And now, on top of that, it turns out that Yoshi's Island is sufficiently well off militarily to resist an attack from the entire Mushroom Kingdom army. These problems must be dealt with. Rebellious nations are like cancer: if left untreated, they spread throughout the world, infecting everything they touch!"
"And you start getting lumps in odd places?" suggested Bowser.
"They're not that much like cancer. Now, I am going to apply for permission to use Galleom in the attack on Archanea. Everybody vote, please."
There was a silence, presumably while the villains raised their hands/claws/ wings.
"Seven ayes. Thank you. As for Yoshi's Island, might I suggest an assault fronted by the Halberd?"
"That may be necessary," growled Bowser. "I apply for use of the Halberd to front an assault on Yoshi's Island."
Another silence.
"Come on, people!" wheedled Ganondorf. "Let's see some hands!"
There was the sound of reluctant shuffling.
"Six ayes," said Ganondorf. "Bowser, you are allowed to acquire the Halberd for an assault on Yoshi's Island whenever you like."
"As long as it's after Friday," said King Dedede. "I'm using it to go and see my mother over on Icicle Mountain, and then I need to have it serviced."
"Fine," sighed Ganondorf. "Now, onto the next topic: a little group of people who have been running around, defying our troops and causing us just a tiny bit of trouble."
There were mutters of discontent from the other members. Near the top of the castle, Sonic and Captain Falcon shared a smirk.
"If rebellious nations are like cancer, this lot are like dysentery," grumbled King Dedede.
"How so?" asked Ganondorf, sounding nonplussed.
"I don't know," said the King. "It was the first nasty disease I thought of. Er, but I guess you could say that they run through the world quickly, spilling a lot of blood?"
"More like they're making you guys shit your pants," sniggered Porky.
"Us guys?" said Bowser, his fists clenched. "Have you forgotten what you have hidden in your territory?"
"Yeah, 'cause I'm like so worried about them breaking that."
("What does he have hidden in his territory?" asked Sonic.
"Tell you later," replied Snake.)
"Gentlemen, please," said Ganondorf calmly. "Let us examine the facts. The troop as we know it consists of Captain Falcon, two deserters from our own ranks, a Yoshi, an angel called Pit and a creature called Sonic, who seems to be a very fast runner from another planet."
("He knows more about me than Snake does," thought Sonic, bitterly.)
"And possibly my princess," grumbled Bowser.
"Possibly. And up until now, they have been causing untold havoc. I hear that rumours are spreading, exaggerating their power and painting them as our destroyers. Something must be done."
"But what?" asked Ridley in anguished tones. "They seem to be moving too quickly for a full-scale assault."
"That brings me onto the third point," said Ganondorf, merrily. "It's the one Bowser and I are most excited about. Isn't that right, Bowser?"
"Shall we show them?" said Bowser, his voice taking on a malicious edge.
"Gentlemen," declared Ganondorf to the room, "this may well be the solution to all our problems. A way to bolster our attacks on rebellious nations. A way to take out those worms that try to stand up to us. King Dedede, throw away your Waddle Dees, your Paint Rollers and your Krackos; Ridley, disband your Space Pirates; Porky, your robots will no longer be necessary, for soon you will have an army of heroes at your disposal."
"Hey, my robots are cool," said Porky.
"And I disbanded the Space Pirates months ago," Ridley chimed in.
"Thank you for interrupting mid-speech," said Ganondorf in a lower voice, before continuing: "I present to you, the result of a year of hard work: the first fruits of our great endeavour, Project Z!"
There were "ooh"s and "aah"s from the villains, and "Sweet lord!" from Wolf.
"Wish I could see what was going on down there," said Snake balefully.
o o o
While (roughly) half of the LOL had crept through the castle with a clear direction (towards the top), the other half had possessed no inkling of where exactly they would find the Halberd. Fortunately, the route was not hard to find – Snake's route had been down from the Halberd to the entry hall, into the main hall to plant the bug, and then up to the Princess' chamber, and he had left a clear trail of dead and unconscious guards every step of the way. There had been the occasional Moblin who regained consciousness as the troupe had passed, but Meta Knight's sword had put paid to them before they could raise the alarm.
Finally, they had followed the path of destruction to a green and leafy terrace, where a large object took centre stage.
"…and so," finished Pit, "Mewtwo could still have babies despite having no sexual organs. It just needs to call up the falcons that bring…"
"At last," interrupted Meta Knight gratefully. "Behold!"
Pit and Yoshi nodded their heads in admiration at the warship before them. It was a massive creation, all wings and cannons and jets, with a giant version of Meta Knight's mask on the front. Wario toddled up behind, his arms full of jewellery taken from the fallen forms of guards.
"Wow," he said. "What a ship."
"Indeed," said Meta Knight. "And this is the day I reclaim it for my own."
His cape in wing form again he glided towards the door, the others trying to keep pace behind him. With only a few metres to go before he reached the ship, the gangplank fell.
"Kill them all! Wahaha!"
"I know that voice," said Wario grimly.
"As do I," said Meta Knight.
A squadron of Waddle Dees emerged from the ship, crashing forward with their one-eyed friends the Waddle Doos. Behind them, a squadron of Goombas, Koopa Troopers and winged Koopas, Paratroopas, surged forward, pushing Meta Knight backwards. In the darkness of the door, a tall, thin man in purple hat and tunic and black dungarees peered out. He twirled his thin mustachios beneath his large red nose with one hand, and bore a tennis racket in the other.
"Hey, he looks like a thin version of you!" said Pit to Wario, notching his bow.
"Unfortunately, he's related to me," said Wario, before charging fist-first into the fray.
"Wario, my brother!" cried Waluigi, hacking through his own troops with his racket to get to the fat man. "They say you betrayed us, and yet you come back to give your old bro a hug!"
"Sure I do!" yelled Wario, throwing his body into the ranks and bowling the footsoldiers aside. "Come and let me embrace your stick-thin, snappable body."
Pit's arrows and Yoshi's eggs flew into the army, while Meta Knight and Wario repulsed the first wave. The Waddle Doos, smarter than the average charging grunt, fired laser beams from their eyes, and some even threw spiked balls at their foes. Pit had his Mirror Shield to deflect the projectiles, but Yoshi was forced to dodge awkwardly.
"It's my lucky day," said Waluigi, grabbing a Waddle Dee and serving it overarm. "Anybody who kills off a member of your group gets promoted to LOVE High Council!"
"How cute," said Wario, punching the Waddle Dee out of the way. "You can carve that title on your headstone!"
Meta Knight swept over the heads of the onrushing crowd in an attempt to reach his ship, but a spiky ball hit him on the mask and sent him flying.
"Meta Knight's in trouble!" cried Pit, detaching the halves of his bow and rushing forwards.
Yoshi made some squeaks that Meta Knight might have translated as "State the bleeding obvious, why don't you?" (but probably not since Meta Knight was more polite than that) and rushed headfirst after Pit. His head collided with a Koopa shell and stunned him slightly, but he pressed onwards.
Wario and Waluigi met in the centre of the mêlée, having cleared out a small space around them. Wario was on the back foot, as he was under attack from the troops around him as well as his brother, and Waluigi was the nimbler of the two. He jumped around and hacked away with his racket. Wario ducked and rolled and wished he had bought some more garlic. The combination of a Goomba charging at his legs and a drop shot to the face bowled him over onto his bottom.
"Who knows?" taunted Waluigi, as Wario's head was toasted by a Waddle Doo's laser. "When I kill you, they might even put me in charge of Wario Ware Inc. Only I'll change the name to Waluigi Ware Inc. Not bad, eh?"
Wario snapped. Grabbing two Paratroopas and banging their skulls together, he hurled them at Waluigi and charged, with almost visible steam emerging from his ears.
"TAKE YOUR STINKING GLOVES OFF OF MY COMPANEEE!"
o o o
"Any questions, gentlemen?" asked Ganondorf.
"Is that the only one?" said King Dedede.
"Already, Bowser and I are making use of others, and as the project progresses they will be available in all of your favourite flavours."
"Like, what are we going to use them for?" queried Porky.
"To attack our foes. Simple."
"When can we start using them?" asked Ridley.
"Soon. Very, very soon."
There was the sound of a large intake of breath that seemed to suck the air out of the microphone. Then there came the sound of a deep, booming voice.
"Small black object up here. Attached to lights."
"Shit," said Snake.
o o o
"What," said Ganondorf slowly.
"Small black thing. Padded texture. Might be a microphone."
"Why did you wait until now to say so?" shouted Ganondorf, as Rayquaza dropped the object onto the table.
"Only just saw it," thundered the dragon. "Until now, had eyes closed. Talk dead boring."
Ridley examined the object.
"It's a bug," he confirmed, placing one long claw through the device.
Bowser stood up. "Someone has invaded this castle, and I have a fair idea about who. Dedede, I want you to take some of the castle guards up to the top of the castle and check Princess Zelda's room. Porky, take another lot to where the Halberd's parked. Ridley, get out and check the magic shield."
A Moblin rushed into the hall. "Sorry to interrupt, sirs, but the magic shield has been down for the last hour!"
A Waddle Dee came in through another door, and spoke in a small and tremulous tone (an impressive feat for a creature without a mouth): "King Dedede, our foes are attacking the Halberd, and they've almost overpowered the troops we left on board! And all the castle guards I saw on my way down are dead!"
Bowser swore.
"It's been down for an hour and you only just thought to tell us?" yelled Ridley at the Moblin, clutching his temples.
"We didn't wanna disturb y'all! We were on guard duty in front. Only one guy got in, and he came back out again! Tall man, big cloak…"
"Ridley, Rayquaza, you stay with me," yelled Bowser. "Wolf, get your Arwing. You two, get to your posts! You feeling all right, Ganondorf?"
Ganondorf was sitting bolt upright in his chair, saying nothing but gripping the arms tightly and shaking ever so gently.
"Snake…"