A/N:

Phew. So this update has been a long way coming. To make it a little better this will be a two chapter-update and hopefully, a third chapter will be up shortly followed.

The following chapter (chapter 9) will be the only chapter in the story written in a third-person point of view, and it was so difficult to write! I'm still not sure that I am all too satisfied with how it turned out, but it will have to do for now.

A huge thank you to the people who have reviewed on the previous chapters - I'm so thrilled that the story has you all going with so many feels! Whether it be good or bad, hah. Hopefully, you will enjoy how it all plays out in the end. Happy reading!

2 YEARS EARLIER...

Alec clenched his fists and closed his eyes. He had his back turned against Magnus. Alec was trying really hard not to yell, but right now he felt so frustrated and angry. No, he didn't feel angry. He felt hurt.

This wasn't the first fight they had had about Magnus's fluctuated behavior. Lately, there had been quite a few, to be honest, and they were only becoming more and more frequent as Magnus's moods got worse.

Lately, it was like he wasn't even with Alec most of the time, even when he was there; like he was stuck in his mind with thoughts he couldn't get free of. And every time Alec asked about it, Magnus just shut down.

That was how the fights always started. Usually, they ended with either Magnus or Alec leaving the loft in anger or frustration and a few hours later when things had settled, they would make peace. Right until the next time, and then everything would start over.

However, this time it was different. No matter how many times they argued Magnus had never talked about leaving or about the fact that maybe they shouldn't be together. They had each other. That was just the way things were now. Or at least it was the way things used to be.

Alec took a deep breath before he turned around to look at Magnus.

"I can't believe you just said that. What happened to when things get crazy, don't push me away?"

Magnus sighed, "I'm not pushing you away, Alexander." That was a lie. Magnus knew he was pushing Alec away, but what else could he do? This was the only solution he knew, "I'm just saying that I think I need to get away. I'm a complete mess, and I'm not... I'm not good for you right now."

"The only thing you need to do right now, Magnus, is to talk to me. You've been like this for months, and every time I try to get you to talk to me, you act like this. It's like you're not even giving me a chance."

For the first time since the fight started Magnus looked up at Alec and it almost broke the warlock's heart to see Alec looking at him like that; so full of frustration and confusion. And something third Magnus couldn't quite interpret. But no matter what it was it only helped convince Magnus that he needed to do this. If not for anything else, then for Alec.

"I am trying, Alexander," Magnus said truthfully, "I know you don't think I am, but I'm trying. But right now I am only destroying us, and I am going to destroy everything good we ever had if I don't try to do the right thing now. I know I am. I can see it in the way you're looking at me, and I don't want you to look at me one day and hate me."

For a brief second Alec almost laughed. Why did Magnus always have to be so dramatic about everything? Indeed he was looking differently at Magnus, but it had nothing to do with hate. The only way Alec was looking at Magnus right now was with pure worry.

Alec's face softened a bit as he stepped closer to the warlock and gently cupped his face.

"Believe me, when I say, that I am certainly not thrilled about you right now. But Magnus, I could never hate you. I love you. Don't you get that? And I want to love you, each and every piece of you. I can see you're struggling. And I... I don't understand why you won't let me help you? You have to let me be there for you. I can't... I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on."

"You're right. You don't understand..." Magnus closed his eyes for a moment and let himself feel the calm of Alec's palm on his face, and his heart almost broke. "You can't help me," he whispered quietly.

"I can. You know I can. You just have to help me understand first," Alec whispered desperately.

"You can't. You can't understand this. No one can. It's like I have all these voices in my head all the time, and I don't know how to keep them quiet any longer." Magnus looked up at Alec with tears in the corners of his eyes, "But I do know that I need to figure it out on my own. I love you far too much to put you through this any longer. Alexander, you... You deserve so much more than this. Someone who isn't wrestling demons in their head all the time. You deserve someone whole." Magnus felt his voice crack as he spoke the last sentence, "I can't be that person."

Alec took a breath he didn't even know he had been holding. He knew what was happening, but he also knew that it just couldn't happen.

"Magnus, are you even listening to me? I don't care about your demons. And I certainly don't care about you not being whole. No one is whole, Magnus. You don't need to face all of this alone. That's not how we do things. Just... Please, just let me help you."

Magnus didn't say anything, and Alec could feel himself starting to become more and more desperate.

"If you love me, then you can't... You can't do this. It's been three years, Magnus. You're not doing this to me. Not like this. Please."

Magnus squeezed his fits. He needed to stay strong. Right now everything inside of him was screaming to just pull Alec close and never, ever let go of him. Everything except that small voice that kept growing stronger and Magnus couldn't stop it. He needed to do this.

He pulled away from Alec's touch, "I wish you could hear what I hear in my head all the time, Alexander. In my heart, I am all yours, but my head... My head keeps telling me that I'm not what you should be around. I feel like you're betting all your money on me and I don't - I don't deserve to have you betting everything on me. I am the least suited person for it. And I'm sorry that it took me so long to figure out. I should have done this a long time ago. I just... I was being selfish."

Alec looked at Magnus with a despairing look, "Do I even get a say in this? Because you should know by now that I don't see it that way. Magnus, you deserve everything. And I want to give it to you. Why can't you just let me do that?"

Magnus moved closer to Alec and this time it was his turn to gently cup Alec's cheek.

"I love you. My sweet, beautiful Alexander... You are the realest thing I have ever had in my life. Nothing will change that. But one day you will see that I was right to do this. And you will thank me for it."

"That's bullshit." Alec murmured.

"Alexander..." Magnus leaned his forehead against Alec's and both men closed their eyes. Breathing each other in.

"This can't be happening. I can't... I can't lose you."

"Alec..."

"Please. We can fix this, Magnus. Just... Please. Just stay. Let me try and fix this."

"This is not something you can fix. I have to do this." Magnus paused and concentrated on keeping his voice steady, "I need you to let go of me, Alexander. Please. You need to let me go..."

Magnus placed a gentle kiss on Alec's forehead. Alec couldn't answer. Even if he had known what to say there was a huge possibility that he would come completely undone the second he tried speaking. So he kept his eyes closed and didn't say anything.

The next time he opened them, Magnus was gone.