Chapter 9. The bitter taste
One by himself…. three in the west... and eight… no, nine at the base camp. And one more moving in fast. The first flickered out and all of a sudden the lot in the middle started to move, their shouts echoing in the distance so that even he could hear them.
Kenshin cringed, hating the shouting.
It was sweltering hot as the summer sun bore hotly above the treetops and kept heating the air. The mosquitoes kept circling him and idly, he swatted at one that was biting him. It died just as easily as the little flickers of ki presences, disappearing one by one in the distance.
He still didn't like this, but where Master went he followed. And as Master had explained time after another, he had a duty to protect the happiness of common people.
So would Kenshin, one day, as a practitioner of Hiten Mitsurugi style swordsmanship.
It was just that occasionally he couldn't understand how killing people would protect the happiness of common people. He had even asked about it, but Master had said that people who had abandoned their livelihoods to rob and plunder from others had no right to live. That by killing some, like the weeds in a garden, the good and ordinary people wouldn't suffer so much. After all, they already had a hard life with the "increased taxation, foreign demands and economic instability."
So whenever they would encounter bandits in their travels, Master would take the time to "clean" the camps.
And…
"The sword is a weapon. The art of swordsmanship is the art of killing. This is the truth. You know this Kenshin." That was the truth, but still…
To make things worse, seeing people die occasionally brought back the living memories of Kasumi's death and the massacre. Master had said that they would pass on their own with time, just like most of the regular nightmares had. However, the living memories scared and unsettled Kenshin, and there had been a few more incidents with bedwetting. It was beyond embarrassing, even shameful, but Master had just ignored the incidents, leaving him alone to wash his soiled clothing and bedding.
On those mornings, Kenshin usually felt really bad and truly he would have appreciated the comfort Osumi-san had offered. Her caring warmth had soothed him. However, now that they were travelling with just the two of them again, it just wasn't possible. Master just wasn't the type of person to hug and make it all better.
Especially not now, as the swordsman seemed colder. Perhaps Master missed Osumi-san as well?
So maybe it was just natural that Kenshin turned to the spirit-friend in search of comfort and caring. Helpfully, it had reminded him of the warm things making up the wall separating them. So, slowly, when he felt like he needed the reassurance of warm comforting feelings and memories, he had taken to widening the hole in the wall.
It had an additional use of being good for training, now that Master had begun teaching him to use coldness – ki – to better sense people. And doing that was easier when he had more coldness in his side of the wall to use.
However, he hadn't continued to take down the wall too often, because first of all, it was a really tiring effort. Secondly, Kenshin had noticed that when he removed the pieces of the wall they would disappear.
It was a little bit frightening, in truth.
While the making of the wall felt good, they were also memories. And though they weren't particularly important memories, Kenshin didn't like losing them. So, he had reasoned to touch them and widen the gap in the wall only when it was needed.
However, despite the bad and unsettling things, learning to wield the sword was fun. Kenshin liked the thought of growing strong like Master. Then he, too, could protect the people and no one could ever take away the people he cared about.
During these spring and early summer months they had been travelling again, Master had taught him two more katas and had begun to spar with him. Well, it was more like Master would tell him to attack, and when he did, Master would swat him away like a fly. But it was fun. It was something new and it felt more real than the endless repetitions of basic strikes and dance-like katas.
"How many have you counted, Kenshin?"
Eeeep! Master is back! Kenshin scrambled up from the soft forest floor where he had been lying, hiding.
How many was...? Ah, ah – there was that one, and three and nine, so that made…
"Thirteen!"
And Master nodded. "Correct. You are getting more accurate. You even noticed the three on the west end of the camp this time." With those words, the older man turned and started trekking back to the road through the forest.
Master feels warm. Kenshin gaped, his mouth hanging open.
It felt like approval. A smile rose to his lips and he rushed to follow. For that warm feel and nod, he would do everything and anything.
Master walked ahead with long strides as he always did, but despite the dry and hardened roadside, he hardly made any noise. It was the same, no matter where he walked. It was curious and Kenshin had been trying to copy it, because it seemed a really cool thing. And maybe, someday, he could surprise Master too, and not always be the startled one.
They reached the road after a mile or so, and headed eastward. Master had said that they were travelling to Bizen domain for the moment. He hadn't mentioned why, but he hardly ever explained his reasoning to Kenshin, so that was nothing new.
To be perfectly honest, Kenshin was quite certain that the swordsman didn't know why either, that he would just go where he felt like going. It didn't seem to be a useful way to travel, but then again because of it, Kenshin was constantly seeing new places. They would stop at villages to restock, and when the money was running low, Master would find work.
They made camp near sunset like usual. Master made the fire, leaving Kenshin to root around their supplies, looking for kettle and rice. For a while now, Kenshin had been trying to learn to cook for them. Of course, he made mistakes all the time, burned the rise or committed other embarrassing errors, but Master didn't comment on it much. It wasn't out of kindness or tact, thought, but because the older man wasn't any better at it, really.
On the other hand, thanks to Osumi-san's lessons, Kenshin had some idea how to get better. Still, despite the fact that he had kind of grown to like cooking, occasionally he couldn't help but miss Osumi-san and her food.
After the meal, Master started to write a short text on the ground. This was a new development in Kenshin's reading lessons. Master would write out something for him to attempt to figure out. Apparently, the swordsman was of the opinion that if he had been listening, he should be able to recognize quite a few of the common picture words by now.
The texts that Master wrote were always short and weird. But for some reason when Kenshin stopped to think on them, they always seemed to contain some message, some piece of wisdom or observation. It felt like Master was testing him. But also, on some days, the texts seemed to have no point at all but to sound good when read out loud or to be beautiful. So, though, it was tricky to make sense of them, Kenshin had come to enjoy the challenge of it.
It was like a game of riddles.
The one that he was at the moment trying to solve sounded more like of the pretty sort. Spirit... Water. Sea. Light…
"What does this one mean?"
"Firefly."
Huh, Firefly? Okay then… Time. Peace. It took him a while to figure out all the letters, but when he did, it was easier to figure out the meaning out loud.
"Spirit like water in sea… lights of fireflies end, time for peace."
The first line sounded a bit familiar, but then again, Kenshin was quite familiar with spirits. And he had always felt like the coldness was similar to water. But, if spirit is like water and everything has a spirit, wouldn't the coldness feel more like the sea?
But some people, especially men with weapons, can feel really bright with their coldness, almost like a light in anger. Now that Kenshin thought about it, it was almost exactly like fireflies would look like when flying above a lake in the evening.
End - like killed? Time for peace? But that's what Master did today! He killed the angry lights in the sea of coldness for peace! Kenshin smiled, happy in realization. "It's an observation of what happened today."
Master nodded, and asked with a low rumble, "You didn't have any living memories today, Kenshin?"
"No, not today," Kenshin answered readily enough. He had learned to trust Master and tell him of these things when asked.
And it wasn't like he would get scared nowadays of just feeling with the ki how the bandits died. He knew what was happening, and while he still had trouble accepting the idea of killing, he kinda understood why Master was doing it. It was for a good purpose.
Helping people was a good thing.
Besides, it wasn't killing, exactly, that caused the living memories, but more like…
"It's the smell of blood. Screams, shouts." Kenshin tried to explain it out loud. "I didn't see much then, so just seeing it happen doesn't remind me so badly or even hurt that much, but… When I hear the shouts or smell the blood, it just brings it right back."
"Hmm. You will get used to it in time, but it's not something to hurry with," Master conceded. "Alright, let me see your third Kata. It may be time to teach you a new one. Did you get tired with ki earlier?"
"Not really."
And with those words, Kenshin stood up and picked up his sword, and started to go through the latest kata. He really wanted to get to a new one already.
In the middle of the summer, early in the seventh month, Master took him to a waterfall and declared that they would camp there for a while. When Kenshin asked why, the only answer he had gotten to justify this odd development was that Master felt that it was a good training spot.
For what training the shallow pond, slow river and waterfall could be any good for was unclear. Well, before Master had ordered Kenshin to spar with him.
The cool water had felt really good against the bare skin, constantly sweaty from the scorching sun. But sparring in the water?
After a short while, it felt like Kenshin's legs were made from lead!
And Master just smirked. "Your arms have gotten stronger and you have good stamina, but your legs need some strength, too. This will help with that."
That explained why they were suddenly stopping during the best time for getting work and gathering travel funds. Kenshin felt a bit touched, really. He shouldn't forget that Master did care, in his own way.
It was all because of that one discussion, when he was told straight that he couldn't ever learn to fight exactly like Master.
Master had shaken his head before remarking thoughtfully, "You are small, and I doubt that you will ever gain enough mass or strength to overpower most men, so it doesn't make any sense to teach you my style. No. At heart, Hiten Mitsurugi is about ki and how to use it as a tool to strengthen the attacks. The basic swordsmanship is always taught to suit the apprentice. My style is for strength. Obviously, it won't suit you. No, we will need to find a way to use your size to your advantage. The most logical solution to that is speed."
Back then, Kenshin had wondered about the words quite a bit. Master's opinion wasn't very nice and it hurt… but he could understand it, a bit. After all, big and strong boys would grow to be big strong men, everybody knew that and he just wasn't like that. If there was a way for him to be a good swordsman, he would learn it. He wouldn't be weak, never again.
No. I will grow strong, to protect people just like Master... that's a dream worth fighting for.
So they sparred in the water. When Kenshin couldn't move any more, Master would have him do repetitions of basic strikes under the waterfall. He would go to sleep utterly exhausted, every muscle screaming in protest.
Week after week, every day was filled with hard work and exercise.
But no matter how hard Kenshin worked, Master would scowl. Even before, the swordsman hadn't been an easy man to please… but during the training at the waterfall, it became an impossible task to gain Master's approval.
It worried him, if he was perfectly honest. He had been working as hard as he could, doing repetitions until he simply couldn't anymore, never slacking, never complaining…
So one late summer evening, he finally managed to win his hesitations and asked the swordsman about it. Master frowned, ki growing oddly still… but then answered frankly, "You should have gotten faster by now, even if only a slightest amount. To be an effective swordsman, you will need to be a lot faster than others. Training in the water should help with that, but it doesn't seem to work. Not well enough."
With those words, Master rose and left him alone with his thoughts.
Kenshin retired early, mind filled with doubts and fears. No matter how he tried to avoid thinking bad things, they just seemed to pile up. If there was something in the world he wanted to avoid, it was disappointing Master. But if the hard training wasn't working, maybe it was because he was different and simply couldn't become what Master wished?
It really shouldn't have been a surprise that the nightmares filled his sleep after that. This time, though, they were of villagers calling him useless, bad luck, foreigner, different, of their disapproving gazes and even being sold again.
When he woke up, he had wet the bed.
It only served to make him feel even worse. Why was he such a disappointment? No matter what he did, he was always too weak, just an odd foreigner, a crybaby that couldn't even sleep like normal people.
He knew that Master wouldn't abandon him.
If Master wanted to get rid of him, he would have already done that. No. Master had promised that Kenshin was his student, and if the training didn't work, he would figure out another way for him to get better. That was what Master did; if there was a problem, he would solve it.
Or so Kenshin hoped.
The only thing he could do was to work as hard as he could. But still, there was this persistent fear that this waterfall training was doomed to fail, that it wouldn't do him any good.
Maybe he was just too small, too weak to be of use to anyone…
A week later at the beginning of their training session, Master introduced a new idea to Kenshin. "You have used ki to enhance your hearing before. But ki can also be used to strengthen the muscles. It's something that Hiten Mitsurugi style requires for advanced strikes. However, while it is very early and therefore dangerous to introduce the concept to you... perhaps we should attempt it."
This is it! This, this can actually work! Kenshin thought enthusiastically, feeling relieved. After all, the coldness had been the answer before. It was his thing. It had made the Master proud of him before.
I am good with ki.
Kenshin knew this. It was like, if there was one thing in the world that made him special, made him actually worth something, it would be the coldness, the ki.
But…
When he had promised not to use the coldness without Master's permission, the spirit-friend had been disappointed in him. Kenshin had only talked with spirit-friend after that, even though he knew that the spirit liked when he used the coldness. Maybe because of that, it just hadn't been the same, since.
Even when he had removed pieces of the wall to enhance his ki sense earlier in the summer, the spirit hadn't become any happier. No. It just hadn't been the same as during their time with Asano or in Osumi-san's house when they had done the hearing trick. It was like there was something wrong between him and the spirit. Unspoken. Maybe this would fix it?
"I think that it would be easiest to begin with directing the spiritual energy to the legs and using it to enhance jumps. It's where this type of training usually starts."
Kenshin nodded, for once understanding Master's logic easily. When he had drawn coldness to ears, it had made them work better, so it followed that drawing a trickle of the coldness to his legs would make them stronger, though this to the spirit-friend, sent a memory of his problems with the speed training and asked for help with the coldness.
Hesitation. Disagreement. Worry. Anger. Loneliness. Sadness. Anger at Master.
…What? Kenshin froze, utterly stunned. The spirit-friend had always been there for him, had been always willing to would it stop now?So he thought to it firmly, 'This is important. I need your help!'
'It won't work,' the spirit-friend finally answered with a whispering sound.
'Why?'
It felt like a good idea to him. After all, Master had suggested it and Master knew ki, too!
Anger at master. Disappointment. Jealousy. Hesitation.
And then a simple but firm whisper, 'No.'
Kenshin was suddenly pulled from his baffling almost-a-fight with his spirit-friend by Master's voice. "…need to gather your ki to your core. The next step is to visualize your leg muscles and then focus and let the blood flow to move the energy to your legs. When you feel steady output, then it's only a matter of control to make it useful to aid for the jump."
Kenshin couldn't help but stare at Master, mouth falling open.
The spirit –my friend, who has been there for me so long, doesn't want to help me? And it's angry at me? At Master? So much that it refuses to help? And it said that my idea wouldn't work and… and…
…What the Master described isn't like what I did with the coldness earlier!
Kenshin swallowed, feeling stuck…
And somehow he couldn't help but to remember how Master had shouted at him earlier, told him that he could kill himself for using ki the wrong way. And it had hurt and how his ears had bled just because he had used too much coldness – used it wrong.
But training in water wasn't working as it should. And no matter what, he couldn't disappoint Master.
What should I do?
Master was frowning at him. "Don't just stand there like an idiot. Go ahead and try it, Kenshin."
What was he supposed to do? To do as he thought was a good idea, which the spirit thought wouldn't work, but the spirit didn't often agree with him anyway… But the spirit had always known coldness better than him! It was made of the coldness. Of course it would know coldness better!
Or should he try to do as Master told him to do, which didn't make any sense at all?
And now the swordsman was frowning already. Would Master get angry at him for failing again? He couldn't fail, not again! Not when the Master had finally a figured out a way to get faster, that Kenshin agreed that could work…
What am I supposed to do?
"Idiot student. Focus. Take your head out of the clouds and focus! Try it out!"
So he did as Master told him to.
The spirit sent him a feeling of anger and disappointment.
Master's disappointment had been getting steadily more obvious as the weeks passed, and now at the beginning of harvest season they left the waterfall, because the training hadn't been working out at all. Well, Master had said that the reason was that they had been running out of food supplies... but it was a lie.
They both knew the unspoken truth – the real reason – which was that Kenshin was a failure.
Now that they were on the road again, Kenshin still spent every free moment, every single day trying to figure out the ki and Master's instructions for using it. Not that it helped.
In truth, nothing seemed to help and failing day after day made him feel steadily worse. And while the spirit-friend was still there to talk to him, it refused to help out with the ki. When Kenshin asked about it, the spirit just said that it wouldn't work but didn't offer any other explanation at all.
Constant failure and stress made the nightmares worse. Even though there hadn't been any problems with the living memories for a while now, Kenshin couldn't sleep a night without having a nightmare about failing, people telling him how useless he was, being sold and recently, of Master telling that he wouldn't train him anymore.
He just didn't know what to do.
The core of the problem was, or so it seemed to him, that no matter how hard he tried or how Master tried, they didn't understand each other when it came to ki. What use was mediation, concentrating the ki to the core, using breathing exercises? Master's way of using it just didn't make any sense! It was like they both saw the ki in totally different way and couldn't use the other's methods at all.
One night, Kenshin was so sick and tired of the current standstill that he decided to risk it and experiment with his own idea of using coldness to his legs like he had done with his ears. When Master was hunting, he sneaked out of the camp to have some privacy.
At a good secluded spot, he started to gather the coldness to his side of the wall, just like he had done last winter. Drawing the trickle of coldness to his left leg took forever, but then when he was almost there… Kenshin realized that he had absolutely no idea where to direct it. It was just a moment's pause in concentration and a flare of panic, but it was enough to lose control of the trickle and it splashed…
"AAAAAAAHHHHH!"
…and his left leg burst out with absolutely terrible pain.
Tears gathered in his eyes and he bit his knuckles to fight the pain, but there was nothing else to do but to try to get the coldness away, away, away as fast as he Kenshin finally managed to get the ki away and rolled his pant leg up, he saw an ugly mess. The surface blood vessels of his leg had burst so badly that the thigh was all over bruised and it was already starting to swell.
It looked bad, but what was more horrible was how his leg ached.
Staring at it, utterly scared and in panic, Kenshin tried to stifle a rising wail. He needed help, right now.
But Master was out there, hunting and he had no chance of finding the older man. He was too far away to scream for help, too.
The next choice was to get to the camp, and to their supplies.
Oh god, it hurts! It hurts so badly.
Kenshin whimpered, but fought the pain and rose to stand. Then he started limping back to the camp for the good mile through the forest, just one painful step after another.
The aftermath was absolutely horrible.
Over anything else, even worse than the physical pain and reality of his failure, was Master's disappointment and scolding. It felt like the worst thing on earth to sit there silently and hear Master shouting at him, telling that he was "an idiot for risking his health" and reminding that Kenshin had promised to "never again use ki without instruction".
And his leg?
It hurt.
It hurt so badly that he couldn't walk more than a mile before needing to ask to take a break. Yet, no matter the pain and shame, it was almost worth if – if only because Master banned him from training or even trying to use ki for the next two weeks. Being sick and healing was as good of an excuse as it could get from the constant feeling of failure, of coming to realize that he was as useless with the sword as he was with everything else.
But when his leg was almost healed and it was time to resume the training again, then came the worst blow of them all. Master called his attention, his face still like a mask, not giving out any hint of his feelings, and spoke calmly, "Let's move on to other things with your training. It was too early to introduce you to ki. You are too young for it."
The only thing Kenshin had been truly good at was now the source of his greatest failure.
AN: Edited first by Chie in 2013, then again 14.11.2015 by BelovedStranger.