This chapter has been revised!
CH 10 – There's blood on my hands, half is mine and half is yours
(Title inspired by a playlist of the same name. You can find it on 8tracks by angryfeminist)
After Dorian had managed to get that promise out of her, he declared his mission accomplished and took his leave together with the bowl of now finished stew.
When she had said she was gonna talk to Cullen as soon as possible, she hadn't counted on the ire of her stern healer, though. When Solas heard of her tiny adventure, he took the care of properly scold her and advise her not to try such a fit again in the near future, else he'd tie her to her bed. For the following week, a poor soldier had been charged to keep guard outside her door, hence she was stuck there for another whole seven days.
Cullen didn't come to see her.
One day, it was probably sometime before midday, a ruckus in the main courtyard caught her attention. There was excitement in the air and she moved from the table to the window to try and find out what was happening. She had no luck though, the view from there only allowed her a restricted view of the far side of the yard, a portion of the battlements and the never-ending dunes of the desert.
With a sigh she let it go. Whatever was going on, she knew she would hear from the others later in the day. Not indulging further, she went back to her seat and the book she was reading - Swords and Shields, the latest chapter, a kind gift from her favourite dwarf.
It was only twenty minutes later that the same noise appeared outside her door and came barging in.
Thalia jumped on her chair, not really registering the three figures that had come in through the door.
'Commander! What the fucking hell were you thinking?!' A voice shouted in the middle of all the chaos.
When it came through to her, Thalia stood still with her mouth hanging open in disbelief.
'Nathaniel?' She couldn't believe her eyes when she focused on the trio standing in the middle of the room.
'Is that you Velanna?' She asked, looking at the smirking elf next to the current Warden-Commander of Ferelden.
Then she moved her gaze and found another pair of pointed ears.
'Andraste's sweet tits, you too Zevran?!'
The assassin let out a pleased chuckle, he was happy to see that his old friend still retained her dirty language, no matter what.
'You are correct my old friend, 'tis
the handsome me indeed.' He said, his voice purring with his usual thick antivan accent.
Thalia blinked several times, she still couldn't wrap her head around the fact that they all were really standing there in front of her.
It had been years since the last time she had seen any of them...
'What in the Maker's name are you doing here?!' She asked, sitting back down on the chair.
'I should be the one asking that! You disappear for years, and the first thing I hear about you, is that you threw yourself at another fucking monster but-oh-wait you are not really dead but just stuck in the fucking Fade?!' Nathaniel burst out without even breathing once.
Thalia was surprised but not really. Leliana had told her about the missive she had sent upon hearing of her disappearance, which meant that the current Warden-Commander had been informed too. The part she hadn't expected was him actually catching up to her. Not with Velanna and Zevran on tow, at least.
She wanted to know how in the Void had they come together, but she decided not to let curiosity get the best on her.
'First of all, it's just Thalia now; you are the Commander now. Unless you've passed the burden to someone else, that is.' She pointed out, crossing her arms over her chest defensively.
'We have a number of promising successors, but no one is quite ready to take over...' He grumbled, still glaring at her.
'Stop deflecting questions, Amell.' this time was Velanna who interrupted, calling her out on her bullshit of a strategy.
Thalia scoffed at her and mumbled some things under her breath that none of them could quite catch.
As if both Solas and Dorian hadn't been enough, now those three where certainly there to make sure she didn't flee under the radars again.
When would people just stop care about her, already?!
'Whatever you are about to try, it's not going to work amica mia.' Zevran added, eyeing her suspiciously.
Yeah, sure, let's add an Antivan Crow in the mix! Because three spies under one roof weren't enough already! She thought bitterly, glaring at her old friend.
After some more time of glaring competition, Thalia decided to give in to the three.
There was no point in arguing any longer.
'Fine! I'm sorry ok? I shouldn't have disappeared like that. I just needed space...' she mumbled, still not looking at them.
She heard Nathaniel let go of a sigh, and soon enough he appeared in her line of sight, kneeling in front of her chair and taking her hands reassuringly in his.
'I knew you weren't fine in your last months with us, I knew that after Anders' disappearance you stopped thinking about yourself…he had meant a lot for you... I also knew about you studying blood magic...I knew everything but I didn't do anything to help...' he confessed in a whisper, squeezing her hands.
For the first time Thalia had to see what her selfishness had caused to others.
The sadness, the regret, the pain, the guilt...they were all eating her friend away and it was her fault.
She carefully watched Nat's face, examining every trait, every line of his skin; he had aged too, and maybe too quickly.
As she realised all those things, a lone tear made her way down her cheek, falling on top of their joined hands.
And then it was Nathaniel's turn to watch his former Commander; the woman that was sitting before him was, without any doubt, Thalia Amell, but there was little left of the proud Warden that had given him a chance to clear his family name.
'I'm sorry...'
The words fell from her lips with the weight of a thousand rocks, heavy and powerful.
It was also the first time she truly apologized for leaving...it made her feel almost lighter.
'Now now, there is no need for tears. What is important is that you are safe, yes?' Zevran gently butt in their moment.
'The whore is right. And now we're here to make sure you forget blood magic and get back on your feet.' Velanna stated, hands firmly placed on her hips and head held high.
'Ouch, you wound me my lovely.' The assassin said with a mock hurt, at which the mage simply sneered in disgust.
That earned a reply from Nathaniel, though.
'Hey! I've told you already, hands off my wife!' He yelled, even though it was clear it was more of a reminder than a real threat.
Thalia laughed together with Zevran, his rich voice filling the air along hers, until something hit her.
'Wait, Wife?!' She almost shouted snapping her head back to the couple that was now standing very closely.
Her amazement rewarded her with a chuckle from the former Dalish, who simply slid an arm around her husband's waist.
'It's been almost two years now. I would have asked you to be our witness, but you were too busy using blood magic and getting stuck in the Void, so...' She trailed off, an amused edge audible in her voice.
Thalia sighed.
Another thing she had missed and would never have back.
'What about you Zevran? Did you get married too? Better say it now if you have..' She pouted, giving him a half glare.
The antivan chuckled, some of his long blond hair escaped the loose bun.
Unlike the others, the years had been more than gentle with the elf, giving him even stronger charms to his traits.
'Well, there is someone...' He conceded, leaving her speechless.
From her seat, Thalia eyed him from head to toe, examining his sheepish grin...and something cliqued in her head.
'Never mind, I don't want to know.' She anticipated, holding up one hand to stop her friend.
If he truly had someone, she didn't want to know just to feel bad.
'Well, that's a pity then. I would have shared him with you, I'm told you're extremely fond of him.' He gloated, crossing his arms and proceeding to smirk.
Thalia was about to ask what he was talking about when a new voice joined in.
'You should stop saying that Zevran, or our poor Commander will die from embarrassment.' Leliana velvety voice objected from the door.
But it wasn't Leliana or her words that caught her attention.
Cullen was standing next to her, sheepishly looking everywhere but at them, a hand rubbing the back of his neck. He was clearly uncomfortable standing there, surrounded by strangers that obviously knew each other.
'You're also a cheater. Didn't you promise to marry me, already?' another voice made itself known.
Alistair walked in the already crammed room with a giant smile on his face and went directly to hug the assassin. Despite the initial dislike from his part, their journey had united them a lot and the two had soon picked up the unhealthy, but very satisfying, hobby to nag Morrigan. And they bonded over it.
'Ah, amico mio! It is a pleasure to see you. The years have been extremely kind to you, yes?' Zevran said, hugging him back.
Alistair chuckled.
'Not as much as to you.' He replied.
Thalia remained silent and watched the exchanges; her heart was aching as it remembered all the things she had had and lost, but her mind was screaming, eager to return to its solitude. She felt helplessly torn between the need to laugh and joke with them and wanting to scream at the top of her lungs.
Her guests kept exchanging pleasantries and engaging in conversations while she just sat there, staring off, trying to keep her feelings in check to avoid another magical outburst.
The room was too small to accommodate all of them and it was starting to feel suffocating.
She felt overwhelmed.
With a deliberate gesture, she forcefully closed the book that still laid open on the table, startling everyone into silence.
Six heads turned to her.
'It's lovely to have you here and all, but I should really rest now.' She said, her voice flat and cold.
It pained her to be so insensitive, but she could not bear to have them all in there, not when half of them knew about her use of blood magic and two former Templars were there too.
The possibilities of a mistake were-
'Jeez, did blood magic corrupt your social skills too?' the Dalish Warden complained.
The whole room seemed to fall in an even more deep silence as the implication her words carried quietly sunk in.
Thalia was holding her breath, eyes wide, and heart racing.
Her mind was running in circles, trying to come up with an acceptable excuse to justify her friend's words. Needless say that she found none.
By the time someone finally spoke up, Thalia was going crazy.
'You heard the Lady, everybody out.' Nathaniel spoke up, throwing a glare at his wife, who just shrugged apologetically.
She couldn't watch any of them as they quickly moved out of the room, feet shuffling awkwardly on the stony floor.
She felt so ashamed and afraid...so vulnerable...
It was only when she heard the door closing that she dared looking up, only to freeze on the chair when her eyes met the unmistakable armoured body standing where she had last checked.
Cullen was standing with his back straight, his arms crossed and was staring coldly at her.
Her heart kept pounding violently in her ribcage as she waited for him to say something, anything.
Cullen could have been a former Templar, struggling to get off the Chantry's leash, and with a changed view on magic and mages, but he still retained his prejudices and bias, which made him incapable of letting a thing as Blood Magic slip under his nose.
She also was well aware that neither of them could ever forget the events of Kinloch Hold, and it just made it all worse.
It took the better part of fifteen long and heavy minutes before he could make up his mind, and as expected, she didn't like what she heard.
'You were there...you saw what Ulderd did, what blood magic caused that day...and you still-' he abruptly closed his mouth, cutting the phrase in half.
Was it rage or sadness that prevented him to accuse her? Or was there something else?
'In the beginning I only started to study it out of sheer curiosity. I had done it with so many improbable subjects that blood magic seemed a joke at comparison...until one day it became useful. Using the blood of fallen enemies to bolster your powers, taking advantage of your own wounds to make them pay...' She trailed off, aware that Cullen was probably feeling nauseated by her words.
But she was telling him this just in the name of truth, not to justify her actions. After all, she did not regret them.
She did not regret Blood Magic.
'And what if you lost control of it? What if you turned into an abomination?'
It was stupid of me to hope his views could have changed that much…
Thalia sighed and stood up, finally standing up to him face to face. A quick glance confirmed her suspects; his hands were closed in fists, knuckles white, and he was clenching his jaw. Now he was angry.
'I didn't and I won't.' She deadpanned, looking him in the eyes.
'I will die before I'm not able to control my own mind. I thought you out of everyone else would not question my willpower...you were at my Harrowing, you know what I'm capable of. I bargained with Sloth and saw through Rage's lies and defeated it. I'm not some random mage that does not even know which end to wield their staff. I'm Thalia Amell, Hero of fucking Ferelden, I survived an Archdemon and the Fade, I will not lose myself over to some crappy demon.' There was a finality in her words that even she hadn't anticipated. It was as if while she spoke she convinced herself as well, and it felt good, it felt right. It had been long since her true self had shone through the depression's darkness, probably too long, but now she wanted to fight. She wanted him to see that she was not wrong.
Cullen watched her with incredulous eyes and had to admit to himself that she was partly right.
She was indeed a remarkable woman and mage and had survived what many wouldn't even dare to imagine, but everyone had a limit, and Blood Magic was above it for everyone, he was sure.
Even if the Chantry hadn't denounced it, there were proofs of the dangers of such practice. Both of them had seen and lived them, how could she say those things after that?
No, he would not accept it.
'I know what Blood Magic does to those who wield it and to those who suffer it...' He insisted, speaking through gritted teeth.
'And so what now? Are you going to demand my head for this crime?' She hissed, inching closer to make her point. 'Or maybe you'd feel better by making me Tranquil, uh?' she added viciously.
'I'd like to see you try.' She said, almost baring her teeth to him.
Thalia was not surprised to hear herself speak those words to him.
What did surprise her, though, was the absence of a reaction on Cullen's part.
His hands were still closed in tight punches on his sides, and his jaw was still clenched, but his eyes were no longer flaring.
He looked tired, and maybe a bit sad.
Abruptly, she felt extremely guilty just for having voiced those thoughts.
Even back in the Circle, Cullen had been one of the only Templars to look at her and see over her being a mage; he'd seen her as a real someone, as the woman behind the magic she was able to use…
All of a sudden her mind was flooded with memories.
She saw herself bent over a tome in the library in the middle of the night with only a dying candle to light the pages, and remembered the strong sense of panic that she had felt when a young Templar had found her. She had been so sure that he was there to reprimand her, or worse, that when he had kindly switched her candle with a new one, she had broken down in tears, making that poor boy probably even more frantic that she had been moments before.
Then she saw the two of them walking the long halls of the tower, chatting as friends are used to do, going about their businesses while keeping company to each other.
And oh, how clearly she could see the day when watching him in the eye instantly made her blush! She had been midsentence and had stuttered like an idiot while her face burned red! He was so confused!
And then she was standing in the middle of the room, ready to take her Harrowing and becoming a full-fledged Enchantress and he was there, watching her with both worry and pride.
After that day, though, it all went to rot.
There had been one last stolen kiss and barely the time to say goodbye and she had to leave everything behind.
When she had returned to the tower months later she was no longer the same woman; she was a Warden now, and her heart was of another, but it had hurt nonetheless to see him reduced to a blind man full of hate, to hear him say that all mages should be eliminated…
But she did not blame him then, and she would not blame him now.
Cullen watched the blind rage quietly slid over Thalia, leaving in its wake a confusing amount of different feelings that showed on her face one after the other.
Something must have happened inside her head, otherwise there would be no reason for such a hasty change in her attitude. If moments ago she had held herself up straight with her head high to defy him, now her shoulders were slumped, her head downcast and…were those sobs?
Hesitantly, he stepped towards her.
When she did not move out of his reach, he extended a hand and went to lift her chin.
She was crying.
Something cringed inside of him.
Seeing her like that reminded him of just how vulnerable she'd been the first time he'd seen her; she was but a girl, not older than he was, wary of everything and everyone.
He'd thought that she hadn't been in there for much, but Gregoir informed him otherwise.
Thalia Amell had been at Kinloch Hold for the better part of her life, she was just that way, not exactly trustworthy of anyone except her mentor and First Enchanter Irwin, but definitely a promising mage.
And so he had kept an eye on her, until he had had the opportunity to make himself known, an encounter that had ended up with tears too.
Now Thalia was silently sobbing in his arms and he felt as lost as that first time.
She grabbed onto his armour and hugged him tight while his heart raced.
'I'm sorry Cullen…' she simply said after a while, to which he didn't exactly know what to answer.
He opted for silence, and in silence they stayed for what felt to him as an eternity.
He was holding the woman he loved, but it all felt too final.
And final it was.
That same night, after a joyful dinner together with her companions – no one of which said a thing about the blood magic accident, though Thalia suspected Leliana had something to do with it - , she took which little possession she had accumulated in the past weeks, and finally left in the middle of the night.
I know I just introduced three characters and already 'm leaving them behind, but it was necessary for the sake of timing.
From here on we'll go on with a bit more speed, but do not fear, w'll have the time to see to every detail!
Let me know what you think about it all, and see you next time!