How to lose your mind.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

I push through the aching in my legs to finish out strong. God its too early to be running. Its always too early to be running. My legs feel strong though. Sprints. Satan's gift to basketball players. You think its bad in the gym? Try it in 25 degrees with that sea wind blowing at your back. Its October and we should be locked in the weight room, not outside on the track.

Southerners, remember?

I force my hands above my head, lacing my fingers over my hair. Yeah, I'm definitely going to need a shower today. The second group jogs up behind us, breathing hard. Gasping for air. I know the feeling. I feel hands on my shoulder, for a millisecond. My eyes flick behind me. Ashley. Of course. Who else would end up in the same lane as me? It wouldn't be anyone but Ashley. God loves me. Or maybe he hates me. It seems to go both ways these days.

Kind of like me.

It was kind of my fault though. Ashley almost running into me, I mean. I was standing too close to the end of the lane and she had to finish it out. A whistle tweets from the sidelines, breaking into the steady chorus of our gasping breath. Little sandpipers at the end of the track spring into the air at the abrupt sound. Coach Gary is sitting over there. Ass on the soft grass. Whistle in his mouth. Blanket around his shoulders. Cup of steaming coffee in his hand.

Asshole.

I step up to the line and realize maybe I'm just taking my anger out on him. I can't believe Jenna cornered Aiden in the hall and told him-and I quote here-that I "had the hots for him". Of all the people, all the places, of all the phrases(!) she could have picked, she chose those. I HATE HER!! And that's the thought that's fueling me as I race from line to line. If there's anything to focus you at sprints in the morning, its being extremely pissed off.

Three

Four.

I skid to a stop next to Ashley and decide to tell her what Jenna did. Now I just need to learn to speak to her without sounding like I have a negative IQ. She's on her third sprint by the time I find some courage. Now I have to figure out what to say. What was that word again? Oh yeah.

Hey.

"Hey." I say, my voice quieter than usual. Her eyes flick up to mine. I can't see anything else. Just those dark brown eyes, looking into mine. I want to know what she's thinking, when she's looking at me like that. With those eyes. I can't explain them. I don't think its the eyes themselves. I think its the person behind them. I've seen gorgeous eyes. My friend Addie has drop dead gorgeous blue green eyes. They are the prettiest eyes I've ever seen in my life. But I could look into them for hours and not feel a drop of what is coursing through me right now. She smiles tightly.

"Hey." She gasps, breathing hard. She seems...cold. Oh shit. She already knows. Fuck. I don't know why I think she would be pissed that I'm "hitting on" her ex-boyfriend. Especially if she broke up with him. But it feels like a betrayal. It feels wrong.

Plus, gross.

"So, uh...about what Jenna did." She frowns. Ok, she doesn't know. She just doesn't like me. Great. Even better. Ok, I don't think I've taken a breath since we started talking. Breathe Spencer! Breathe! She's just another girl. And that thought almost makes me smile, because she so isn't.

"Did what?" She asks. I glance down from her strong gaze. It makes me forget my words. It makes me forget myself. I can still feel her eyes on my face as I watch cars slowly drive past the fence surrounding the track.

"She uh..." I trail off. Why does this girl make me nervous? And another thing. Why is she so quiet? What happened to the girl who sang "Colt 45" - every word - at the first basketball p.e? But when she's around me she seems... subdued. God, she doesn't like me. "Well, she hit on your ex-boyfriend for me." I admit. Something flashes through her eyes but I don't know her well enough to decipher it. Its not a good thing. I wait. And I wait.

And I wait.

Finally, she speaks.

"You like Aiden?" She asks. There's something in her voice too. It matches the flash in her eyes. It matches the tense in her shoulders. Her voice is raspy. It always is, but she's not gasping anymore. I snort, my eyebrows going up. My comfort level going up with them.

"No." No, no, no, no no. "But Jenna wants me to." I add. She drops her questioning gaze from my eyes.

"Oh, ok." Then the whistle tweets again. Geez Coach Gary, you have possibly the worst timing ever. I smile a little anyway though. Then I start running. I'm sprinting again, not even thinking. Because the next best thing for running in the morning? Insane joy. And Ashley has that effect on me.

One.

Ashley.

Davies.

Finally, we're done. I'm pretty much dripping by now and have decided that the shower is my new favorite place. I'm tripping toward the gym when I see her come up next to me. She seems more relaxed now. Nervous barriers have faded under curiousity.

"So what were you saying about Adien?" She asks, looking up to meet my eyes.

Ashley fucking Davies.

"Uh... (why do all my sentences start like that?) you know Jenna Craig?" She nods, a smile flashing over her face. Yeah, she knows Jenna. "Well, she decided that me and Aiden would be the perfect couple. So she told him I liked him. A lot." Ashley grins.

"Sounds like Jenna." I'm a little surprised at that reaction and the easy way she says it.

"Don't you like...care?" I ask. I smile a litte to soften the sentence. I'm starting to relax. My words come easier. But that doesn't stop my flipping stomach or my racing heart, it just makes it easier to speak around them.

"Nope. Not really. Well, kind of. Truthfullly?" She looks into my eyes, one eyebrow cocked in amusement. I feel that warmth seep through me. She's about to tell me something. I want to understand it, but I'm not sure I know her enough to do that. I want to know her enough. I want that so bad. "I broke up with him. Its just...over." I don't know what to do with the senetnce, considering we barely talk to each other and she's telling me...whatever it is that was supposed to mean. She smiles and turns away at the look on my face. "So you can have him, or whatever." I laugh.

"That's ok, I don't really want him." That makes her grin, her nose crinkling. My stomach drops when I realize how close she is. So close that our shoulders, bared by flimsy practice uniforms, brush casually. But the resulting goosebumps are anything but casual and definitely not from the cold.

I can feel my thoughts escaping me. Drifting away like soft cigarette smoke. Like she blew through my mind. At least its not lost this time. The conversation dwindles between us. I can feel slipping away. I'm grasping now, reaching for familarity and ease that I seem to have with every other person on this planet.

Everyone but her.

"I desperately need a shower." She says, pulling her shirt up to wipe sweat off her face. I try to focus my eyes forward. And not at her muscled stomach and black sports bra. I feel my face flush at the feelings crashing through me. My goes mouth dry, lust growing in my stomach. Ok, stop.

"Yeah. Its gonna take forever though." We've fallen behind everyone else. I know its because I want to talk to her. I would go through the entire day sweaty and gross just to continue this. I would go through my entire life sweaty and gross if it meant being with her. I've stopped pausing to wonder at how much I like this girl. How quickly and readily I would fall for her. She smirks.

"I've got an idea. Get your stuff and meet me in front of the gym." She's sped up a bit now and she turns backwards to talk to me. There's a look in her eyes. Its familiar to me, because that's the same look she gets every time she looks at me. Every time I catch her eye. But I think its so familiar because I echo it in my own.

I still don't know what it means coming from me, much less from her.

"Ok." I agree. Her smile widens. Or maybe it just seems that way.

IOIO

The steady chatter of the rest of the team fills the locker room. It's so normal and so expected that I tune it out. It fades to the back of my mind, to meet up with the common sense and normalcy I've shoved back there. And she creeps up into the forefront of my brain.

Right up there with breathing.

I start tossing clothes into my gym bag. Clothes that are spread around my locker in such a disgraceful- as my mother would say- mess, that I don't even know what I'm grabbing. I don't care either. I'm going somewhere with her. The words are singsonged in my brain.

I sling the bag over my shoulder and start slipping through the half-dressed girls surrounding me. These people are my best friends and we share so much, but they don't know one of the most basic things about me. I wonder what they would think if they did. But I don't feel like trying to deal with all those issues right now, so I think about her instead.

I walk through the varisty locker room to see her standing on the stairs, waiting for me. She offers a quick smirk and hops up the rest of the stairs. I smile foolishly and follow her. I catch up with her at the door out of the gym.

"Where are we going?" I ask, looking over to study her face. Feeling exhilirated because I finally have a reason to. We step into the school hall. She smiles a little.

"You'll see." She drops down the steps, clapping her feet against the sitck-on tiles over hard concrete. Her hands press the door open, pushing it all the way off and bouncing it against the wall. She turns back to me. She crosses her arms. "Have you ever been in the guy's locker room?" I raise an eyebrow.

"If I say yes, do I have to say why?" I ask, smiling a little. Flirting a little. She opens her mouth, pretending shock.

"Spencer Carlin! You're a sophomore!" I smile and shake my head.

"I was just kidding. No, I've never been in the guy's locker room." I pause, studying her face. Then I raise my eyebrow. "Can I ask why you have?" I swear I see the hint of a blush seeping into her face. But she turns from me and keeps walking. Not answering. I feel this break in my confidence. A break in the form of a nasty reminder of a not-so-old ex-boyfriend. A flagrantly loud red flag toward her sexuality. My mood slips a little, sliding into that sexuality second-guessing. But then she turns and flashes me this open smile. There's a hint of embarrassment but it seems commonplace inside such a truthful smile as that.

"Aiden." Is all she says, but its enough. Its enough to tell me she's embarrassed and she feels like she has a reason to be. And somehow, that is more than enough. I suddenly notice the cold wind brushing at my bare shoulders. I'm sticky and gross with sweat and now I'm freezing as well. I shiver.

"So where exactly are we going? The boy's locker room? For what?" I ask, running my hands over my arms.

"To shower." She says, as if I should have known it all along. She glances over. "The guys have like twelve more showers than we do, which is crazy, cos girls obviously need to shower more than guys and we only have three, well four, but one's broken, so..." She pauses to breath and catches my slightly taken aback, more amused, look. She looks away and chuckles. Her cheeks flush, from the cold or what, I'm not sure. "Sorry. I had Starbucks this morning." She explains, her hand running over her ponytail. She does this when she's nervous. Or possibly when she's pissed off. I've been watching her for a year, but I still haven't figured that part of her body language out yet. I smirk lightly, a sincere smile shining through. I can feel it tugging at the corners of my mouth.

"I never would have guessed." I say. She smiles, embarrassed, and this time I know she's blushing. And with each word we speak, I'm convincing myself more and more of these feelings that we're harboring. The ones I am positively sure of, and the ones I hope echo in her eyes. The ones I'm crazy for thinking about. I smile too, letting that glaringly bright grin through.

We reach the door to the guy's locker room. She pulls it open to a rush of warmth that puffs out into the air and dissapates. We hurry inside, trying to keep all of that warmth inside, with us. It's deserted, our feet squeaking loudly into the silence. She tosses her stuff on a dark blue bench and walks over to the showers. I'm frozen. I kind of forgot that this meant taking a shower. Like, a naked one.

Umm...

It feels wrong to want to look at her, even though I do. Because who knows if she only wants to be friends? Would you take your crush to take a shower with you? God, my life is fucked up. But I toss my bag onto the bench as well and pick a shower a couple down from her, but not completely obviously across the room.

I turn on the water and it shockingly sprays out on me, coating me with fiercly cold water. I shriek and jump back.

Ashley looks up from by the bench, surprised, and then a grin escapes from her mouth. Me, standing soaked beside the shower. I shoot her a dry look and she starts laughing. She's cracking up and I'm glaring. I blow my dripping bangs out of my face and walk over to her.

"Thanks." I say a little dryly. She only laughs more, almost doubled over. Flicking water from my fingers into her face, a smile I can't contain rolls out of my mouth and some of my nervousness fades. Fades under her teasing smile. I laugh a little, just because she is almost hysterical.

"You're welcome." She finally manages. I'm still grinning as I strip off my jersey and pull down my shorts. Left in a pink sports bra and bikini underwear, I walk back to the shower. I wonder if she's watching me walk.

My fingers reach for the slippery shower curtain. Finally grasping it, I turn around to pull it around me. And catch her eyes. She's standing over her stuff, towel in her fingers, eyes on me. I can't tell if she was staring or if it was just an awkward moment to look up. But we both break it quickly and I shut the curtian.

With the hot water coursing down me, running over my sweaty body, I listen to the silence permeating the bathroom. I stand protected behind the semi-clear curtain. Well, this is really awkward. I run my hands down my arms and try desperately to think of something to say, before this turns into something neither of us can change. The leftover echoes of her laughter are still bouncing off the walls, I can feel them, but they're muted by awkward looks and sudden rushed changes in the mood.

"When are tryouts?" My voice sounds tight to me, raspier than usually.

"Couple weeks." She answers, her voice muffled by running water.

"Have you seen the freshmen?" I ask, then mentally curse myself. Of course she has, she was there when we had the meeting.

"Yeah." She laughs a little. "Did you see the 5 foot 11 girl? Grace or something?" I grin under the water, feeling it run over my forhead.

"You mean Gracezilla?" I smirk. She laughs fully and it bounces off the tile walls, knocking away awkwardness. And just like that, we fade back into a blooming friendship. The smiles we create in each other. The beginning of a beautiful friendship.

And that's all.

Right?