Disclaimer: I do not own Carlisle or Esme, or any of the beloved characters from Twilight. Such a shame.
Warning: This chapter contains disciplinary spanking so if that offends you then don't bother reading or flaming!
A/N: We have reached the dreaded (*snicker* more like highly anticipated) spanking scene! This will be a WILD rollercoaster ride, so brace yourselves! The second flashback occurs this chapter as well, so that's two emotional issues our dear cullen parents have to contend with. Will they survive? Well duh! Of course they will!
Unfortunately, something happened that made it so I didn't get any reviews for the last chapter unless you reviewed as a guest. I'm very sad, so please review the sh*t out of this chapter for me...PLEASE!
Chapter 10: Pain
Carlisle's POV:
"Brace yourself Carlisle because I intend to make this a lesson that need only be learned once," Esme warned, and I immediately tensed myself in preparation. A myriad of thoughts flashed through my mind as I anxiously waited for that first stroke of the belt.
I could not believe it when Esme asked me to hand over my belt. I was completely caught off guard, and I desperately wanted to question her to make sure she really wanted to do this, but after gazing at her determined face I remained silent and did as requested. I felt for my wife, I really did. I knew she was fighting with herself over this, and I knew this would be extremely difficult for her. I wanted to spare her this pain, but I decided to trust that she knew her limits and that she knew what she was doing because I desperately needed this. I more than deserved the belt, and while a part of me trembled at the pain it would cause, another part of me felt it more than justified. Some could even call it poetic justice. I had taken my belt to Emmett, so now Esme would take the same belt to my foolish backside.
I placed my elbows on the seat cushion of my lounge chair, resting my head on top of my clenched fists. I did not want to grip any part of the chair for fear of breaking it. I wasn't quite sure what I thought of Esme's location for this spanking. I was relieved that she was not putting me over her knee as I wasn't sure I would have been able to handle the humiliation. However, this position was one I was already familiar with as I had many times during my human years been forced over a chair by Samuel when he had been too impatient to drag me to the barn, or when there had been no barn or shed to be punished in.
Already I was receiving brief glimpses of distant memories, and I feared this familiar position would trigger a flashback. I had already insisted to Esme that my father did not affect me, but the more I thought about it the more unsure I was becoming. If I truly was as unaffected by him as I thought myself to be, then why did his memory continue to hurt me? Why did I still get lost in these flashbacks? This new memory especially was proving quite detrimental and I would prefer not to remember the rest of it. I thought of saying something to Esme, but not only was I embarrassed by this weakness, there was also no other position that would change anything. I had been bent over a variety of objects by my father, put up against a wall, tied up, and even chained while receiving my whippings; so any position Esme chose would be subject to the same worries. Truthfully, the only position I had never been in had been over someone's knees. Even James's father had me bend over a bed or a bale of hay those few times he had spanked me.
The other thoughts running through my mind were Esme's request. She pleaded with me to trust her enough to let go and not be afraid to show my emotions, but I wasn't sure I could do that. Already I could feel myself slipping into the protective shell I had worn whenever Samuel had been punishing me. I was already shutting my emotions down and clenching my mouth shut so as not to make a sound. This was all instinctual and I wasn't sure I could stop it once the punishment began. This was not just about protecting Esme from my pain or trying to not appear weak. This was about protecting myself from being hurt, emotionally at least, and although I knew I had no reason to fear being hurt in such a way by Esme, my body and mind still reacted as though I should. It had been nearly three centuries since I had last been punished by my father, yet I still settled into this protective mode as though I had faced punishment only yesterday. The Pastor's son was quickly taking control and I did not know how to stop.
You are weak and pathetic and I will make you rue the day you were born boy!
Crack! My muscles tensed at the first hit, the sting painful but not unbearable. It was a familiar pain as it reminded me of the sting of my father's strap, but that only brought forth more memories, the one regarding Sarah at the forefront.
Crack! Crack! Each stroke of the belt left a hot streak of fire on my backside, but I remained silent.
Crack!
You are a disgrace—a disappointment! Oh no, I thought in growing horror.
Crack!
You are a failure! Focus on the present Carlisle, focus on the present!
Crack! The pain continued to build, but I just clenched my fists and kept my mouth shut. I had a lot of practice at hiding my pain so this wasn't very difficult.
Crack!
You disgust me with your softness boy! Quit acting like a sniveling little girl and take your punishment!
Crack! Crack! The pain was becoming more uncomfortable now but I still refused to make a sound. The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional pain I was in. I could feel myself slipping. My mind was going fuzzy and I was no longer sure where I was.
Crack! Crack! No tears. No noise. Those were the rules. No matter how much pain, physical and emotional, I had to remain quiet.
Crack! Crack!
How dare you raise a hand to me you foolish boy! How dare you! I went rigid and closed my eyes at those words, nearly giving a whimper as I was dragged into the past…
… "Awake at last Carlisle?" I heard my father ask in a smooth voice.
I gave a mild groan as I came to. My head was pounding, my ribs throbbing, and I was sure I was covered in bruises. The fight had not gone well for me. It had started out just fine, and I had held my own; however, I had not anticipated Samuel using the pistol I had killed Sarah with as a club. He had caught me completely unawares when he had bashed it against the front of my head causing me to fall to the ground, completely dazed. That was all he needed to take control of the fight, and in my stunned state he had held nothing back as he first held me up and punched me before dropping me on the ground and kicking me. I guess I must have passed out and some point.
Opening my eyes I took in my surroundings. We were still outside in front of the woods, and I was lying in the mud. The rain continued to come down in torrents as thunder and lightning illuminated the dark sky. I was soaked to the bone and freezing, but there was no time to focus on these discomforts as Samuel was dragging me to my feet by my arm.
"Get up you useless lout!" he ordered sharply, and I shakily did as ordered. It was at this point that I finally realized my hands were tied with a rope—a rope that was swung over a tree branch. Samuel had a hold of the other end of the rope and he pulled until eventually I was pulled towards the tree and my arms hauled up high above my head. I bit back a yelp of pain as this position put strain on my injured ribs. It was difficult to breathe. When he had me in the proper position he tied the rope to another tree to hold me in place. The hold was tight and allowed for very little movement. I was stuck.
My stomach twisted as I realized what was about to happen. I tensed as Samuel moved up behind me, grunting when he ripped the back of my shirt open. I shivered as the cold rain splattered on my now bare back, nervously awaiting the awful bite of whatever instrument the pastor was readying.
This punishment was going to be brutal, and I could not help but be afraid. I was already sore from the beating I had just taken, and my wet skin would only make the punishment hurt worse than ever. Add that to the fact that I had broken about every rule he had ever set for me in the past day and I was pretty much screwed.
I tensed when I once more heard Samuel approaching me. He came around to stand before me so that we could face each other. He had an awful scowl on his face and the fury in his dark brown eyes had reached new levels. I had no doubt that this man hated me, and my heart broke at that thought. Here was my father, a man who should love, cherish, and protect me, and he was the complete opposite. He hated me and he went out of his way to cause me pain. Nothing I ever did would be good enough for him, and I was a fool to ever believe he could love me. I was a failure. I was a disgrace. I was a weak, pathetic, sniveling, worthless child and nothing more.
"What am I going to do with you Carlisle?" he mused out loud as he stroked his chin with his right hand. In his other hand he held a whip and I suddenly felt like throwing up. This was going to be really, really bad. I had only felt the sting of the whip a couple times, and even then it had only been a few licks. I had a strong feeling I was going to be on the receiving end of more than a few this time.
"Did you actually believe you could fool me?" he then asked, and I could not help but smirk.
"I have been fooling you for years Father and you never knew, so yeah, I did believe I could," I responded. His expression darkened, his hand tightening on the whip, and my smirk grew. I knew I should have been watching my attitude, but I felt I really could get into no more trouble than I already was. My punishment was already going to suck, so I might as well make sure I had thoroughly earned it.
"You disgust me!" he snarled, his fury finally showing in his expression as he came to stand face to face with me. "You are too soft, too weak! How can you not see that what I do is God's work? How can you not see that I am ridding the world of evil?"
"Ridding the world of evil?" I scoffed disbelievingly. "YOU are the evil that the world needs to be rid of! You claim to do God's work, but you and I both know you are lying! You enjoy killing, and you don't care whether the person is innocent or not!" I snapped harshly, all sense of self preservation leaving me.
"What did you just say boy?" he pressed in a velvety tone full of threat as he got so close to my face our noses were mere inches apart. I felt his harsh breath on my face and barely resisted the urge to flinch at his menacing glare. Instead, I glared right back, my pounding heart the only sign of how nervous I was.
"I said that what you are doing is a sin against God and that you are more of a monster than any of the"—
"SILENCE!" Samuel roared before landing a painful punch to my stomach.
"Oomf!" I cried out in pain as I tried to curl into myself; however, that proved impossible with how tightly the ropes had me held up. I gasped for air, my lungs burning as they ached for oxygen, but just when I felt I was going to pass out I managed to suck in a breath of blessed air. I sucked in a few more breaths before letting out a strangled yelp when Samuel grabbed me by the throat.
"How dare you speak to me like that!" he yelled as he struck my face with the butt of the whip. "I am your FATHER and you will RESPECT me!" he yelled, once more striking my face with the butt of the whip.
I gave my father a fierce glare before spitting out, "You have to EARN my respect!"
"I SAID SILENCE!" he ordered so fiercely I snapped my mouth shut, my heart hammering as I stared wide eyed at the pastor. His face was red with fury and there was a look in his eyes I had never seen before. I did not want to admit it, but I was afraid of him. No, not just afraid, but terrified. He had the same look in his eye as when he had been pointing the pistol at me, and once more I wondered if this man was going to kill me.
Samuel tightened his grip on my throat as he declared, "You WILL give me the respect I am due or I WILL make life increasingly miserable for you. You think you have it hard now boy, but you know NOTHING!" And with that he released my throat before walking behind me. My breathing quickened as I tensed in anticipation, and far sooner than I would have liked I felt the agonizing burn of the first lick land.
"Mmff!" I moaned before clenching my jaw shut in order to insure I would not make another sound.
Crack! Crack! Crack! The whip tore into my flesh and I mentally roared in agony. Oh God this hurt far worse than I remembered.
"You will learn to obey me Carlisle Cullen or suffer the consequences!" he lectured before bringing the whip down another three times.
Ahhhh! I screamed in my mind, the pain unbearable.
"You are an ignorant, stupid, ungrateful child!" he snarled. "After everything I have done for you, after everything I have given you and taught you, this is how you choose to repay me?"
Crack! Crack! Crack! A moan of pain escaped me, my entire torso feeling as though it were on fire. My back hurt from the whipping, my ribs ached from the abuse they had suffered, and my lungs burned as I was once more found it difficult to breathe.
"God has bestowed me with the honor of purging this world of evil and you would do well to remember that," he lectured heatedly, and the whip came down a few more times.
Arrgghhhh!
"Unfortunately, it seems he also bestowed me with a wicked boy easily fooled and susceptible to the ways of Satan," he continued cruelly, and I could not help the sudden doubt that filled me. Was he right? Was I easily susceptible to Satan's ways? Was it I who was wrong?
Crack! Crack!
My mind went fuzzy as the pain became too much.
"If you ever dare raise a hand against me again Boy I will break every bone in your hand one by one, slowly, and painfully," he stated, and I let out another groan in pain.
"And if you ever presume to lie, disrespect, or defy me in the manner you have today it will not only be you who suffers, but your precious friends!" he threatened maliciously, and I let out a horrified gasp that turned into a yell of pain as the whip once more landed. Black spots appeared before my eyes, and it was several moments before I was able to catch my breath once more. When I did my mind focused on his threat and I could not help but wonder if he truly meant what he said. Would he truly go after my friends to get to me? Yes, I thought to myself, yes he would. My mind reeled in terror at the thought of him harming either James or Rachel because of me.
He continued to speak after that, but due to the pain I only caught bits and pieces, such as "miserable disgrace", "failure", "disappointment", and "weak fool". As much as I tried to stop it, his words cut through me deeper than his whip ever could. I knew I shouldn't have cared about what he was saying to me. I knew his words were lies, but there was a part of me that could not help but believe them. I tried to tell myself I neither wanted nor needed my father's approval or love, but once more there was a part of me that disagreed. I could not stop the boy in me that still yearned for Samuel to look at me with more than disgust and discontent.
"Carlisle, are you listening to me?" Samuel demanded.
"Carlisle! Carlisle Cullen, can you hear me?" another voice demanded, and I became confused. That was not my father's voice. This voice was feminine and full of concern.
"Carlisle, my love, focus on my voice. It is me Esme. I am not your father. He is not here. You are safe Carlisle, you are safe," Esme soothed and my eyes flew open as my mind snapped back to the present.
Esme was kneeling before me, running a soothing hand through my hair as she stared at me in loving concern. I heard someone growling, and when I realized it was me I immediately stopped.
"Are you with me Carlisle?" Esme questioned worriedly. "Do you know who I am?"
"Esme," I choked out in shock, and she let out a sigh of relief, muttering out a quiet, "Thank God". It was at this point that I finally took stock of the situation. I was no longer leaning over my chair. In fact, looking past my wife I noticed that the top of my chair was completely destroyed. I was currently sitting on the floor (quite uncomfortably I might add), my back pressed up against the wall. My boxers and pants were on, but I was missing my shirt. What in the world happened?
"Esme, what happened?" I asked, somewhat disoriented as I got to my feet, the burn in my bottom becoming more noticeable. Esme stood up as well, keeping a hand on me, her eyes still full of concern as though she was worried about what I might do.
"You had a flashback Carlisle," she explained gently, and I nodded my head as I responded, "Yes, I know, but what—how did I end up over here? Did I hurt you?" I asked in sudden worry, and she shook her head negatively.
"No, no, of course not," she reassured me. "You, well, I'm not quite sure when the flashback occurred as you refused to make a sound," she recounted with a disgruntled look, "but I did not realize anything was wrong until you went completely rigid. I tried to talk to you at that point but when you didn't answer I became concerned. I realized what was happening so I stopped the punishment and righted your clothes. I then laid a hand on you and that was when you panicked." I stared at her in shock, wondering what she meant by panic.
"You—you became startled and attempted to get away from me. That was how you destroyed your chair. I grabbed a hold of you but you managed to pull away, ripping your shirt in the process. You then ended up crouching down in this corner, covering your head with your hands. You began growling, flinching, and groaning at that point," she explained, her eyes full of sadness and distress. "It took several minutes of me speaking with you to get you to come to."
I nodded my head at her words, absolute shame coursing through me as I gazed about the room. How pathetic was I? I could not even take a simple spanking without flipping out. What must Esme be thinking of me? Samuel was absolutely right. I was pathetic. I was weak.
"Carlisle," Esme sighed as she turned my face back towards her, "don't do this to yourself. What happened was not your fault. I should have anticipated this would happen"—
"Esme don't," I interrupted sharply. "Do not make excuses for me. There was no reason for me to have"—
"No Carlisle, you don't!" Esme snapped in an exasperated tone, tears welling up in her eyes. They did not fall though as she took a deep, calming breath. "What happened was not your fault," she stated. "It was Samuel's. You were having a flashback of his punishments weren't you?" she questioned, and I just shook my head at her. I did not want to talk about this.
"Let it go Esme, it does not matter," I insisted miserably, but she shook her head back at me.
"Does not matter?" she states in shock. "Carlisle, you didn't see yourself. You were practically cowering away from me. You had no idea where you were or who I was."
More shame flooded through me before I saw a look of sudden hesitation and regret come across her expression. It was a look that told me she was reconsidering my punishment. I felt a moment of panic at the thought. She had to finish this. She could not leave me like this. If we stopped now because of my damned moment of childish panic, then I would never forgive myself. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't bring myself to open my mouth. She had to make this decision on her own. I could not force her, no matter how much I needed this.
"Carlisle," she spoke in a near whisper as she gazed at me with despairing eyes, "I don't think I can finish this."
"You can," I responded, internally wincing at the clear panic in my tone. The slight widening of Esme's eyes showed she had heard the panic, for her despair quickly turned to concern. She studied my face closely before speaking once more.
"What if you have another flashback?" she questioned. "You are meant to be focusing on what landed you in this position when I am spanking you, but I'm afraid you're just going to lose yourself in another memory. This spanking won't work if that happens, it will just be abuse."
"No," I told her, giving a firm shake of my head. "It won't be like that, I promise you. I will control it." Please Esme, do not give up. Please Esme, see this through to the end, I thought.
My wife continued to study my expression, emotions passing over her face so quickly I couldn't place them. Eventually though, she settled on determination. All doubt and fear was once more gone from her face as she gave me a nod.
I let out a huge sigh of relief before I heard her state, "If we are to continue you are to do everything my way, do you understand? You will answer any question I ask honestly, and if at any point I feel this is not working, then I will stop and that will be it."
I gave my immediate agreement, fear coursing through me at the thought of this punishment not working. I couldn't live with this guilt. This had to work!
"If this doesn't work," Esme continued, "I promise you Carlisle, we will find another way to help you. Do not despair."
I nodded my head once more, my love for this woman somehow growing to new proportions.
"Okay," she remarked, taking in a huge breath before she then asked, "What memory were you experiencing?"
I sucked in a quick breath, balking at the mere thought of recounting the memory. The shame of what I had done and experienced was too much for me and I just wanted to forget it all. Despite the promise I had just made, this was one question I could not answer. "Please Esme," I begged pitifully, "don't make me talk about it. I can't, not now, not like this."
I saw anger and complete frustration flash through Esme's eyes before it disappeared as quickly as it appeared. She walked up to me, placed her hands on either side of my face and gently forced me to look her straight in the eyes. I allowed her to see the utter desolation and fear I had regarding this memory, so she could see how horrible it was without me saying anything. It was several moments of tense silence before she dejectedly said, "You are making this a whole lot harder for me."
I said nothing, waiting with bated breath until she gave a single nod, releasing her hold on me.
I let out a sigh of relief as she told me, "Very well Carlisle, I will let this go for now. However, I am going to insist that you tell me what it was that triggered the flashback. Your punishment is far from over and I do not want this to happen again."
I bit my lip as I looked down, not really sure I wanted to answer that question either...So much for my promise, I mentally chided myself.
"Carlisle, please," Esme pleaded, her dark amber eyes boring into mine. "You told me you would answer my questions honestly, and so far you are doing the exact opposite. Now I have already allowed you to keep the contents of the flashback from me, but I will not let this go. If you want this to happen, you are going to have to open up to me. Please be honest with me. Please trust me."
"I do trust you," I declared softly, not liking the desperation I heard in her tone, nor the look of hurt that crossed her face. I mentally shook myself for putting her through this. This was too much for her. I was being selfish.
I wrapped my arms more tightly around Esme, offering her all the comfort I could. "I am so sorry for all the stress I have put you through Esme," I told her. "I have been selfish, and I have put you in an awful position. Please do not feel obligated to finish this. I should never have asked this of you."
"Carlisle Cullen, will you stop being so damn pig-headed!" she snapped in sudden anger as she pushed away from me. I stared at her, shocked by her change in mood. "First off, I was the one who suggested the punishment. You asked nothing of me. Secondly, you have already agreed to submit to this punishment, so you no longer have the option of backing out. You will take this punishment and you will rid yourself of whatever guilt you are feeling, do you understand me?" she stated, poking my chest at those last few words.
I gave a mute nod, still caught off guard by this display.
"Now, tell me what I want to know," she demanded, arms crossed and her expression stern. I truly felt like a right little miscreant with the look she was giving me. I had better give her what she wants before she resorts to harsher methods. With the look she was giving me, I suddenly had no doubt that she would bust my backside in order to get me to answer her damned question.
As I contemplated this, one of her eyebrows rose as though to say, 'I'm waiting', and I decided I had better not press my luck.
"I-I am not quite sure what exactly triggered the flashback," I began, and upon noting my wife's displeased expression I quickly added, "But it could have been the position, the implement, or the whole punishment in it of itself." I gave a light shrug, feeling embarrassed.
Esme's POV:
I took note of Carlisle's embarrassed expression, and I wished there was some way I could convince him not to be.
His explanation concerning his flashback left much to be desired as I had already assumed everything he had told me. I wondered if there was some way of doing this that would not trigger a flashback. How could I make this as different from Samuel's punishments as possible? I didn't want a repeat of what had happened earlier.
I had been completely caught off guard and horrified when I had seen the state I had put my husband in. I remembered the frustration I felt towards him as I commenced his punishment and he refused to make a sound. I will admit that I swatted him a little harder than I had intended to, but I had wanted to get a reaction out of him. He had to have been in pain, but he had given no inkling of what he was thinking or feeling. He had remained so still and silent I was unsure if the punishment was even working, which is why I had put more force into each swat.
Perhaps I had done something wrong. I had minimal experience when it came to delivering a spanking. To date I had only spanked Jasper and Rosalie, and both those times had been spur of the moment decisions with little discussion. Each child had shown signs of discomfort as I had spanked them and had eventually given in and cried. Even Jasper who tried to take his punishment as stoically and silently as possible had yelled out in pain before crying. Then again, he had already been sore from the spanking he had received from Carlisle, but still…
I sighed as I walked a few paces away from Carlisle. I thought over everything he had ever told me regarding his spanking of our boys. Each boy was full of pride and always attempted to remain silent while being punished. They did not want to appear weak or unmanly in front of their father; but of course they always failed. Jasper had been able to hold out the longest, but he had a higher pain tolerance than his brothers due to his…Oh, I thought in sudden realization, giving myself a mental slap. I am such an idiot.
Jasper had a higher pain tolerance due to his past, and so too did my husband. How could I have not considered this? This was the man who went through the painful torment of the vampire transformation in complete silence; who despite the agonizing pain he had been in had managed to not only remain lucid enough to be aware of his surroundings but to actually move himself. A man who could suffer through such pain would of course be able to handle a spanking in silence. I should have realized that Carlisle needed more than just the pain to get through to him.
My memory flashed back to the aftermath of Jasper's first spanking and what Carlisle had told me. He had said that the spanking had gone on longer than he wanted due to Jasper's stubborn resolve to take the punishment stoically, but that he had eventually gotten through to our soldier by lecturing and expressing his disappointment.
I closed my eyes at my own stupidity. This should have been obvious to me. To get through to Carlisle I would have to break through his emotional barriers as well and I would only be able to do that if I spoke to him. The physical pain of the spanking would help, but it would be my disappointment—the family's disappointment in him that would hopefully push him into finally letting go of his emotions; and only by letting go could he finally begin to heal.
How was I going to do this though? I did not want to risk Carlisle getting lost in another flashback. The memory of this one I already knew was going to haunt me for a long time. Never before had I seen my husband in such a pitiful state. I had smelled the raw fear coming off him, and that had terrified me. And then to see him cower away from me, raising his arms up as though to protect himself, well, I nearly panicked myself. I had never seen Carlisle in such a state and I never wanted to again.
I looked over my husband, my heart sinking at the sight he presented. He stood before me shirtless, hair disheveled, and paler than usual. His eyes had darkened, revealing the emotional turmoil he was experiencing. He looked exhausted, and I really wanted to just forget this whole idea, but I knew from Carlisle's tone and eyes that he would only see this as a failure on his part. He would see himself as weak for not having been able to take his punishment; and his guilt over what he had done yesterday would only increase.
I had to see this punishment through to the end and I could not stop until Carlisle allowed himself to cry. As much as my stomach twisted at the thought, I was resolving myself right here and now to not give in until Carlisle did. No matter how much heart ache or pain I was in, and no matter how much pain Carlisle was in, I knew this punishment would be ineffective if he did not let go.
Glancing about the room I considered where the spanking could take place. I could have Carlisle bend over another chair, but that wouldn't really solve the problem. I wondered…
"Darling," I suddenly asked, "is there a position you were never placed in when punished by Samuel?"
Carlisle immediately grimaced, his arms crossing over his chest in a somewhat protective manner as he stared at the floor in apparent thought. I could swear he was embarrassed, and I wondered why.
"Carlisle," I pressed as I placed a gentle hand on his forcep. His troubled eyes flicked towards mine, and he tightened his jaw before stiffly answering, "I was never punished over his knees."
Oh, I thought as I blinked in surprise. Well that definitely explained the embarrassment. Hmmm. If being placed over someone's lap was the only manner in which he had never been punished, then that would be the best way for me to do this as it should prove a different enough experience for his mind to remain in the presence. I did not wish to humiliate him, but perhaps this was the best way. He needed to learn to swallow his pride, and hopefully this position would help him realize how childish he had been behaving. This extra embarrassment could prove beneficial in breaking through his tough emotional barrier.
Mind made up I gave my husband a determined look before walking over towards the broken chair, picking up the dreaded belt, and then walking to our couch. Sitting down in the center I then gave him an expectant look as I crooked my finger for him to come to me. If the situation had not been so serious I probably would have laughed at his gob smacked expression., but as it was I only felt irritation as he then began to shake his head while saying, "Esme, no."
"Yes," I responded firmly, trying to convey my utter seriousness in both tone and expression. "This is the only position you were never punished in by Samuel, so it will hopefully prevent you from having a flashback."
My husband shifted from foot to foot, uncrossing his arms before crossing them once more. His expression showed that he was conflicted as he once more shook his head at me. "Esme, no," he repeated, "I am too big to go across your lap, and I, uh, well…" He ran a hand through his hair in a frustrated manner, and although my heart ached for him I kept my expression firm. I was resolved and he was not going to change my mind.
"Carlisle, I am more than capable of handling you, so do not concern yourself," I replied. "Even though you have not said it, I know your biggest issue is embarrassment, am I right?"
Carlisle gritted his teeth, his eyes flashing in anger briefly before he gave a shame-faced nod. I sighed internally, but continued speaking. "This is a punishment and you are not meant to enjoy it. A spanking is not only meant to be painful, but embarrassing as well; and you know this as you have said the same thing to our children multiple times over the years," I said. He remained silent and unmoving, his expression once more a blank slate as he stared at the floor.
"Enough of this ridiculousness," I huffed, "come here and let us be done with this."
Carlisle did not react, and I gave a growl as I stood to my feet. I now had his attention so I glared as I stated, "Carlisle Cullen, you will desist with these childish antics this instance! This whole situation is difficult enough for the both of us as it is, so why make it even more so? Remember that this is punishment and you have no say in how it is done, so for the last time come here before I leave you to deal with your guilt by yourself."
I noted as my husband's face turned guilty at my words before turning nearly panicked by the end of my little tirade. He made it over to the couch in under a second after that and was opening his mouth to no doubt apologize but I just gave a sharp shake of my head to keep him quiet. The time for apologies was over.
I then stared him straight in the eyes, trying to gauge his state of mind. I was ready for this, but was he? He had just been dragged into an obviously traumatic memory. On a normal day that would be enough to rattle anyone, but add that to the emotional turmoil he had already been experiencing due to what happened with Emmett and he should be a complete wreck; but he wasn't. Well, not quite. On the surface he looked calm, but his eyes were no longer able to hide his state of being. He was in turmoil. It was a wonder he had not already broken down, but I figured the forced hunt gave him the needed boost to regain a hold on his slipping emotions.
I stared up at Carlisle, noting the way his breathing had increased, a sure sign that he was feeling anxious. He tried desperately to hang onto his blank mask, but he could not hide his nerves or utter humiliation. He hated this, and while a large part of me felt upset by that, a larger part of me was satisfied because it meant this punishment was so far proving effective. I really had no desire to ever go through with this again.
Taking his hand in mine, I gave it a comforting squeeze before pulling. I met with some resistance at first, but after I gave a firmer tug he finally relented and allowed himself to be guided over my lap.
Carlisle's POV:
I lay over my wife's lap stiff as a board and wishing beyond might that I could just disappear. I could not believe I was going to get a spanking over her lap like one of the children. This was utterly mortifying.
I admit, I understood her reasoning. Samuel had never punished me in this way. It was too intimate, too familial for him, and it did not allow enough swinging room for the variety of instruments he liked to use on me. The unfamiliar position coupled with the utter humiliation I was feeling was enough to keep my mind firmly in the present; and I wasn't sure I was too happy about that.
I threw my hands out, steadying myself, but Esme just pulled me closer and more forward so that my upper body rested on the couch. I crossed my arms and buried my head in them when I felt my boxers being tugged down. Tears were already prickling at my eyes from sheer mortification. I had not felt so exposed or vulnerable since my human days, and I absolutely hated it.
"Carlisle, are you with me?" Esme questioned as she rubbed a hand in comforting circles on my back.
"Yes," I answered as I mentally began to prepare myself for this punishment. My emotions were haywire, and I could feel my control slipping, but I was also determined to take this punishment in silence. I did not want to cause Esme anymore distress and I did not want to humiliate myself anymore than I already had.
"Good," she responded softly before requesting that I take a deep breath and try to relax. With much difficulty I followed her orders, and just as I had managed to relax some the first swat landed. I could not help but suck in a breath of surprise, not from the pain but from the fact that she was using her hand. Why was she not using the belt? Was it because she felt I could not handle it? Shame flooded through me, and I was opening my mouth to question her when she answered my unspoken question.
"I am starting out with my hand because I want to make sure you do not slip into another flashback. I realize now that the belt must have felt very similar to the strap Samuel was so fond of using on you. I also want you to be able to focus on what I am going to say to you, and if I use the belt I have a strong suspicion your entire focus will be on remaining silent," she explained knowingly, and I could not fault her logic. "Do not worry though, my love, I will be using the belt again as I am certain it will be needed to reinforce my words."
I could not help but gulp at her words, my stomach actually turning queasy.
We both remained silent for the next several moments with the only sound heard being the slaps of her hand against my backside. It did not take long before I was gritting my teeth against the pain. I had not truly realized how soundly I had already been punished with the belt as getting lost in the memory had temporarily dulled my senses; but judging from the quickly growing flame in my backside I would say she had done a good number on me.
The pain continued to build and I clenched my teeth even tighter while beginning to resist the urge to fidget. This was really beginning to hurt, and I could once more feel my mind trying to slip into an emotionless state. Fortunately, or unfortunately, Esme began to lecture me at this moment, forcefully keeping my mind and emotions firmly in the moment.
"Never in all our years of marriage," she began, "have I been so disappointed, so disgusted, so infuriated with you than in these past few days." I felt a lump form in my throat at her declaration.
"You cannot begin to fathom the feelings that ran through me as I arrived home to hear Emmett, my big strong boy screaming and sobbing for me, and then Rosalie screaming death threats towards you in the front yard, her siblings the only thing keeping her from tearing into you; and you my dear were frozen in place doing absolutely nothing to console our distraught child," she recounted, disappointment literally oozing from her every pore.
If it were possible she made me feel even worse than I already did. I hated how much I had disappointed my wife, and how much I had let her down.
"I'm sorry Esme, I'm sorry I've disappointed you," I choked out rapidly before gritting my teeth to keep from making a sound as she landed a particularly harsh swat.
"I know Carlisle, and I have already forgiven you, but letting me down doesn't bother me as much as the fact that you let your children down. You promised them, you swore to them that you would never ever raise a hand to them out of anger and you broke that promise," she told me, and I visibly flinched, the truth of her words hurting me more than any of her swats ever could.
I had broken my promise to them, and that was unforgivable. Esme forgave me, but she was my mate, there was a part of her that would never be able to hate me. The children however were another matter entirely; but Esme said they had forgiven me. How could they though? Edward possibly, maybe even Alice. Jasper was a maybe, although I lent more towards no; and if he did not forgive me I had no doubt he would sway Alice to his side. Emmett and Rosalie especially would never forgive me, and I really could not blame them. I tensed my entire body at this point, tightly shutting my eyes to hold back hot tears. The lump in my throat continued to grow and my mouth was thick with venom. I had destroyed my family.
Esme paused the spanking at this point and rubbed her hand up and down my back. I let out a shaky breath I hadn't realized I had been holding and unconsciously began to relax my tensed muscles. I immediately tensed once more though when I heard the clinking of my belt as she picked it up. Oh no, I thought with an internal groan.
Crack! Crack! The first two licks landed in the same spot and I could not help the way my body jolted or the soft grunt that escaped me. That stung horribly! I clenched my fists tightly, my nails digging into my palms as I braced myself for the next lick.
"I know what you are thinking Carlisle, and you have ruined nothing. The children have forgiven you, I promise you that, but you still have a lot of work ahead of you," my wife continued, and my mind immediately latched onto the fact that she said the kids had forgiven me. Had they? Was she really telling me the truth?
"You need to do everything in your power to deserve that forgiveness while at the same time earning back their trust, Emmett's especially," she declared, and I nodded my head in complete agreement, unable to verbally state this as there was an uncomfortable lump in my throat.
Unfortunately, my nonverbal reply was not enough for Esme as she immediately demanded I respond with actual words. I remained silent though, not wanting Esme to hear how shaky my voice would no doubt be. My mouth was so tightly clenched shut that I wasn't sure I could open it either.
Crack! Crack! Crack! I gave a small yelp at the rapidly delivered licks, the burn becoming too much for me to remain quiet. My mind was torn between trying to keep a lid on my emotions and trying to block out the pain, but it was a battle I was quickly losing. The emotional turmoil I was experiencing was not allowing me the amount of focus I needed to deal with the pain. A part of me applauded my wife for a job well done, while another part of me cursed her for being able to reduce me to such a state. One thing was for sure, I was certainly feeling well chastised.
"Tell me what you are going to do Carlisle," Esme demanded, landing a few more stinging swats, tightening her grasp when I unconsciously began to squirm.
"I will make sure to deserve their forgive-forgiveness, and-and I will earn b-back their trust!" I gasped out in a strained voice as quickly as possible, not at all liking how weak I sounded.
"You had better mean this Carlisle Cullen because if anything like this happens ever again, I promise you that the children will not be so forgiving," she threatened before emotionally adding, "and neither will I." I could hear the pain in her voice as she said this, but that was the only sign she gave of her distress as the belt continued to land a few more times. Unlike my wife though, her words had cut right through my emotional barriers and right to the core of my being. Tears blurred my vision before they finally began to fall as she went for one last push.
"You need to learn to not bottle in your emotions and to ask for help when you need it. You are not alone Carlisle, but you will be if you continue to shut me out. You are my husband, and I need to be able to trust you, so you had best heed my words, do you understand me?" she lectured sternly, and I somehow managed to choke out a tearful, "Yes," as my shoulders began to shake. Tears were rapidly falling, and I bit down on my fist to keep from making any sound, be it a sob or cry of pain. I did not want to lose my family. I would not be able to stand being alone again. This would never happen again, I swore to myself. It could not, it would not!
"I am glad to hear that," Esme responded evenly, "but just to make sure, let this serve as a reminder to you." And with those foreboding words she brought down the belt another five times in rapid succession. My control gone, I could not hold back a pained shout as these licks were delivered harder than all the rest.
I did not hear as Esme declared us done, nor did I notice as she set down the belt, pulled up my boxers and pants and began to rub my back. I was overwhelmed as all the emotions I had been holding in burst out of me. All the sorrow, guilt, shame, pain and anger I had been feeling over having hurt Emmett were let out, so I was barely aware as my wife lifted me to my feet and guided me towards our bedroom. She pulled me down onto the bed where she wrapped her arms around me. I halfheartedly resisted at first, but when her arms tightened, I finally gave in and just buried my head in her chest and cried.
A/N: So, intense, huh? A LOT of emotions flying about, but Carlisle FINALLY gave in! What'd you think? PLEASE REVIEW!