The new Avengers watched, completely soaked in by what was happening on the screen as their trainers seemed to be absorbed by their chairs as they sank lower and lower in their seats. Tony stood behind them, hands on the couch back propping him up as he watched the interview like it was giving him life.

"This has really restored my faith in quality live programming," he joked. He was very full of it but the other two were too horrified by the screen to spare him enough mind. They didn't mess up. It was far less elegant than that. Their answers were just fine. They were serious when they had to be, friendly when it was necessary. Natasha did a good job of smiling even when her thoughts criticized everything their interviewers had to say.

Their behavior towards each other was…it was just embarrassing. Somewhere in their nerves they sought comfort in assuring each other that they were doing well, and it blurred some tangible line of appropriate behavior for two coworkers. Upon their introduction alone, you could see Natasha fixing Steve's tie, a moment they both thought to be private, only made worse as both of them laughed together at some silent joke before they were called in. Alone, it was nothing, but when their names were called, they had their hands connected as they walked onto the stage in a gesture that was too easily misinterpreted. One glance at each other in the living room and they knew they could not tell who between them had initiated that move.

Tony narrated each mistake as if he'd watched it a thousand times. For the whole of the hour-long interview, there was this radiating aura of incomprehensible chumminess between them. It wasn't just in their actions, it was in the constant looks between them. Every time they hesitated to answer a question and looked to the other for guidance, it looked more like admiration than a search for support.

Worst of all for Natasha and clearly for Steve too by the pale color of his face, was their shared laughs. They always turned to each other for a joke, for some kind of confirmation. It was like they couldn't laugh on their own, and like they were so wrapped up they thought the other was quite easily the funniest person in the world. Even when it was just a nervous laugh, they were so in sync with each other while they were in their humorous moods. It wasn't anything remarkable in private but in this interview they just looked so... The words that came to mind made them both cringe.

The team clearly didn't think they were always like this, not by the surprised (though clearly extremely amused) faces. Their laughs came in choruses every time Tony announced a new slip. The interview felt like it was lasting forever, and the headlines and commentaries used words like "intimate" and "private", while suggesting that there was a hidden relationship between the two Avengers. Some were even suggesting that this interview was maybe an announcement of that, as if that could ever be some kind of priority among them. Though not blushing, they both had these blank expressions overtaking any other reaction as they tried to soak in this mortifying version of themselves on their television. As the interview was drawing to a close, Tony spared a few choice words.

"Fury and I were hoping the media spark could pay for maybe a few extra planes or something. This, however," he said, gesturing at the screen with his phone. He shook his head, looking so damn proud Natasha wanted to smack the look right off of him. "This is gold. We can sell this. You two are now the most talked about celebrities in the country, at least until they can subtitle this for international use. World-wide, this could probably fund the construction of the building on its own. I knew the investment would be good but you guys have exceeded my expectations. Well done."

Knowing it would only look childish if they attacked Tony, Natasha and Steve glared daggers at him and stayed put in their seats. Just as the recap ended, she got an alert on her phone telling her it was time to visit the doctors again. "FitzSimmons is calling," she said simply, grabbing her jacket and walking out without so much as a goodbye. She would have done anything to get out of that room, and she thanked the doctors in her mind for saving her.

It was only moments after Natasha left that Steve stood up and faced Tony.

"Meet me on the roof, we need to talk," he ordered. Tony made a joke about needing to suit up if he was going to get thrown off the building. "Now."

"Go away, Clint," she demanded when she picked up her phone as it rang. She could hear his familiar laugh on the other side of the phone. Though she was trying to be mad at him, the corners of her mouth twitched up when she heard his children laughing in the background. His voice sounded more relaxed.

"I just wanted to know if there's something you want to tell me about you and Captain America."

"Shut up."

"Be careful with him, Natasha. He's delicate, like a fossil." He could hardly finish his joke, he was laughing so much. She rolled her eyes, a little embarrassed by how funny he seemed to think he was.

"I've got to go," she told him when the elevator doors opened. FitzSimmons was standing there waiting to meet her and escort her to the new interview room. Natasha could read on the doctors' faces that they were doing their very best to look professional. Still, their glances at her were lasting a little too long.

"You watched the recap," she stated finally, wanting the truth to be out already.

"No, no, we didn't watch the recap," Simmons said in the telltale pace that made it clear she was trying to be comforting.

"We just... watched the live feed," Fitz explained, knowing better than to give her half truths and clearly unsure of how she would react. She nodded, knowing none of them really knew what to say about the whole thing.

"They really shouldn't have made such a big deal about it," Simmons finally said as she pulled out the first file. Dr. Garner had finally authorized FitzSimmons to handle the more indepth paperwork for Natasha so long as they promised to film everything and get good records. It was already pretty clear she wasn't going to be willing to answer him. Instead, he was standing outside of the room watching them through a two-sided mirror and sending Simmons prompts for questions that weren't on the paper. Meanwhile, the spy promised to pretend she was talking to them as a friend so that the process could go along more smoothly. It made it easier on the amount of time they had too, since this meant she and Fitz could also get the samples and measurements they needed for the final memory recovery project. Lakely had left them with ideas to develop so they made the best use of their time with Natasha. "He says I should ask you how you feel about what happened today." Natasha sighed, doing her best not to glare at him through the glass.

"Disappointed, I guess," she explained as calmly as she could.

"How so?"

"I don't know. Before the interview, I still felt frustrated from this morning. It was like I didn't know to handle myself. I think that's part of the reason Steve and I looked so strange. He was trying to get me to follow through even though I was so uncomfortable."

"Has that ever happened to you before?"

"Never. I've never been camera shy or nervous about anyone's opinion of me. Everything just made me so mad in the moment. I was throwing a tantrum in the dressing room, it was so childish. I've never done anything like that."

"And you think it had something to do with the session earlier this morning?"

"I think it had everything to do with that session."

"I like to think I can trust you on keeping a secret," Steve started. "At least more than I can trust you on being decent when you don't know how grave a situation really is."

"So you guys are an item?" he asked, only slightly surprised after that interview. It was less fun to believe that it was true, being as how fun it would have been to embarrass them like this if they weren't dating.

"This is serious, Tony."

There were so many questions to be answered. When asked if she believed herself to be a quiet person, she shook her head. Simmons asked if she thought she was at all lacking in self-interest, which again sound nothing like her. The follow-up question took her a lot of thought.

"Then does this hesitation to talk about yourself stem from a habit of secrecy or something else you can't explain?"

"Both. I guess," she answered finally. It was true that she didn't know how to share some smaller things about herself until she really got to know a person. That mostly came from her instinct to protect any information about herself so that it couldn't be used against her. Yet even when it came to sharing stories about her past, even the ones she could remember, she had to struggle to get specific about anything. It was hard to tell a story for longer than a minute.

The rest of the session wasn't so painful since they managed to keep the questions close to the present. When they didn't, it was clearly taxing for her to answer even basic questions. When asked if she had a happy childhood, she said yes. When asked why she thought so, her mind went blank.

Her memory was clearly becoming more and more selective.

Tony felt effectively silenced as he stared out at the view of upstate New York. It was probably the last thing he had expected to hear. He knew the Avengers weren't indestructible. This wasn't a new realization. Still, something in the resilience and stubbornness of that assassin, Tony began to believe she was indestructible. She survived so much, even when fighting in leagues without any special machinery, ability or technology. He should have expected it but he just never thought of this nightmarish reality manifesting so soon.

It was bringing memories of his hallucination back a little too clearly. He promised himself he wouldn't lose his team without a fight.

"Tony?" Steve asked, worried the silence was lasting a little too long. Sure, he knew Tony wouldn't joke about this but he was taking this hit pretty hard. As far as the soldier could remember, he and Natasha weren't exactly best friends.

"So, what? She's just dying? That's all you know?" he asked, still unclear.

"I don't know. No one knows, but it's seeming that way and she seems to think it could be true. She's spending hours each day with the doctors now and they don't exactly seem very optimistic."

"I didn't think-"

"No, you didn't. You should have checked with us before that interview."

"Fury scheduled it with me. Does he know about this?" That made Steve take pause. Fury knew, he was willing to bet Fury knew. Natasha wouldn't keep something so important from him and Fury was probably the reason she was able to assemble this medical team. Why did he let them go through with the interview? "He should have told me. What are we going to do? The team's going to want to know."

"Natasha doesn't want anyone to know. I'm breaking her trust just by telling you this."

"We can't keep this a secret, Cap. After everything, do you think the team would forgive us? Barton would kill us himself if anything happened to her and he wasn't-"

"Nothing's going to happen," Steve asserted. Tony wasn't just going to sit still.

"I'm going to get a hold of those files. I'll see if anyone in my network can come up with a solution."

"Tony, she wants privacy."

"Rogers, she might be dying. This is more serious than a matter of privacy. This is life or death."

Tony opted to spend the night at the Shed, with a promise of installing F.R.I.D.A.Y. in the house's hardware as an excuse. Natasha could hardly find it in her to care anymore after the long session she had. She felt like there were snakes wrapped around her head, tightening as time went on. It was more than a simple headache, it was a mixture of tiredness and agitation that exceeded her usual high tolerance levels. Tony's presence was nothing in comparison.

She did, however, note the strangeness of the gesture when Tony gave her a hug upon her arrival back at the team's apartment. She was pretty sure he'd never done that before. He'd apologized to her about the interview too, which she knew she would have to ask serious questions about later. She was definitely sure he never apologized to her, or possibly anyone, before.

That night, a familiar man came in the form of a dream to her as the dead man he was. It was her man, the man she'd loved more than anyone she'd ever loved in her life as far as she could remember. She imagined the plane crash, recalling the pictures they had shown her. In her dream, she was so surrounded by thoughts of him that she could not breathe. She thought of his last moments and what they must have been like. She would never know for sure, they could never find his body. He was gone forever.

The dream made her relive his loss. Her greatest comfort in waking would be that she was able to forget him completely in the day time. In this, she knew he wouldn't haunt her with the choices she'd made. She'd never have to relive his memory outside of her dreams again. Her conscious feelings of pain and loss were done, even if no one would ever hear about what she had with him. No one would ever believe her, anyway. As she remembered it, she'd tried to speak up about it before.

Upon waking, Natasha felt sure she had just been reliving her relationship with Banner. She was just having a twisted nightmare, she told herself. She tried to fool herself that everything was the same and her dreams were just taunting her but they weren't and she couldn't escape the truth. Banner's loss affected her, yes. It affected her more than she ever realized it did. She couldn't hold on to the hope that he was alive because she knew what that useless hope did to a person. That kind of empty hope drove her to rage so many years ago. It made her into her own personal brand of monster.

Banner wasn't the first time she lost someone that way. He was not the first man she mourned, he was just the last.

The first was a man who was everything to her in a time when she had nothing. He was her first love, her favorite accident and her perfect match. He was that long standing light in her life, one important person who helped her resist the hold her organization had on her. He turned her into a widow at the young age of 18. It was partly grief that helped make her into the relentless monster she became. Just when she thought she had escaped the feeling forever, it was haunting her again.

New chapter later today, it'll be a big one. I hope you liked it! Let me know what you think. Reviews are love!