Untold; Into the Dark Of
By: PhoenixJustice
Disclaimer: Death Note is owned by Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata. I only own this story and make no profit from this.
Warning: M for sexual situations, slash, language, etc
Pairing: L/Light, Mello/Near, slight Light/Ryuk? etc
Setting: After L dies as well as spoilers for the anime/manga.
Summary: With you, I cannot ever be sure about anything; even myself.
A/N: What'd you think of the end of last chapter? XD Oh, and as to randomness, I just love how L has absolutely NO tact sometimes. (I was reminded of this mostly amusing fact when reading a fanfic (Cruel and Unusual, which is actually a pretty awesome fic.))
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I am ready to find that one person who will become Kira; I hope you understand what I am doing for you, Light-kun. That I truly can, and do, feel; you started it all…
Lawliet, I've been doing lots of thinking about me and my feelings for you, from where it all started…
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Part Ten-
A discovery found and a plan ready to begin. It will start at Sakura TV, part I
He had been thinking for days on just how to go about things. Though he was at a slight standstill, something which he didn't like, but couldn't really do anything about at the moment; he needed a catalyst which he could use and mold, make into the Kira which Light had once been so well. He said once, believing that Light had truly changed and was trying to reform himself from his previous ways.
Trust was a very important thing in any case, but more especially when it came from someone like L Lawliet. L, before he came to the conclusion that he trusted Light (surprisingly enough), had only ever truly trusted Watari and then Roger at Wammy's House. Sometimes he thought that he hardly ever trusted himself, but he did trust Light now and that meant that a few things had to change.
In trusting Light, he was putting himself out there further than he ever had before and he was unusually finding himself actually hoping, hoping that Light would hold onto that very fragile trust and do right with it. Light had broken down his neutrality, his shield, had broken down L until Lawliet was left bleeding in the middle.
Lawliet was ready to make a few changes, many of them major ones, and one of those included the transformation of Light Yagami from Kira to just Light Yagami, the brilliant young mind who was handsome and a genius in his own right; L Lawliet's one and only true equal. He was starting to see Light without the red glare of Kira behind his eyes and he found that it was a nice change; quite nice in fact.
Because he now knew for sure that it was indeed Light who truly drew him, not just Kira. He had been slightly worried that he was only morbidly attracted to Light because he was Kira; so finding out that wasn't the case, was a giant relief off of his shoulders.
Another change was the transformation of a person into Kira. The First Kira, to be precise. As Misa Amane was the Second Kira. And the Third Kira was dead.
He did not want a Fourth Kira out there, which, reports he had received, it seemed there now was.
He needed to find out about this Fourth Kira, for this new Kira acted differently than Kira's past, though he had similar killing styles like the First and Second Kira's. The difference was the times and how this Kira was only going after the most violent murderers right now, whereas the First and Second Kira would also kill rapists and molesters of those sorts.
He just needed to find the Fourth Kira now. He would have to be even more vigilant than usual, especially since he now had to find the Fourth Kira, to keep the transition in Light from Kira to Light again, going, to keep Mello, Matt and Near on the case but away from Light and onto the newest Kira once he gathered him up and started to mold and change him into the First Kira. Plus many other small and large tasks which he had to keep up with and do. A lot of work for some, but he felt he was more than up to the challenge.
He had to be.
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--First Person POV—
I felt like something inside me had died when you died. L. Lawliet…I hadn't expected to feel anything other than triumph that I had finally succeeded over my only true equal and my rival. But that wasn't the case. As I held you in my arms and I watched the last breath leave your body…to have your eyes close on me as the last sight that they ever took in…the triumph in my gaze, in my expression…melted away as if it had never existed.
Something in my heart started to stir, to warm up; it was something that I now know that had been there all along, but had never known it for what it was until I thought it was too late, for I had never known the emotion…love. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but this was a different sort of love entirely. The totality of emotion that this is…it's incredible and absolutely frightening to me.
Love is a foreign emotion for me and I have never felt that all encompassing love for another human being before, male or female, though I had always considered myself to be heterosexual, deep down I never felt anything for any of the females I dated. Misa, Takada, so many others and I felt absolutely nothing for them, other than contempt sometimes. Or the satisfaction of being able to use them, to further my goals, as in the case of Misa; or like the Spaceland incident, using a date as a cover to explain my reason for being on the bus to begin with.
I never felt anything for any female I dated, but I never got any sort of pleasure in seeing men around me, either. I was disgusted with everything and everyone around me, seeing the world continue to rot around me, feeling helpless to really do anything, make a difference…that's the original reason I took on the weight of being Kira; the world wasn't going to change on it's own, or so I had thought, and I took it upon myself to do the work of many people over a short period of time.
I created fear from the deaths I gave to people. I had thought myself to be a God; I could become the God of the New World and all would be under my jurisdiction, for it was obvious that the other people in the world could not take charge; they had plenty of time, money and the effort to do it, but they were failing miserably and people were suffering because of it.
I was naïve, I realize that now. My wanting to try and do something good for the world got twisted into something much darker and much more dangerous. The Death Note has a way of changing people after you use it a certain amount of times; the first time, you can still back away and decide a different course, but if you happen to use it again like I did, well…it warps you and your normal thinking. It may sound like an excuse, but I don't mean it to be…
He looks down at the paper he was writing, staying away from the main group, staying away from L as he writes. It wouldn't seem suspicious, as they were all doing paperwork as well. He wondered what kind of idiocy had caused him to start writing this stuff down. There was no way he could possibly keep it, if L or anyone else happened to stumble across it…Well, he could always burn it after, but he just felt this urge to get it all down and write. He needed some sort of release from the burden of his thoughts, for he couldn't share them with anyone. He ignores the curious glances from L's damned potential successors; Mello especially seemed to be looking at him closely, and puts his pen down to the paper again, vaguely reminded of when he used to use the Death Note.
I was stupid to think I could do it all. I was losing sight of everything, myself included. I remember when you appeared on screen for the first time, challenging me, Kira, openly. Hearing your voice speak with such conviction, even with that voice distortion, gave me that first…spark. I felt truly alive for the first time.
When I met you face-to-face the first time, I felt…humiliated.
I had never felt that way so humiliated in my life. Declaring yourself openly to me, those wide, supposedly blank, looks, your mannerisms; everything you were seemed in opposite to me, the straight-A teenager who had all the looks, the brains and the friends. And here you were, an affront to everything I was and more, and the way you just said 'I am L' and more, but you were on the same level as me. I had finally found my equal and you had to be L.
It was bitter to me, but seeing you up close, even after that humiliating experience, had me feeling that rush again, that spark, I felt alive again. And I continue to feel that way. Everytime I see you, everytime I feel you; I feel alive.
When did I know that I loved you…? When you died. Morbid, but true; I love you. I could never fathom being in love with anyone before now, but even with your idiosyncrasies, you are still much more than I could ever imagine having in a human being, much more. You are my equal, Lawliet and it was only in seeing you totally broken that I knew I could love. Will you think that fact amusing?
I wonder if you ever tell me the complete truth. You told me that you loved me, that you reciprocated my feelings, but how can I believe you when you have told me so many lies before? I fear that all you are doing is putting yourself close to me, so you can capture me as Kira. But I don't want to be Kira anymore; I can't be that entity any longer.
I've realized that over this time. I can't be the world's Savior and I can't be Kira either. It's an ideology that has some good principals but trying to change the world by mass-murder would end up causing nothing but complete fear and there would never be any rest for the one who was trying to control it all. I've realized that I was being naïve, wanting only to look at everything one way, my way; I was acting like a petulant child.
Of course you act that way too, all part of your…charm? We both hate to lose too, which is why this situation had been wearing on us both. It still wears on you because you haven't won yet, but me…I had already won and I found it too bitter to bear.
…so maybe you have already won, Lawliet. In one way at least…
Even though you're never going to read this, I, at least, finally feel a lot of weight off of my shoulders on being able to write these things down.
I was Kira…but I have had time to think about my priorities and what I see, and where I see myself going. That path…is no longer available to me, by my own choice. It was the choice I made when I demanded that Ryuk, the Shinigami who had been attached to me, bring you back to life. Yes, hard to believe Shinigami are real but you've seen Rem; I have been haunted by a Shinigami from the moment I picked up the Death Note, or damned near close anyway. The same for Misa, you know, the Second Kira.
She had her own Shinigami that haunted her as well, Rem. She had lost her memories of the Death Note, as I had. Rem had killed Watari and then you before succumbing to death. She had done all I had asked, but I had not expected to suddenly feel so much all at once.
I had been uncertain if it were even possible to bring you back, but it had to; I knew then that I couldn't stand the world as it would be, without you in it. I would no longer have that challenge in my life, that spark, that feeling. I would be alone.
I've given up everything I used to be for you…
…I can only hope that you would look me in the eyes and speak the unadulterated truth to me.
I want to know that you care about me, Lawliet. I want to know that you love me. Even as I am…or as I was; if I had never been Kira, then our paths would never have crossed, so that is one small thing that I can be thankful for in this havoc and chaos that I stirred up.
My ideals were for the people. I had only wanted to help them, but I went about it the wrong way.
If you knew for certain that I was once Kira, but that I had changed…would you still touch me with those hands, talk to me with that voice and look at me with those eyes?
With you, I cannot ever be sure about anything; even myself.
Congratulations, L Lawliet. Kira is no more.
Only Light Yagami remains.
I wonder if that will be enough for you.
--End First Person POV--
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Four pieces of cake and three cups of coffee and tea later, he finally gets some company in his solitude, after having sent the detectives, as well as Light, Mello, Near, and Matt over to the table across the room for them to start to get to work, and so he could be left alone to think and to look through previous files and see if there could be anything, or anyone, of use to him now; but it was not Light, like he had halfway suspected (and wouldn't exactly feel very put out about it being), but Near.
Near sits in what L considered to be Light's chair, sitting in a weird position of his own, one leg out while kind of sitting on the other, twirling a piece of hair around his index finger, looking at L with a semi-serious look on his face before giving a little smile, his own dark eyes wide like L's, but he didn't have the shadows under them that the detective did.
"How large has your percentage of Light Yagami being Kira gotten to?" asked Near.
L's eyes widen slightly and he turns around to give him a better look, but a sudden shout on the screen by him, keeps him from speaking. He turns to look at the screen.
"Yes, you've heard it right, folks!" exclaimed the man on the screen, wearing a grey suit, with his hair slicked back and in a ponytail. "This is the first ever pro-Kira program, the only one and brought to you by Sakura TV!" There was a murmur of excitement from behind the man, where a crowd of people stood.
It has begun…
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A/N: I felt it best to end it there, considering everything. I hadn't expected to add Light's POV in the first person, but it worked out better than I hoped. I hoped I helped to explain where Light is coming from in his feelings and everything, I had set out to do that. And leaving the chapter where I did, it allows me to start off with more action from the beginning.
Not much more to say, as it's late and I'm tired.
Till next chapter!
--PhoenixJustice