DISCLAIMER: I do not own THE 100 or any of the characters herein. That luxury belongs to The WB and The CW. I'm just a fan that likes to play in the world.

CHAPTER TEN

I am changing in the hospital locker room for the surgical residents, feeling horrible. After staying over for a few more hours, Bellamy kissed me goodnight, saying we'll talk soon. I went to bed smiling, my whole body buzzing with his kisses and his words. It wasn't until I woke up this morning that the feeling of dread settled in my stomach like a rock.

This isn't who I am. I am not this person, this other woman. Raven and Bellamy may not be married yet, but the wedding is coming up soon, and she's my best friend. I'm her maid of honor. How can I start something with Bellamy and help Raven plan her wedding to him? Last night I tried to rationalize it; tried to tell myself that this is something I deserve, something I even need. But when it all comes down to it, I play it safe. I am the reliable one, the conservative one. I don't take chances; I don't toe the line. I stay the hell away from it.

And this? This isn't fair to Raven. This isn't fair to Bellamy, either. Hell, even me.

So we kissed last night. A lot. It didn't escalate any further. I need to shut this down before it does.

I finish tying my sneakers before shutting my locker and grabbing my cup of coffee I bought on the way to the hospital. As soon as I leave the locker room I almost crash into someone waiting outside the door.

"Whoa –"

"Oh, thank God, there you are." Sherry the nurse sighs dramatically, steadying me with a hand on my arm. "I've been looking everywhere for you."

"Everywhere?" I ask disbelievingly, eyebrows raised.

"Okay, not everywhere, but close enough." She pulls me away from the locker room when more residents come filing out. "There's someone here looking for you."

My stomach drops. "Oh?" I try to sound nonchalant. "Who?"

"I don't know, some woman."

So not Bellamy.

"She's insistent. Says she's been trying to get a hold of you for the last few days with no luck, so she just had to come to your place of work since you're here all the time and she feels like you're ignoring her and there's just so much she has to discuss with you and please, oh please, for the love of God can you not have any friends come to the hospital ever again? Unless they're bleeding out or have several broken bones?" She pauses, twirling a lock of strawberry blonde hair, wincing when her fingers get caught in a tangle. "Maybe not even then," she adds.

"Raven's not that bad," I scold lightly, immediately knowing who she's talking about.

"Whatever you say, doc." Smiling a bit too condescending for my taste, she jerks a finger down the hall. "She's down there. Tread lightly; she looks like she's out for blood."

"Oh, for the love of…" I sigh, nudging Sherry out of the way when she lets out a short laugh, shaking her head.

I head down the hall to meet up with Raven, trying my best to not show anything on my face or in my demeanor. I take a deep breath and turn the corner, spotting Raven almost immediately. She's sitting in one of the waiting room chairs with a large binder in her hands, showing it to an older gentleman with thick glasses and a kind smile, nodding along to everything Raven is saying.

"Raven," I interrupt softly when I reach the pair. I notice they both jump slightly and look up. I raise my eyebrows in question at Raven, and the man smiles sheepishly.

"Clarke! Wow, I'm shocked that you came out to see me. I thought I was going to have to make an appointment." Raven snaps the binder shut, and I immediately recognize it as her wedding binder. Suddenly, on top of the tightness in my chest, I feel a headache coming on. I cannot deal with wedding talk right now.

"Of course you don't need an appointment," I say, glancing at the man next to Raven, who is trying to look anywhere but at me or Raven. "But I am working, Rae. What's up?"

"What's up? What's up? I'm getting married in four months, that's what's up!"

Oh, are you? How can I forget?

"I'm getting married soon, and my maid of honor is practically unreachable! How am I supposed to deal with all of this –" She holds up her binder and shakes it slightly. "—if I can't even talk to my maid of honor?"

I now feel the man's gaze on me, and I fidget a bit. "I've been really busy, Rae. You know I'm up for Chief Resident. This is very important to me."

"And my wedding is very important to me!" she argues back, letting out an indignant huff for effect.

I bite my lip before I say something I'll regret, rubbing my temples. "Tell you what," I begin, sitting on the table in front of the chairs. The man grabs a copy of Time Magazine and I have a wild thought of whether or not Finn's photos are in there. "I will do my best to have an actual lunch break – during lunch time – and we can meet up and discuss wedding plans then, okay?"

Raven's eyes narrow. "What if you have a last minute surgery again?"

"Well then, tough luck for them."

The man's head shoots up from his magazine and looks at me with wide eyes. Which, behind his thick lenses, look almost comical. I purse my lips and shake my head soothingly, assuring him that we don't leave patients hanging. He sighs, looking relieved.

Raven is tapping her manicured fingers on her binder, constantly reminding me that it's there. "Promise?" she presses.

"I promise," I say, even though I secretly hope there is a last minute surgery.

She stares me down, as if checking to see if I'm lying, and it causes me to laugh nervously and look down. She smiles.

"Okay then. I'll come back at noon."

"Noon?" I look at my watch and mentally check my schedule.

"Yes. Noon," she says, almost threateningly. I hear the man gulp.

"Okay, okay. Noon, it is." I hold my hands up in mock surrender.

Pleased with her win, she claps her hands together excitedly and opens that damn binder once more, flicking through pages of veils and bouquets. Finding the page she wants, she studies it hard, smoothing her fingertips over the glossy cutouts.

"Um, Raven?"

"Hmmm?" She looks up once more.

"Aren't you…?" I trail off, vaguely gesturing to the elevators that lead to the main floor lobby.

"Not yet. I still have some questions for Frederick."

"Frederick," I deadpan. The man who I'm assuming is Frederick jerks when he hears his name.

"Yes, he had some great insight about where to use roses and where to use lilies. Okay, Freddie," she turns to Frederick, who slowly closes his magazine, glancing at the binder warily. "Like we were discussing before: rose colors."

"I'll… leave you to it, then." I stand up from the table, knowing I've been dismissed. Smoothing the front of my white coat, I head back down the hall to the nurses station to grab my patients' charts.

When Sherry sees me, her eyes narrow. "Is she gone?"

"She's not that bad!" I say again, grabbing a chart.

"Mhmm," she hums, typing on her computer.

When a loud, sharp laugh echoes down the hall, Sherry looks up in mild alarm. I close my eyes for a moment.

"Just give it ten minutes, then you can go down there again."

"Okay, where were we? You know, before you stopped taking my calls."

At exactly noon sharp, Raven and I are at Antonio's, a quaint Italian restaurant near the hospital that has the best vegetarian lasagna. After we order our lunch – me with the lasagna, Raven with a Caesar salad – Raven busts out with the wedding binder.

I groan softly, nibbling on one of the complimentary breadsticks. As soon as the server placed the basket down, Raven shoved it my way, saying how she's cutting out carbs from her diet until after the wedding. I almost made a remark about how fattening Caesar salads are when she ordered it, but refrained.

"Ray, I'm not not taking your calls on purpose. I told you, work's been insane."

She ignores me, of course. "Anyway, so I'm trying to think of favors for the wedding."

"Favors?" I stop chewing, confused. "I thought you weren't going to do favors."

"Well, I changed my mind. People do that."

Yes, they do. Like your fiancé.

I continue on with my breadstick, saying nothing.

"Anyway," she says again. "Favors. What do you think?"

"Me?"

"Yes, you. My maid of honor. My best friend. The one who knows both me and Bellamy best." Raven rolls her eyes and takes a dainty sip of water.

"Um…"

"Come on! It can't be that hard."

"Well, then, why don't you think of something?" I spit out, not even hiding my disdain.

Raven pauses, and I internally panic, wondering if she'll figure out that there's something up with me. I never snap at her.

I grab my iced tea and take a long sip, looking anywhere but at Raven.

"Maybe CDs?" she asks, flipping through her binder some more. "Or some of those cute boxes filled with mine and Bell's favorite treats? Or is that too cheesy?"

I exhale deeply.

"Either of those could work." I take another drink, willing our lunch to get here faster so I can get back to the hospital. Maybe I should've ordered a salad, too. Salads are quicker.

As soon as I walk through the front doors of the hospital I hear the ping from my phone, alerting me of an incoming e-mail. Because our lunch went long (of course), I'm hurrying to the elevators that will take me to the surgical floor. I open my e-mail app and see that it's from Bellamy.

I feel my breath coming in short bursts, and my vision is zeroed in on the tiny screen in my hand. The elevator reaches the ground floor but I don't notice until I feel several people rush past me to enter the empty elevator. Clutching my phone to my chest, I enter last and push the button for the surgical floor with a shaky hand.

I immediately know that I'm not going to open it in the elevator. For some reason, I feel like I should open it when I'm alone, even though I told myself all morning and through the afternoon that it can't go on between us; that it has to end – whatever "it" is. It's not like we're in a relationship; we had drunken sex once and made out another time. That is… I don't know what that is, but it sure as hell can't continue because it's wrong.

The elevator opens up to my floor and I exit swiftly, my phone feeling heavy in my hand. I ignore Sherry at the nurse's station and find the first room I can be alone in: the on-call room.

I shut the door with more vigor than necessary and collapse on the bed. After a few different scenarios flowing through my mind, the rational side wins out.

What if he's e-mailing to tell me the same thing I've been thinking about all day? What if he's realized that this is crazy and we can't keep going? What if he's ending it? I take a deep breath and force a smile on my face. Bellamy is a smart man, a reasonable man. He knows to do the right thing, and this e-mail will prove that.

It'll be fine. It's what you want, Clarke. It's for the best. Now we can move on; he can focus on marrying Raven and I can focus on… whatever I want to focus on.

My mind strays to the copy of Time Magazine that is out in the waiting room.

Whatever I want.

After I've convinced myself and feeling much better, I thumb my phone on and finally open the e-mail.

After the first few words, I immediately know this isn't going to go the way I expect.

Clarke,

You are an incredible woman, and I can't believe it's taken us this long to get these feelings out in the open. When I'm with you, time seems to stand still and all I see is you. There is just so much about you that I like, yet I want to know more. I wish we could shut out the world and just be together and not have to worry about anything else. I'm sitting here in my office and all I keep thinking about is the way you smell, the way you taste, the way you feel. Okay, I just needed to get this off my chest.

B

And just like that, I'm back in my living room. Bellamy's arms are wrapped around me, his lips caressing my own. My hands are carding through his hair and the soft scent of his cologne is clouding my mind, invading my senses. His hands are clutching my waist like his life depends on it, and my own are as well.

I let out a shaky breath, thumbing off my phone and falling back against the hard mattress of the on-call room bed.

Oh, boy.

A/N: I'm not going to lie, this is a filler chapter of sorts. Not a whole lot goes on here, and I'm sorry about that. Things will pick up in the next few chapters or so. For some reason the flow of this story is going a bit differently than what I pictured in my head. When I started, I thought this would be a 15-20 chapter story, and I would be done relatively quickly. But I'm writing chapter 19 now and I've only done about two-thirds of the story. Eeesh. Maybe I'll do my best to combine some of the chapters, that way y'all don't have to wait so long. Don't know where this mindset of having an average of 2,500-3,000 words per chapter came from, but I can change that of course.

Anyway, thanks for all the reads and reviews. I'm glad so many people are enjoying it! Again, I know I'm a stinker when it comes to replying to comments, but just know that I do read all of them and love all of them. And you, the reader, who takes the time to write them out. I appreciate and love it, thank you!