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DEAD ALIVE.

"I hope he's got his evaluation ready." Said Professor Sprout.

"He's been through bad times." Reminded her Professor McGonagall.

"It was three months ago. You'd think he would have recovered by now." Insisted Sprout.

" Let's just hope he will do it from now on." Answered Minerva unconvinced.

But she was no lucky. When they entered the staff room, they found Severus Snape, thinner and more haggard than ever, collapsed on a chair, looking absent minded. Slowly, he nodded to acknowledge the two women presence. Pomona looked at Minerva with an raised eyebrow, indicating she already expected to find him in that state.

"Severus, have you got your student's grades?"

"Sure." He answered.

Minerva was not sure at all. The last time he did have the grades, only they were not that year he was expected to have graded. She sighted.

The meeting proceeded and that time Snape got everything right. However, it was still worrying, lately his lectures seemed to go better, probably thanks to Dumbledore's many private chats with the young man. In spite of that his persona was as bad as always. Professor Binns looked more alive than Severus Snape. McGonagall studied him intensely, he was a bag of bones lost inside many layers of robes, nevertheless, his papers were as neat as she remembered from the times when he was a student. Except, perhaps for the letters among them. McGonagall as not nosy, but this time she couldn't avoid trying to read the sender's name. She couldn't, the letters were illegible, and soon she realised they were Cyrillic words. One envelope thought, was opened and she realized the letter itself was written in English by the owner of the same handwriting of the sender.

When the meeting was finally over, Severus headed for his quarters, not wanting to share the dinner with the rest of the teachers. He took a look at the letter he had just received from Katia, he got glimpses of "very worried for you" "you'll feel better if you talk to someone" and things like that. Snape didn't want to talk to anyone, he didn't want to do anything at all, he only breathed because it was necessary for surviving in order to protect Lily's boy, the only remain of her. Slowly, he rolled himself another joint. Only under the effects of the drugs could he endure daily living, drugs avoided him contact with reality, a sleeping calm in which he could just exist.

Days passed by one after another, and Severus Snape spent all of them drugged, imparting lectures which level he wouldn't have approved had he been in his right state of mind. Students got used to him liying in his chair, while they chatted loudly and, from time to time, made some potion that was passable in the best case.

Equally, letters from Katia, all of them with the same concern about him piled in his room, some of them he wrote back a few empty lines for her to calm down, but no more. Until one day, he was called to Dumbledore's office. Expecting to find himself reprimanded again, Severus headed to the chamber with lazy steps. Dumbledore was standing there waiting for him, but there was someone else in the room. Someone with a bright purple sac-like dress and a headdress matching her outfit.

"You've got a visit, Severus." Said Dumbledore without being needed.

"So this is your school." Stated Katia softly.

Severus couldn't believe he was there. In his mind she belonged to another world, a Death Eater one, and she just didn't match at Hogwarts.

"Severus, mind if I ask who this Lady is?" Intervened Dumbledore.

Snape didn't know how to explain himself. What could he tell the headmaster? That she was a Death Eater?.

"Severus and I met when we both collaborated with the Dark Lord. I am to understand, Severus started working for another master when he realized Lily Potter was targeted. I was his source then." She explained.

And suddenly Severus understood the reason behind Katia's free information on the man who was spying the Potters; she had seen through him and knew he was working for another master, so she helped him by passing the intelligence he needed. That meant she was a traitor as well as himself.

"You knew it!" He spoke in surprise. "How could you…"

"You were as disappointed as I was, plus you never asked direct questions, when you started asking around, I knew you had taken steps against the Dark Lord. Plus you were under pressure because of Lily's issue, so it was easy to guess that was the time for you to rebel. I think that's why the Dark Lord tried to isolate you." Explained Katia.

"So two disenchanted Death Eaters. It seems Voldemort pushed their men too far." Spoke Dumbledore, placing himself between the two of them. "Unfortunately I have to receive Minerva here within minutes, so may I suggest you end this conversation somewhere else? Perhaps Severus' quarters?

Snape didn't want to talk to Katia in front of the headmaster, so he took the chance and preceded Katia through the fireplace to his rooms. As he did so a thought crossed Severus' mind: that Dumbledore misinterpreted their relationship and wanted to give the couple some intimacy. Suddenly he felt uncomfortable, alone with Katia in his private chamber.

Without knowing what to say, he observed the woman glancing around his room, it was really neat, and she seemed to appreciate it. Finally he offered her a seat by the fireplace. He wanted to give her something to drink but all his elf made bottles were empty or half empty, so he just sat in front of her.

"So, what do I own the pleasure of your visit?" Started Snape, trying to carry the conversation in a polite and safe way.

"To know about your health and wellbeing, of course, as I couldn't knew about it by owl since you have barely wrote to me in all these months." Katia liked to hit target at the first shot.

"Well, I have been busy." Said Snape elusively.

"Me too, but I still had time to write you." She pressed on.

"Look, these have been though times for me." He was cornered, his only option was to give her what she wanted as soon as possible.

"Because Lily is dead?"

A moment of silence, then he said looking away from her.

"Yes."

"Look, you didn't know it was her the Dark Lord would target. You did as much as you could, warning her and if she didn't know how to protect herself…"

"Don't blame her! Don't you dare to blame her!" He shouted suddenly.

"They did a wrong move! You can't deny that!"

"It was not her fault, but Potter's!"

"And she had nothing to say? She contributed to her death with her poor judgement as much as her husband. Idealizing a person that way is for stupid people."

"I love her!" He didn't want to let out that piece of information, but it was the only way to make her shut up.

Katia had dreaded those words for long. She was not an idiot, and supposed a big bond must have existed between Severus and that woman for him to act that way. However, she hadn't want to listen to her intuition, so she had come to Hogwarts decided to put all eggs in one basket. She had to prove she was the woman for Severus Snape, the one who would support him, care for him, and live by his side.

"You love a woman who had disowned you to marry and have kids with other man? A woman who never came to know if you were dead or alive?"

In that very same moment, Severus wanted to push her out of his rooms by brute force, for insulting Lily's name and memory. Katia didn't know anything about her, how sweet, caring, smart and funny Lily had been. She knew nothing about her beautiful hair, her delicate features, or her incredible green eyes. That she had turned her back on him had been entirely his fault.

He decided to give Katia some of her own medicine and explain her why Lily was over any other woman.

"We were friends," he started "we use to live in the same city, and I introduced myself to her in the children's park, at the age of nine or so…" Slowly, he told her his and Lily's story, from childhood to Hogwarts years. Severus, had never talked to anybody about Lily and his relationship with her. He made a big effort to convey how their friendship had worked, how wonderful Lily had been, caring for such a lousy boy. Snape even talked about the Marauders, about their rows and the four on one confrontations. Despite of all his struggle, he had the impression that she was seeing the story from another point of view, as if she had the upper hand, and he had, from the beginning, had the lower one. All his decisions were difficult and all of hers were not so hard. Or was it that voicing it aloud forced him to regard things from a different and more neutral point of view? He didn't want to consider that possibility. After all, even Katia must have understood, because she had stopped frowning in disapproval, and was now staring blankly to the fireplace, a sad look upon her face.

Katia felt fire and ice revolting together inside her. Burning jealousy for the woman who had stole Severus' heart so absolutely. Icy contempt for the girl who had turned her back on a boy who needed her. Terrible sorrow for the person who had been able to see the best in Severus despite his many defects and stood by him all those time, bearing the increasing pressure. Slight disillusion for the boy who had fallen in love so blindly for a girl who was out of his reach from nearly the beginning. Sadness for two persons who had been forced to live such hard times, in which a small mistake, a difference in background, went bigger and bigger until it ended up killing an innocent woman and her husband, and making another great man forever guilty. But, overall, a selfish feeling of anger at the situation in which she was in love with a man who couldn't love any more prevailed.

"You should try to forget her and find a yourself a life." Said Katia in a last attempt, her voice broken.

"I can't."

She closed her eyes. What sense would it make to tell him her feelings now? Suddenly her eyes filled with tears. She didn't want him to see her cry, at least she wanted to keep their friendship, just as he had wanted to keep Lily as a friend before losing her totally. Thought Katia with irony.

"Sorry, Severus, I have to leave."

"Fine then, good bye Katia."

She stepped hastily into the fireplace.

Severus remained seated, watching the fire, buried in his own memories.

Months passed, and when Katia managed to reunite strength enough to write Severus again, she kept her topics strictly friendly. Severus replied to her, awkwardly at the beginning and more explicit as the time passed. And so Christmas postcards went for and back from Russia, year after year. Long letters month after month, two old friends giving advice one each other her, about how to deal with Potions students. Him, on how to build a wizardry school. Severus being a postal witness of Yekaterina Bulanova's great projects. Katia being a dedicated counsellor on Severus Snape going through a life he didn't want.

END OF CHAPTER.

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