He stared out the darkened window as he waited for Charles, his reflection lightly outlined by the light from the fire. He had finally been approached by his friend as they were leaving the library after dinner, quietly asking if he could come to his bedchamber after everyone else retired, to talk.
He knew what Charles wanted to discuss, and while he had kept his promise and not interfered, he was relieved his friend was finally coming to him. He doubted the poor man had even a moment to consider his options with Caroline and Louisa harping on him every single second of the day. Those two could make Mrs. Bennet seem soft spoken … and that was saying something.
Charles had finally taken to his room claiming a headache, which he could well understand as they were giving him one as well, and spent the rest of the afternoon indisposed. He had even declined the invitation to call at Longbourn with them … which had not gone over well with Mrs. Bennet, or, he suspected, Jane.
Although she didn't show any emotion to confirm his suppositions, she still seemed quieter than usual.
Otherwise the visit had gone surprisingly well, all things considered. Mrs. Bennet was rather quiet … at first. But at every break in the conversation she asked after Mr. Bingley, and when told, yet again, that he was temporarily indisposed, made three or four rather pointed inquiries regarding his health.
Thankfully, Mrs. Gardiner had subtly cut her off and changed the topic when even the implacable Jane was showing signs of agitation at her mother's dogged persistence.
His aunt and uncle had been gracious, if hesitant, towards Elizabeth and after a few general questions were content to chat with the Gardiners while unobtrusively observing her interact with Georgiana. If Elizabeth were aware of the intense scrutiny, her demeanor didn't reflect it. She maintained her poise throughout while still allowing her natural good humor to shine through.
Was it any wonder he was so in love with her?
To his great pleasure, she and Georgiana spent almost the entire visit chatting together amicably. Elizabeth's natural warmth and laughter, both at her own and others follies, served to draw out his shy sister and the two had quite a lively discussion that even provoked a giggle or two out of his usually shy and taciturn sister.
The sound surprised his aunt and uncle so much that they paused mid sentence during their discussion with Mrs. Gardiner about theaters in London to observe the engaging spectacle.
Georgiana never giggled, she never laughed, and had rarely smiled since her incident with George Wickham. That scoundrel had so destroyed her self confidence and sense of self worth, that Darcy sometimes felt that George had gotten off too easy. That his Elizabeth could draw such a wondrous sound from his sweet sister made his throat tighten with emotion, and he saw that his aunt's eyes were suspiciously shiny as well.
Georgina and Elizabeth were oblivious to the effect their camaraderie was having on the rest of the room, but it was readily apparent to everyone that his future wife and his sister had become fast friends. A notion that endeared Elizabeth to his aunt and uncle greater than anything else ever could.
Georgiana had never gotten on well with any of the women that stalked … um … made it their desire to get better acquainted with him, and his family knew it. They jokingly admitted that the first lady Georgiana actually got on well with he should marry. He had not appreciated the joke at the time, but now he was certainly pleased that it had proven to be an apt observation.
He had every intention of marrying the lovely Miss Elizabeth Bennet in two days and spend the rest of his days making her feel loved … and making love to her … definitely making love to her!
The fact that his family liked her was just an added bonus.
He had allowed his mind to wander on to more pleasant things until he noticed the sudden silence and realized that Mr. Gardiner had addressed him and was awaiting a response. He blushed and offered his excuses for allowing his attention to wander, but he hadn't missed the knowing smirk Elizabeth's uncle made no effort to conceal.
Yes, the afternoon could be counted as a success as far as his aunt, uncle and sister were concerned. They gave their approval of Elizabeth and spoke very highly of the Gardiners. Georgiana couldn't say enough about how wonderful her future sister was, unfortunately, the same could not be said of their impression of Mrs. Bennet.
Mrs. Bennet, after finally dropping the matter with Bingley, had remained quiet for a time, as if in awe of her company, but had then ruined any impression she may have given of being a well bred lady by asking the Earl's wife, quite pointedly, 'if she had heard the wonderful news that her youngest daughter was to be married to a man of property and with excellent prospects.'
The silence following her question was heavy with tension and incredulity. Elizabeth had turned a startling shade of red and seemed to be struggling to find something to say that would make the situation any less embarrassing, but all she could manage was a strangled apology for 'her mother's forgetfulness to whom they owed their sister's recent good fortune.'
Thankfully, Mrs. Gardiner, sensing that withdrawal was the best solution, pleaded a sudden headache and begged Mrs. Bennet's assistance in helping her to her room. The obtuse woman attempted to pawn her off on Jane, but Mrs. Gardiner remained quite firm that she needed Mrs. Bennet's 'specific' assistance, until she finally stood in a huff and exited the room with her 'ailing' sister-in-law.
A sigh of relief seemed to fill the room at Mrs. Bennet's departure, and slowly conversation began again, although the Netherfield party made their excuses shortly thereafter, perhaps in fear that Mrs. Bennet might decide to return, or simply because they had already been there close to an hour. Either way, he was forced to say good bye to Elizabeth.
Something he was getting extremely tired of doing.
Saturday could not come soon enough for him.
His attention was forced back to the present when he heard a soft knock on the door and he cautiously opened it just enough to peer out in case Caroline had decided to have another go at him. He was relieved to see that it was only Charles.
He smiled as he let Charles in and invited him to have a seat near the fire. He poured them both a glass of brandy before taking the seat across from his friend who remained quiet and pensive. It was a few moments before he began to speak.
"Darce, I need some advice," he began tentatively, "I know you said you were not going to get involved in my personal affairs, but I just don't know what to do."
He ran his hand through his hair in agitation and stood up to pace, unable to remain seated while he was so obviously distressed.
"The thing is … , " he hesitated, then began again, " … the thing is that I'm confused. I love Jane, I truly do, and I want to marry her with my whole heart … but my sisters … and then this things with Miss Lydia … its just … I mean … and then they … ," he stopped when he realized he wasn't making any sense and sat down and took a long draw from his glass before taking a deep breath and trying again.
"I know my sisters don't want me to marry Jane; they proved that by their deceitful actions after the ball, but I was determined to marry her regardless of their opinions once you told me she still loved me."
Charles was quiet for a few minutes and he was hesitant to interrupt what was obviously a very heartfelt issue, so he simply waited to give his friend time and space to organize his thoughts.
"The deciding factor for me leaving Netherfield in the first place was when you told me she didn't love me … and I know now that I was wrong to listen to you and my sisters instead of trusting my own heart … but I have always trusted your judgment over my own and it had always served me well before, so I didn't question you."
He finished his drink and set the glass back down, deferring when a refill was offered.
"I have always been the baby of the family, as you know," he seemed lost in a past memory, "my sisters spoiled me … I readily admit that … but everything changed when my father died and I suddenly became the provider and protector of them," Charles looked over at him almost angrily, and he wondered what he had done to earn his friend's ire.
"Not everyone can be as perfect as you Darce, you took over everything flawlessly after your father died and didn't even seem to blink an eye … and not only have you raised a very young sister on your own, but you have almost doubled your family's fortune and developed a sterling reputation in the first circles at the same time … you make it almost impossible for the rest of us to live up to your lofty standards."
Darcy was stunned at his friend's words. Charles had never given one inkling that he felt inferior in any way save for the occasional joke, but he had never taken those seriously. To finally find out that the friend you had always thought you could relax and be yourself around felt he couldn't live up to your expectations … when you hadn't had any for him… was a blow.
But once started, Charles didn't seem to want to stop.
"So here I am, once again faced with the dilemma of whether or not I stay or go. My heart tells me to stay and make things work and to hell with everyone who believes I am marrying beneath myself … ,"
Had Charles just swore?
" … but then after this whole thing with Miss Lydia, Caroline started in again and I feel like I need to think about her and how my marriage will affect her chances at a good match … and honestly, with her twenty thousand pounds, the only reason she isn't married yet is because she has been holding out for the grand prize … you! Even though I have tried to tell her time and again that you are simply not interested in her in that way … but will Caroline listen to reason … NO! She never has and I doubt she ever will … so that begs the question, if she never listens to me, why am I bothering to listen to her?"
Charles was panting as if he had just run a race and he was almost certain he had never heard such a long speech from Charles in all the time he had known him. This must really be bothering him.
"The other thing is, what happens if we do marry? What happens to my sister then? Will she have to live with us? And how would that work if my wife and sister don't get along? And what happens the next time Caroline disagrees with something Jane or I decide to do? Do you see what I mean Darce? How you have navigated these waters so brilliantly is a mystery to me, and frankly its bloody hard being in your shadow."
His shadow? Is that truly how Charles felt?
"Not that I don't appreciate all you have done for me, because I do. You have helped me navigate the shark infested waters of the ton and without your help I'm sure I would have drowned or been eaten by now, but I think its time I stood on my own and see where things stand."
Drown or be eaten? Where did he come up with this stuff? He knew the Ton could be unforgiving, but had he always felt this way, and if so, why had he never said anything?
Caroline.
Charles had entered society because Caroline had insisted. Charles was as happy at country assemblies as he was anywhere. The difference was, that in the country he was a big fish in a small lake. In London, he was a very, very small fish in a very, very big lake.
Yes, he could see the correlation now.
"I think I need to go away for a while and get my life together before I can even consider marriage. If Jane still wants me after all is said and done, then I'll be thrilled, but as it stands right now, I can't offer her half a man and expect to be able to take care of her and any children we may have in the future. Besides, not that I don't appreciate all you have done for me, but I have to prove I can do this on my own for once."
Charles seemed to lose steam all of a sudden and flopped back against the chair as if waiting to be told he had made the right decision but fearing he would hear otherwise.
Not wanting to disillusion his friend amidst his newly found sense of quasi-independence, he felt he needed to inject some reality into the situation.
"What if she decides not to wait for you? What if someone makes her an offer and she decides to accept?" he asked Charles quietly.
There was a bigger issue that had to be dealt with, but he decided to start out with the easy questions first to try and determine Charles' true feelings before working up to the unavoidable ones.
"Well then, I will just have to deal with that when the time comes. If we can't weather this, than chances are we wouldn't have been able to weather marriage either."
"So what are you going to tell her? When are you going to tell her? What exactly are you planning to do?" he asked patiently, convinced his friend had not properly thought this through and was simply acting on his frustrations.
"I will talk to her tomorrow, and then make plans to close up Netherfield and leave after your wedding. I need to talk to my solicitor and see about cutting Caroline loose. As long as I am responsible for her, she will think she can run my life," he continued on without taking a breath.
"I will get her dowry released to her, and offer her a small quarterly allowance with the stipulation that should she cause any trouble or spread any gossip, about or with any of the Bennets, she will lose that as well." Charles paused and looked at him for his reaction, but seeing only his calm demeanor, he continued.
"She should have more than enough to get herself a small house in town and live quite comfortably until she finds a husband … or barring that … she will have more than enough to support herself if she is prudent, she will just need to hire a companion to live with her."
They both left the obvious unsaid … that Caroline was way past her prime and very bitter, and the only husband she was likely to find at this point was someone in desperate need of her twenty thousand pounds. But hiring a companion reeked of spinsterhood, and he knew she would fight Charles quite vehemently on this.
What remained to be seen was how firm Charles would be once Caroline's inner demoness revealed herself and unsheathed her claws.
He shuddered at the thought even as a small voice in the back of his mind was reminding him that he had warned Charles on numerous occasions that he needed to rein in Caroline before she embarrassed him or got too far out of his control, but Charles had not heeded his warnings and now he would pay the price.
That didn't stop him from feeling sorry for his friend, and he listened as Charles continued speaking.
"After that, I think I will look for a small country estate, somewhere far away from you," Charles gave Darcy a pointed look, "and try and make a go at running it. Something much smaller than Netherfield … ," and far away from the Bennets, remained hanging in the air, unspoken. After a brief hesitation, Charles resumed speaking, his voice growing more animated.
"It was what my father always wanted, and I feel I owe it to him, and myself, to give it an honest go, not just playing at being a country gentleman while my overseer runs everything. If, after six months or a year, things are going well, then I can revisit the marriage issue."
He could see that Charles had indeed given the idea at least a cursory amount of thought, but it was still just an idea and he hated to be the bearer of bad news, especially as the idea had some merit, but he had to bring his erstwhile friend back to face the reality of the situation.
"I think that's a fine idea Charles, especially the part about how you plan on dealing with Caroline, but if you break the engagement now, both yours, your sisters, and Jane's reputation will be ruined."
Charles looked as if he had been struck. Evidently that thought had never occurred to him, and in his frustration he began to pace again until he finally stopped and stared absently into the fire before answering.
"If she chooses to remain engaged after I have explained everything to her than I will honor my word. I will simply postpone the wedding, and we will be separated while I get my life together. If she chooses to end things so she is not tied down until I come back for her, than I will respect that and spread the word that I broke the engagement for health reasons or something so she doesn't suffer."
Darcy wanted to mention that a year spent in Mrs. Bennet's company after the wedding had been indefinitely postponed would be torture enough for anyone, and he doubted that even the calm and complacent Jane could survive that, but wisely held his tongue.
"If this is really what you want to do, you know you have my full support. If there is any way I can help please let me know, but I suspect your biggest hurdle will be Caroline."
"Yes, I will talk to her tomorrow and send her and Louisa back to London. I don't want them ruining your wedding because she is in a temper. I will also write Hurst, he has become increasingly fed up with Caroline's influence over his wife and will be more than happy to assist me in finding Caroline her own place to live."
He was relieved to hear that Caroline would be leaving before the wedding, that was one less worry in a veritable sea of worries these days. He watched his friend pensively staring at the fireplace and hated to once more add to his melancholy, but knowing Mr. and Mrs. Bennet as he did, he knew he needed to speak up.
"Charles, I hate to bring this up," he hesitated to make sure he had his friend's attention, "by rights, Mr. Bennet can insist you honor the agreed upon date for the wedding. What will you do if that is the case?"
Charles seemed to deflate the more he stood there, and he hated to be the one to have to inject a dose of reality upon him, but it was a very real possibility that Mrs. Bennet would, in fact, push the issue … and, of course, Mr. Bennet would agree simply to shut her up.
"Well then, I suppose there would be no choice then but to marry as planned." Charles said in a resigned voice, "I will leave to try and get settled in an estate and come back right before the wedding. Five months should allow me to at least get things started."
"But you do love her, don't you Charles?" he hated to, but felt he had to ask.
Charles seemed lost for a moment, and then shook his head as if suddenly remembering where he was, "Oh yes … I do … I mean," he answered more forcefully, "… yes, I do love her."
"Well then my good friend, let us make a toast to friendship and new beginnings," he refilled both glasses and held one out to Charles, who hesitated and then took it with a smile.
"But first let me tell you a secret," he leaned closer to Charles and indicated he should come closer as well.
"I am not the paragon you would believe me to be Charles, I just hide my fears and foibles behind a cold and indifferent mask that keeps everyone at a distance. I have made more mistakes than I can count … how else do you think I am able to offer such concise advice? … because I want you to learn from my many errors and hopefully not have to go through the heartache I did."
When Charles still hadn't said anything, he took a chance and spoke from the heart, "Because I promise you, it was far from easy and I felt so lost after my father's death, and completely unprepared for what I had just inherited. I still feel that way sometimes … everyone does, and they are lying if they say anything different."
He finished his brandy in one gulp and looked back at his shocked friend. "So go and make your own mistakes and be proud of them, because each one brings you closer to being your own man."
Charles just shook his head and began to laugh, and he followed closely behind, not sure what they were laughing about, but grateful for the relief in brought.
"You are a good man Will Darcy," Charles said quietly as he was preparing to leave the room, "and I am proud to call you my friend."
Charles gave him a last little salute before closing the door, and he stood still for a moment as he swallowed back the emotion Charles' words has elicited.
His friend had a long way to go, and he suspected that he was marrying the wrong woman, but felt a spark of hope that Charles would eventually make it work … for he truly wanted him to be happy.
He locked the door … as he still didn't trust Caroline … finished undressing, banked the fire, blew out the candles, and buried himself under the covers. It took only minutes for his eyelids to grow heavy and as he prepared to drift off to sleep, his last thoughts were of Elizabeth.
His beautiful, desirable, wondrous Elizabeth.