Hey guys, I'm happy I'm able to post another chapter so soon, but that's because I started this one ages ago and have finally finished it. Thank you for the sweet reviews on the last chapter, I really do appreciate them so much. This chapter takes us way back to season 2, seeing how it could have ended differently if Erin had told Jay about her using after his "but know that I am looking out for you" speech. I hope you enjoy, please leave a review!
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Jay goes through his locker slowly, collecting the things he needs so he can head home. It's been a long day, and his growing worry over Erin had only made it longer. She'd been so unresponsive when he'd tried to talk to her earlier, trying to get into her head to figure out what's going on with her. He knows she's hurting after losing Nadia, but it's like there's something else there, and he can't quite put his finger on it.
The sound of footsteps entering grabs his attention, and as if he's conjured her up through his thoughts, Erin comes to stand beside him.
"Hey." He says softly, studying her pale face and dark under eye circles.
"Hey." She replies, not quite meeting his eyes.
They stand in silence, facing each other for a few minutes before Erin speaks again.
"You know how you said that you're here for me?" She asks slowly, taking him back to their earlier conversation.
He nods wordlessly, waiting for her to continue.
"Well, what if it's too much?" She says slowly, her hesitancy obvious in her tone.
His heart jumps at her words. She wants to open up, but she's not sure how to, or if she should. She thinks that what she has to say will change his opinion of her.
"I'm always here for you, Erin, you know that. You can tell me anything."
She laughs, somewhat bitterly. "That's what you say now."
"What's that supposed to mean?" He asks, slightly taken aback.
She lets out a deep breath and lifts her eyes to his. "I really screwed up, Jay."
Her face is serious, and her eyes betray her true emotions. His brow furrows in concern. She's scared, and he rarely sees Erin Lindsay scared.
He finds himself stepping into her without realising, his hands rising to grip her arms. He doesn't want to crowd her, but he can't stand by while she's obviously so tormented.
"Erin, whatever it is, we can fix it." He promises. He has no idea what she's been dealing with, but he'll do anything to make that look on her face go away.
She sighs softly and turns, walking away from him.
His eyes close in defeat, thinking he's pushed her too far and caused her to shut down even more. The sound of a locker opening causes his eyes to fly open again. She's standing in front of her locker, looking for something.
She makes her way back over to him, and stands before him cautiously. He opens his mouth to speak again when she shoves something into his hand. He takes it and looks down at his palm, his jaw falling slightly when he realises.
"Erin …"
A bottle of prescription medication.
He lifts his head to face her, and the hesitancy in her expression is gone, replaced with shame and regret.
He looks back down at the bottle to verify what he's seeing.
"Wha – why?" He can't even form a coherent thought, looking to her for answers.
She shrugs, her eyes dropping away from his again.
"Erin," he puts the bottle down inside his open locker and stands so he's facing her head on. "Why would you do this?"
"Why not? All I am is trouble." She says, bitterly.
"No, you're not, that's total crap and you know it."
"Do I, Jay? I don't think I do." She retorts. "I'm bad news, I've always been bad news and that's all I'll ever be."
"This is not you, this is your mother talking." Jay insists. He's had a bad feeling about Bunny from the start, and now his suspicions have been confirmed.
"You don't know anything about my mother!"
"But I know you, and this isn't you! You're the strongest person I know, Erin, and I know you're going through a hard time but this isn't the answer. Nadia would not want you to do this!" He insists.
"It doesn't matter what Nadia would want because she's dead. And I'm the reason she's dead, so I can do whatever the hell I want!" She yells right back.
"You have got to stop punishing yourself for this! It is not your fault, it's Yates'. No one blames you, and Nadia wouldn't blame you. Please, Erin, no one wants to lose you too. I don't want to lose you."
His words hit her, and her entire body seems to close in on itself, her shoulders falling forward and her arms wrapping around her waist, as if she's holding herself together.
"I just can't believe she's gone." Her whisper barely fills the space between them, but it's enough for Jay to step forward so that he's standing in front of her again.
"Me either." His voice softens from his previous yelling. "And I know I wasn't as close with her as you were, but she would not want you blaming yourself. I know she wouldn't."
Erin hangs her head. "I know. But I can't sleep, and I can't stop thinking about it. I just need to not remember her body in that hole every moment of the day. I need it to go away."
His heart constricts at her shaky voice. One hand reaches up tentatively to cup her cheek with his palm. "I know, Erin, I'm so sorry. I wish I could make this all go away, but I can't."
Her eyes flicker back to him. "It should've been me."
"No," he responds immediately with such force. "Erin, don't even say that."
"What am I supposed to do, Jay?" She asks him, looking so lost. "I've screwed up now. Voight will be so angry with me."
"You've had a setback, Erin, but an understandable one considering what you've been through lately. You can come back from this. I know you can."
"What's the point? I know what I'm like, I'll just screw up again." She tells him dismissively.
"Don't talk about yourself like that!" He says in frustration. "You're strong and amazing, and you can come back from this. I know you want to, under all that hurt, because you trusted me enough to tell me this. I'll help you Erin, whatever it takes."
She stares at him for a moment, and he can see the intense pain now. It hurts to see her so vulnerable, but at least there's feeling in her eyes now, unlike when they spoke a few hours ago. It's when her eyes fill with tears though, that he can't take it anymore, and pulls her into his arms, holding her small body tightly.
"It'll be okay, Erin." He whispers against her hair. "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will be."
She simply nods against his strong chest, afraid to speak in case she dissolves into sobs. She's already being much more vulnerable with Jay than she ever is with anyone.
He simply holds her for a few minutes, before he finally speaks.
"I think we need to go see Voight." He says softly.
She hesitates for a moment before nodding again. She's not thrilled to see how her father figure reacts to news of her using again, but knowing that Jay will be with her makes her the slightest bit more comfortable.
She looks up at him, wishing she could find the words to thank him for not giving up on her. He gives her a soft smile, his eyes telling her that he understands. She manages a small smile back, glad that he gets her.
He lets go of her, but takes one of her hands in his, leading her from the locker room towards Voight's office. He knows there's a long road ahead of Erin, but he'll be there for every step.