Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. The character of Ryn Orun belongs to DestructiveGlory; I am simply borrowing her for the purposes of this story.

(9)

it's my life

one.

She hasn't been able to stop thinking about him.

Ryn remembers when she was sexually awakened. She was older than other Lorethan girls, fifteen. Ferus was nineteen and she'd known him for two years already – she had so few friends in the Temple, but Ferus was definitely one. He'd resisted her increasingly overt advances, to his admirable credit, for another two years, citing that she was "too young".

(She didn't call him out on the fact that at thirteen she'd been chasing galactic criminals down and leading battles, so maybe his priorities were little bit… off?)

It was a slow build, steady and perfect, but of course nothing in her life usually stays the way she wants it to.

She doesn't know what she feels about the day she met Anakin Skywalker, but sometimes she thinks she hates it. A burst of passion, unexpected and terrifying, but enough to rock the very foundations of her life.

How would you feel if you woke up one morning and realised that everything you thought you knew about yourself, you might have been getting wrong your whole life?

(It hasn't fallen down. Yet.)

two.

The start of the day – five, nearly six weeks after she told Ferus to leave – begins poorly. She wakes to a cramping agony in her abdomen and her sheets soaked through with blood, and manages not to swear loudly when she realises that her period isn't actually due for another three days.

She has a headache and is very hungry when Kit contacts her with an unimpressed scowl and even worse news. "The Chancellor is calling for renegotiations?" Ryn repeats in disbelief. "Why?"

Kit's holoimage scowls again. "I don't know why, but this is unacceptable."

Unacceptable is right. Loreth isn't xenophobic, but they are very distrustful of other governments intervening in their affairs. She scowls heavily as well, watching Kenobi on the HoloNet newsfeed. This, she thinks, is the exact reason why they don't.

(She decides to wear her Don't-Fuck-With-Me clothes. See how Kenobi likes that.)

three.

"What do you mean, he can't see me?"

Her heart thuds at the voice, and nearly stops when she turns the corner and sees him.

Anakin Skywalker, in all his blinding glory, is right there in the room, towering over Kenobi's secretary. The Force crackles around him threateningly but not dangerously, and it's intoxicating.

The secretary is a young blonde number, but she isn't nearly the simpering pushover Ryn first takes her for. Her nostrils flare and she places her hands on her hips, glaring at Anakin. "Master Skywalker," she says coldly in an accent that isn't quite Coruscanti. "When I said he can't see you, I meant he can't see you! Chancellor Kenobi is very busy at the moment, and –"

"This is ridiculous! Let me talk to him –"

"Master Skywalker, leave now or I'll call security on you! Chancellor Kenobi cannot see you right now because he is preparing for a very important meeting, and I assure you he'll not be pleased if he is disturbed."

Something in this sentence makes Anakin give up. "Okay, okay, look," he says in defeat, slouching against the desk with a heavy frown. "Fine. Will you at least pass on a message for me?"

"Of course."

"Tell him I came by and I wanted to see how he was. I'm…" Anakin swallows. "I'm worried about him. And tell him to get in contact with me as soon as he can."

The girl writes this down. "I'll make sure he gets it."

For drama's sake – or so Ryn senses – Anakin starts to storm away, bumping into her on the way out. He turns to look at her and a flash of recognition passes his face. "Oh, hi," Anakin says distractedly. "Sorry."

"That's all right," she replies, and their eyes meet for a bare second before he continues storming away. A single second is enough – she feels her carefully constructed walls nearly crash all over again.

It takes every ounce of willpower to stop herself from crying.

(She misses Ferus. Ferus didn't make her feel like this, where she doesn't know anything about herself anymore.)

four.

It is only a matter of time, Obi-Wan Kenobi warns, before the public finds out about Ryn's situation, and the galactic scrutiny – according to him – will be devastating for both the Jedi and Loreth. This is why he has called for this private meeting; to enforce a renegotiation that satisfies Republic human rights laws, now that the Jedi have a Senate seat. The Jedi are now answerable to the Republic, and because of their contract Loreth – by default – can be held answerable to the Republic as well, and the way things are now, so soon after the Clone Wars, this can only turn out very, very badly if her noble hostage status gets out.

(Quite possibly even worse for the Order, and they can't afford any more bad publicity.)

"We can either do this here, in the privacy of my office, or it can be done in a few weeks before the entire galactic Senate when the Humane Overruling Act has been passed. The choice is yours."

His voice is low and soft, smooth and comforting – the perfect timbre for a politician to possess. It turns a threat into a friendly warning – Loreth knows it, and the Jedi know it, but it doesn't matter because her life is signed away once more.

five.

Legally, she is just a liaison to the Jedi Order. No longer a noble hostage – no longer will she be treated to the painful experiments and blood samples bestowed upon her by Yoda. She is required to reside at the Jedi Temple for one week every month and has the freedom to travel back and forth between Loreth and the Republic as she pleases. She is nothing more than a representative of Loreth. It is an agreement that both the Jedi and Loreth grudgingly settle for – but one, Chancellor Kenobi reassures, that will save them from the galaxy's merciless eye.

She's virtually free in all but name now.

Why, then, does it feel like she can't breathe anymore?

six.

Ferus visits her a few days after, and the truth comes spilling out.

Hate is not an emotion she feels keenly, but right now she's not sure who she hates more: Obi-Wan Kenobi, the person Ferus fucked, or Ferus himself.

At the moment, only Ferus is the only one in front of her.

"Of course I'm not fucking happy! It's my life, Ferus!" she screams. It hurts her throat, but damn it all it feels good and so horrible at the same time. She doesn't know what she feels anymore, what she wants. Ferus flinches – serves him right. "My life! You know how much it means to me, but you're just like everyone else who think that it's okay to play around with it as if it means nothing! Well it's not okay, Ferus Olin! It isn't, damn you–"

"But I don't think it means nothing, Ryn! I – I gave you your freedom!"

"I didn't damn well ask you for it, did I? You sold your body to the highest bidder for another contract I had no say in! How dare you play with my life so carelessly –"

"It's not like that," Ferus protests, but she doesn't care, it hurts too much to listen and she thinks maybe she's crying again but she can't tell, and before she knows what she's doing she grabs two plates from the drying rack and hurls them at Ferus's head, one after the other.

He doesn't manage to duck.

seven.

It's a year after the renegotiations and two weeks after Ferus's unflattering, embarrassing proposal when Anakin Skywalker knocks on her door. It starts with a tentative smile and him awkwardly saying, "I think we need to talk."

Anakin Skywalker is a bright spark in a darkening galaxy, full of life and power and intensity. He stirs her blood in a way Ferus never can, and – actually, that isn't entirely true, but it's different. He seems to know it – it makes him embarrassed, actually, and sad. He gazes at her for a long time, thankfully without pity (she doesn't think she could take that), finally seeing her. In that tense second it feels like they're in a different world, but the moment passes quickly. She wonders if he feels what she does – a denied bond, urging to be forged…

Whether or not he does, she'll never know, but she does know that he felt at least something.

"Ryn… I think we missed out on something," he finally says softly, after a short talk. "But… I don't think it's what you think it is." He sighs and holds her hand tenderly. "I'm sorry. I can't give you what you want."

It ends with her crying silently, feeling like a fool, and him kissing her gently on the cheek. He leaves after that – they barely know each other, after all, and probably never will.

How would you feel if you woke up one morning and realised that everything you thought you knew about yourself, you might have been getting wrong your whole life?

…But what if she hasn't been getting it wrong? Anakin Skywalker represents another life she could have had. Would she have been happier, or sadder? Still a hostage – slave – to the Order?

…Would she have ever had Ferus?

She dries her face, and begins to pick up the pieces.

eight.

She visits Ferus on Bellassa a week later. "I think we need to talk," she says awkwardly with a tentative smile.

(It ends with them having sex.)