Disclaimer: The show Grey's Anatomy is not mine, and neither are the characters, I am not receiving any profit from this work. Everyone in this story belongs to Shondaland. I'm just going to play with the characters for a bit. I'll return them in tact... mostly. T for language and content. Rating may change, eventually. All mistakes are mine.

Warning: Depression/suicide thoughts. Dark Chapter. Don't panic no ones going to die.

A/n okay so you remember when I said that things would get worse before they get better. Well that's about to happen for Arizona. She's about to hit rock bottom. But maybe not in the way you might think. I was originally going to post this chapter a bit later but I just feel I need to finish this particular Arizona arc of the story. It feels right. Lots of Callie centric stuff to follow, in the next couple of chapters. And then a slow Calzona burn. I don't know if the last chapter notified people, it didn't appear to update. - this site likes to play with me. Check out the April chapter before this or you won't know what the heck is going on.

Also, Happy Halloween. Zombies episode tomorrow. Oh my.

...

Arizona had spent the last couple of days cooped up in her room. In the time since she had moved in to April's place she had withdrawn into herself. She didn't help around the house. She rarely bathed. She let herself go. She stank now. Arizona had given up. The one person thought found her attractive had turned out to be nothing more than an illusion. When Leah had seen her she had reacted with horror. Leah had run and she had chased her away. It had hurt.

The bus accident had hurt her. Losing those children so suddenly. So abruptly. No time to prepare.

Just like Tim.

That week Arizona barely moved. She sat or lay down and brooded.

April was a generous soul, she let Arizona be herself. Kindly intervening and making sure Arizona ate, watched tv or cooked dinner with her. When April was not around Arizona spent a lot thinking. Dark thoughts going repetitively around her head. Names of people she had lost. Names of things she had lost. Names of places she had lost. April was worried about her but she had nothing to fear, Arizona wasn't suicidal. Arizona was already dead. She'd been dead since the plane, she just hadn't realised it.

Nick, Tim, Callie, Sofia, Mark...

Even Mark, Mark had eventually become a kind of brother to her. She had lost him, unable to say goodbye because she was lost in herself. She was helpless to do anything, helpless and in pain, helpless to help Callie deal with her loss.

Nick, Tim, Callie, Sofia.

She knew she was being silly. Callie had come and told her that she still had a chance. Arizona wasn't ready. She didn't feel worthy.

I'm not worthy of her. I'll always be second best. I'll never know if I'm her choice.

I'm not worthy.

Callie was a huge personality. She didn't want Callie to see her in this state, not when they had so much to still sort through. Callie and Sofia were a package. Arizona didn't really have any rights. Arizona was in no state to look after a child right now, not when she was a child again, herself.

Nick, Tim...

It was overwhelming. She cried for them, mourned them and missed them.

She slept again, when she woke up those names still echoed in her head. They were like accusations. She had let them down. She had let herself down. She hadn't been a good man in a storm. How can you be a good man in a storm if the weather is constantly cyclonic? You have to rest sometime. You have to be still. You can't just... always be in a crisis. Her life since Tim had been a one crisis after another. The shooting, Africa, the car accident where she was the one driving. ...She had almost lost Callie and Sofia, then. She hadn't dealt with it.

She wasn't worthy.

Callie and her were always chasing each other, always losing each other, always reuniting with each other; never trusting one another. Abruptly, Callie had taken her leg. Then Arizona couldn't run. Instead, she had attacked. She had hurt people, hurt herself. She had lashed out at anyone and everyone who tried to see her, for her.

Never stay still, always running when things get tough...

Things were tough and she no longer had anywhere left to run, because no matter how hard she tried she couldn't escape from herself. Wherever she ran she took herself with her, she took her grief with her always. She'd been doing it for years and it had grown, and now she had crashed. Crashed because she was in a safe place.

You can't keep running from yourself. You are always going to end up running into yourself along the way. Sooner or later you're going to find a mirror and see yourself for who you are.

Arizona finally saw who she'd become. Ever since Tim... the two of them were so beautiful together. The children of a marine, with blond hair and matching dimples, they could charm the pants off anyone when they were together. They were naturally happy, wild and vivacious. Always having fun, very energetic and independent.

Suddenly, Tim had died. Ripped away from her in a second. It was not fair. She had adored her brother. Back then, she had longed to join him.

She'd thought about suicide in those dark days. She remembered holding a knife to her wrist and willing herself to cut deep. Until, the faces of all those she would leave behind had stopped her. She had cried. Sudden death creates such a big ripple. It's not just you that suffers. You can't come back from suicide, it's permanent. She had seen the faces of family and friends at the funeral and she couldn't will herself to cut. She couldn't hurt those people, more than what Tim had done and so she had lived for them. She had existed for them. She had played an act and pretended nothing was wrong and that she was still the person who had existed before Tim had died and it had worn her out, until she was nothing but a shell. She wasn't the person she was raised to be.

Nick, Tim, Callie. It was her mantra.

Nick had had come back and brightened Arizona's world, only to rip it apart again. She couldn't be there for him because of that plane.

Nick, Tim, Callie...her leg.

Callie had declared her dead. Even if it was a ploy to win in a fundraiser it was true, she was dead. She had died. She had died on that plane. She could no longer be a good man in a storm.

She had lost them all. She had failed them all. She had lost Nick, Tim, Callie and her leg.

Her leg...

She had lost her leg. She had always been able to run. If that didn't work she had always been able to charm her way back into anyone's heart. She never had to stay long enough to face her actions. She never stayed still long enough to face her thoughts. She never let herself process crisis.

As a child stationed on a base in China; Tim and her had learnt that the symbol for crisis means danger and opportunity.

Danger of staying a victim. Being a victim was easy because it meant you never needed to face your actions if you were so wrapped up in self pity. Arizona was wrapped up in self pity. Now there was another crisis. Arizona was having a crisis within herself. It was an opportunity.

Nick, Tim, Callie.

She had lost Nick and Tim permanently. She had lost Callie, but she might be able to win her back. That, was one opportunity. Another opportunity was to face herself and not run or hide though alcohol, donuts and one night stands. The chance to make a choice. She had died once, on a plane isolated from her family. This time... this crisis she would live, through and no longer be a victim. It wouldn't be easy. It's easier being dead.

Time for life, maybe time to do something for someone else: starting with April who had been so kind. Time to do something for others. Time to clean the house, clean her life, time for rebirth.

When April came home that night it was to a clean house. The kitchen was clean and the place sparkled. There were flowers on the table and a roast chicken was cooking in the oven. On the table there was a note. Written on that note was one word...

Thank-you

It was a start.