Chapter 9- The good, the bad ass, and the homo
Well, when we last left off our heroes,{ Heroes? I only counted 1...} they were heading down to basement sublevel 5. Why are they going there? If you don't know this by now, slap yourself and read chapters 1-8. They have just reached sublevel 4. [Few people know this, but the entire complex is really just another division of Disneyland gone horribly awry. Americo-Disney, like Eurodisney, was destined for failure.]
Raiden: Thank god! We are almost there.
Ocelot: Ja. But we must hurry. I know they plan to launch it soon, but I'm not sure how soon.
Snake: You're right, kraut. Now lets hope its not too soon.
Ashley: Yes! We must hurry! Think of the damage that Sex Toy Gear could do to the ozone!
Snake: Shut up lady! Unless you're ready to be fucked, I don't care!
Ashley: I'll let you fuck me if you promise to stop Sex Toy Gear, and not damage the environment.
Snake: . . . Deal!
As Snake gets a bit happier that he knows he will be in bed with a decent looking woman soon, 6 guards come out of no where. Ocelot shows off mad skills by firing only three shots, yet taking them all down. As he looks pleased with himself, a small cylinder rolls out from the corner. It explodes. It seems not to do anything, but then they notice that lightning is flashing on Ocelot. Ocelot collapses to the ground.
Ocelot: Zahn wählt Zahn-Auswahl aus, die wir aus Zahn-Auswahl heraus laufen lassen . . .
Snake: Shit! Chaff!
7 guards come running out from the corner, along with a man none of them have seen before. He is tall, has a 5 o'clock shadow, is wearing a black beanie, a black turtleneck, and black sweat pants. He has, but of course, black gloves on (the fingerless kind), and is holding a FAMAS.
???: Ah, ze American pig-dogs.if any of you move, I will shoot ze fuck out of you, oui.
The man has a very heavy French accent. (*scoffs* the French. Who needs em?)
Snake: Shit. You're Louis the Bear, aren't you?
Louis: Zat would be correct, you slimy little cock sucking monkey spanking whore!
From behind them, more 5 more guards come along with Jackal.
Jackal: Ah. So that is the surprise the boss was talking about. Louis the Bear.
Louis: Mind your own business, you 'tardfucking rimjob-giving dickweed on a stick with shit-covered pretzels on ze side!
Jackal: So you do have the foulest mouth ever. Interesting. Take them to the torture room on this floor.
Guard: What do you want us to do with the robot, sir?
Jackal: Just stuff him in a broom closet, or something.
Snake, Ashley, and Raiden place their hands behind their heads as they are lead off to the torture room. As they are being dragged off, Snake notices that 3 other guards are escorting Chief and Commander down the hall.
Commander: Chief! It ain't over until the fat lady sings, Chief!
Chief: Oh, I made yer wife "sing" alright. . .nancyboy. . .
Commander: Gosh darn it, Chief! You're just as bad as Saddam Hussein!
Chief: Yer mom sung alright as well, BOY!
Commander: Chief! You better stop pushing my buttons, Chief! We don't take kindly to that were we come from . . . Chief!
Chief: Shut that trap you call a mouth shit eater! You came from Alaska, the home of the pansy ass butt-munching brown nosers!
Commander: Chief! Ya cut me deep Chief! Ya cut me deep.
Chief: Damn right I cut ya deep bitch! If ya keep flappin' that yap o' yours, I'll cut ya so bad, you'll wish. . . That I didn't cutcha so bad!
Guard: Lock it up both of you!
Chief: Don't make me go Bob Green on yo' ass! If ya don't behave, ya might just get shot!
Commander: Chief! Don't threaten the guard, Chief!
Chief: Shuddap.
As Commander and Chief are dragged off, Snake sees two other guards dumping Uncle Jessie's dead body in the garbage chute. A moment latter, a door opens in front of them, and they are pushed inside. They are then strapped into chairs. All but one of the guards leave. Habib then walks in. Also, the bird which Raiden was attacked by flies in and begins attacking Raiden again. No one seems to notice, or care, that he is being assaulted.
Habib: Hehe! You cant put a trash can on my head now, can you solid dick head! HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!
Snake: Ugh. What a moron.
Habib has his big ass magnum in his pants. He is walking all gangsta style. He walks in front of Ashley, and stares.
Habib: Oh! Hopefully Homer will let me play with you!
Ashley: Is that a gun in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?
Habib gets excited, then a gun shot shatters the silence. A bloodstain appears on Habib's crotch.
Habib, in a high girly voice which sounds like he is in pain: Well. It was both. *Pulls out his gun* But now its just the gun!
He grabs his crotch and runs out of the room. The bird then begins to mindlessly peck the guard's head. The guard though, is too stupid to realize this.
Snake: Nice work Ashley.
Ashley: T'was nuttin'. *Blushes*
10 minutes go by.
Raiden: Snake. We may not live through this. But I just want to get this out in the open.
Snake: That you're a fucking homosexual prick (I lost track of how many homosexual references have been said this far. Same goes for the swearing. If you find out and tell me, I'll give ya a cookie.) who, no matter how many times I tell him to not look at my ass, does so anyways.
Raiden: Darn it! I did not stare at your ass!
Guard: Yes you did. I saw you as we were walking over here.
Ashley: So did I.
Raiden: Oh, you two stay out of this!
Snake: Just shut the fuck up, and stop looking at my ass.
Raiden: I did not lo-
Raiden is cut off when the door opens, and Flamingo prances in like a ninny. He walks over to Ashley. The bird lands on Flamingos shoulder. It pecks the side of his head, but dies. Apparently the gayness of Flamingo was too strong for it to bear, so it died. Wow . . . I never thought I would see some one who is much more of a fruit than Raiden.
Flamingo: Oh, this will just not do! *tsk tsk* I ca'nt work with a woman!
He then walks over in front of Raiden.
Flamingo: Hmm. He does have a nice face. Oh my lordy! You need to drop of those extra pounds at social services 'cause you are abusing them!!
He slaps Raiden playfully. He finally walks over to Snake.
Flamingo: Oh! Oh.OH! Woo woo, somebody sound the alarms, because this guy is a fire hazard! He's SO hot I could burn myself up! I'd bring in a fire hose, but I think you've brought your own. OOOH! Score one for me, I'm naughty!
Snake: Get away from me.
Flamingo: Oh, fiesty little scamp aren't we! I can't wait to play! Oooooh! I feel so dirty!
Raiden: Leave him alone!
Flamingo looks at Raiden.
Flamingo: Oh, that suit will just not do. It is sooo like, 5 minutes ago!
Ashley: You're one sick. sick. Sicko!
Flamingo: Oh don't you go there girlfriend, or I'll bitch slap your ass back to the brothel from whence you came!
Before this thing could continue, the door crashes down. Ocelot bursts through the door. On a Harley, no less. He pulls out a sawed off boomstick. [Does this mean Ocelot came out of the closet.?]
Ocelot: Get der fuck out of my vay!
Flamingo: EEEEEKKKK!!!!
Flamingo runs to a corner and curls up in a ball. Ocelot walks over and undoes the trio's holdings.
Ocelot: We have to hurry!
Snake: I know, they are going to launch Sex Toy Gear. You said that li-
Ocelot: Negative. They have moved it to a different location.
Raiden: WHAT!
Ashley: Impossible!
Snake: You're shitting me!
Ocelot: I vish I vas, but sadly I'm not programmed to shit. We have to get out of this jungle and locate it. We must get to Otacon so he can find it. He will be able to find it, ja?
Snake: Yeah, hopefully he will be able to locate it in time.
Raiden: Speaking of which, how long until Sex Toy Gear launches and begins its assault?
Ocelot: Vell, it vas supposed to launch in just under vone hour, but it cannot any more. It vill take zem at least 3 days before it can.
Ashley: What makes you so sure?
Snake: Because transporting something that large without commotion will take a bit. Besides, they have to find a good bunker to store it, make sure all connections are go, and double check all the data.
Raiden: I have to inform the Colonel.
Raiden gets in his codec crouch and dials Colonel. He doesn't get a response.
Raiden: This is odd. Colonel won't respond.
Snake: Maybe he got caller ID.
Snake gets in the codec crouch and dials Otacon.
Otacon: *Creepy voice* Lleh fo gnir lanif eht dehcaer evah uoY.
Snake: Dickweed, we have a problem.
Otacon: What now?
Snake: They moved Sex Toy Gear to a different location. We need your help in finding it.
Otacon: Shit. I'll do my best. I will send my friend over to pick you guys up in a chopper. On such short notice, he should arrive there in around 2 hours. Can you hold out that long?
Snake: Well, we have held out this long haven't we assdick?
Otacon: Ok. I should be able to locate the convoy, if they haven't covered their tracks, within about 3 hours.
Snake: Excellent. Oh, and Hammond's daughter does not know how to stop it. We will have to take it down by hand like usual.
Otacon: Ok. I'll see if I can find any information on Zeal, what organization this is, or info on Sex Toy Gear.
Snake: We're counting on you.
Snake disconnects from the codec.
Raiden: So, we leaving by chopper?
Snake: Yeah.
Ocelot: Good. Ve might just be able to stop them before the launch. Sex Toy Gear is the most deadly machine on the planet.
Ashley: What is it equipped with?
Ocelot: Vell, it is supposed to have nuclear bunker missiles, a rail gun, and several chemical and biological weapons.
Raiden: Well spank my ass and call me Susie!
Raiden bends over.
Raiden: Go on. Spank me. Call me Susie.
Snake: You're so fucking messed up.
Ashley: We have to stop it without it launching anything.
Snake: Yeah. Shit. This mission is getting more and more bogus.
You're telling me, man. These Zeal pricks are getting on my nerves. What the hell type of name is Zeal any way? What the hell is it! I DON'T KNOW! AHHH! I'm so fucking confused! Ahh fuck it! Till next time fellow fucked up people.
Well, when we last left off our heroes,{ Heroes? I only counted 1...} they were heading down to basement sublevel 5. Why are they going there? If you don't know this by now, slap yourself and read chapters 1-8. They have just reached sublevel 4. [Few people know this, but the entire complex is really just another division of Disneyland gone horribly awry. Americo-Disney, like Eurodisney, was destined for failure.]
Raiden: Thank god! We are almost there.
Ocelot: Ja. But we must hurry. I know they plan to launch it soon, but I'm not sure how soon.
Snake: You're right, kraut. Now lets hope its not too soon.
Ashley: Yes! We must hurry! Think of the damage that Sex Toy Gear could do to the ozone!
Snake: Shut up lady! Unless you're ready to be fucked, I don't care!
Ashley: I'll let you fuck me if you promise to stop Sex Toy Gear, and not damage the environment.
Snake: . . . Deal!
As Snake gets a bit happier that he knows he will be in bed with a decent looking woman soon, 6 guards come out of no where. Ocelot shows off mad skills by firing only three shots, yet taking them all down. As he looks pleased with himself, a small cylinder rolls out from the corner. It explodes. It seems not to do anything, but then they notice that lightning is flashing on Ocelot. Ocelot collapses to the ground.
Ocelot: Zahn wählt Zahn-Auswahl aus, die wir aus Zahn-Auswahl heraus laufen lassen . . .
Snake: Shit! Chaff!
7 guards come running out from the corner, along with a man none of them have seen before. He is tall, has a 5 o'clock shadow, is wearing a black beanie, a black turtleneck, and black sweat pants. He has, but of course, black gloves on (the fingerless kind), and is holding a FAMAS.
???: Ah, ze American pig-dogs.if any of you move, I will shoot ze fuck out of you, oui.
The man has a very heavy French accent. (*scoffs* the French. Who needs em?)
Snake: Shit. You're Louis the Bear, aren't you?
Louis: Zat would be correct, you slimy little cock sucking monkey spanking whore!
From behind them, more 5 more guards come along with Jackal.
Jackal: Ah. So that is the surprise the boss was talking about. Louis the Bear.
Louis: Mind your own business, you 'tardfucking rimjob-giving dickweed on a stick with shit-covered pretzels on ze side!
Jackal: So you do have the foulest mouth ever. Interesting. Take them to the torture room on this floor.
Guard: What do you want us to do with the robot, sir?
Jackal: Just stuff him in a broom closet, or something.
Snake, Ashley, and Raiden place their hands behind their heads as they are lead off to the torture room. As they are being dragged off, Snake notices that 3 other guards are escorting Chief and Commander down the hall.
Commander: Chief! It ain't over until the fat lady sings, Chief!
Chief: Oh, I made yer wife "sing" alright. . .nancyboy. . .
Commander: Gosh darn it, Chief! You're just as bad as Saddam Hussein!
Chief: Yer mom sung alright as well, BOY!
Commander: Chief! You better stop pushing my buttons, Chief! We don't take kindly to that were we come from . . . Chief!
Chief: Shut that trap you call a mouth shit eater! You came from Alaska, the home of the pansy ass butt-munching brown nosers!
Commander: Chief! Ya cut me deep Chief! Ya cut me deep.
Chief: Damn right I cut ya deep bitch! If ya keep flappin' that yap o' yours, I'll cut ya so bad, you'll wish. . . That I didn't cutcha so bad!
Guard: Lock it up both of you!
Chief: Don't make me go Bob Green on yo' ass! If ya don't behave, ya might just get shot!
Commander: Chief! Don't threaten the guard, Chief!
Chief: Shuddap.
As Commander and Chief are dragged off, Snake sees two other guards dumping Uncle Jessie's dead body in the garbage chute. A moment latter, a door opens in front of them, and they are pushed inside. They are then strapped into chairs. All but one of the guards leave. Habib then walks in. Also, the bird which Raiden was attacked by flies in and begins attacking Raiden again. No one seems to notice, or care, that he is being assaulted.
Habib: Hehe! You cant put a trash can on my head now, can you solid dick head! HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!
Snake: Ugh. What a moron.
Habib has his big ass magnum in his pants. He is walking all gangsta style. He walks in front of Ashley, and stares.
Habib: Oh! Hopefully Homer will let me play with you!
Ashley: Is that a gun in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?
Habib gets excited, then a gun shot shatters the silence. A bloodstain appears on Habib's crotch.
Habib, in a high girly voice which sounds like he is in pain: Well. It was both. *Pulls out his gun* But now its just the gun!
He grabs his crotch and runs out of the room. The bird then begins to mindlessly peck the guard's head. The guard though, is too stupid to realize this.
Snake: Nice work Ashley.
Ashley: T'was nuttin'. *Blushes*
10 minutes go by.
Raiden: Snake. We may not live through this. But I just want to get this out in the open.
Snake: That you're a fucking homosexual prick (I lost track of how many homosexual references have been said this far. Same goes for the swearing. If you find out and tell me, I'll give ya a cookie.) who, no matter how many times I tell him to not look at my ass, does so anyways.
Raiden: Darn it! I did not stare at your ass!
Guard: Yes you did. I saw you as we were walking over here.
Ashley: So did I.
Raiden: Oh, you two stay out of this!
Snake: Just shut the fuck up, and stop looking at my ass.
Raiden: I did not lo-
Raiden is cut off when the door opens, and Flamingo prances in like a ninny. He walks over to Ashley. The bird lands on Flamingos shoulder. It pecks the side of his head, but dies. Apparently the gayness of Flamingo was too strong for it to bear, so it died. Wow . . . I never thought I would see some one who is much more of a fruit than Raiden.
Flamingo: Oh, this will just not do! *tsk tsk* I ca'nt work with a woman!
He then walks over in front of Raiden.
Flamingo: Hmm. He does have a nice face. Oh my lordy! You need to drop of those extra pounds at social services 'cause you are abusing them!!
He slaps Raiden playfully. He finally walks over to Snake.
Flamingo: Oh! Oh.OH! Woo woo, somebody sound the alarms, because this guy is a fire hazard! He's SO hot I could burn myself up! I'd bring in a fire hose, but I think you've brought your own. OOOH! Score one for me, I'm naughty!
Snake: Get away from me.
Flamingo: Oh, fiesty little scamp aren't we! I can't wait to play! Oooooh! I feel so dirty!
Raiden: Leave him alone!
Flamingo looks at Raiden.
Flamingo: Oh, that suit will just not do. It is sooo like, 5 minutes ago!
Ashley: You're one sick. sick. Sicko!
Flamingo: Oh don't you go there girlfriend, or I'll bitch slap your ass back to the brothel from whence you came!
Before this thing could continue, the door crashes down. Ocelot bursts through the door. On a Harley, no less. He pulls out a sawed off boomstick. [Does this mean Ocelot came out of the closet.?]
Ocelot: Get der fuck out of my vay!
Flamingo: EEEEEKKKK!!!!
Flamingo runs to a corner and curls up in a ball. Ocelot walks over and undoes the trio's holdings.
Ocelot: We have to hurry!
Snake: I know, they are going to launch Sex Toy Gear. You said that li-
Ocelot: Negative. They have moved it to a different location.
Raiden: WHAT!
Ashley: Impossible!
Snake: You're shitting me!
Ocelot: I vish I vas, but sadly I'm not programmed to shit. We have to get out of this jungle and locate it. We must get to Otacon so he can find it. He will be able to find it, ja?
Snake: Yeah, hopefully he will be able to locate it in time.
Raiden: Speaking of which, how long until Sex Toy Gear launches and begins its assault?
Ocelot: Vell, it vas supposed to launch in just under vone hour, but it cannot any more. It vill take zem at least 3 days before it can.
Ashley: What makes you so sure?
Snake: Because transporting something that large without commotion will take a bit. Besides, they have to find a good bunker to store it, make sure all connections are go, and double check all the data.
Raiden: I have to inform the Colonel.
Raiden gets in his codec crouch and dials Colonel. He doesn't get a response.
Raiden: This is odd. Colonel won't respond.
Snake: Maybe he got caller ID.
Snake gets in the codec crouch and dials Otacon.
Otacon: *Creepy voice* Lleh fo gnir lanif eht dehcaer evah uoY.
Snake: Dickweed, we have a problem.
Otacon: What now?
Snake: They moved Sex Toy Gear to a different location. We need your help in finding it.
Otacon: Shit. I'll do my best. I will send my friend over to pick you guys up in a chopper. On such short notice, he should arrive there in around 2 hours. Can you hold out that long?
Snake: Well, we have held out this long haven't we assdick?
Otacon: Ok. I should be able to locate the convoy, if they haven't covered their tracks, within about 3 hours.
Snake: Excellent. Oh, and Hammond's daughter does not know how to stop it. We will have to take it down by hand like usual.
Otacon: Ok. I'll see if I can find any information on Zeal, what organization this is, or info on Sex Toy Gear.
Snake: We're counting on you.
Snake disconnects from the codec.
Raiden: So, we leaving by chopper?
Snake: Yeah.
Ocelot: Good. Ve might just be able to stop them before the launch. Sex Toy Gear is the most deadly machine on the planet.
Ashley: What is it equipped with?
Ocelot: Vell, it is supposed to have nuclear bunker missiles, a rail gun, and several chemical and biological weapons.
Raiden: Well spank my ass and call me Susie!
Raiden bends over.
Raiden: Go on. Spank me. Call me Susie.
Snake: You're so fucking messed up.
Ashley: We have to stop it without it launching anything.
Snake: Yeah. Shit. This mission is getting more and more bogus.
You're telling me, man. These Zeal pricks are getting on my nerves. What the hell type of name is Zeal any way? What the hell is it! I DON'T KNOW! AHHH! I'm so fucking confused! Ahh fuck it! Till next time fellow fucked up people.