Chapter 10

We woke up together the next morning. Whether it had been Luke stirring that awakened me, or my early morning wigglings that awakened him, I wasn't sure, but it didn't much matter. We smiled at each other, my own expression maybe a little sheepish, Luke's steady and confidant, as we stretched and regained our scraps of clothing, working out the kinks of the long ride and intense evening activities, finally covering ourselves once again. I was stretching my legs and adjusting my necklace when Luke padded across the ground and took my hand.

"Jenna…thank you for last night," he said with a sweet smile. I smiled back but prepared myself to launch an explanation. Luke never gave me the chance. "That was beautiful. And it can be…whatever it needs to be. Alright?" He spoke gently, his eyes clear and genuine. I smiled wider, so grateful for his understanding. He was making it very easy for me to love him.

"Thank you, Luke," and I brushed his jaw with my fingers. He grinned and soon turned away to continue gathering his belongings. I was wondering just what he felt about last night…he had come across so caring, so intensely loving even without saying it, but it seemed to fade so quickly back into casual friendship now that the morning had come. I had just begun pondering in earnest when Luke spoke again.

"Oh, and, Jenna…?" I turned to look at him. He gave me a long stare, his face soft but otherwise unreadable. "I don't want to complicate things for you. At all. But…" he glanced down and I saw him grin. He looked up again, his smile still in place. "We can do that again, anytime you want." I grinned a goofy smile and glanced down at the ground myself. I couldn't help teasing him a little, in the fashion of our usual easy banter.

"What about whenever you want?" I asked with a half-grin.

"We wouldn't get much of anything else done, if it were up to me," he said in a low growl, his face wickedly ferocious in an instant. We laughed together for a moment as his expression eased into a friendly smile once more. "I mean it, though. Anytime."

We finished gathering our things and ate some breakfast without another word about our evening activities. It was easy not to worry about it, with Luke. He made everything easy. We talked freely about other things and got underway. I enjoyed the solitude with Luke as we rode to the next site. I thought about Jake…and then about Luke…and I knew I was in trouble with my emotions.

The day went without any snags; we found the sites easily enough and Luke took the samples he needed, recorded the important data, and discussed the progress of the project with me. Only a few times during the ride did Luke point us in a slightly out of the way direction to avoid any trouble with potential predators. We never actually encountered any, thanks to his foresight, and I caught myself admiring his skill in reading the land and the environment. He was indeed a very capable man.

Finally, with the sun rapidly waning, we approached Hometree once again. I recognized the now-familiar lay of the land as the sun set in full. We rode by the shining light of the brilliantly colored foliage and at last, came upon the home clearing. Luke and I unburdened our mounts and set them to graze with the other pa'li as Jake came walking up to greet us home. He hadn't waited for us to come find him, and I smiled at that, despite myself. You're not making things any better, Jenna, my sensible voice chided. I know, I replied to it, and gave Jake a big smile in return anyway.

Luke and I were determinedly friendly toward each other as we rejoined the clan and regaled them with some of our findings at the test sites, but the glances we shared were clearly still reminiscent of our recently shared passion. His eyes lingered on mine a little longer, and although I knew he was trying to just let me be as much as possible, the truth was that I was subtly encouraging his attentions. I couldn't help it. Luke was sweet, gentle and kind, but also demanding, unapologetic in his attraction toward me and in pushing my boundaries just far enough. He was fiercely loyal to me, I knew. Unfortunately, while I was terrifically flattered and readily accepted it from him, I was also reminded how my own loyalties were so determinedly split, especially as Jake's attitude deteriorated toward Luke once again. Toward me, Jake was still himself…his strong, confidant, wonderful self. Toward Luke…, well, it was difficult to see any hint of the close friendship they had shared. anymore. I was in serious trouble.

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The tall Na'vi male strode purposefully over to his Oloeyktan after the evening meal as the gathered hunters were dispersing for the night. Two days had passed since Luke had taken Jenna on the overnight scouting trip and he had been thinking nonstop of the woman ever since.

"Jake." The Oloeyktan turned to face his clansman and rose slowly to his feet as he digested the purposeful look on Luke's face.

"Luke," Jake greeted the biologist noncommittally with a small nod.

"Can we talk?" Luke was tense but determined, his bearing steady. Jake didn't respond immediately, but just kept a solid gaze on Luke for a moment as he considered. Jake knew what this was about, and didn't much want to discuss her with Luke. But Luke was his fellow clansman…he would hear what he had to say, however reluctantly. Jake nodded and indicated for Luke to follow him a short distance away from the main gathering. When both men had found some relative privacy, Luke got right to the point. He had no illusions that Jake wouldn't know what he had approached him about. "Jake, look, this is getting out of hand." Jake sighed sharply and just stared at Luke. He knew the truth of his brother's words, but had no ready response for it.

"Do you intend to go for Jenna, or not?" Luke asked plainly, steadily. His voice was low and his eyes stern. He was forcing Jake to consider.

"It isn't that simple, and you know it." Jake rumbled in an equally steady voice.

"Bullshit. It's as simple as you want it to be. You're tearing her to pieces with these stupid fucking games." Luke's anger came out in full as he spoke in a deadly calm voice to the Oloeyktan. Jake snarled in response to the accusation, but Luke held firm. "I know you see it," Luke said in a softer tone. Jake glanced down at the ground with a glower; he did see it. He hated being a part of Jenna's growing conflict and confusion. He knew that, as Oloeyktan, he could have his choice of consenting mate, and Luke would probably accept his decision if Jenna shared it, but Jake knew better…he saw the attraction between Jenna and Luke. It was a deadly game they were playing, now. The situation was anything but simple. Luke, of all the people, should know better than to suggest it was.

"You're not exactly making it any easier for her, yourself, brother," Jake replied in a low tone, stressing his last word with an intense look. He wasn't going to brush aside the role he had played in this mess, but Jake had seen Luke's demeanor toward the woman…indeed, the man made to effort to hide it. He wasn't blameless, either.

"I know," Luke replied, his voice dropping another notch. He was regretful for causing trouble for Jenna. He hadn't wanted that at all. But he loved the woman deeply. He wanted a life with her, within the clan. He knew the subtle danger of tsahaylu with another person, probably better than most. He knew the danger of bonding with her, as connected as she was with Jake and also to himself, but things could change…time could change the situation, and he was willing to wait. But not if Jake was going to keep yo-yoing back and forth with her.

"Jake…brother…I love her. She is an incredible woman…and she's immersing herself more and more in our life every day. She's thinking ahead, what she wants to become here in the clan, where she wants her life to go, what she wants to be doing…she doesn't deserve to spend it bouncing back and forth in confusion and never being able to truly settle with any one man. She is so sensitive, she would hurt herself before anyone else and that's exactly what she's doing here…she's taking all of this…this tension onto herself." Luke went on a bit more, and the more Jake heard him speak of Jenna, he knew that she could probably be happy with Luke as her mate. He didn't know if it would be possible, if Jenna's tie to himself could be broken sufficiently to allow the bond between her and Luke, but Jake knew that a life with Luke would be a good one for Jenna. Jake contemplated his own life without her…his heart lurched at the thought, but wasn't he already resigned to it? Wasn't that why he kept refusing her advances, even after he had encouraged them? How would it be worse to allow Jenna some happiness with Luke? And Luke…well, he knew the danger of tsahaylu with Jenna, but he was not so fully removed from human life and customs as Jake. He could very well be happy with a more human relationship with Jenna if a bond with her were not possible, and Jenna, although she was learning rapidly and adjusting beautifully to the Na'vi lifestyle, was still very human herself. Jake knew she could be happy with that kind of relationship, as well, and knew she was quite enamored of Luke in any case.

But even as Luke was talking, Jake felt a raging defiance rise up in his heart; he would not be able to turn off the draw he felt toward her so easily. He needed to know how Jenna felt. If she really pined for a settled life with Luke, that would make a big impression on him, he was sure. For her sake, he would let her go. If that's what she wanted. If that was even what she might want, or think she might be happy with. He would need to talk to her, alone, but his days were filled for the next several days to come. After that, then, Jake decided. He could wait that long. And, he decided grimly, a little uncharitably, so could Luke.

Luke had finished talking and was looking grim himself, waiting for Jake's response to his tirade. He knew he had gone off a bit on him, but he could take whatever Jake handed back to him. Jake's demeanor had softened almost imperceptibly as he spoke in reply to his clansman.

"Look," Jake began, his tone deep and intense. "I can't just stop caring for Jenna, and I know I'm not helping the situation. I know she's confused. I know you're angry, and I know you want her. I don't know if you'd be content with the kind of relationship you could have with her, unbonded…because you know the truth of that…" Jake looked sternly at Luke as he said it, impressing his point on the man. "But I can't do that. I can't have the relationship I want with her. Because of you." Luke looked disgruntled as Jake spoke, but he knew the truth of the matter. Still, it offered no solutions for their situation. Luke shifted in place, frustrated and trying to cut in.

But Jake wasn't finished. He sneered and shook his head. "You know, maybe you haven't even noticed but I do actually see what's going on with my people, Luke. All of them. I know Jenna's been having a tough time; I know she's looking to her future. She does talk to me, too. But as clan leader, I have to consider the lives of every person here, not just yours, and not just hers. And I do consider Jenna's life, Luke, don't you ever suggest I don't. I have been trying to move back from the situation. I really have. I can't afford to indulge human cravings…"

"Oh right, Jake, that's why you've got your hands on her every chance you get. Because you're not going to regress to human behavior ever again," Luke retorted, interrupting at last.

"Is that how you want to play this?" Jake hissed with a dangerous tilt of his head, stepping closer to the other man, almost nose to nose. "You want me to forego all my human tendencies and we'll work this out like two Na'vi? Because you know how that works." Luke stepped back away from Jake's menacing advance. He had pushed too far, and he hadn't really meant it. He didn't blame Jake for showing his human side; he was encouraged to see it, in fact. Just not aimed in Jenna's direction. Jake's threat had not been serious, but he had made his point…he was indeed practicing a great deal of restraint in the given circumstances, and Luke finally recognized it.

The men shared a few moments' heated silence, regarding each other in the flickering light of the still-lit fire.

"So what now?" Luke asked in a low voice, still disgruntled and losing patience with the Oloeyktan, and with himself. There was no good solution to be found after all, it seemed.

"You walk away. You do what you need to do, in regard to Jenna. I'm not going to stop you. I have no call to stop you. And I'll do what I need to do, to keep my sanity." Jake replied in an intense, serious timbre. Luke knew it was as much of a concession as Jake was going to offer. He sighed deeply just once before turning and walking away from Jake.

Jake watched him go. He knew more than ever how badly Jenna was handling his inconsistent behavior toward her. He told himself he would try harder to be more friendly toward Jenna and less…grabby. But still…he would plan on taking her hunting when his appointed duties had been seen to. He desperately needed to talk to her, alone.

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Since our return from the overnight scouting trip, relations between my two friends and lovers had gradually become more and more strained. Luke's attitude had shifted very slightly; he had always been very attentive of me, but it now was much more open and it seemed to irritate Jake more and more. It was very subtle. Jake didn't smile as much, or seek my company when Luke was around. He seemed always occupied with his clan duties, which were certainly extensive, but he now only shared a few words with me during the very early or very late hours of the day, and we shared fewer and fewer meals. Luke, in the wake of Jake's cooler demeanor, had become warmer toward me, very subtly, more willing to lay a hand on my shoulder and the like. But toward Jake, he had become more formal. Again…a very subtle shift.

I was spending more time with Luke as Jake pulled away. I enjoyed the time with Luke a great deal. He was laying down the charm pretty heavily, and I admit, I was drinking it in. But I missed Jake's attention. What few moments we had together felt good; they felt genuine. They were easy and friendly, most times, and only occasionally a little risqué, but we would laugh it away…unless Luke was nearby. In those cases, the tension between Luke and Jake became more obvious in the form of hard stares and rather possessive hands and postures. I kept trying to keep Jake at a friendly distance, not too close, and not too far away. We had a very difficult time finding that in-between, though, and he was growing progressively more irritable toward Luke while still pulling away from me overall.

I tried to maintain a friendly position toward Luke, as well, despite his charm. I couldn't forget the passion we had shared; quite the contrary, I saw him naked in the moonlight in my mind's eye more often than was strictly appropriate. But I was scared of it. Scared with the clashing feelings I was having for both men, and scared of the rising tension between them. Wanting to coax Jake back into better humor, I began a new project, weaving and decorating an arm band for him. It was a little trickier than making bowls, binding and twisting together the different textures and materials I wanted to use in such a small and intricate pattern, and took me several days to complete.

On the same day I had finished my project, things took a slightly uglier turn. Jake snapped at Luke for something to do with his research while the three of us were gathered together before heading off in our directions for the day. It was a ridiculous complaint, and we all knew it, but Jake had shouted anyway and left with a glare at Luke. Luke shrugged it off, knowing that whatever was bugging Jake was not to do with the research. I had a very good idea of what was bugging Jake, and what was more, I suspected Luke did too.

Late that night, after dinner, Luke and I were chatting off to the side of the gathering. He was playing the flirt pretty heavily that night and was just plucking a twig from my hair as we laughed together when I saw Jake come striding past. He hadn't been heading for us, just passing through, but he had spied us all the same. His purposeful stride paused for just a moment as his head turned in our direction. Then he whipped around forward again and kept striding on. The moment had silenced our laughter and I saw Luke's eye following the Oloeyktan as he walked away. His look was not soft anymore and I saw a muscle twitch in his jaw. Uh oh. Things were getting worse. I felt very much at the heart of it, so I decided to talk to Jake directly that night, perhaps give him the gift I had made for him, hoping to mend some of this hurt. In the meantime, I had Luke to deal with. I waited a moment for Jake to pass out of eyesight before addressing the man in front of me.

"Luke…" I implored him gently, laying a hand on his bicep. I felt the tense muscle ease as his eyes came back to mine, his mind flicking back to me. He gave me a slightly shamed small grin and looked troubled. "Please…tell me what's going on. I can see it, but I mean, from your perspective…what's going on between the two of you?"

Luke sighed and frowned, gathering his thoughts. "Jenna, I know I said we could let…that night we shared just be what it needs to be, but I…" He trailed off, swallowing hard and furrowing his brow even further. "I meant it, at the time, I just…" He looked at me with pleading eyes. I had never seen Luke speechless before and it moved me greatly. I found I didn't need him to say it. I knew what he meant. I knew it in my heart because I felt the same way…things had changed between us, and I loved him. I could see in his face how he loved me, too. For all our good intentions, feelings had grown between us and we were powerless to fight them. I laid a hand on Luke's cheek and smiled at him, willing his troubles away as if it were that simple and easy to do.

"I know, Luke. I know. Me too. I am so sorry for being so troublesome, I really am." I whispered to him, feeling just terrible about it all.

"No Jenna, you have nothing to be sorry for. You are nothing but enchanting, and incredible. Jake and I…" Luke sighed deeply, letting it out in a low hiss. "…we'll work it out. We're grown men. We'll handle it, whatever it comes to." Luke said it calmly, but the tone in his voice had an edge to it, just barely perceptible. I wondered how he meant that…in human terms, Jake and Luke would likely "work it out" through words and some kind of understanding. If Luke was thinking as a Na'vi, well…the result was not likely to contain a lot of words at all, and probably meant some blood letting instead. I wondered if Luke himself even knew how he meant it.

Luke and I chatted a bit longer before we bid each other goodnight, soothing over the tense moment with simpler things. I went back to my hollow for a little while to gather my thoughts before searching for Jake, away from Luke's sharp eyes. I still didn't want to spark an outright jealous fit between the two friends and I felt that heading right into Jake's arms, for all Luke knew, would probably do it, but I still needed to talk to the man. I didn't know whether I wanted to forego my feelings toward Jake for Luke, but I was determined to try and mend the friendship, at least. I missed Jake, and he was pulling away from me. Maybe he needed to, but I didn't want to let him go. There must be a good resolution, and I was determined to find it.

I slipped back out after composing myself and scouted around, finding Jake hunched over by himself near a smaller fire pit on the edge of the clearing. It was late by now and the little fire was one of only a couple still lit around the clearing. He was concentrating hard on something…ah, sharpening his knife, honing the blade and passing it through the fire to temper the new edge. It set me a little on edge, myself, as I was still rather sensitive to knives in general, and Jake could be…well, quite frankly, a little scary in a temper. I cleared my throat, steeling my nerve, and approached him.

"Kaltxi, Jake," I said several steps away from him. He looked up and saw me approaching. He glanced back at the work in hand and carefully blew on his knife blade, then sheathed it before I reached him. It was an incredibly thoughtful thing for him to have done but as I came up to him, he only gave me a tight smile and a nod. Not a good sign. I was tired of this strained friendship with him. I missed him.

"Jake, may I talk to you?" I asked, gently but directly, crouching down next to him. He sighed and looked down between his knees, but gestured with a hand for me to continue. It was all I was going to get from him, so I forged ahead.

"Jake, I've really been missing you." I said boldly. I was irritated with his behavior of late, and was determined to have him answer for it. "I miss spending time with you, and going out into the forest, to hunt…" Jake just kept staring between his knees. "I really miss being with you, ma Jake." I softened my tone, using the familiar endearing term. Jake closed his eyes and sighed again. At least he was listening.

"We've had such good times together, out in the forest. You used to teach me so much, and you seemed to enjoy it, too." I paused, remembering all the other times, too…the intimate ones, and the times when Jake would steal a hungry kiss, or simply lay a hand on my skin, letting it linger.

"I…I miss the feel of your tongue, Jake…" I said in a low voice. Jake's head dropped further toward his knees as he sighed deeply yet again. This wasn't coming out the way I had planned…I had intended to come to Jake with a plea for restoring our friendship. This…well, it was pining for intimacy with the man. But the more I said, the more I felt a desperate need for him. I couldn't curb the flow of words, of thoughts. It wasn't what I intended, but it was what I wanted to say, despite Luke, despite everything. "What happened to those times? They weren't so long ago that I've forgotten them, you know. Have you?" I implored him to respond. Eventually, he did.

"Those times are in the past, Jenna. We have to move on." His voice was heavy and yet clipped. I didn't honestly believe that he actually meant it.

"Jake…" I started off quietly. But then my frustration boiled over. "What…what the hell does that mean?" He tilted his face in my direction, perhaps glancing as high as my knees. "Jake, you should know how much I care for you. I care about you so much and I don't know if you even see it. What do you want from me, Jake? I've been trying not to entice you, I really have, because I know it complicates things, but…I…I relish every time you touch me, Jake, every single little touch…and come on, you still don't miss an opportunity to put a hand on me. Hell, just yesterday morning you had your hand on my ass!" I was getting angry and my voice was starting to grate a little louder. Jake gripped his knife and scabbard tightly.

"Let it go, Jenna," he mumbled in a low, dangerous voice. But I had had enough. I was tired of losing the friendship we had, losing everything between us, and feeling the tension as an almost constant presence.

"I will if you will," I hissed at him. Jake snarled and hurled his knife and sheath to the ground. Despite my nerve, I was scared and I jumped up. He was frightening when he was angry, and I had just pushed him over the edge. But I stood my ground. Jake stood up slowly and turned to face me, a fury in his eyes that still frightened me but fed my defiance all the same. He grabbed my wrist and hauled me across the clearing, into a rather large hollow across the way. He released me once we were inside and I realized he had taken me to his own hollow. Jake paced the ground after having flung my arm back at me. He was angry, he was agitated. Finally, he halted in his pacing and glared at me. I rubbed my wrist where he had held it so tight. It didn't hurt so much, but I smoothed away the roughness of his grip by doing so. Jake saw me doing it and shook his head, looking ashamed, but still angry. He strode up to me slowly and I backed against the wall. I wasn't honestly afraid of him hurting me, but he was a powerful man, and intimidating at the best of times. My retreat was rather involuntary. Jake just kept coming at me until the wall held me firm. He came right up in front of me, not a foot away.

"Jake, please, just tell me what's the matter. I'm trying to be a friend, at least," I entreated him. I was pleading with him, all bravado vanishing under his intense glare and close proximity. He sighed deeply, letting it out in a harsh hiss. He leaned his face close to mine and held me with his eyes.

"You are the matter," he rumbled in a low voice, no longer dangerous, but still intense. I searched his eyes, trying to discern what was wrong, why I was causing him such distress. I had been trying, I really had! "This, this is the matter. I don't want your friendship, Jenna," he kept speaking as he laid his hands low on my hips, caressing down my rear as he had the other morning… this time slowly, unhurried. I had been fighting so hard against the appeal Jake held over me, feeling it was inappropriate in my growing attraction toward Luke, but the feel of Jake's hands on me made me tremble, and the wall I had put up in my mind came tumbling down like so many bricks. "You asked me what I want…" he continued, growling now. He grabbed my wrist and pressed my palm hard against his groin. I gasped as I felt him again, his body engorged already against my hand. I gripped him gently through his cloth, almost unconsciously, reeling at the sensation of holding him in my palm. My heart was pounding in my chest and I could feel his pulse racing under my fingers. He was breathing heavily. He growled low in my ear, "I want this. You. But I will not play games anymore, Jenna." He let my hand go, but I couldn't release him. I kept my fingers curled around him as he leaned away. I moved with him, just a few inches, away from the wall. He reached a hand out to caress behind my neck, the sensation sending shivers down my spine. I heard what he was saying, but I didn't want to listen. I felt him reach for something behind my back and when he pulled his hand around the front of me again, his fingers were curled loosely around my queue, letting it run through his hands as he rubbed his knuckles down my chest, between my breasts and down my stomach. I finally realized just what he was saying.

"What I want…you can't give to me," he whispered harshly, raw emotion scraping the words from his throat. He was so sure, but I still didn't believe him.

"You don't know that…" I began, but he cut me off, backing me against the wall again.

"Jenna, I do know how you feel about me," he said forcefully, still in a low, intense voice. He breathed against my temple, his lips brushing my ear. I cringed at the overwhelming desire I felt for him, and the denial he was delivering to me. "I know…I feel it for you too…" His words were lost in breathlessness as he rubbed against me, rigid against my abdomen, pressing hard. It was through no conscious effort that I pressed back against him. I was caught up in feeling his body against mine again, the exquisite pain of feeling his tease, yet realizing it would come to nothing between us, not tonight. Not like this. Maybe not ever again, and that realization hurt. Jake seemed to lose track of what he was saying. I was completely incapable of saying anything at all. His hands wrapped around either side of my neck, holding my jaw gently as he breathed on my skin. I felt a shudder run through his body. I longed to run my hands across his torso, up and down his back, over his hips, but I dared not. It wasn't right, and I knew it. I finally felt what Jake had felt so often before, touching me. My hands stayed around his waist as he calmed himself again.

Jake leaned back away from me, swallowing hard and breathing deep. His hand came down from my neck and caressed my queue again, feeling the silky braid between his fingers. A pained expression came over his face as he said quietly, "You are not wholly dedicated to me." He looked up into my eyes, a sad but firm look buried within their depths. "Are you?" It was not a question. I let my eyes fall to his chest, knowing that he was right. I did love him, but I also had a tremendous amount of love for Luke. And I did not want to hurt Luke in any small way, but the very act was causing Jake such tremendous pain already. I did not know what to do with the mess I had created, but as the certainty of his words came crashing over me, tears came to my eyes, confirming the truth I already knew, deep inside. I couldn't be completely dedicated to him, feeling how I did toward Luke. Tsahaylu with Jake would be wrong, and it wouldn't be allowed through whatever means Eywa had sway over. It truly was not in my power to give to Jake, and it broke my heart. I was beholden to two men, and could give myself to neither, I realized that now. I was forced to face it. I knew that even if Luke felt the same as Jake did toward me, as intensely, I would end up disappointing him also. I could no more give up my love for one than the other. No, I would not blame Jake for his anger, for his emotions. I understood now. I thought for a moment that I would have regretted that day in the woods with Jake if I had thought that had been the catalyst for our feelings, but I knew it hadn't been. No, that memory could remain untainted, if bittersweet. And my engagements with Luke were just as untouchable. Had I never had those moments with them, either of them, I would still feel the same way toward each of them.

A tear rolled down my cheek. Jake knew. He knew how I felt toward Luke, and he knew how Luke felt toward me, too, probably even better than I did so that it constantly fueled his aggravation. He knew it the whole time, knew he would never have my whole heart, he knew…and yet he persisted in finding me almost everyday, for even just a few small words, a simple touch, sometimes more than that. He knew the heartache he was in for, and yet most days, he never let it show, not like this anyway. But I had seen it today, and not just in Jake. I had finally understood. And there was nothing I could do to make it any better. Jake knew that, too. He knew so damn much, but it didn't do either of us any good at all. I was heartbroken, and angry at myself.

Jake pulled away completely, backing up, his eyes fixed on mine in a sad state of despair. Another tear crested my eyelid and ran down to my chin. I stood there in the middle of his hollow, succumbing to the tears, as Jake staggered backward and sat down heavily against the far wall.

"Please. Go," I heard him mumble in a deep, wavering voice. I had never heard his voice sound so distraught. It was unnerving. I didn't want to leave, but there was nothing I could do. I had to go, to simply walk away from the man whose only fault was loving me. But still, I couldn't. I wouldn't just leave him collapsed in pain, there on the ground. I cared too much for the mighty warrior, the gentle lover. I loved him too damn much, but it still wasn't enough. I didn't care what he thought anymore; he didn't have all the answers. Knowing it would likely be our last, I walked over to him and knelt down in front of him, taking his face in my hands and kissing him deeply and passionately through my tears. He tried to resist, but only for a moment before taking my face in his hands as well and returning the kiss with a ferocity of his own. We lingered on each other's lips for a moment before I finally pulled away. I looked at him with my tear stained eyes and whispered, "I'm sorry, Jake."

I stood up again, away from Jake's hands as they stroked down my retreating arms, his eyes gazing at me as I removed myself from his presence. "I am," I whispered, and turned to go as Jake watched on. I had only taken two steps and was in the doorway when I remembered the gift I had finished for him just that afternoon. I had intended to give it to him before all of this had happened. Well, suave had never been my style anyway. I turned back around. Jake was already staring straight at the ground again, elbows on knees. I pursed my lips, feeling the strain of never getting things quite right in this crazy place. I wondered if I would ever learn how to do things properly, without screwing anything up.

I took a step back toward Jake but he didn't look up. I knelt down and laid the arm band on the ground next to him, explaining, "I finished this today. I made it for you." I saw his head turn to look at it, and as I stood up to leave again, he reached out slowly and scooped it from the ground. I turned and walked away from him, not wanting to hurt him anymore, even just by being there. I glanced back just once a few feet outside his doorway and saw him gazing at the band, stretched between his two hands. I was in misery. I didn't dare go back to my own hollow, for fear that Luke would see me in such a state. I didn't want to see him right now. He would have understood. He would probably have been nothing but caring and sympathetic, even if I let loose on him with tears and confessions, but I was unworthy of any manner of loving company. I strode into the woods and flung myself up into the canopy, scarcely seeing where I was going. I reached a high point where I could barely hear the few people below, and I nestled into the crook of a sturdy branch, hung my head, and cried.