June, 1986
"I mean, I don't really care," Lindsay said to Michael as she drove home from school, the Psychedelic Furs playing on the radio. She had just lost the school election to Sally Sitwell. "I'm just surprised that she got more votes than me."
"Sorry, Lindsay," Michael said. "I thought you would win, too."
Lindsay smiled. She liked this new Michael. A few months ago he wouldn't have tried to comfort her, but things had really changed since then. It made her feel especially guilty for not being among the two percent that had voted for him for student body president a year earlier, but he didn't know that.
"I would be fine with losing," she continued. "I just wish it wasn't to her. Those goddamn posters." Sally had won the election by putting up posters that said, 'I won't leave for two months and come back with a new nose like Lindsay did.'
"Yeah, those were over the line," Michael agreed. "But, to be fair, so were yours. I mean, 'Sally Sitwell's not even that hot?'"
Lindsay rolled her eyes. "You just think she is."
"Well…"
"Shut up," she laughed. She glanced over at him. "Hotter than me?"
Michael raised his eyebrows. "Uh…I'm not going to answer that question."
"Oh. Right," Lindsay laughed, feeling a little embarrassed. "Anyway…"
"Yeah," Michael said, laughing uncomfortably.
"I don't know why you like her so much," Lindsay continued, trying to gloss over the awkwardness. "I just can't stand her. Fat bitch."
"Whoa."
"Sorry. I just…really don't like her."
"Yeah, I can tell," he laughed. He hesitated. "She's not fat, Lindsay."
"I get it, you like her," she groaned.
"No, that's not what I meant." He sounded embarrassed. "It's just that, I'm worried that you think all these people are fat that aren't."
"Oh," she said.
"I've been meaning to talk to you about that, actually," he said quickly. "I've noticed that you've lost a lot of weight lately, and I'm kind of worried about you."
"What?" Lindsay said, laughing forcedly as her heart beat faster. "There's no reason to worry about me."
"It's just, you've been eating almost nothing, and you've been swimming all the time—"
"I'm on a diet," she said, trying to keep her tone light. "It's not a big deal."
"But you really don't need a diet, you're already so thin."
"Thank you."
"No, I mean, you're too thin. It's not healthy."
"Try telling that to Mom," she laughed.
"Don't listen to her," he said seriously. "I don't know what her problem is, but none of what she says is true, not even close."
"Thanks," she said. She loved it when he said things like this. "But you don't need to worry about me, really."
"It would be totally understandable, with all the horrible things she says to you—"
"Michael, I'm fine," she interrupted. "Seriously. Just please drop it."
Michael hesitated. "Okay," he sighed. There was a long silence. "It's just, I care about you, Linds."
Lindsay smiled, trying to hide the emotion that suddenly engulfed her. "I know," she said. "But you're just imagining that there's this problem when there isn't, really."
"Okay," he said, though he didn't sound entirely convinced.
She breathed a quiet sigh of relief. She wished she'd been more discreet about her dieting. But part of her was glad that he'd noticed. She loved it when he worried about her. It made her feel loved, and she was feeling very unloved at the moment. No one else in her family had noticed her sudden weight loss. She had hoped that her mother would see what she'd done to her and feel guilty, but she actually continued to make nasty comments about her weight, completely oblivious to the effort Lindsay was putting in to lose it. She'd thought that at least her father would notice. He'd never been very involved in any of his children's lives, but he'd always seemed to like her the best. But he hadn't noticed, either.
Not that she was doing this for attention. She tried not to let her mother's criticisms bother her, but it was hard not to when she agreed with her. She knew she wasn't overweight, but she wasn't as thin as she would like to be, either. She couldn't stop looking at her thighs in the mirror and wishing they were as thin as some of the girls' at school, including Andrew's new girlfriend. She'd tried dieting in the past but she'd never been able to stick with it for more than a few weeks. That was another thing that had been weighing on her. Her inability to stick with anything had always bothered Michael more than it bothered her, but now it was finally sinking in that she should be starting her senior year of high school in September. Instead she would have to watch her twin brother go off to college in a year while she would be still be stuck at home, all because she'd been too lazy to go to summer school after she failed ninth grade. As she berated herself for this she'd realized she couldn't think of a single thing she'd accomplished that she'd been proud of.
But this would be different. She was done hating her body, not when she could do something about it. She knew there was something perverse about making this her one accomplishment, but for some reason she liked that idea. She soon found that she liked dieting now that she was so determined. It was exciting to see her weight steadily fall, though she always wished it would fall faster. She knew that what she was doing was unhealthy. She often felt tired and light-headed, and she'd even passed out once. Luckily she'd been alone in her room at the time so no one knew. But it actually made her feel better. She liked the idea that she was going to extremes to fix this problem that had tortured her for years, and she felt a savage pleasure as she wallowed in self-pity, telling herself that her own mother had driven her to an eating disorder. And eventually her mother would have to notice and then she would feel guilty.
She had to convince Michael to leave this alone. As much as she loved it when he worried about her, she couldn't have him trying to stop her, not when she finally felt like she had some control over her life.