Hey guys! So I bought City Of Heavenly Fire the day after it came out but my sister took it to New York with her to get it signed by Cassandra Clare so I haven't read it yet. And nobody is going to spoil it for me. I haven't even read COLS yet actually, though I know everything that happens in it which is how I wrote a one-shot about it. I'll read COLS this weekend so I can read COHF when my sister gets back. Now I repeat, NOBODY is going to spoil it for me. No one.

Anyways, my chapters are all going to be longer from now on I think, after the last few really long ones. I'm guessing like 2k is going to be the new standard rather than 1k.

I cried writing Isabelle's part of this, like actually cried. I've never done that before. I don't even know why but it just really got to me and I was awkwardly explaining to my mom when she walked in on me that I was perfectly fine and just a very emotional writer. I'm weird.

Enjoy this chapter and don't forget to follow, favourite and review!

January 8th

Isabelle has always loved her brothers, each in their own special way. Max, she'd loved protectively, motherly-like, for his innocent childishness and inability to not speak his mind. He'd always been so very different from everyone else in the Lightwood family and she can admit that sometimes she'd found herself jealous of that. Where all of them but Alec were selfish and shallow, dancing around to keep up appearances, Max was selfless and so full of heart she sometimes wonders how he lasted as long as he did.

Jace, Isabelle loves in a competitive, sisterly kind of way for his charisma and confidence. Of all the Lightwoods, they're the most alike. They're the same age, with the same friends and the same ideals. They both care too much about what others think, the way they're perceived, and they both tend to make the same mistakes. She loves him for their similarities, loves him because she is never alone so long as she has him for a brother. She loves him because he's a mirror for her to look into and take notice of her flaws, though she never knows how to fix them.

Alec, she loves as a little sister always loves their older brother. When she was little, she'd look up to him and wish she could be everything he was because at the time she hadn't been able to see the flaws in him. Maybe that's what the distance between them was caused by; her seeing him as perfect and him not having the heart to prove her wrong. Now that she's older, she knows perfection is nothing but a fantasy and that her brother is far from it. She can see there's something wrong with him now, something that's not just a normal flaw, but it doesn't change her love for him. She will always look up to him, no matter how much of himself he forgets. She'll always be there to try to remind him.

She loves Alec still because, like Max, he doesn't care about what others think. He hides the dark, twisted parts of himself, sure, but she knows that's because he doesn't want them to worry in the way they always do. She can't say he's selfless though, because while he might put everyone's happiness before his own she considers his efforts to remove himself from the picture as the most selfish thing anyone could ever do. Doesn't he understand he'll only hurt them more with that? She loves him for that too though, for how much he loves no matter if it's unreasonable or uncalled for. She loves her precious, broken older brother because he loves her unconditionally in a way no one else ever has.

She loves him because he knows the real her, behind all the makeup and short skirts and parties and boys. She loves him because she can love when she's around him; she doesn't have to hide the part of her that feels.

It's her love for him that ends up pushing him away though, because while he might love her just as strongly, probably even more, he can't let her in like she wants. Maybe she was too desperate about it, maybe she banged on his doors too hard and yelled too loud and maybe she just stayed there banging away for too long. Maybe that's what scared him, the fact that she wasn't going to just give up and walk away like everybody else, because he realized the doors wouldn't hold forever. That's why he reached through the crack and shoved her away from them before throwing up another set right in front of where she'd fallen onto the hard ground at their feet.

It's this rift between them, one she can't stitch, that keeps her from asking about the changes she sees in her brother. It's evident that something's different there but she has no idea what it is other than that it probably involves Magnus. And it doesn't matter how desperately she wants to know, she can't ask. They're not as close as they used to be, no matter how much she wishes they were.

It's because Isabelle knows she can't bridge the gap between them that she clings to the idea of Magnus. He's her last, final hope to help her brother before she gives up because this is a battle she can't win on her own and she's tired of losing the fights. There's something about Magnus, something different, that makes her believe he can do what she's been trying and failing to for years now. She gets the feeling he cares for Alec just as much as she does too so, if nothing else, she can cling to that.

And yet it is still so, so hard to know she'll never be able to reach her big brother.

In the far corner of the room there is a pile of broken glass reflecting in the sunlight creeping through the closed blinds. It's the only light in the darkness of his room and it dances across the walls in eerie patterns his eyes dart to follow. For a brief moment his breath hitches as he eyes the shifting shadow before his dresser warily. He sucks in a breath and thinks of his safe haven, willing himself to calm down.

It's all in your head, Alec.

In the other corner of the room there is an old guitar stand holding a glimmering black electric guitar. Beside that, there is a music stand so full of books and papers that they hang off every edge of it. On the wall it's all closest to there are over a dozen other guitars, all showing dark shades with different designs scrawled across them. This he takes comfort in, having it all right there within reach.

That's real, Alec. Everything else isn't.

He tries to even his breathing out even more, tries to convince himself of reality with every ounce of his being but there's still too much doubt. How can he know the difference? Is there one? Maybe it's all real. Maybe none of it is.

Stop it, this isn't helping.

He stands from the bed and moves towards the dresser, grabbing his beaten, old phone off the top. He tries not to let his eyes linger on the knife sitting beside it. Punching in the number as quickly as he can, he presses the green phone icon on the screen and holds it up to his ear. He's panicking still, combing every inch of the room over and over again in case something changes.

Come on, stop. You know he'll pick up.

There's a crackling noise through the phone and Alec forgets how to breathe again before the sound of groggy moaning and annoyed huffs echoes down the line and he remembers. There's a vaguely pissed off sounding snap of a greeting and Alec hesitates. Maybe he shouldn't have called.

Oh please, you've done this a thousand times before. You'd know he'd be more angry if you didn't call.

"Hey, Magnus?" He doesn't intend for it to come off sounding like so much of a question, it was meant to be a statement. He can hear an intake of breath and a whole lot of shuffling before he gets a reply.

It's fine, he's probably just surprised you called so early.

"Hello, Alec! May I ask the reason for your calling?" Magnus says and Alec can hear the thinly veiled worry in his tone. It's a familiar sound, one he hears every time he calls so nearly every night. It's one he hears every time they meet on a lone bench in an empty park after the moon's chased the sun away. It's one he hates.

Is it really such a bad thing?

"Does there have to be a reason? I'm hurt, Magnus, that you think I would only call if I wanted something," he replies, succeeding in coming off as teasing and light-hearted which is about the complete opposite of how he actually feels. His heartbeat's getting slower though the longer he stays on the phone so he's hoping that will change soon. Magnus has always been good at doing that.

And yet you won't admit the reason why, will you?

"Actually I was thinking you had better have a good reason for waking me up before nine on a weekend, but whatever you want, dear. Just remember you said it, not me." A laugh bubbles up in his chest and he forces it down to a snort because he hasn't laughed in so long and he's not sure it won't come out sounding completely wrong. He's afraid of something else too, but he doesn't want to think about that. He might have let Magnus slip through the first set of doors into his world but he won't let him breach the second.

Would it really be so bad?

"Um, Magnus, do,um, do you— Nevermind." It's not why he'd called, he'd just needed to hear his voice to calm himself down. He doesn't know why he's suddenly desperate to say it, but he finds himself tripping over the words to ask the question he's so terrified of getting an answer to. The one on the tip of his tongue wasn't even the right one but he knows the answer would be the same. Still, no matter how much he wants to he can't find the words to ask.

Why are you always so afraid?

"Do I what? Alec, you know you can say anything to me," Magnus says, sounding curious and concerned at the same time with that ever-present sincerity creeping in underneath. Alec glances down at his dresser, suddenly aware he's no longer afraid of the shadows dancing in his room, and tries to gather his thoughts into one simple sentence that will be easy for Magnus to understand. He can't come up with one that's perfect.

It doesn't need to be, he'll understand.

"Do you want to go out?" It comes out too rushed, a jumble of words he's terrified to say. He hears a gasp on the other end of the phone and while it sounds like the good kind, he still immediately regrets the question. Alec is a broken, fucked-up mess. Why would Magnus want to be with him? He doesn't, he can't.

He kissed you back, remember? Stop doubting yourself.

"Like, on a date?" comes the slow, careful response and while it eliminates his fear of being misunderstood, it does nothing to quell his worry of having said something he shouldn't have. Magnus is perfect and Alec is Alec so how could he possibly feel the same?

Stop doubting yourself.

"Maybe?" he tries, voice too quiet and the silence too loud. He tries to remind himself that this is okay, that nothing bad's going to happen.

It's not.

There's a relieved sounding breath before "Then yes, yeah. Definitely," comes down the line and this time Alec doesn't even bother trying to stamp down the laugh now because this is real. That's something he's sure of.

This time it's not just in your head.

Isabelle notices that something else has changed in Alec, more so than anything in the past month and it leaves her breathless. She can see something good happened, better than whatever it was a month ago that started these tiny, to anyone else, but drastic, to them, changes. There's something lighter in him all of a sudden, like finally he might be peeking through the cracks in his doors to see the world outside his own and she hopes against hope that soon he'll step out to explore it.

She knows Magnus is the cause of the tiptoes of progress she'd been seeing as well as this sudden giant leap and it gives her mixed feelings. It makes her relieved because her brother might be finally getting better instead of worse and it makes her happy because she wants so badly for him to not be alone any longer. However, there's an underlying bitter tang of sadness to it all because she isn't the one being let in. He's chosen someone he just met a year ago over his sister and it hurts almost as bad as watching her brother fall apart and not being able to hold him together.

It makes her want to cry, though she has no right to.

Oh my God, no Magnus part. That's a first. Review, people! They increase the likely hood of faster updates :)