Dagger Day
Chapter 10
Fear is a hundred eyes monster
oooooooooooooooooo -Notes- oooooooooooooooooo
I am sorry that I didn't receive any news, good or bad, from you readers...
I hope the absence of reviews doesn't mean that I finally deterred everyone from reading this story.
I'll still post for that someone that does read and chose to remain silent.
The memory at the beginning takes place after S03E09 -"Save Henry"- when Regina almost gave Henry up after learning who his birth mother might be. It starts just after she took the potion to forget her worries and her fears.
Previously:
And suddenly a memory came out from the starting of times, a memory of a story that had terrified the little child she once was. The tale of the Hundred Eyed King. Arawn, the Prince of Darkness. He who had devoured his own parents hearts. Arawn the Reaper of Light.
A scream of terror escaped her lips as she stumbled backwards. She was facing the master of fear itself.
oooooooooooooooooo -Chapter 10- oooooooooooooooooo
Fear is a hundred eyes monster
Storybrook, 10th September 2001,
The sun slowly drills a nest to spend the night in the mountains when she closes the door of her silent house behind them. She doesn't care for the beauty of the incendiary sky though. Regina looks at the small boy fidgeting in his car seat, catching thin air. She only has eyes for him. Tossing her stilettos in the hall she smiles at him and he seems to smile back. He does this cute thing babies do, sucking his own lips and tongue. Either he is hungry, or gonna be soon, or he wants his pacifier.
She takes him out the carriage bassinet and steps in the garden. She sits in the grass, bare feet, and lay the boy on his back in front of her. It's the very first time together in their garden. Just the two of them and the end of summer. And now she knows, whatever happens, she'll be there for whatever first time he'll have.
Its only then that she notices the sunset. Red. Glorious. A fire of joy, she thinks, because everything will be alright. Suddenly life took another turn. Suddenly life begun.
She knows it now. She blames herself for even doubting herself one second.
"I'm sorry I almost let you go, Henry. You don't deserve that. I promise I will not abandon you ever again, I wish I never did, not even one second …" she whispers to her son, taking in the feeling of the thought. Her son.
She's responsible for his life and it doesn't frightens her anymore, it makes her feel free now. She is finely free. No hate, no anger, no pain. It all went away, replaced by this new kind of joy she decides to call love. She doesn't feel the need to understand it anymore. It just is.
The baby mumbles and his pacifier pops out his mouth in the grass. A late butterfly fly over them and lands on a dandelion next his face. The insect caught his gaze and he turns to watch, his tiny fingers clenched into fists.
She breathes the smell of night to come. Evening is one of her favorite time of the day. The earth breathes out humidity, finally releasing the dark smell of grass and rotting leaves. Bitter sweet smell. There's nothing like the smells you find when the sun and the moon meet in the sky. The closing flowers, to which the day belong, yawn their sweet smell and the trees, rulers of the night, giggle their strong smell of sap and wood. It is melting all together. The humidity and coldness of the night is responsible for such a festival, she knows.
"I'll teach you the flowers Henry. I'll teach you everything …"
The baby is tired. He starts to squirm more, his face agitated by frowns and sad pouts. She can read it now, predict when he's going to cry.
"What do you say to a little bottle of milk, my prince?" she asks, standing back up with him safely tucked in her arms.
They disappear inside her darkened kitchen as the dark blue takes over the last pieces of sky the light was holding onto. The pacifier is waiting in vain to be picked up.
The first star lights in the sky. A tiny white dot. And the moon yawns until she reaches half. Its a quarter moon then. Like a blink of good luck.
The lights erupt and come lick the grass and the garden porch as the rest of the garden slowly falls into night, as slumber takes over the roses and daisies. From there one could hear Regina humming happily as she prepares the feeding-bottle. The distant voices coming out a radio ring out, soon replaced by light music covered by Regina's words to her son. She's telling him stories and anyone standing in the garden could hear them almost clearly from the open window in the kitchen and the garden door that she left hanging.
And someone does hear.
Two red lights stand in the dark between the trees, at the bottom of the garden. After their sight would settle one could easily note that the two red circles belong to a sitting white wolf fixing the house.
The wolf stays a long time there, even when the ground floor turns dark. Even when the house fall silent. The last light having disappeared upstairs.
In fact, it is not before the last star starts coughing out of exhaustion and the sky starts turning red again that the wolf gets up and leaves. Not glancing once behind her as the early morning calls her off her duty. Going away unnoticed, as silent as she came. Just like any other night of the past 18 years.
oooooooooooooooooo
Finally coming back to her senses Regina stopped screaming and called upon all the magic she possessed, even if this time wasn't supposed to have magic she knew she had to try. She had to believe, otherwise the monster would feed out her fears and devour her heart. She called with all her want, all her need, all her being. And it came. She could feel it crawling under her skin, bubbling inside her belly, she didn't wait and directed electric waves at the beast. It merely hit him and the wicked smile on its monstrous face grew wider.
"You can't escape fear, little girl!" growled the beast.
The truth started to sink in her mind and do its scary job.
Because it was true. No one can escape from fear. So she looked at his terrifying appearance convinced to be living her last moments when suddenly her fear faded away. His erection, the eyes covering his body, the matter of his skin, everything about was meant to strike fear. To frighten her.
It was all her fear standing there. Hers. And that was good.
Fighting the urge to run away she called upon the only valuable lesson she had ever received from her mother … courage.
Courage was the only weapon anyone needed against fear because you can't run from fear. You can't hide from fear, it only makes it stronger. There is nowhere to go that fear doesn't know. Fear is everywhere. One can't eradicate fear no more than death is able to breathe. But being everywhere, in everyone, fear could be controlled. It could be defeated, rendered tiny and laughable. One could face fear. And win.
"I'm afraid of the dark!" she yelled, her weak voice trembling.
The beast took a step forward, still smiling.
"I'm afraid of losing everyone again!" she continued, feeling her resolve grow stronger. The magic buzzing in her being.
"I'm afraid of loosing my son! I'm terrified of not being able to control my anger some day and kill someone! I'm worried about losing Emma! I am terrified of losing her …" her confession ended in almost a whisper.
"Regina!" suddenly bolted the voice of the object of her thoughts.
Emma appeared behind the monster who took another step and lifted a claw. Regina felt his grasp from the distance. He squeezed and she could feel her throat clench. Emma was stopped in her tracks, she seemed to hesitate between intervening and staying there. She looked lost and terrified.
Regina closed her eyes.
"I'm terrified by myself!" she yelled with difficulty, still strong in her resolution to fight the beast through admitting and facing her worst fears "I fear what I've become! what I did! What I can do!" she kept yelling, the grasp of the creature loosening even so slightly.
It caused it to growl out of anger, and forced it to put both arms to the task of chocking her. "I am terrified that I don't regret! I am glad I killed him! I wish I did it myself! Everyday I regret not ripping his heart out of his chest," she growled in a rush.
A dark purple cloud traversed by bolts of blue lightning erupted from her, surrounded her. It started to roll as a big and heavy wave towards the beast. She was doing something good.
"I am terrified of losing everyone because I don't weary! Because I wallow in the thought I am the cause of his death. I am terrified to know that I am happy knowing he is dead and cannot touch me anymore!" she growls, pushing the growling angry beast to its knees.
"I'm terrified they will see that! I fear they'll read it in my eyes that I don't repent!"
He flapped his black wings, coughing, struggling inside the cloud of angry magic that was bursting out every fiber of her being.
"But I am more terrified that he finds a way! I am terrified he could come back! Every fucking night I lay terrified he could come back and lay his hands on me again! Every night I am scared to shut the lights out and have his voice, his body next to mine, alive and heavy!"
Regina didn't realized the beast was starting to fly up, getting rid of the cloud as if it was dough. She didn't even see that Emma was now running towards her from a hundred meters away. Yelling her name.
Regina had fallen to her knees and didn't feel it. Her entire body was aching.
Some voices came in the distance, Emma recognized her father strong voice, yelling her name. But Emma was running towards Regina who was now saying more than she was yelling, slowly releasing her grasp over the creature who tried desperately to fly away. Now it was a twenty something meters up in the sky and going further and further with more ease.
"Every night I am scared of being raped again …" finally admitted Regina in a whisper, passing out in strong arms, exhausted, washed out.
The terrifying growl rang loud and strong, wild, in the night sky as the beast flew away. More angry than ever.
oooooooooooooooooo
Regina heard Emma's sweet voice calling her name long before she came to admit she had to open her eyes eventually. She took a few seconds to compose her thoughts whilst she let her mind swell in the warmth of the embrace. Her head was resting on what she suspected was Emma's lap. The woman had a hand on her cheek and was petting it nicely while calling her, urging her to wake up.
She heard that a worried Snow and Charming gang was there too. She could feel the presence of a group of people near her.
She had to open her eyes. And she had to find her son. The fact that she knew Emma couldn't have miss the last bit of her confession had to wait for further consideration. She let out a bored breath and her eyes flung open.
"Emma …" she weakly said while squirming away from her to stand back up on shaky legs.
"Are you okay?" asked the blonde to which she nodded.
"What was that?" asked Granny. "What happened to us?!" she continued.
"Again." Emphasized her gran-daughter.
Regina sighted. "There's no time just now, everyone … Just … just follow me to my house," she ordered before turning towards Emma "We have to find Henry, I … I hope he listened to me."
Emma nodded.
The small group started moving towards the mayor's mansion without any argument whilst other growls rang in the far.
"Does he remembers?" asked Emma.
"Yes, everything, even the loops … since last night … I mean since tonight? Fuck! I can't keep track!" angrily scowled Regina, forgetting her better education to fall into bad 21st century talking.
Emma patted her arm. "It's gonna be fine, Regina. We'll be alright."
"How can you be so sure?" almost whispered Regina wearily.
"Cause we got a great name for our operation!" Joked Emma in reply, causing a shy giggle in the other woman that startled everyone in their back, except maybe Snow who could remember the sound of it from distant memories. She frowned but a silent smile grew inside her heart.
The two women had fall into step with one another pretty easily, leding the way. Their talk looked familiar, easy. Snow and her husband caught a gaze from each other in a silent exchange.
Regina had leaned into Emma's protective and comforting hand patting her back, and the parents didn't miss it.
They reached the silent house and everyone entered, they all stood in the hall, not knowing where to go and what to do as Emma had easily followed Regina to her study.
Both women came back out of it and Emma talked.
"So, Henry's fled to Regina's vault through a secret passage … We're gonna get him back, can you like … hem …"
"Try not to destroy my house while getting comfortable?" finished Regina. She turned to Snow and her husband. "Can we trust you to get the place ready to hold a siege?"
"Sure! We know how to do that, in case you forgot we got real good at it, fighting you!" answered Granny in Snow's place.
Regina threw a scornful look at her.
"That's actually what worries me …" She growled. "The thought of you believing so much in yourselves …"
Emma suppressed a smile and grabbed Regina's arm before any more damage could be done.
"We need to go. Try and find everyone …" she asked her father leading Regina to the study.
Arrived to the door Regina turned away and looked at Snow, locking their eyes together.
"Whatever you do, hear or face … Do not push fear away. Don't try to fight it. Admit to it. Out loud if you must," she advised.
oooooooooooooooooo
They walked in silence into the sombre tunnel. Emma behind Regina. It wasn't large enough to walk next to one another. The top of their heads were brushing against the ceiling. Emma was worried by spiders when she thought about what Regina had said.
"I'm afraid of spiders," she admitted out loud. "They terrify me. But I can't kill them. I won't. It scares me that their tiny souls will come back haunting me …"
Regina smiled at the last part and found she felt more comfortable knowing Emma couldn't see her reactions if they were to talk about what Emma had overheard. And she knew Emma, she knew it had to happen eventually. So why not here?
"I am afraid of zombies …" Emma continued her confession.
"So … afraid of little zombie-spiders, Savior?" mocked Regina, cutting her.
"Hey! You said not to fight it! I'm afraid right now! So … Wording it." pouted Emma.
Regina giggled and silence fell between them again.
"It's your tunnel …" fake reproached Emma. "Why did it have to be creepy, anyway?! You're kind of girly usually … but this …"
Regina giggled again. "Girly?"
Emma was glad the other woman couldn't see her blush. "Well … You know! I mean look at you … and your house and your office! Man, your office! Even the wall-paper is made of flowers!"
"Black and white trees actually." corrected Regina.
Emma stick out her tongue at her back and realized right away the double futility of the motion.
Regina was talking again, unaware of her grimace. "And to be honest I didn't really plan on using this tunnel, at all. Ever. That's the whole point of a hidden secret back-up tunnel, Emma. It's never used except in case of absolute emergency … I never used it before."
"Really?!" asked Emma, more to add something than anything else since she had realized that even when the town people had want her dead Regina had not fled. Not that she knew of. She couldn't think of what it meant, in general or to her, not right now anyway. Instead she concentrated on the thought that after magic was back Regina didn't even need the tunnel anymore. "I guess it makes sense." She provided to keep talking.
"I know you heard everything," suddenly said Regina falling back to serious matters as she took a turn to the right after an intersection.
Emma gave an anxious glance to the darkened tunnel they didn't follow. She caressed the little earthenware plaque indicating "cemetery" with her fingertip as she passed it. She had noticed the other tunnel had a similar sign marked "town hill".
"How many tunnels are there?" she chose to ask, thus delaying the talk about what she had heard from Regina's confession.
"Emma …" scowled Regina "Do you really want to talk about the town hideouts?"
Emma smiled.
"Sorry … it's just … It's kinda hard to find anything to say to the fact my grand-father raped you …" she admitted honestly.
Regina sighted and gulped. It was going to be harder than she thought. The fact Emma had guessed who she was talking about wasn't surprising, but hearing the truth being word out roughly like this was hard. Rape. She had never used the word out loud before this day. And Emma was saying it like it was nothing. Like any other word. She suddenly felt nauseous. It was there again. The shame. Luring like a slimy fish inside her.
"I never felt comfortable with the fact no one seemed to find questionable that he even married you in the first place …" Emma's low voice cut through her thoughts. "I mean, I didn't say anything to my mother because…" Emma looked at her feet while walking even though Regina still couldn't see her.
"Well, I guess I thought it wasn't important, I'm sorry." She finally breathed out wearily, genuinely sorry. "And to you … why I never talked to you about it … well!" she exclaimed with a big breath emphasizing the last word. "You've never been easy to talk to!" she admitted. "No, it's not true actually …" she changed her mind.
She was talking fast, feeling the need to fill Regina's absence of response with words.
Regina abruptly turned on her heels, causing Emma to bump into her.
"That …" Regina frowned and Emma waited for her to find her words.
Emma had talked a lot but nothing was close to what Regina had expected.
"What do you mean you never felt comfortable with him wedding me and no one noticing?" she settled on asking searching for the other woman eyes. Lost.
Emma startled.
"Well … I meant what it means … I wasn't comfortable with that and I wasn't even sure he touched you, I just assumed … I guess I wanted to believe …" she stumbled on her words. "You know… Fairytale and all … and Mary-Margaret always talks about him like such a great guy and I … just assumed. I just assumed he wouldn't touch a way too young woman that didn't even agree to marry him."
"I did." defended Regina with a complex expression.
Emma frowned. Was it guilt? Alongside the much predictable anger and the weary, was it guilt she could see in the woman's eyes?
"Regina …" she strongly warned, catching one of her hands and her eyes. "Are you feeling guilty that he did this to you because he had a right to?" she asked already knowing the answer.
She found only anger in the flashing eyes of the woman she loved so deeply. Anger, yes. But a kind of anger she knew, a special kind of anger. Anger born out of shame.
"Regina … no matter what you think, no one has ever had a right on forcing anyone to do anything … married or not. Hell! Even in love or not!" angrily said the blonde. "Don't you ever blame yourself! no matter what you said or did, from the moment you didn't want it anymore, it's wrong … and it's not your fault."
Regina swallowed a sob and closed her eyes. She wished to be elsewhere. Anywhere. Now Emma would never see her the same. She was spoiled. She heard Emma's comforting words but somehow it resonated wrong in her head. She only heard pity.
She shook her head with a disgusted pout she thought Emma would miss and tried to turn away. Emma firmly held her back. Effectively stopping her.
"Regina …" she whispered "It's not pity," she said, knowing Regina would feel that way. "You'd be surprised how many women went through it, and how different every rape is. How many kind of rape there is …"
Regina looked at her, terror obvious in her eyes.
Emma smiled kindly and crushed a tear on Regina's cheek with her thumb.
"I know because I worked with a lot of them after getting out of prison …" Explained Emma. "My first cell mate was convicted for killing her father after he'd rape her little sister the same way he'd rape her," she confessed. "She felt entitled to her reaction and I oddly still believe she was … in a way. But she still felt guilty. About a lot of things. But mostly it was about letting him do that to her. Being spoiled, rotten, not having say no loud enough … not having say no at all sometimes …" Her low voice entered Regina's broken heart slowly, steadying her, grounding her. "I heard a lot of different stories after that one Regina, but all these people they all had that shame in common … it's normal to feel it, Regina. But it's not right to convince yourself it's true."
Her words echoed in the empty tunnel as if it was a final sentence. They stayed a while there, standing in front of one another before Regina swallowed yet another time and smiled softly.
"Thank you …" she whispered, leaning to leave a very shy kiss at the corner of Emma's lips before walking away.
Emma knew she was still fighting to admit it, and hear everything she'd said, but the seed was planted.
They didn't talk anymore the rest of the way to the vault.
"Henry?" called Regina once they passed the hidden door leading directly inside the hidden chamber behind the mirror.
The boy burst out of his hideout and grabbed his mother before he noticed the other one.
"Mom!" he changed from one hug to the other. His voice was shaky. His face covered in tears. "I was so scared …" he said looking up to Regina who smiled at him to comfort him.
"We're fine kid. And everyone seems to remember," informed Emma.
"Really?!"
"Yeah …" she said slowly, frowning at the sight of Regina who had started busying herself and grabbing things around.
"Well, I remembered as soon as I woke up, unlike before. I got in my car right away and drove there but I found the town under attack and then I ran into my parents who recognized me right away. They said they saw a bright light flash from your house and that's when they remembered. Well actually that's what Ruby said …" she continued.
"Ruby?" Henry asked Emma while looking at his other mother agitation.
"Yeah, I think she was closing the diner or something … then there was another light and they all heard the … what is it exactly by the way?" Emma turned to Regina.
"He has many names … and there's many stories about him," answered Regina from afar, still rummaging around in her stuff, throwing things into a big wooden-chest from time to time. "The most famous probably being the tale of the Hundred Eyed King," she continued obviously, fortunately not able to see the scornful look Emma and her son shared in response.
"Regina! What ever are you doing?! We gotta go!" Emma lost her nerves.
Regina threw a bored look at her.
"Magic?" She said, gesturing the whole place. "You do remember that half the town are waiting for us to protect them back at my house, Emma?! How do you expect me to do that? With an army of dwarfs armed with silver spoons?! It's a house, a house where a child is living and, need I remind you, a house that is supposedly free of magic since it is not supposed to exist. Yet."
"She's got a point." pouted Henry walking to his mother. "What can I do?"
"Stay away from everything sharp!" bit Emma with a mocking smile. "C'mon, start walking towards the tunnel and wait for us," she ordered, deadly serious as he painfully understood when she pushed him in the right direction.
"So … What can I do?" asked Emma.
Regina lifted shinning eyes on her, biting the inside of her cheek. Emma knew she was fighting the urge to throw back at her the same line she had given their son seconds before.
"Don't even think about saying it!" she warned with a matching wide smile.
They both giggled and Emma started throwing things she deemed useful in the chest.
The walk back felt much shorter and definitely happier. More tiring though as they divided their efforts between carrying the chest and levitating it, which, Emma agreed Regina was right about, asked for a lot of magic and concentration.
Henry happily talked and asked questions all the way. His small childish voice echoing through the tunnels.
"We could live in the tunnels! if …" he suddenly said, stars in his eyes.
"No!" screamed both mothers in the same tone.
They shared a smile Henry didn't witness, too busy being vexed in his post-apocalyptic plans and wishes of living like a hobbit or a Gryffindor student or … whatever, really, as long as it involved camping in a creepy place with a deadly threat over his head.
The three of them walked in on an argument involving a lot of arm motions and angry whispers, or muffled shouts of sorts, which is always ridiculous. Snow turned her head and ran towards Henry. The others barely noticed they were back.
The subject of the muffled shouts, or whispered anger was the dark one.
Charming and Grumpy wanted to call him, Granny was firmly against it, threatening around, and Dr Hopper was playing mediator with very little success.
"Hey! Guys!" yelled Emma. "What's happening to you?"
"We can't trust him, Emma …" argued Granny.
"Yeah, at least we have to think about it …" her gran-daughter qualified her statement.
They continued arguing while Regina brought the chest in the hall. She looked at them and rolled her eyes, smoothed her dress and cleared her throat. Only Charming noticed it.
"Rumplestilskin," voiced out the former queen very calmly and with proper intent.
Silence fell over the others, she threw a scornful look at Granny whose jaw was still hanging open, in awe.
The man appeared in a cloud of magic, Belle at his arm.
"Belle!" yelled Ruby and Grumpy.
"Why would you do that, your majesty!?" growled the granny.
Regina didn't even bother to look at her, she and Rumple shared a look and they nodded to one another. He stepped towards the chest and held up his hands in front of him, Regina held her palms against his and a bright pink light burst out. It flew towards the ceiling and soon enough it was wrapping the house.
Once it was done Regina turned to Granny.
"Make yourself useful old woman, make a list of everyone we could send in a rescue mission. Like … well, I don't know and I don't care, but you surely do about some people to rescue," she dismissed waving a hand directed at her study, thus inviting Granny to take it as her Headquarters.
Emma smiled, the pang in her ear came as a warning from her super-power, she knew Regina was lying, about not caring, most probably. Granny mumbled but didn't argue. Regina turned to her son who came to her and grabbed her by the waist. He wouldn't admit it but not only was he looking younger, some of his old feeling were there. He was genuinely as scared as a ten years old.
"I'm scared mom," he admitted very shyly.
Emma caught Regina's shoulder and patted her son's cheek.
"It's gonna be okay, kid," she said.
"So … What was that thing, really?" Ruby asked the question in everyone's head.
"Yeah!" grumbled Grumpy, "seriously, this was the scariest thing I've ever faced!" he yelled.
All dwarfs agreed by nodding, causing Regina to roll her eyes. She was still itchy.
"Well, that, deary, was fear itself …" answered Gold coldly.
"What do you mean?!" cried Snow.
"He means we will tell the story in due time," cut Regina, "when we made sure the house is safe and when we give everyone something to eat and a spot to sleep. Henry, we're going to my room, no arguing," she ordered, a warning in her dark eyes.
"Yeah, sure," smiled the boy who had no intention of disobeying anyway.
"Hem! Regina…" started Emma.
"Oh, miss Swan, I believe it is actually better if we take turn to watch over Henry, I'm confident you'll see no objection to that?"
"Seriously, guys! You know that I'm really 15! Right?!" weakly complained Henry.
"Well… you certainly don't look like it!" joked Emma grabbing his tiny shoulder.
He rolled his eyes.
"Maybe we could tuck him in together and decide whom should take the first watch?" she proposed to Regina who accepted her offer with a smile.
"I trust you, Snow, to find everyone a place to settle without destroying all my belongings?" coyly let out the former queen already climbing up the stairs. "We do have three guests rooms and you should take Henry's room …" she offered.
"First door on the left," the boy happily supplied his grand-parents, following his mothers.
oooooooooooooooooo -to be continued- oooooooooooooooooo
I wanted to further explore the past from Regina's point of view, so I did.
Hope you'll forgive me since it is now definitely off tracks from the point of origin … I don't think I'll be able to go back to the Groundhog theme.
Or maybe.
I enjoy May bees, they make honey out of wild flowers and its my favourite.
Anyway, I don't know when I'll be back I'm due for an operation Monday, 20th. After there'll be a lot of recovering and all that stuff and I won't be able to move my shoulder before long I guess.
Happy summer then.