— Grissom Wade —

Give it long enough, and any place can become homey - or at least, something kinda like homey. Hewlett Hall at Wainsfield University, bunk 16B at the academy barracks, even the fold-down cot on my counter-terrorism division shuttle… all got at least a bit of that 'I'm home now' special sauce after a while. It was inevitable that the Nexus would get some of that, too, and after almost 6 months, it finally did. Mostly. I hated the confined spaces of a 2-mile-long floating building, but I loved the missions. Apex sent us all over the place - we spent days at a time on Voeld, and the overgrown jungles of the Angaran homeworld, Havarl. I even got deployed to one of the killer robot-infested ancient ruins on Elaaden… but never Eos. That was probably for the best. As rough and untamed as it was, Eos still had a "home" flavor in my mind. Staying away made it easier to be ok with living in a glorified spaceship. Of course, that didn't stop me from trying to get back there.

I kept looking for opportunities to volunteer for a mission to Eos, or even catch a ride on a supply shuttle, but Kandros kept a tight leash on all his Apex members. We had to stay ready to jump on a shuttle whenever he called. Consequently, keeping up with Josie was tough. I wrote her every couple weeks. Most times she'd write back, but as the months started piling up, her messages got more and more spread out. She was busy - promoted, and in charge of a bunch of important-sounding things. And then, she had always been on the hard-to-get side, so there was that, too. I was on the don't-know-when-to-quit side, though, so I kept plugging away.

You'd think, with Josie so distant, Keelan so busy, and Grady six feet under, I would've been lonely, but that part of life was actually going great. Cho, Hester and I became good friends - even if we did grate each-other's nerves sometimes. Brann and Ozz had their own quirks, but relying on each other in the field created a kind of brotherhood, even across species. And then there was Paladra.

What started out as an effort to get her to re-think humans evolved over time into an oddly-close friendship. We got together for 'cultural exchange' times every few weeks, meeting in as many different locations as the half-constructed Nexus would allow. Sometimes, the event was more about exploring the space station than exploring cultures, but either way, it was always a good time. I didn't realize how big of a friend-hole those talks were filling until they stopped.

Scott Ryder and the Pathfinder team found the asari ark, the Leusenia, and it was understandably big news on the Nexus. Kandros released Paladra from her commitment to Apex so she could travel to the ark and reconnect with her people there. I really didn't expect her to come back, and, well… it sucked. I spent weeks going through the motions - talking, shooting, living like normal, but underneath the busyness, everything just felt… off. The rest of my friends didn't even have time to get worried about me, though. Three weeks after she left, Paladra came back, requesting to be reassigned to Apex Echo. I was stunned - in a good way. Obviously, my culture-defending changed her mind about Echo team, but to leave the asari and come back to volunteer for a dangerous post? I had to know why. I scheduled a catch-up meeting as soon as possible.

—

As useful as it was, there was always something not quite right about hydroponics. Rows, and rows, and endless rows of juvenile plants, growing without one spec of dirt. Nutrient-enriched water flowed through clear channels, running along glossy white support bars that also provided diffused white light for the row of plants underneath. In a way, it was beautiful - seeing the whole root system underwater - but it still seemed unnatural. I preferred wide open spaces. Give me rows of plants in good, real, dirt any day.

Our conversation got off to a slow start, as we took in the sights, but eventually, Paladra and I hit our stride, and we got to the first actual cultural question of the day.

"Alright, so let's talk about hair," I said, strolling side by side with her.

"… okay. Care to be a little more specific?" She replied with a chuckle.

"Like, take you, for instance. You don't have any hair on your head, or… well, anywhere."

"Right…"

"But you have eyelashes. I know the eyebrows are tattooed on, but your lashes - I mean, don't take this weird, but, they're really nice."

"Thanks! A lady should never reject a compliment," she replied, with that unwavering Irish lilt. "Not weird at all. 'Hair,' though… you know, it's funny - I never thought of them in that context."

"But - they're hair. What other context did you think of 'em in?"

"The same as the cilia in the ear canal or lungs, I suppose. I don't know, I think I'd refer to them more as tiny tentacles or micro-appendages, but when you put it that way, they do seem very hair-like."

"So, is that a 'wow, cool!' thing, or an 'eww, gross!' thing?" I asked, one eyebrow raised in mock-scrutiny.

She laughed. "It's… more of an 'appreciate the beauty in diversity' thing, I suppose," she said, playfully tussling my hair. She ran her fingers along my scalp for a brief moment, then retracted her hand abruptly. For as 'touchy-feely' as asari were supposed to be, she rarely made any physical contact with me at all. "Sorry - I didn't mean to… um… I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable…"

"What? Jacking up my hair?" I replied. "Hell, it's not really combed anyway. Knock yourself out."

She gave me a quizzical, uncertain look. I clarified.

"Oh - 'knock yourself out' means, go right ahead, proceed as it pleases you. Sorry, I keep forgetting about the idioms."

"That's ok - I'll just keep learning them," she replied, arms folded. "So, about hair, then. I'll be honest - body hair is a little unusual-seeming to me. Not bad, just… different. No offense-"

"None taken."

"But I think the hair that human women have on their heads is absolutely beautiful. All the different shapes and colors it can take… I'm envious. Not much you can do with these," she trailed off, running her hands down the slope of her head crest.

"Not much you need to do with 'em," I replied. "I think they look great. I can appreciate the beauty in diversity, too."

She rolled her eyes. "Right. Well… thanks anyway."

We came upon a bench-sized storage crate, and sat for a bit, almost hidden in the jungle-like overgrowth of the older rows of plants. She rotated from shoulder to shoulder to face me, eyes animated and playful.

"Alright, it's my turn for a question. This friend of yours, Josie… are you in love with her?"

"Um, wow. That's… kinda forward."

"Come on," she said with a laugh, "we agreed - no questions are off-limits. It's a fair thing to ask. You do talk about her quite a lot."

"No I don't," I rebutted, feeling oddly defensive about the subject.

She folded her arms and tilted her head with a 'not fooling me' look.

"Okay, so maybe I do," I confessed. "But we're friends. Of course I would."

"So there's really nothing more?" She asked, a little more serious now. "I don't know, it just all seemed so romantic - she being the first person you saw out of cryo, and you saving her life in the cave, then she saved you from those wraiths…"

I let out a long sigh. What is Josie to me? After Advent, I thought… hell, I don't know what I thought. Seemed like we were on the same page, but maybe it was just me getting the wrong idea. Maybe, though… if I had stayed on Eos, declined the Apex offer…

"Truth is, I don't really know," I answered after thinking for a while. "I do care about her, but… I don't know if the feeling's mutual."

"You're a rare man, Grissom. I'm sure she'll see that."

"Yeah… I guess we'll see."

"I hope so, at least. It would make for a nice story. I've always been a bit of a romantic, you know. My mother never married for romance. She was poor, my father was rich, old and sterile - biologically, of course. It was more of a business partnership between them."

"Well, that stinks. Sorry."

"Oh, it's alright. It seemed perfectly normal to me as a child. My father was a salarian stock broker - he died before I was old enough to really remember him. He left me a great inheritance - enough for me and my mother to be comfortable on our own. I always wanted more for her, though. Someone to 'sweep her off her feet,' as you say." She sighed wistfully. "That's what I always enjoyed about human literature - your people write such beautiful love stories. Asari are no strangers to romance, of course, but the human stories are just so… raw, and imperfect, full of… hurt, and uncertainty, but - well, not always, but usually - with a happy ending."

This girl was an enigma. Clearly, she didn't loathe human culture - I'm not sure she ever did. So what was it that bothered her so much about being around humans on Apex? Was it me? I had to know.

"Alright, I have to ask you something," I said. "it's been bugging me."

"Okay…"

"You like human food… hair, love stories… so… what is it that you hate about us so much that you wanted to quit the team? Back at the beginning… Was it… me?"

All the playfulness drained out of her face, as her expression changed from curiosity to surprise and hurt. Her eyes searched my face for a moment, welling up with tears. "You th-… you think I hate you? Goddess, Grissom… doesn't our friendship… I came back, didn't I?"

A tear escaped her eye, cutting me like a knife wound. I felt like a total jackass. "No, not now, I guess. I… I just… when you were talking to Sajax…"

The light came on for her. "So you did overhear that…" she sighed, wiping her cheek. "I'm so sorry… that must have been… very hurtful for you. I can… I can explain."

"You don't have to," I said reassuringly. "I shouldn't have brought it up."

"No, I need to. I did't say those things because I don't like you or your people. I wanted to get away because it… brings up painful memories for me, things I thought I could keep buried... but I was wrong." She let out a long, audible exhale, and continued with a pained smile. "I met a man, back when I was working with the commandos. Dougray. He was a farmer on Tiptree, and they had this terrible flood one year. My unit came to offer assistance, and when we met, he and I - we had that 'spark,' you know? From the very beginning."

She trailed off for a moment. "I came back every chance I could get… I even faked an illness once to get time off to visit him. We were lovers, and he was…" her tears returned, as her voice wavered. "… so kind, and gentle. He loved me well."

"I'm guessing he's not here. What happened?"

"He's, um… he's… gone. About a year before the arks left, he told me he was afraid the Batarians were planning something, some kind of attack. I tried to look into it, but my I was caught up in the Traverse with the geth war. Then, a month later, I saw it… in the headlines. A group of terrorists hit the colony, killed men and women, carried of children to be slaves. I deserted my post to get there. I was… … I found his body in the back yard…" Her tears turned to sobs.

"Wow. That's… I'm sorry," I said, reaching out to pull her into my arms. Stand-off'ish or not, she needed a hug. After a minute or two of crying, she pulled away, a little more composed, but still emotional.

"I'm sorry," she said, with a self-conscious smile. ""I didn't expect to be that… upset about it…"

"Hey, don't be sorry," I reassured her. "Bottle all that stuff up, and it's gonna come out eventually. Sometimes you gotta pull it out and just feel it."

She nodded, continuing. "Well, losing Dougray the way I did… it broke me. I resigned my post, went to live with my mother for a while. I was just empty. When you… share so much with someone, share your body, your soul… and then you lose them? I didn't know how to get better. I joined the Initiative to get away from it all - terrorists and slavers, and geth, and violence altogether… but it's here, too. Maybe different faces and names, but the same characters. And then I met you… and you remind me, so much… so much of him… I wanted to run, but I'm glad I didn't. I would rather have your friendship, even if it… makes me cry sometimes. Besides, you can't get better by running away."

I pulled her back in, and this time, she didn't lean away. She needed my friendship as much as I needed hers… even if both our social worlds were about to expand.

Five days after Paladra rejoined Apex Echo, we got relocated.

To Eos.

In an effort to become more efficient at getting help where it was needed, Kandros sent several Apex teams to new, planet-side bases. Bravo went to Elaaden, which made sense - they were mostly krogan, anyway. Charlie and Delta went to Voeld, which was still the largest battleground between allied forces and the Kett. Alpha - the best of the best - stayed on the Nexus, along with a rebuilt Foxtrot team. As for me and the rest of Echo team, we were assigned to the red rock planet, which was getting more attention from the Kett, now that our colony was growing.

As soon as our shuttle entered the atmosphere, all that Nexus-feeling-like-home stuff went out the window. This - the breezy, sandy soil, the sheer, striped canyon walls, the mesas, the valleys, the ugly scrubby bush-tree-things around every pond or lake - this was more like it. This was land. We circled around Prodromos to make our final approach, and I was blown away. Green, living things extended in every direction from the lake, actually growing in native soil. I'd only been gone for seven months, but you'd think it was more like seven years. New, multi-story administration buildings were clustered on the north shore, connected to a multi-shuttle landing pad by an actual paved road. It was phenomenal.

I emailed Josie when I heard the news, and was searching the landing pad for her like a goober, as we slowly came to a rest. What'd you expect, you moron, I chided myself, scanning the dozen or so faces on the tarmac one last time just to be sure. No Josie. She's busy actually doing things, remember? Or did you expect her to come running with a bouquet of flowers and cheesy violin music in the background? Just lower your expectations, Wade.

I grabbed my one, small box of personal belongings, and followed the caravan of bodies to the most exciting thing I'd seen in a long time - my own room. Granted, it was small - like a studio efficiency apartment - but it had a bed, a couch, a toilet and shower, a miniature refrigerator… and it was all mine. My guns stayed in the armory at our new headquarters, so once I started unpacking in my new place, all I had in my one box was the stuff I brought from home home. A framed, old-school printed photo of me with my brothers, Jonathan and Levi, at my high school graduation, my music bank - loaded with 30,000 songs from the good 'ol days, my purple heart { The Purple Heart - a medal awarded to armed forces members who are wounded in service. } from Ferris Fields, and my lucky Dallas Cowboys cap. It wasn't enough to fill one shelf, but it was my life in stuff-form. I arranged them on my glass-top desk, and tried out my bunk-sized bed. It slept better than I expected.

I was out for almost 2 hours, when a knock on my door woke me up. I sprang out of bed, throwing my hat on to cover for whatever messy state my hair was in, and opened the door. It was Josie. I was impressed again with just how beautiful she was. My memory hadn't kept up with the real thing. But then, she wasn't the same as the last time I'd seen her. Girls like Josie didn't need makeup to look attractive… but that didn't mean the effect was wasted on her. Standing in my doorway, her lips were a little redder, eyelids a little shaded, lashes a little thicker - even her hair was dressed up, formed into long, soft curls and highlighted with the occasional streak of blue. She was a masterpiece - at least, in my eyes.

"I heard they put you up in here," she said, eyeing the apartment behind me. "Can't lie - I'm totally jealous. The rest of us 'common' folks are still in bunks."

"I just go where they tell me," I replied, unable to look anywhere but straight at her, "and I am really glad that happens to be back here. I missed this place. … I missed you."

"Yeah, well… everything's so different here than it was when you left. It, uh… might not be the same Eos you remember."

I tried reading between the lines, wondering if there was another layer of meaning beneath her words. If so, I didn't like the implications.

"Sure, but - I mean, some things don't change. Like you. You look… amazing."

"Thanks. You look… the same," she said, scrunching her eyebrows and tilting her head with a 'that's not right' smile. "Sorry - that sounds kinda-"

"It's, uh… same is good," I replied, stumbling over my words. "I'm good with the same."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"Yep." We looked at each other uncomfortably. The situation couldn't have been more awkward if we'd been standing in a vat of pork rind-flavored jello.

"So… you gonna invite me in, or are we just gonna hang out in the doorway?" she finally said, breaking the conversational stalemate. I brought her in, and we sat on my small, not-in-the-least-bit comfortable couch, catching each other up on the last seven months. It wasn't a bad conversation, it was just… careful. We were both tiptoeing around the elephant in the room, but neither of us felt like bringing it up. After a half hour, she got up, heading back to her bunk, but pausing in the doorway.

"It's good to have you back here, Grissom," she said, face sincere. "I hope you get to stay for a while this time."

"Me too," I said, kicking myself for ever leaving. Things were so good, so 'right' before. I just wanted it back. We stood across the doorway from each other, wavering in middle-school level uncertainty about whether we should hug, or handshake, or what. I opted for 'hug,' and she timidly joined in, though it was much more friend-zone flavored than reunited-lovers passionate. "It's really good to see you again, Josie. Catch up with you tomorrow?"

"Sure thing. See ya."

I went back on my bed once she left, staring at the featureless ceiling as the last colors of twilight faded to dark outside my window. Things were a little more distant with her than I expected, and it kinda sucked.

The next morning, I met up with the rest of Echo Team and a few dozen upper-level soldiers and civilians at the outpost cafeteria for breakfast. It was still dark outside at 6am, and you could tell pretty easily which faces belonged to morning people - and which ones stayed up a little too late the night before. I was a lifelong member of the early bird club, so 6am was no hurdle to me, and I came into the day full of positivity and hope. And then I got my food tray, and a little of that hope leaked out.

Oatmeal. And a cylindrical stick that was supposed to be a synthesized representation of what sausage would taste like - if it had, you know, actual meat inside it, or something. Gone were the days of gourmet meals at the glass-ceiling paradise on the Nexus. Be thankful, I reminded myself. It comes with one hell of a view outside.

I took my tray over to the drink buffet to get some synthesized tastes-kinda-like orange juice, and was almost finished filling my kid-sized cup, when Leighton Royce came up to me.

"Hey man, welcome back," he said. "Can I, um, talk to you about something for a minute?" He motioned toward the nearby corner of the room.

"Sure," I replied, a little apprehensive as I followed him. "What's up?"

"I wanted to give you a heads-up, since I know we're all gonna be working together, and I don't want anything to be… well, awkward. Um… so, I know you have a bit of a… history with Josie. You should know, she and I… we're kind-of a… thing. I hope that won't be a problem."

I smiled a tight-lipped smile, and gripped my tray to keep my hands from gripping his neck. Kind-of a thing? With Royce? That's like leaving G.I. Joe for Ken. You just…. no. You can't do that. Sure, he has the whole six-foot-four, blonde hair, blue eyed, perfect beard, mister sensitive, stay-here-while-Grissom-left-me thing going on but OOOOOHHHHH MY GOSH, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? She's dating mister perfect? Crap crap CRAP! Suddenly, it all made sense - the gradual distance over emails, the uncomfortable, friend-zone treatment… Grissom, you stupid, stupid boy…

I understood guy-talk all too well. He was staking his claim, marking his territory. I was supposed to give the concession speech and slowly back away from her. The thing he failed to consider, though, is that G.I. Joe doesn't give concession speeches, and he sure as hell doesn't concede anything to freakin' Ken.

"Hell, Royce, that's no problem at all," I said, lowering my voice instinctively to sound a little deeper. "We're all adults here. I'm sure we can figure it out, 'cause the three of us will be working together. A lot. And you're right - she and I do have quite a history. As long as you're not uncomfortable with that, I think we'll be just fine."

He grimaced and exhaled audibly through his nose. "That's all I needed. Just… be advised that, um… well… anyway, okay."

"… Alright, then. Enjoy your breakfast."

I watched as he took his tray and sat next to her. Josie's dark-circled eyes lit up when she spoke, accompanied by a tired smile. Even her body seemed more animated when he sat next to her. The rest of my early bird hope sputtered out like a balloon you lose hold of before you can tie it off. Damnit. Maybe he's not bluffing…

My mind went off on a tangent, imagining his manscaped beard kissing her face and neck, his boy-like fingers undressing her, their bodies tangled up and writhing in the moonlight like aaaaawwwww HELL no! Hell. No. Football! Tanks! Football in tanks! Anything but this… I had to get distracted, and fast. I took my tray to the far side of the room and sat next to some dude who was studying underground earthquakes or something like that. He was talkative, so I mostly nodded and ate in silence, brooding over the bad news. At first I was angry, but eventually, I was just bummed. Josie was further away than I thought, and I had no one to blame but myself.

—

The surprising reunion with Josie had me bummed for days. The guys could tell I needed a pick-me-up, so at the end of our first week of patrols, Hester, Cho, Ozz and I took a Nomad out a few miles to a small, deep crater-turned-pond, and swam for a few hours.

"You sure nobody else knows about this place?" I asked, floating in the bathwater-temperature liquid. It was more viscous than the water on Earth - you could lay perfectly still and just float for hours.

"Nope," Hester answered. "And even if they did, it would take a Nomad to realistically get here, and nobody but Apex can check out the Nomads."

"Still not used to the special treatment," Cho said. "Especially back here with my old squadmates."

"Are you kidding?" Hester fired back. "It's the least they could do. We're eating peasant food, sweating our freakin' asses off doing patrols… they owe us that much." He wasn't quite as excited about the return to Eos as I was. "And the icing on the crapcake? There are, like, six asari on the whole freakin' planet, and the only one who will even give me the time of day is all doe-eyed for Grissy-poo." He delivered that last line in his corniest falsetto voice, fluttering his eyelashes like a cartoon character.

"Oh, can it!" I groaned, reaching out to dunk him under the water. After a short scuffle, we both got tired of the unbelievably salty taste of Eos water in our mouths, and called a truce.

"She's into you, bro," he reiterated. "Gotta crush that while you can."

"I told you, it's really not like that," I answered. "We. Are. Friends. End of story."

"Ozz?" He appealed. "You see it, right?"

"Honestly, no. I think your attraction filter is broken."

"Oh, that's right. You're all business, no fun," he said, with rolled eyes. "Cho? Back me up here, man."

"It's… possible, I guess," he said. "But then, you do have a crazy blue fetish, so it could just be that."

"She's a nice girl. A good friend," I restated, to myself and to them. Which is apparently as far as Grissom Wade can go with anyone, I mused cynically. I closed my eyes and floated weightlessly, allowing the breeze to cool my face, as I remembered all that could have been. Friends. Just friends.