CHAPTER 10 - Part I - Am I Enough?
The cab driver looked at me in sympathy. I was in his back seat, running through his entire tissue box. Joon Ki's kiss still burned on my mouth. I tried rubbing it away, trying to forget the memory of what just happened.
Today had gone from vacation to nightmare in a matter of 24 hours. I woke up this morning knowing who I was and now, hours later, I questioned everything true in my life. Was I Go Ha Jin or was I simply a vessel for Hae Su's memories? I didn't know anymore. I thought that part of myself was sufficiently gone, a live burial in the deepest basement, to be forgotten in the long dark winter of my past. I had no intention of returning to dig up my past. But my past refused to be buried. It screamed to be unearthed.
My fingers rested on my lips and I remembered that Han Joon Ki was alive. Han Joon Ki. The words were so beautiful to me. I couldn't believe it. Wang So was alive in the body of Han Joon Ki. My beloved. My love. My husband. The father of my child. He was still alive and he had travelled for so long to find me. I held my hand over my mouth and tried not to scream. Everything inside my chest hurt, like it was being dissolved by a strong acid. I found no relief.
What was my life now? I didn't know. This morning, I was engaged to be married to Choi Han Kyul. But now, I didn't know who would be walking down the aisle with my finacee, would it be Hae Su or Go Ha Jin? It wasn't like I had two personalities, but rather I was a Russian nesting doll, a layer of Go Ha Jin over the deeper shell of Hae Su. We were both contained in the same body and in this present state, who was right. Who was wrong? Hae Su seemed to want to emerge, stronger than ever, reaching out for her past love. And Go Ha Jin didn't care enough to stop her.
Joon Ki stopped kissing me as soon as I begged him to stop. He looked dazed as I was and he stumbled back. The taste of him was still on my mouth. The smell, the flavor, the slight difference that was Han Joon Ki and not Wang So, I could discern it all. He had a little bit of scruff growing towards the end of the night, and the roughness scrapped my mouth. I felt bruised. My heart, oh my heart, it was beating so fast that I thought I would have an heart attack right then and there. I know I didn't have the same heart problems as Hae Su, but there were so many ghosts with me right now. I wouldn't have been surprised if I limped as I got out of the cab.
Han Joon Ki was not a ghost, Han Joon Ki was real. He was as real as me.
I grasped the door handle of the taxi tightly as all the memories of Goryeo washing over me. They had been laid to rest for so long. I remembered so much. His arms around me as we rode out to the open ocean together on his horse, his breath on my neck, telling me that I was his only confidante. When he drank poison for me, his bright blood spilling everywhere onto my hands. When he gave up everything that a prince had to stand with me at the palace gates. When he killed my assassin in front of my eyes at the gyobang. The first time we made love in that tiny hanok in Hubaekje; his mouth everywhere on me, when he entered me, how he possessed my body and my mind completely. I lost myself in Wang So. When my dear Lady Oh died at the command of his father, King Taejo. Then when Yeon Hwa told me that I was responsible for her brother's downfall; that I alone destroyed Wook, my first love. Then when Jimong made me realize that I could never marry Gwangjong and have him alive at the same time. I wore my wedding robes on the day that Gwangjong married Yeon Hwa. When I looked into Yeon Hwa's eyes and she said that she could protect Gwangjong and I could not. And when Chae Ryung was tortured and killed at his command. And when Woo Hee committed suicide to save Baek Ah. The pain would not stop coming. I lost track of time in my memories and when we finally arrived at my house, the taxi driver had to yell at me to tell me I was home.
I sat on my bed in the dark. I could see the moon. What time was it in Macau? I traced my phone screen, lit in the dark, and I texted Han Kyul. Would he talk to me? I really needed to talk.
I waited, patiently to see a read receipt for an entire hour. But there was no read receipt. He was probably asleep.
The worst feeling was, I didn't feel guilty. I reveled in kissing Joon Ki, it felt like galaxies were being created inside me, like we were an infinity of bodies and feelings. How could I feel guilt? And that is why I am terrible. I didn't stopped touching Joon Ki from the moment we were reunited in that tiny gallery. My hands couldn't resist him. I betrayed Han Kyul with my eyes, with my hands, with my lips. Just looking at Joon Ki made me feel like I was untethered to my world. I wanted to take his hand and run as fast as I could away from my life, as far away from the reality that allowed me to live in Seoul. My body roamed away from faithfulness. When I curled Joon Ki to my chest, it was the same as slapping Han Kyul in the face.
I didn't do this before. I wasn't in love with Wook and Wang So at the same time. I had feelings for Wang So, but I didn't act on those feelings when I was in love with Wook. I waited, I staved off the rising tide until the long night when I watched him through his fever. He had confessed to me in his fever dream that he loved me. Of course, he had shown me he loved me in multiple ways before, but the thought of losing him was too much to bear. I confessed to him that I couldn't be parted from him anymore. He was my prince.
But he wasn't my prince, not anymore. I had no claim to him. As soon as I had fallen in love with Han Kyul, I gave up my claim to Wang So. Who was I to have a divided heart for Wang So? I know him. I knew how he was. He would never accept a partial offering. And here I was, torn between my future and my past. I didn't know which road to take.
Suddenly, I saw us in his kitchen. Joon Ki leaning over me, cradling my face in his hands. How once he started kissing me, I had no willpower. I gave into Joon Ki so quickly that it was laughable. I thought how I would feel if I saw the same scene with Han Kyul, if I saw him and his ex-girlfriend kissing passionately like the world didn't exist. Betrayal, anger, hate, resentment, all of the motions of an affair had already been set forth by me.
I hated me. I hated that I didn't wait for him the way he waited for me. Over a millenia and I waited for maybe two years? I hated that when Han Joon Ki kissed me, my heart and my body missed him so much that I forgot everything that was suppose to matter to me-my fiancee who helped me gain my life back, helped my family in every way, whom I did love-even if it wasn't the same way I loved Wang So. I hugged myself. Han Kyul saved my life in Seoul. He made it possible to live in this world, he helped me find a purpose, and he loved me. I couldn't separate the moment when I started falling in love with Han Kyul from the moment I started feeling hope again. Hope was calamity. What was I hopeful for anyway?
I had built this person named Go Ha Jin, who lied for so long that she could barely tell the difference between truth and lies. I betrayed Han Kyul. I betrayed Wang So. Somehow, I had done it both in the same breath, on the same day. I wanted to vomit, a gross amount of stomach acid rose in my throat and I felt nausea like I had never felt before. I was on birth control so I knew it wasn't another cosmic wrench in my life. It was my wretchedness that my body was responding to. How could I hurt, Han Kyul, the one who saved me and, Joon Ki, the only one who understood me in one fell swoop. I wasn't an animal. I knew I could do better, but in that moment, I had not. I had given into a terrible, easy, decision.
It was nearly five A.M. and I was looking at the grey dawn. I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I imagined Joon Ki kissing me and Han Kyul walking in. The stricken look on my fiancee's face if he saw me, guilty and carefree. How could I be so reckless with a person I loved? And what about Joon Ki? I was entangling him in this. I knew I wasn't right. Nothing about this was right. I wanted to leave this moment, warp myself into another reality where I didn't know Joon Ki existed or one where I never came back to future. I wanted to confess to Han Kyul, to absolve myself. There was ugliness inside me and it was festering. Even if I didn't confess to Han Kyul and forgot this ever happened, I would know. The guilty always know.
I put my head in my hands as I remembered my last words to Han Joon Ki. He was trembling as I pushed him away. I saw him ball up his fist into his pockets. All I could see was the pain I'd cause him in the future. There was no happiness, no hope, only another path full of agony. I didn't love him enough; he waited and I didn't.
His hands still held my face as I pushed myself away.
"I should have never come here." I didn't look at him. "I have moved on and you have not. This is cruel. I don't want to be cruel, not to you."
"I don't regret a second with you."
"If we hadn't met again, I wouldn't have to leave you." My words tasted like ash in my mouth.
"Go Ha Jin." His voice was thick with emotion.
I shook my head. "No. I think our fate stops here. I can't hurt you again."
I had to face reality. The reality was that I could no longer fool myself into thinking that my memories were false. Han Kyul had been wrong. When I was in my coma, I didn't create my memories out of thin air; somehow, my soul had been transported back in time. I didn't want to believe it. I'm a herbal specialist, not a theoretical physicist. How was I supposed to deal with time as an uncertainty? Most people took time for granted, that it only flowed in the one direction of their lives. Han Joon Ki and I had bent time. Why did time bend for the two of us?
I went into the shower, blasting the hottest water possible until my skin turned pink. Even the sting of the hot water didn't hurt. I was already in hell.
The streets in front of Sulwhasoo labs were deserted in the early morning. Street sweepers were cleaning up last night's reveries, I picked up a beer can and the street person thanked me when I place it back in the trashcan. Was everything back in it's right place? That's what I thought happened when I finally woke up from my coma and saw my mother. I was back. But I was strange, I was alien, I was different. I knew my mother saw it but she ignored it.
Rolling up my sleeves, I let go of myself in the lab. I created long chemical tables until the numbers floated around and became nonsense. I ignored my phone all day. If I could only focus on a problem I could solve, then maybe I could make sense of this impossible situation. My assistant, Kim So Eun, looked at me worried, but she knew my moods. I could be unreachable when I was deep in thought. I was the last one in the office and when I turned off the lights. Han Kyul was waiting for me in the lobby.
"Ha Jin!" He got up quickly and wrapped me in a hug. "You weren't answering your phone. Let's go to dinner. I just got back."
"Han Kyul. Can we please talk?" I grasped his hand.
"You're so serious." He frowned.
"I just need to talk."
"You're scaring me. What do you want to talk about?"
"I have a dilemma." His eyes went from warm to confused and he leaned in to kiss me. I turned away.
"I'm sorry. I should have known. I've neglected you too much. Are you mad because I've been traveling so much?"
"No. Let's go to your apartment. I need to tell you something."
On the cab ride over, the yellow streetlights made my hands a gross sallow color. I could only stare straight ahead at the back of the cab driver's head. I couldn't talk. There was too much to say.
Han Kyul ushered me inside and took my coat. I sat on his couch and looked at my fiancee. He was tall, handsome, rich, kind, caring, and perfect. Han Kyul was a list of superlatives. But more than that, Han Kyul was the person who made me feel valued in this world. He helped me discover my own worth. How many people in the world understood what you were worth and did everything in their power to help you find it? And now I was going to break his heart. Who said nice girls couldn't be cruel? I was the prime example of it.
He sat opposite of me on the coffee table, holding my hands in his. He always knew how to connect with me, in a way that I couldn't ignore.
"I saw someone today, from my past."
He nodded.
"He is-an incarnation of Wang So." I stuttered. It was ludicrous when I said it out loud. He frowned.
"Ha Jin. Are you okay? I thought we had moved beyond all of the Goryeo memories. You haven't mentioned Wang So in years."
"I thought-," I choked on my own words. "I believed what you told me. That my memories were created during my coma to fulfill a function of my brain. That's what you told me. And that's what's kept me going all these years. I thought that everything that I remembered was created by me. I made it up. But Han Kyul, the memories are real." My eyes scanned his face rapidly.
"Ha Jin, what happened when I was gone?" His tone grew urgent. "Who did you meet?"
"Han Joon Ki."
Han Kyul sat up, startled.
"Your patient. The one that was shot in the neck."
"He's Wang So?" He drew back.
"Yes. I went back to Changdeokgung palace yesterday. To find out for once and all if my memories were fake. And he found me." I began trembling. "He found me. And he remembers. He remembers everything."
He stood up and paced around. "No, Ha Jin. This is some kind of a trick. Something is wrong with you."
"Something is wrong with me. I kissed him." My eyes drifted towards the floor.
"This is a shared delusion. Sometimes, that happens." Han Kyul gripped my hands tightly. "What did he say?"
"He's Wang So, Han Kyul." I trembled.
"Ha Jin. No." He smoothed his hands across my face. "No, baby. We have to get you back in treatment. No. Time travel isn't possible, my love. This isn't real."
"It is real!" I snapped at him. "He remembers everything. I remember everything. He remembered the name of our daughter." The ball of pain in my chest started expanding again.
"Ha Jin. I'm so sorry. I've been gone for so long. I've left you alone for too long. You needed me here. You're still so fragile. Your mind is still repairing itself." Han Kyul pleaded with me. I winced, this was what I was afraid of. When I accepted all those years ago the explanation that Han Kyul gave me, there was a still a little voice inside me that whispered, 'what if he's wrong.' I didn't have any answers then, I didn't have any answers now.
"No. Han Kyul. You don't believe me. I'm not crazy. I did go back in time. Maybe not through something like a time machine, but I have all of my memories from 1,000 years ago. How do you explain a complete stranger with the same memories as me? Down to every detail?"
Han Kyul got up and paced the room.
"It's not possible Ha Jin. There's so many explanations why you might share the same memories as Han Joon Ki, but the last reason would be time travel."
"You're wrong, Han Kyul." I tried to keep my voice steady. "I don't have any explanations, but I can tell you that I remember ten years from a thousand years ago that I shared with Han Jun Ki."
"What are you going to do now? Do you want to see him?"
"No." I breathed out slowly. "No. I'm not going to go to him. I love you. But I didn't want to hide anything from you since we're going to get married."
"You kissed him?"
I nodded. Han Kyul seemed to close himself off, his shoulders hunched forward, almost like a deep bow. He was in pain. I winced. I was doing this. I'm the main culprit in this terrible triangle.
"Why? Why did you kiss him?"
It was like he had flung the question like a dagger at my stomach. I felt a spasm of pain and guilt.
"Because." I walked to where he was standing and looked at him straight in the eyes. I couldn't absolve myself, but maybe I could explain. "Because, I loved Wang So."
Han Kyul clenched his jaw. I had never seen him this overwhelmed before. He was my cool, well-composed doctor, who always played everything close to the vest.
"Do you still love him?" Han Kyul stared back at me. Was it anger? Was it hate? I knew I had to face it. I deserved whatever he would say to me. "Do I mean anything to you, Ha Jin? How could you? How could you do this to us?"
"I'm sorry." I tried reaching out for him, but he pulled back. "I'm sorry. It was a mistake. I made a mistake."
"Ha Jin. Was it a mistake?" He suddenly gripped me by the shoulders. "Or will I have to live with your past with Wang So or Han Joon Ki or whoever for the rest our life?"
"No. I made a mistake. I'm sorry." I cried when I realized how much I wounded my dear doctor. The person who loved me when I was just a shell, who as carefully as a watchmaker, mended my broken pieces until I found a place in this world. I couldn't begin to fathom the debt I owed him in gratitude and love. I repeated my apology over and over again, but every sentence seemed to make it worse. I couldn't take away the pain for him.
"Ha Jin." He shuddered. "I always knew you weren't completely mine."
"No, Han Kyul." I shook my head. "I do love you."
"No." He turned away from me. "I knew. I lied to myself. I tried to tell myself that I was enough. But I was never enough was I, Ha Jin? I knew it all along. That look you would get in your eyes. The way you would just break off mid-sentence. I imagined how much this would hurt, but I was wrong. To have your worst fear realized-"
"Please listen to me, Han Kyul." I stood on the edge. "I love you. I won't let my past stop my future with you. I do want our future. I want it with you. I've wanted it for years. Please believe me." I felt like I was watching him slip away.
"Then promise me, Ha Jin."
Han Kyul finally looked at me.
"Promise me you'll never see him again if you really love me."
My mouth dried up. Not to see Joon Ki again? Ever? My hands dropped to my side and I nodded numbly. It was the best thing to do. I could see wisdom in Han Kyul's request. When I asked Joon Ki if I could stay in his life, it was selfish and cruel of me, knowing that I wouldn't be returning his feelings. Han Joon Ki deserved happiness too.
Han Kyul made love to me that night and I felt it keenly, our desperation to mend things. I had cut him so deep and he was doing everything in his will power to try to not let me see how badly I had torn into him. When he finally finished, I held him in my arms and kissed him for a long time. I would stop seeing Jun Ki. I would let us go. I had done it once before.
The next morning, I woke up and Han Kyul was already dressed and contemplating me with his morning coffee. I felt trepidation.
"Good morning." He took a sip of his coffee. "Let's get away for a little while, Ha Jin." He smiled and his warmth was back. I was relieved.
"Sure." I settled back onto the pillow. "Where do you want to go?"
"In a week, let's go to Hong Kong."
I nodded. Maybe some time away would be the best thing for the both of us.
I stayed in bed for another hour since it was the weekend. My mother had been bugging me nonstop to go to one wedding shop that her old friend from college opened in the "wedding town" Ahyeondong part of Seoul. Just the thought of all those fluffy white dresses, coy veils and everything gave me a headache. I sighed and I told her I was going to wear Vera Wang no matter what so what did it matter which shop I'd get it from? I'd make an avatar online and have her try it out, an idea that my mother did not take kindly to.
The bridal consultant was very nice to us, passing champagne flutes while I perused the racks of dresses. I wasn't going to buy a dress here, but I knew it was just a way for my mother to spend some time with me.
"Oma." I blanched at a frothy number that was more veil than dress, "How did you know to marry Appa?"
"I wanted to! More than anything in the world." My mother giggled.
"I don't feel that way, Mom." I shrugged. "If Han Kyul and I were engaged forever, I would be fine with that too. This big ceremony and dress and people. If it weren't two months away, I'd never want to do it."
"What's wrong, Ha Jin?"
"Nothing." I tried to look like I cared about the beading on a particular bodice. "I'm just worried about getting married. What if it changes everything? What if I change? What if Han Kyul changes?"
"Oh honey. Of course you'll change. But the point of life is to choose someone you can change with. Someone who's there to appreciate everything."
"Someone who's there." I repeated to myself.
"Yes. Are you worried about marrying Choi Han Kyul?"
"I do love him, Oma. And he's done so much for me, and for our family. I don't even know what my life would be like without him."
"You shouldn't marry him because you're grateful, Ha Jin. You should marry him when you want to build a life with no one else. That's what I felt with Appa. I didn't want anyone else. Through the bitterness and the sweet. That's a marriage." My mother put her hand softly on mine. "I do like Han Kyul. But you're such a strong girl now. Ever since you came out of your coma, I see you getting better and smarter everyday. Whatever you decide, will be the right choice. Trust yourself, my dear."
I hugged my mother. She was right. I had to trust myself more.
I was eating lunch with my assistant, Kim So Eun, at work when I got a series of overeager text from Seung Won. It was So-Eun who noticed all the SMS alerts first.
"Your phone is going crazy!" She pointed with her chopsticks.
"Aish. It's this friend of mine who just graduated from college." I put down my spoon and checked my phone. Seung Won gave me a long list of things he wanted for his birthday as well as the location and time and date in his stream of consciousness texts. I sighed. Seung Won was so excitable. He was like a puppy sometimes.
"So Eun," I showed her the long texts, "Looks like we have to move my business dinner. I have to go to a birthday party."
On the night of the birthday party, I took my guitar out of the closet. It hadn't been tuned in ages. I used to play a lot more often in graduate school, when I had the time. I found that plucking the strings really helped me relieve the stress pre-exams or during one of my all nighters in the lab. I adjusted each wooden peg, getting lost in the ritual of getting an instrument ready.
"Where are you going?" Han Kyul asked when he saw that I had hauled out my guitar.
"Oh, to a birthday party. Wanna come with?" I strummed the guitar a little. "I might sing?"
"Maybe." He leaned in a smiled. "You are very beautiful when you sing."
"And when I'm sad."
"You're heart-stopping when you're sad." He fluffed my hair. "Text me later. I have to entertain these clients, but I can probably stop by."
He gave me a long, lingering tender kiss. Ever since our fight about my past memories, he was more attentive to me. I chalked it up to both of us trying harder, understanding that relationships would flounder unless we gave it the time and care it needed. Love was a plant and you had to water it or it would wither and die.
I had the guitar slung around my back when I finally got to Seung Won's place in Gangnam. During his graduation, I only met his family very briefly before he was whisked away. I enjoyed Seung Won's little moonwalk across the stage and nearly died with laughter when I saw it. I wondered if I would meet his brother tonight, the one that was injured badly during the Presidential motorcade.
I checked my reflection in the plate glass of a building and liked what I saw. I decided to go for a very bohemian inspired look to go with my guitar, off the shoulder velvet top and comfortable jeans with a long thick wool coat. If Joni Mitchell were Asian, that's how I wanted to look.
I knocked on Seung Won's door loudly and shouted,
"Birthday boy, come out and get your spanks!"
I raised my hand, ready to do some birthday spanking, when the door opened. I gasped.
It was Han Joon Ki.
**author note: Part II of Chapter 10 is already written! Give me those 30+ reviews and I'll put out the chapter early!