A Fairly Normal SDM Day

Summary: Barmy idea inspired by cactus juice, mushrooms, Merlin and Mystia's music, Lovegood, and other miscellany that was typed up in one sitting. (In other words, this is pure crack. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

Chapter Rating: T

Snapping her fingers, Remilia leaps up from her throne. "I do believe that I have had enough of this. Sakuya, accompany me down to the library. I have a request for her to carry out."

Sighing, the beleaguered maid sets down the duster as she wipes one of the one hundred and eight candles on the chandelier above Remilia's throne and folds her hands in front of her. "What is it this time, milady? Or do you plan to keep it a secret until you set out to fulfill it?"

"Hardly a secret, my dear Sakuya. It is time to address the most peturbing and persnickety problems that has bothered me for the longest time." Grinning maniacally, she hops down the steps and skips softly towards the exit to her grand hall, which she had been staring down vacantly for the last three hours and twenty seven minutes. "I had sudden inspiration during my long contemplation."

Skauya groans verbally under her breath, but dutifully accompanies her mistress along to set up whatever harebrained scheme she has concocted this time. "Do tell, milady. What is it this time? Another plan to win the shrine maiden's affection that involves forty two individual steps, a peanut butter jar, and a few yards of threaded nose hairs?"

"Nope! But thank you for reminding me of that, Sakuya. Never have my nostrils felt cleaner!" Ignoring the sudden gag that came from her maid, Remilia throws open the doors to the next hallway, smashing a fairy maid in the process. As said maid turns into a pile of dust next to her, she continues to stride along, as only a striding vampire can.

"Then what is it, milady? Another attempt to fortify your sister's room so that the witch cannot attempt to steal her precious thing?"

Freezing momentarily, the vampire spins around, her face set in a rictus. "What was that, Sakuya? It sounded like you implied that my sister had her Lævateinn shined in the warm velvet clamp of some stranger?"

Ignoring the fact that the witch was not exactly a stranger, or the small little point that she did not have Lævateinn to be shined in the first place, Sakuya tries to mollify her mistress. "Of course not, milady. After all, when you caught her in the act of it, you immediately separated them. One must protect the youngest mistress's innocence."

"Yes, yes, one must. After all, the sight of the two of them, going at it…" Remilia shudders, the memory passing in front of her like a dead leaf on the wind that had just been speared with a large wooden spear that is like a large wooden Lævateinn that isn't on fire. Warm velvet clamps not included. "Oh, the sheer noise on her face, the exertion as they went along, placing their hands on each other."

"Maybe the mushrooms that Marisa gave me were a bad idea for tea…" Clearing her throat, Sakuya pointedly speaks up, grabbing Remilia's attention. "Yes, we know that patty cake is such a terrible thing. After all, such activities are reserved for sisters?" Sakuya winces noticeably as Remilia throws open another door, thrusting the doorknob into the colorless plaster, shattering it. "And can you be a little more careful with the doorways, milady? You're merely making extra work for myself and the fairies."

Smiling innocently, Remilia begins skipping along once more. "Oh, I am sure that it is no trouble at all. The fairies around her are quite competent, don't you agree? In fact, in the next incident, I believe I shall have a whole horde of them serve as the fodder before I am faced. Just for a change of pace."

"…As you say, milady." Both of the two women ignored the fact that Remilia had accidentally killed at least three fairies in her jovial jaunt down the dimly lit and quite hazardous corridors of her mansion. That isn't counting the one rare male fairy she had accidentally cropped and neutered, nor the few that she merely had decapitated or crippled. "So, what is this plan that you have? Not going to experiment by supersaturating the air with the scarlet mist once more, so instead you would have a scarlet fog."

"Nah. That was pretty boring. I couldn't see, then. And how could I enjoy the darkness of the day when I can't even see in front of me? Besides, that doll that I had you kidnap didn't seem so fond of supersaturating on my orders. Her poison didn't seem much like alcohol, though."

I could use some medicine for melancholy now, come to think of it. "Of course not, milady. She may have been a doll, but she was not a killer doll. Such a thing wouldn't bother you." That, and she had maid a point to have Patchouli charm them with a spell to neuter the gas. It wouldn't do to have the mistress of the mansion falling over dead like a sack of fried beans. That would be an insult to the beans. "So, care to share?"

"Simple. I have grown tired of this small form. So, I shall have Patchouli alter me, so that instead of sucking blood, I shall instead suck essence!"

Groaning softly, Sakuya mutters under her breath. "…They were a really bad idea." Grumbling quietly, she runs out of synonyms to describe her speech without pausing time to grab a synonym. Or a thesaurus. The mistress's actions were already getting to her mind. "Need I remind that you feed on blood? Without it, you will grow weaker, and perhaps even die."

Clapping her hands together, she spins back around and faces Sakuya, having finally reached the main door. While doing so, one of her wings creates a strong enough wind to knock over and shatter a vase full of flowers that feed using melanisynthesis. "Of course it shan't be a problem! After all, one's essence is more important than blood. And by collecting essence, I shall change. And by changing, I shall grow! Finally, I shall not have to look up to even meet my little sister in the eye!"

"…You know, ever time you go and see her, she's usually flying. And shooting lots of bullets." Sakuya stops herself before trying to bog down the girl with logic, as her mistress had taken her response as an invitation to step inside the library and ignore her. Futility sets in as she dutifully follows after her mistress, wondering whether or not it would be worth it to lock her out of time until the effects of the concoction wore off.

By the time that Sakuya caught up, having cheated and frozen time as running in heels is never a good idea unless it is an emergency except in the few occasions that logic stops working, which is most of the time, she finds Remilia sitting on top of Patchouli's lap. The studious and solemn magician, who never was a human is also not a youkai thank you very much now shut up unless you want her to explain and take up too much space in this paragraph, ignores the vampire whom gazes up at her with the widest of eyes, as the current passage she is perusing has too many run-on sentences and if she loses her concentration she'll become very upset and have to nuke somebody.

Which, of course, would be terrible.

"Patchouli…" Pouting up at the purple magician, not a youkai, she begs her to listen. "Please listen… I want you to do something for me, bestest friend…"

"Not until the mushrooms are out of your system. …Actually, just stay right here. I am sure that the black-white is using you as a distraction to raid my library as we speak." The magician, not a youkai, attempts to get up, but fails as Remilia is gripping her arm as if her hand was a warm velvet clamp and Patchouli's arm is a Lævateinn. "…Remilia, let go, please. I must safeguard the library."

"Don't worry about the books, Patchouli. They just want to be free from this jail of wooden confines! Let them fly away! Far far away, into the small, mustier, danker confines of the thieving clanker!" Grinning at her rather awkward rhyme, she tugs on the magician, not a youkai. "I need it so that I suck essence instead of blood."

Patchouli gives Sakuya a tired look before the magician, not a youkai, turns back to the mad vampire. "Are you sure about that? Such a thing would kill you in the long run. Humans regrow blood. Essence regrows slower… Not that such a thing exists, minds you."

"It doesn't? But all I want to do is suck the height out of people! I'm tired of being the short one." Remilia pouts, before leaping off of Patchouli, backflipping over her and landing on an end table which immediately cracks. "Surely you can do such a thing as that! Aren't you the best magician around here?"

"…You really have gone off the deep end." Rolling her eyes, Patchouli stands up, still not leaving in a bit of fear at being caught in the terrifying, warm velvet clamp again. "But I believe I can do such a thing. But to do it, you need to come closer."

Remilia grins and steps forward, fluttering down onto the ground and scattering Patchouli's notes everywhere. All one thousand three hundred and fifty one and a sixth of a third. She had torn them into tiny pieces. "This close enough for you?"

Patchouli's eyebrow twitches. "Closer."

Remilia takes another step forward. "This close enough?"

"Closer."

Another step. "This close enough?

"Closer." After another step, Patchouli nods. "Now, open up your mouth."

Grinning, her mind whirling at length at what she planned to do once she had succeeded in her devious goal, aside from world domination as that one is always on the backburner but first she must feel she must dominate the shrine maiden first before she does that, she opens it up wide, showing off the brilliant white fangs which are the hallmark of virtually any carnivorous creature but in this case specifically a vampire.

After looking at them for a moment, Patchouli nods and rips them out with her hands.

Neither the maid or the magician, not a youkai, bother to help the vampire as she falls to the floor in an oddly quiet scream. Even though she seems to be in pain, and bleeding profusely, her good manners seem to finally keep in and keep her quiet while the grownups work. Tilting her head to the side curiously, Sakuya looks at the fangs. "What is it that you are planning on doing?"

"I am augmenting her fangs. Nothing so stupid as collecting essence. Seriously, who would talk like that? It's like borrowing books until you die." Letting out an exaggerated sigh, Patchouli begins to grumble about collecting the essences of cats and forcibly injecting them into random people to see how the results pan out. A moment later, the fangs begin to glow and become with odd polka dots. If one looks closely, they could see little happy faces on it. "There. Now just to stick them back in."

"…Make sure to put them in the right way. Milady would never let you hear the end of it if you stuck it in the wrong way."

"Oh, trust me, Sakuya. I'm an expert. After all, I'm Not a Youkai™." After giving the maid the proudest flat look that has ever existed, she grabs Remilia by the skull and jams the fangs back in. "Close enough."

Sighing, Sakuya kneels down next to her lady, before carefully opening her mouth. "…Backwards, Patchouli." Spinning the teeth around, she waits for Remilia to begin healing before speaking again. "How do you feel milady?"

"Like a brand new vampire! …Which isn't good, as I've just been turned. Did someone bite me?" Leaping up, Remilia begins to pat down her childish body, which elicits a small and rather creepy grin from the magician. …The one that isn't a youkai.

"No, milady. No one has bitten you." Taking a moment to freeze time and smack Patchouli, she appears once more from when she had left off. "But Patchouli finished your little request." Lacking anything else to say, she refrained from speaking. Which makes the sentence rather superfluous, but instead makes it flavor text. And everyone loves flavor text.

"She did? Thank you, Patchouli!" Smiling winningly at the magician, knocked out on the ground, she turns to Sakuya. "Now, whom shall I steal from first? I can't wait to be tall once again…"

"You were tall in the first place, milady?" A bit of dread begins to grow inside her, but not as if it were a tree. No, the dread grows, as if it were kudzu. Kudzu, on a tree. That grows fast. The tree, not the kudzu. Kudzu already grows fast. "But is there someone that doesn't need the height and is readily available? Or shall I borrow someone else for a little while?"

"Too much effort, and it will take too long." Sakuya doesn't bother to correct her, as such a thing would just cause another incident. Or a rather annoyed shrine maiden being tied up and beating everyone up again. Or both. "Instead, I have a better idea. One of the residents of the mansion would suit just well, at least for testing."

The dread grows even faster. Like something that grows faster than kudzu. "I shall go and requisition Meiling for a moment. I'm sure she won't mind."

"No, no, we need her to protect the gate. How else would we keep everything out of the mansion?" Again, Sakuya neglects to point out that hardly anything is kept out of the mansion anymore. "And I'd rather not steal anything from Patchouli… So it looks like you will have to do, Sakuya."

I was afraid of that. "If you say so, milady." Kneeling down, Sakuya hopes that this would be no worse than a normal feeding. "Just do try to not be messy. I've enough to clean up once we're done as is."

"When am I ever sloppy like that?" The Scarlet Devil just smiles before stepping forward to the girl. "Now, this shall be interesting…" Baring her fangs, she lowers her head, and pierce's the maid's flesh easily.

Sighing at the tiny pinpricks, Sakuya mutters. "…You missed, milady. An inch to your left." You'd think she have learned by now.

Pulling her fangs out, Remilia sinks them in and begins to drink. A funny feeling spreads over Sakuya as something is pulled out from her besides the sanguine solution. However, she still ignores it, mentally adding to the list of objects to clean as blood is splattered everywhere due to her mistress's meal. Currently, it stands at one hundred and fifty two items that need to be taken care of, give or take eight or so depending on whether you define them as one or two items.

Once she removes her head from Sakuya's supine neck, Remilia begins to laugh. "That felt good… I wonder if it'll work." Without further ado, the vampire slowly begins to rise upwards, her legs seemingly becoming longer as her skirt rises up. "I do believe it is…"

Sakuya ignores her, instead looking at herself as she slowly loses all that Remilia is gaining. "Of course…" Her small complaints are ignored by the vampire as her body shrinks, the maid outfit becoming too large for her. As she she shrinks, she has to step out of her shoes out of fear of sliding down and falling.

While Sakuya deflates, becoming swamped in a dress that should never swamp anyone, Remilia continues to grow. "Well, now this is interesting. I can finally see what is on top of this table that Patchouli is always using. At least, I don't have to stand on the chair anymore…" Even though she continues to laugh, Remilia suddenly stops as something grows tight. Glancing down, she speaks to Sakuya. "Since when do you have breasts, Sakuya?"

The maid in question is hardly able to hold the snort in as she stands there, trying to keep the dress from falling off completely. "I have always had them, milady." The unusually high tenor of her voice makes her wince, but she doesn't say anything else about it.

Curiously, Remilia tilted her head to the side even as she attempted to loosen her top. "What about that time we spent sunning on the beach of the lake?"

"Milady's attention seemed to be focused on the shrine maiden, who does seem to be lacking in the department." Sakuya declines to comment on the fact that she now lacks in it as well. Apparently, the department store had been stripped cleaned as if it were black Friday.

"…But what about that time we visited the netherworld?"

Sakuya's eye twitches slightly at the mention. "Milady, I acted not as your maid that day. I actually did not take the trip with you, so you must have confused me with the other silver-haired maiden."

"…How about that time when the oni first came around?"

The maid takes a moment to remember. "Oh, that is the puppeteer you are talking about. She is very fond of playing with people's shapes, including her own."

"…Then what about the time I remember spotting you run out of the showers?"

"Milady, you saw nothing of the sort." Sakuya smiles wanly, trying not to let herself become angry. "That was the tengu with outside technology. Apparently, she mysteriously decided to act as a streaker for some reason."

Remilia pauses for a second, looking down, and up, and down, and up, and repeating this a few times before finally looking up again. "I am certain I glimpsed nothing of the sort when we went to have our centennial physical at the lunar pharmacist's home."

Ears reddening, Sakuya is reminded of why she likes having her braids that block the view of said ears. "Eiren was merely taking her time examining me, milady. Do recall that we had to carry you home, as you seemed to find yourself entranced with the lunar rabbit's eyes."

"…And the time Patchouli dragged us along to retrieve her books from Marisa's?"

So she's not a stranger anymore? "Blame that one on that fairy, Mistress. During that little incident, you grew an extra head, and were distracted by checking yourself."

"What about that newest shrine, full of the Buddhists… Or was it the Taoists? I never can remember for sure…"

"I have never been there milady. I was… busy, that day." I wonder why that strange man paid me not to go? Details. "Besides, a nue and a tanuki are known to frequent there. You shouldn't trust anything you see with your eyes."

"And just a few months ago, when we had our last party?"

A vein has now bulged out on Sakuya's forehead, and she is trying to keep her patience. "That is the shrine maiden once again, milady. Do you not remember that she had agreed to come as myself? …I spent a long time trying to nurse you back to health after you tried to get her to perform personal services that I do not provide."

"Oh. But I thought I saw you receive a shipment of padding once."

"One must ensure that her mistress's dress is properly lined, so that she doesn't feel too inadequate."

Later on that day, Sakuya gingerly tiptoes along the hallway nearly the library, taking care not to walk too quickly or bump into anything. Hefting up the relatively large vase in her hands, she places it on the pedestal where the one from earlier had broken. "That's ninety three down… Only so many more to go."

Sighing, she looks down and adjusts the tie on her apron. "Good thing that I got this from Mima when she decided to skip town on the Greykitsune. Poor Alice didn't need it anymore." Pausing, she glances around before sighing. "And too bad there is nobody here. I suppose I'll have to exposit to mys- YOW!"

Sakuya nearly leaps into the air as her hands reach to cover her bottom. Spinning around, she glances up to the one who had just slapped her in the buttocks. "Younger Mistress, I see you are out. Is there anything you require?"

"Not at all, little Sakuya!" The younger vampire smiles happily and leans down to eye-level. "Just wanted to say hi. But your butt feels like it's really sore…"

"…I spoke out of line, and the mistress decided to… punish me." Not that she should have deserved it, as it was by her request that Sakuya had begun padding. Remilia's dress, that is. But she did so hate it when the rather touchy subject was brought up. "I will recover soon enough."

"I am sure. So, where is big sister?" Flandre giggles to herself, causing Sakuya to glare at the two sights bouncing before her. While on a normal day the younger mistress put everyone in the mansion to shame, Sakuya's recent loss only seemed to amplify the jealousy.

"…She is away. Visiting the shrine maiden. I am sure you know why."

Flandre just grins at the thought. "Of course! So, you wanna bet how many pieces she'll be in when she gets back?"

"…No bets. Who knows what arbitrary number it would be this time." Gritting her teeth, Sakuya forces her eyes up. "Is there anything you need, young mistress?"

"Nope! Just letting you know that Marisa came by earlier. Thank you for distracting Patchouli so she could get in and steal the books before she visited me!"

Rictus fixed upon her face, Sakuya nods. "You are welcome. Anything else, young mistress?"

"Nope! Just don't tell sister she was here. She's kinda busy sleeping down in my room right now. I wore her out real good earlier, I tell you!"

The maid twitches. "I see. …And by what do you mean?"

"Well, she tells me she does the same thing with Alice, Patchouli, and Nitori all the time. Even all at once. But even that isn't enough to sate her. So she decided to ask me." Flandre giggles again, once more drawing Sakuya's green eyes to the objects of derision. "She said she always liked a challenge. Boy, did I rise to the challenge."

"…I-Indeed." Not knowing what to say, Sakuya keeps speaking. "But you never did say what she did…" Not that she wants to know, but ignorance is bliss. And knowing is like gouging your eyes out. Why would anyone want to know, then?

The younger vampire smirks. "Well… You might say that I shined my Lævateinn in a warm velvet clamp."

"Ah." The worry fades from Sakuya's face. "Pattycake. Alright then, I shan't tell. Have a good day, young mistress."

"You too, little Sakuya!" Smiling, Flandre stretches up to her full height and bounds away, causing the maid to watch it, missing the objects of her desire.

Turning back, Sakuya dusts off her childlike hands and begins walking along. "At least the day is mostly over… I shall be safe from anymore asinine ideas until then…" A smile grew on her face at the thought, finally being able to just let time flow normally and not pausing to scream more times than were necessary.

The smile froze the moment she saw the girl waiting for her at the end of the hallway. "Oh, Sakuya, I wanted to ask you something…"

A/N Well, it's about time that I posted something else. I haven't written much at all recently, so I decided to just write something to get back into the groove, hopefully.

Of course, it came out as if I had let Luna Lovegood take over my keyboard. At least that's what it felt like. Bout makes me want to try to write her into a story for the heck of it.

Ah well. It's a bloody mess is what this little oneshot is. Any questions about what the heck is going on here can be directed in the little box below this note. Unless the box is gone in the future, in which case please disregard the previous sentence.

Oh, and Mr. Muss? Been meaning to say this for a while. For shame.