Sasuke ran as fast as he could out of Orochimaru's hideout.
Seeing Orochimaru's butt-hole was worse than Itachi's tsukuyomi shuddered Sasuke. I hope I never have to look at "Chrysanthemum" ever again!
I'm glad I have Itachi that I can talk to about my boy problems. After all, Itachi is about as straight as a rainbow himself!
Soon he arrived at his old house in the Uchiha village. He knocked on the door.
Itachi opened the door. His eyes looked slightly red and his face lines looked deeper than usual. "Sasuke! Good to see you little brother," said Itachi.
"You look terrible. What's wrong?" asked Sasuke.
"Oh, haha, you kind of caught me at a bad time. Come in and I'll tell you all about it,"
"Well that's the reason why I came here. I'm having problems too," said Sasuke as he entered the house. He was shocked. The house which Itachi usually kept pristine was a complete mess.
"What's going on here?" asked Sasuke. He picked up a photograph on the floor near his foot. It was a picture of all the members of the Akatsuki. However, two of the members had large red X's over their faces.
"And what's this about?" said Sasuke, waving the photograph in front of Itachi.
Itachi sighed. "Kisame broke up with me last night," he said quietly.
"Oh no…"
"He dumped me for Deidara," said Itachi, clenching his fists.
"Hey take it easy, there's plenty of other-"
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! KISAME DID THINGS FOR ME THAT NO ONE ELSE WOULD DARE TO DO!" screamed Itachi, as his Sharingans activated.
"Was it anal?"
Itachi began to laugh. "Oh Sasuke," he said, shaking his head. "You see, I've been around the block a few times. Hell, I've fucked every single member of the Akatsuki. Except Konan, because I'm not into the ladies. But Kisame was different…"
"Weren't you dating Deidara at one point? Is that why you're so weirdly emotional about this?" asked Sasuke.
"Yes. But Deidara wasn't like Kisame. Deidara was a selfish lover. Although there was that one time he ate out my ass with the mouth on his hand for 6 hours…"
"ITACHI EWW! I've had enough of this. I'm here because Naruto broke my heart and I don't know what to do. Also I pooped out my dick this morning."
Itachi sighed. "Ahh yes… the Uchiha Curse strikes again."
"Uchiha Curse? You mean us Uchihas are unlucky in love right?"
"Yes… and no. Did you ever consider that maybe Naruto breaking your heart and pooping out your dick are connected?"
Sasuke froze. "What?"
"You see Sasuke, the Uchiha Curse rears its ugly head whenever a member of the Uchiha Clan experiences heartbreak. It's sort of like a Kekkai Genkai. But it comes at a terrible price. That price is the excruciating pain of pooping out your dick,"
"How do you know about this?"
"Because…" said Itachi, tears in his eyes, "I have it too."
My god he is an emotional wreck thought Sasuke.
"It started when my first boyfriend Shisui died. I pooped out my dick for a week straight. Then, when I killed the entire clan, it became even worse. My poop started to heat up. In fact my poop is about 400 degrees Fahrenheit when it leaves my body. As a result, every time I poop, it cauterizes my own asshole. The pain is unbearable."
"That's disgusting!"
"You see, the reason why Kisame was so special to me was because he used his Samehada sharkskin sword to cut me a new butt-hole whenever mine would crust over. Even before we started dating, he would take one for the team and do it out of the goodness of his heart. But now he's going to be too busy with Deidara…" said Itachi.
"So that Uchiha curse must be hitting you extra hard right?" asked Sasuke.
Itachi motioned towards the bathroom. Sasuke curiously walked inside. Inside of a toilet and sink all he could find was mangled porcelain and pipes.
"Wha-Where's the bathroom?" asked Sasuke.
"YOU'RE STANDING ON IT!" roared Itachi.
"Gaaahhhh!" screamed Sasuke. "Is there any way to get rid of this horrible curse?"
"Well there is one way I suppose, but it's nearly impossible. You must learn the bust-a-nut justsu. But that jutsu is so difficult, even I haven't mastered it."
"I've heard of that justsu, Orochimaru mentioned it once," said Sasuke.
"Ugh, Orochimaru. Why do you live with that weirdo anyway? He only keeps you around so he can steal your body in 3 years. Plus he's into weird kinky sexual things."
"Orochimaru is teaching me powerful jutsus!" insisted Sasuke.
"Oh yeah? Name two that he taught you…"
"Umm… uhhh… well… he'll teach me the bust-a-nut justsu when I ask him."
"Ha! He'll only teach you that so he can control your dick! What do you even do for most of the day at Orochimaru's house?"
"I… fill up spoons and ladles with my jizz," said Sasuke.
"WHAT?" said Itachi. "Isn't that Kabuto's job?"
"He's been eating too much pizza lately so I have to do it. Besides, that nothing compared to the weird sexual things you've done with Deidara and Kisame!"
"Yeah but I didn't trick Deidara into eating my ass. Orochimaru tricked you into living with him just so he can eat your jizz and steal your body. That isn't what being a ninja is all about! Now, let me make you some eggs," said Itachi.