The morning of the reaping I'm sick to my stomach. Peeta wakes me up by kissing my temple, "It's time to get up." He tells me gentle.
"Can't I just lay here and die slowly instead? That'd be much easier."
He brushes stray hair from my eyes, "No, get up." I toss the covers off our bed but don't move for a few seconds. It's like my whole body even knows what's going to happen. My head aches from a sleepless night, my back hurts from all the positions I tried to find comfortable.
My only thoughts last night were about how my mother will end up fighting for her life, against people who have children. People just like her. Who knows, maybe even a pregnant woman will be reaped.
That thought makes my stomach lurch as I sit up. The guilt settles inside me as I shower, I can't believe my mom will have to do this. Could she have the heart to kill? Could she afford not having the heart to kill?
I take my time dressing and walking down the stairs. Peeta is standing in the kitchen finishing up breakfast.
It looks amazing, but I can't eat. Hell I can't even begin to think about myself. Not when so many mothers and fathers are saying what may very well be their final goodbyes to their children.
"You hungry?" He asks.
I shake my head no, "I'll be fine." I say.
"Kat," He sighs walking over to me, "I'm not going to let you leave if you don't eat." He says rubbing my arms.
"That's more of a reason not to eat." I did not mean to say that out loud.
He gives me a firm look saying he won't move on the subject. If only he knew what I did. If only he knew that my mother has a death sentence stamped on her forehead. And it's all my fault.
He gets me to sit at the table but I don't eat much. "Kat?"
"What if it's Madge?" I ask suddenly, out loud, and without thinking.
"What?"
"I mean last year Prim had her name in there once. Madge has hers in five... What if it's her? Or Gale?"
Peeta sighs, "Kat, my parents have their names in 60 times each. And there are so many people with more slips then that." My mom has 30. But she'll be picked. I made sure of that ten months ago. I'll never forgive myself for it.
Effie comes by early, with a drunken Haymitch in tow. We follow side by side with Haymitch.
He smells particularly putrid today, "Did you bathe?" I ask. He glares at me, "What? You smell vile!"
"Thank you Katniss, I knew someone had an idea of personal hygiene." Effie eyes Haymitch.
"What are you looking at Princess?"
"Your gait." She says.
"My what?"
"She's making sure you're stable with walking. Whereas I'm just hoping you don't dive-bomb off the stage again!" I explain to him plainly. We reach the town square. Normally the children would divide into age groups, but given the circumstances, people stand where ever they wish.
The reaping begins all too quickly. The Victors are introduced, the Mayor gives a speech, The Capitol video is played. Now the names will be drawn.
I can't listen, I flat-out refuse to listen. I just stare blankly into the crowd. My mother walks up on the stage, just as I'd always known. Peeta's hand lifts to rub my shoulder, but I nudge him off me.
"Everdeen is quite a popular last name. Last year little Primrose and then of course Katniss over there. You must be the mother."
"Yes"
"Well isn't that just marvelous." Shut the fuck up Effie. A man from the Seam is called up to join my mother. I don't know him personally, but I know of him.
His oldest daughter stands in the front of the crowd heavily pregnant and averting her gaze from the stage, next to her the man's wife sobs silently. They have six children together. And now he may never see them again.
I'm surprised I don't throw up on the way to the Justice building. I sit in the main hall where we're to wait for our newest tributes to meet with their families. Peeta sits beside me, "Kat-"
"Don't" I say sharply. He lays his hand on my shoulder and kisses my jaw for comfort. But I stand up and pace the floor instead. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. Not pain, not guilt, not fear. I just don't want to feel anymore.
I knew this would happen, I knew this would happen and I let it. What kind of daughter allows something like this to happen?
After what feels like forever, our tributes come out and are led to the car so we can get on the train. Sitting between my mother and Peeta is very strange. And all the way to the train everyone is silent.
After fighting past reporters we get onto the train. Effie starts talking to my mom and the other man while Peeta and I stand idly with Haymitch. I have the sudden urge to burst out into tears but find self-restraint. Mom walks over to me and takes my hand. "Come with me." She says and so I follow. We reach her bedroom and she sits me down. I immediately take her in a hug.
"Oh Precious." She sighs smoothing down my hair, "Don't worry about me."
"I should be comforting you." I say, "This shouldn't be happening, and it's all my fault." I let a tear run down my face, "If I hadn't made that stupid bargain with Snow-"
"Then Prim would be here and not me. And neither of us could live with Prim being here." She tells me. I can't tell her about the new threats for my uterus to be occupied. I can't handle that. For the longest time we sit together. Me crying silently, her running her hand through my hair. I finally compose myself so we can go and eat, though the guilt I still feel makes me sick and I can't eat much.
Effie, Haymitch, and Peeta walk in just as mom and I finish. "Did you eat?" He asks me seriously. I nod, "Like actually eat?"
"I watched her Peeta. She ate." Mom says. He nods sitting down. Mom and I stay while the others eat. Eventually our male tribute wanders in and joins us for a meal.
As the night wanes on I steadily feel worse and worse. My whole body aches, and I feel like I'll be sick at any moment.
"Let's all get to the TV room for the recaps yes?" Effie claps. Everyone stands up to leave, but I just can't stand to watch them.
"I think I'm just going to go to bed." I say standing up as well.
"Are you sure?" Effie asks.
"Yeah, I feel a bit off." I say walking out of the compartment. Just as I make it to mine and Peeta's shared room I begin to feel especially faint. I have to sit on the bed and breathe deeply for a few seconds before I can actually dress and climb into bed. My body feels so weird, like my muscles know what a terrible person I am.
In the morning I feel even worse. The guilt has finally set in and sleeping on my stomach to relieve some of my back pain has made my stomach angry with me. I walk calmly to the bathroom and observe myself. I even look like a train wreck.
I not-so-suddenly feel nauseous but all the same try and brush it off as nothing. I end up throwing up in the sink.
After a moment of being disgusted I wash it down the drain. There must be something wrong with me. I don't want to wake Peeta or my mom though, I glance at the clock and see it's only three in the morning.
I crawl back into bed slowly and Peeta shifts in his sleep. He groans a bit before facing me.
"Kat?" He asks groggily, "Kat?"
"Hm?" I ask quietly. He doesn't answer but he pulls me closer to him. So close that I remember my breasts are sore. "Peeta not so tight." I say and push him slightly.
"Hm?" He asks waking up a bit more, "What was that?"
"Just... not so tight okay?" I presume he falls asleep because again he doesn't answer. I try to sleep but my stomach is not happy with me and I only fall back to sleep around six.
At eleven Peeta wakes me up, telling me Effie is in a tizzy because she doesn't want me missing a meal. When I'm dressed and arrive at the dinning cart, lunch is already being served. One of the dishes in particular reminds me of what came up in the sink earlier this morning.
I take a full plate, well alright, Peeta makes me take a full plate. I honestly feel like it's just staring at me, like every bite I take makes me feel more and more queasy.
Effie and Haymitch are talking strategy, but I don't add any input. I got my mom in this situation anyway, I'm the reason she'll be fighting. She shouldn't want to take my advice anyway.
Halfway through my meal the train stops. I'm thankful because I'd rather not argue with Peeta about my eating.
We're surrounded by reporters as we escort our tributes to the remake center. Peeta, Haymitch, and I are taken down to the 'Victor's lounge' where we'll wait for our tributes.
Haymitch is called over by a group of older looking Victors, while Peeta and I kind of linger for a moment.
I get to look at the room. So many chairs and couches, a couple of coffee tables. Capitol art and odd sculptures adorn the room.
We are then encountered by the illustrious Finnick Odair. "Hello Newbies" He greets us, "Sugar cube?" I question it for only a second before another woman bounds over to us.
"Finnick don't make them feel uncomfortable that's my job! I'm the bitch here!" Another Victor I remember Johanna.
"Sorry, about her, we just can't seem to get rid of her." Finnick rolls his eyes.
A quite looking girl walks over, "Hi." She says, "I'm Annie."
"Hi." I say to her.
"Won't you come sit with me?" She asks timidly.
"Sure." I say and follow her. Finnick and Johanna rush after us with Peeta in tow. We all chat for a little over an hour in which time I become at the very least friendly with my fellow victors.
But I grow more unsure of myself. I feel like I may faint at any moment as we talk. As more time passes. I excuse myself to go to the restroom. There I manage to gain some stability after throwing up again.
I look at my face and try to think of what could be wrong with me. Am I sick or just frightened down to my bones?
I'm not sure, but I walk back out and wait with the other victors. The Opening Ceremony goes smoothly. Cinna has designed something perfect for my mother. As the commentators said, "Very fitting for a mother whose daughter is the girl on fire."
I get very little sleep at night, I follow the same schedule as last night. At three in the morning I throw up and climb back into bed.
But at nine Peeta gets me up for breakfast. I have no stomach for it again, I'm tempted to tell him I'm just sick. But then he'll freak out and try to take care of me. I don't need him being nice to me. Not when I feel like a legitimate piece of shit.
Instead I just take a really long shower, and make it to the end of breakfast. Just enough time to catch mom before she heads down for training.
"Come on sweetheart." Haymitch says, "We're heading down."
"For what?" I ask as Peeta walks up behind me.
"We'll be spending the day with the other victors talking about our tributes." Haymitch says when the elevator reaches our level.
We all pile in and head into an area that reminds me of the reception area after mine and Peeta's wedding. Round dinner tables and a few chairs for each table.
We find our group from yesterday and sit with them. Peeta doesn't skip a beat, "You need to eat." He says firmly.
I sigh "Peeta-"
"I'm not joking with you Katniss you are going to pass out."
"I'll be-"
"No." He insists.
Finnick calls an avox over and orders me a plate of food. "Done." He smiles at us.
"Your not helping." I chuckle. "My husband will begin to think he's right."
"I don't try. Trust me. I don't." Finnick winks.
"Oh Hell Finnick" Johanna laughs, "You give three fucks about everything."
"I'd beg to differ!"
"You'd be wrong." She assures him.
"So how are your tributes looking this year? Any surprises?" Finnick asks the table.
"I don't have a victor. The man's sixty-five and ill. My girl is pregnant." Johanna says bitterly.
"How about you?" Finnick asks me.
"The man, is going to be a grandfather soon. I don't think he'll last more than a week." Peeta says.
"And then there's my mother." I say with a sigh.
"That sucks multiple dicks." Johanna sighs, "Well seems like I'm going to get yet another chance to hate my life."
"Did you ever stop darling?" Finnick asks.
"Nope." She sighs.
"Our tributes are married. Have been for fifty years." Annie says quietly, "I'm not sure they'll make it passed the first day... by choice." Well that's just unsettling.
"But hey you know what it's the Hunger Games. If we can't be merry because of them, make fun of them." Finnick says
A hot plate is placed in front of me, and it honestly repulses me. I feel sick again, I know I'll throw up if I just sit here. I turn to stand up and leave but Peeta catches my arm.
"Kat-" I throw up on him... How embarrassing is that? I throw up on my husband in front of people I hardly know. Finnick hands Peeta a napkin which he uses to get bits of bile out of my hair.
"Oh god." I cough out, "I'm sorry." What else do you say? He hushes me and finishes getting vomit out of my hair.
He stands up, and as disgusting as it sounds, some of my vomit slides onto the floor when he does. "Come on." He puts an arm around my unsteady frame and leads me out of the dinning room.
He takes me upstairs and sits me on the bed, I'm crying now. God what is wrong with me?
"You're okay." He assures me, wiping away tears. "You're okay, we'll just get you changed and you can rest." I nod after sobbing a bit more. He hands me a night-dress and while I change he does too.
He guides my legs into bed and feels my forehead. "Just relax."
"You should go back." I say.
"What if you're sick again?" He asks, "Have you been sick before this?"
"I'll be fine." I assure him.
"Kat, have you been sick before this?"
"No, but I've felt like I would." I tell him half-heartedly.
"Do you want me to call a doctor?"
"No." I say.
"Are you sure?"
I nod, "Do you remember how they used to take us to the mine shafts as school trips?" He nods, "And how I was never there?" He nods again, "This always happened. I get sick when I'm afraid."
He sighs sadly and strokes the side of my face with his thumb, "I'm sorry Kat." He says.
"Go on back, tell them I'm okay. I'm just going to sleep." I tell him.
"You're sure?" He asks.
"Yeah." He kisses me before leaving. I presume I sleep but I wake up feeling unrested. Peeta's by my side again, his hand feeling my cheeks for any sign of fever.
I groan as my stomach twists again.
"Kat?" He asks softly, trying not provoke me. I turn only my head to look at him, "How do you feel?" He asks. I can only shake my head no before falling back asleep.
For the rest of the training I get up and converse with the other Victors. Though Peeta and my new parent Finnick are convinced I'm sick, I still go.
Effie doesn't know I was sick, and I refuse to tell my mother. In fact the day of the interviews I don't even feel too terribly bad.
Though the interviews are excruciatingly long I manage through them. The night before the games I sleep next to my mom, for both my comfort and hers. Tomorrow the games begin. By tomorrow night, I may not have a mother anymore.