SELECT CHARACTER:

=== YOUTUBE

=== FICWAD

===POTTERMORE

That was a trick question. You have no control over this story. Let's get a complete an utter smorgasbord of characters, because this obviously isn't confusing enough.

-Which one are we again?-

I'm Youtube, god damn it! What kind of voice forgets their own...never mind.

I've got Ficwad as my server player, and she's already dropped a couple machines into my house. But God Damn, that girl does NOT stop talking. She's a constant stream of noise, and between her and my own head sound I can't hear myself think.

She prattles on about the most useless things, too. Like her Sprite. Oh my God, girl, I do not actually give a fuck! Shut up! Nobody cares how shit it is!

Guess who messages me out of the blue, too? Pottermore. URGH.

[Pottermore (PM) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

PM: Are you there, dear?

YTB: wat

PM: Urm. Uh.

PM: It's just that...

YTB: spit it out alreay jsesus fuck

PM: I was just wondering if you're okay and all.

PM: What with the apocalypse being nigh and all.

YTB: dude ive lived in the middle of the fucking wilderness for 16 years

YTB: think i can handle a meteor shower.

PM: It's just.

PM: I wanted to make sure you're alright. And okay.

PM: Because I'm your friend.

YTB: look i dont exactyly have time to listen to u chatter

YTB: elready puttin up with FW's bs

YTB: so if ur playing the

YTB: i needed to check up on you card

YTB: thean go far fuckin away.

PM: Oh.

PM: I'm sorry. Didn't mean to make you angry. I hope you feel better soon, dear!

God. That boy. He's been acting weird for about three weeks now. Always fucking inarticulate with his diction now. The dear thing is new, too. Whatevs, not like it means anything or will come back to bite me in the ass later.

I put on some music to help me think, mostly to drown out Ficwad's incessant static and my own issues.

"YOUTUUUUUUBE!" Ficwad shrieks. I've got her on speaker from my handheld, so it sounds like I'm in the middle of an argument with a prepubescent Stephen Hawking. "What?!" I snap.

"Youtube, you're not listening! You've got so much shit to do! Oh-Em-Eff-Gee-Way!" Ficwad whines. I imagine wringing her neck for about four seconds.

"What do I have to do?" I ask.

"Switch on the Cruxtruder-it gives you cruxite dowels, which you'll need later. Do it now! Do it now!"

"Would you relax? I've seen enough HS fanvids to know what I need to do," I retort, sliding over to switch on the big machine. I know what a fucking Cruxtruder is, thanks. It's the one with the cylinder. I wait for it to spit out a dowel as Ficwad sends a few more messages my way. Ignoring Ficwad before her dyslexia rubs off on me, I quickly pick up the dowel-Emerald-and get it onto the Alchemiter without anyone being nonethewiser.

My cruxtruder spits out the sprite egg thing. What to add?

My entire house comes with me into the Medium, so it's not like I'll lose anything.

Except...

Oh Shit. SHIT!

I glance out the window. Meteors have set the forest on fire, making everything look like an apocalypse flick. I have to go out there. I have to go. I have to go out there.

I straighten my sweater, pulling the green fabric down over the scars on my hands and bunching it up around my neck.

"Youtube. Darling. Daughter. Where Are You Going?" my dad asks from behind me.

"I'll be right back, dad."

"I Do Not Want You Hurt."

"Dad, listen, I'll be fine. Everything'll be okay." I'm trying to soothe him despite the fact that I can barely think, and it's a total lie, too, but it gets me out of the house.

The door swings open, and I take one step outside. The smoke makes my eyes sting, and I'm coughing, trying to get oriented.

A meteor lands close to my right, and I duck my head down. A wave of dirt and heat hits my side. I'm not on fire, but the side of my house is.

"DAD!" I scream.

There's no answer.

"Dad...?"

My lungs are burning with smoke already, and I still have to get to the cave. If I get what I go for, I can save the house and dad, but if I leave my dad in there, then he could die. And I can't lose him. He's not a very good parent, but he's all I got.

I pull my sweater up to cover my nose and mouth, tucking my hair into the collar. Burn victim is not something I want on my resumé. Gritting my teeth, I run back into the house, eyes watering, fire on my left and right. Huh. So this is what it's like to be a firefighter.

The machines on my left and right are whirring and clicking, and my dad's lying on his side. I don't know if he's breathing. "Dad!" I grab onto his shoulders and roll him over. There's a seeping scalp wound, and his glasses are cracked, and I don't know if he's okay.

I've sweat through my sweater in the first three minutes, big dark circles stretching down to my hips. Voices in my head start chanting, the same stuff over and over again, and I'm crying and choking, goddammit dad wake up, and I've got him under the arms and I'm dragging him back to my room, which is furthest away from the fire. "If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer," I tell him, but his eyes are unfocussed and he could already be brain dead, so who cares, right, it's just a stupid joke.

-Fiver says she dies-

-Motherfucker, are you listening to me?-

-KILL THE SUIT! KILL THE SUIT! KILL THE-

-You gotta look her in the eye-

-Not strong enough-

-TILL I COLLAPSE!-

I shake my head, hoping that'll clear them out. Then I'm back out the door and tearing through the fire forest. I leap over a fallen tree, and I'm trying to tuck my hair in through my sweater, and I think I might just die from smoke inhalation.

-Take it off.-

-Make it all go away.-

The cave seems like a dark spot of safety in all the red and orange. The air seems clearer in here too. Snagging up my copy of The Great Gatsby, I stuff it down the front of my sweater. My handheld is letting off incoming message pings over and over. I wonder what Ficwad thinks about this little fucking trip? Like I give a damn.

It's not that far. It's not that far. You made it here. Not that hard to get back. C'mon, you. Move your ass.

I dash out, and trees are actually starting to fucking fall over, just snapping right in half, and I'm scared.

Y'know when you're outside by yourself, and it's dark, and you feel scared, even though there's nothing to be afraid of? That sick goddamn sinking feeling that you -Can't get out of your head?- and even though you've walked this path-One thousand motherfucking times!-you still feel like something is following you, and-You can't escape-

My inner voices -May or May not- blending with reality. I am so outta here.

I leap over a fallen tree, but my sweater sleeve heats up.

The worst pain I've ever experienced was when I fell out of a tree and onto a wasp's nest. The general sprains combined with cherry-red welts set me yowling. But this is an entire new league of pain. And just like the wasps, it doesn't stop in one place. The pain of being burned to this degree is an entire new level of suck.

Stop, Drop, and Roll is more useful than I can explain, but the fire spread too quickly, and my entire right arm and a quarter of my chest are in agony. It hurts to even move them. It's worse to breathe. I start crying, just fucking weeping, because this is some serious Saving Private Ryan bullshit here. And I'm just a kid. Like, what am I supposed to do?

-Give up. Just give up.-

...No. I'm not doing that. Anything but give up.

Sliding onto my knees. Then up. I take it one step at a time, then I'm through the door of my house, Gatsby still under my sweater.

My house is no longer on fire, apparently it just burned right the hell out, and my dad is lying flat on the charred floor, asleep. Huh. Weirder and weirder shit is going down.

My sprite egg is bouncing along the ceiling, and I toss the first thing I see, which is a kitten statue that my dad got to commemorate some stupid thing that every kid does. Like learn to read. Seriously, who gives a fuck?

But cute cats are pretty much the best thing ever.

My new sprite guide floats down from the ceiling. It's just a Catsprite. Nothing to see here, folks.

My Cruxite dowel's been carved already, too, and it probably finished while I was tear-assing through forest fires like a mentally retarded Smokey the Bear. But Holy fucking hell.

It's my dad. My Cruxite dowel's carved to look like my fucking dad.

I glance over, and he's still asleep on the carpet, then back to the green statue of him. No way. What the fuck is this shit? Jesus. Am I supposed to destroy it?

I do the only thing that seems natural. I can't kill my dad, so I step forward and wrap my arms around the statue.

A crack starts in the head of the statue, then spreads all the way down, bright light spilling out of the dad-statue. I shut my eyes, but it still turns my eyelids white.

-Is this it?-

It seems to go on forever, but once the light subsides, I open my eyes, and the statue's head is cracked wide open. My dad is still asleep, and all of a sudden, I feel pretty fuckin' fatigued myself. Wandering down the hallway, I kick open my door to my room that's the size of a goddamn broom closet and fall asleep before I hit the floor.