The atmosphere in the living room was static, I could feel the sexual tension with every fibre of my being and I was more than sure Phil could too with the pink colour his cheeks were. I wanted to start off and explain first but my tongue felt very heavy in my mouth, leaving me silent.
"What the hell, Dan?" What the hell indeed. I feel like I could have executed my grand declaration a bit better. Urgh, too late now. Phil looks a little angry. Uh oh.
"I just don't understand! I thought you fancied me and then you went and shot me down and then you go and tell me you love me? You're so cruel, Dan, why would you do that to me?" It pierces me right in the chest that this was what has become of us. I need to fix this.
"I just... I wanted you to... you know... I thought that..." I stumble over my words and I can't find the right thoughts to make him understand. Phil's eyes bore back into mine and I can see pain in them and I desperately try to rack my brain for the right things to say.
"You know what, Dan? I don't care." With that, he leaves me standing in the room and I can hear him rush out and down the stairs to the jangling of his keys.
For fuck's sake. I burst into tears. As if this is happening. This was supposed to be us getting together finally. Why can't I do this right for us? I want to see him happy. With me.
My legs get up and before I can even comprehend what I'm doing, I'm running. I don't know where he's gone but I'm going to find him. I rush out the front door and straight into the torrential downpour that is British weather. The rain is so thick I can barely see one metre in front of me but I set off again down the street that leads onto the main road.
Strangers stare at the weird man running through London looking like a drowned rat and after only a few minutes my chest is burning and my legs aching. But I don't stop. I need to get to Phil. When despair begins to set in, I can make out a silhouette that looks a lot like Phil near Caledonian Park where we went together many times when we first moved to London.
Putting in a spurt of extra energy I sprint for Phil who has turned into the park unaware of my presence.
"Stop!" Phil turns around to look at me but carries on into the park. Oh no you don't.
I quicken into a sprint and rush after him, all my energy focused into catching up with him. I don't give a shit what happens, he need to know I love him.
In the park, Phil is a short way down the lane but he's not moving and he's facing me, his hair sticking to his pale face that illuminates in the greyness of rainy London, his clothes like a second skin, outlining his slim frame, his eyes blank, his expression clear.
"Phil..." I breathe when a come to stop in front of him.
"Explain to me, Dan." His voice very strong until "Please..." when his voice cracks and features soften.
"Phil... I love you." There's no way else to explain it but Phil only looks confused.
"Then why do this to me, Dan? Why let me believe you like me and then tell me 'we can't be like that'?" I know he is crying, even though the rain hides it well and my heart breaks at how I had reduced him to tears.
"I didn't think you'd want me and I wanted you to be happy - like the way I saw you with Lily. I thought that was what you'd want. You're always so selfless around me, I wanted to give back to you the way you do for me." How does one fully make someone understand exactly what's in your head? I want to make him understand but there seems to be no words in the world that can fully encapsulate how everything I did was for Phil and Phil only.
"I didn't think someone like you could like me, you deserve the best, Phil. You are everything that makes mankind worthwhile. And I'm so sorry for playing with you like this but I only wanted to see you happy." I'm crying now. For my mistakes, my pain, Phil's pain but also relief too, to finally get everything out.
I look down, too embarrassed to look Phil in the face but I'm happy now that Phil knows properly. I love him.
Amongst the roaring in my ears and the thundering of the rain, I can make out some words which I don't know if I can trust with my senses:
"I love you too, Dan." Phil is closer to me, his face mere inches from mine and I stare into his blue eyes, picking out the greens and greys that make them unique, and I can see love pulsing in them, and curiosity and hesitation and vulnerability and just too many other emotions for me to put my finger on them all. I divert my eyes to him lips which look too soft and plump for me to resist and when I look back into his eyes, I can read the invitation clearly. Kiss me.
Who am I to resist? When our lips meet, slowly at first and then more forcefully, it was like liquid gold pooled in my stomach, all the blood rushed to my head and a live current was whizzing through every nerve ending in my body. My face and neck burned from where his hands were touching me and I couldn't help the sigh of pure joy that left my mouth. This is what I've wanted to for the years and years I've known Phil and it is so much better than my imagination.
As I become completely breathless, I break away and I stare at the blush in Phil's cheeks and revel at how unbelievably adorable he looks. I can get used to this.
"It was always you, Dan." Phil says and my heart leaps at the words. I'm dreaming.
"Then why did you go out with Lily?" I ask and but I know why. For the same reason I went out with Amelia, surely. Phil gives me that look and I know he knows too.
"Let's go home. I've missed you." He takes my hand and together we walk back to our apartment, still getting soaked in the cold rain but I don't give a shit because Phil's warm palms are enough to get me back home.
Ahhh... Don't hate me! I know it's been ages... Writer's block came in and smacked me full force and I didn't want to put out any old shit just to be fast but I still don't know how I fully feel about my writing in this but the events make me happy so this is it. I want to put out one more epiloguey chapter just because I love epilogues but that will be the end I think. Anywhoo, HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)